Transsexualism

Much of what you will read here is based on research that I have done but also touches on my own personal experiences. I will concentrate soley on Male to Female transsexualism. It is important to remember however that transsexuals are people first and foremost. We are as different and unique from each other as any other two people on this Earth. Our lives and our stories, although sharing a common thread, are quite different. I will try to touch on those common threads that bond us.
Transsexualism; in laymans' terms, is an incongruity of gender which exsists among certain individuals. Those individuals may be male, female, tall or short, black or white. People of all walks of life on all corners of the Earth are transsexual. Is it a mental disorder? I think not. Is it a medical condition? Maybe. The fact is that we really don't know what causes this feeling that we are born physically of one gender and mentally of the other. Most people are born of one gender; say male, and in their minds feel male and are perfectly comfortable in the male role within society. Their minds, souls, and hearts match their bodies. This is true of a great majority of the population. There is no struggle in them, nor even a second thought. They are male or they are female and their gender is completely taken for granted. It's not something that even requires thought. In the case of the transsexual however, gender is far from taken for granted. We battle with our gender identity from a young age. There is incongruity there. Things simply don't jive. Many in the medical community feel that it may have been caused by hormonal imbalances in the fetus or in a pre-pubetic child. Some people, many uneducated or uninformed in this field, think it is a mental illness. Personally, I don't know. I do however know one thing. It is very real to me and to those who are affected by it.
In the medical community, transsexualism is known as Gender Identity Disorder or GID.
Some of us take offense at the term "disorder", but as we know, society has a need to place labels on us in order to be able to categorize us. It has become accepted within much of the medical community that in order to alleviate the transsexual of his/her unhappiness that the body must be changed to match the brain. In days of old, it was looked at in exactly the opposite way. Doctors would attempt to change the brain to become congruent with the body. This may have been done through psychiatry, hipnosis, or in more extreme instances ... electro shock therapy. Changing of the mind to correct the problem was abandoned as it was realized that it just didn't work. This gender identity problem was a deep and strong part of the individual and could not be removed by such means. To this day it is accepted by most that in order to alleviate this condition that the body and way of living must be changed in order to become aligned with the mind. Still, especially long ago and still to this day, the subject of transsexualism is taboo and certainly against "the grain" of society and its' set rules. This is exactly what makes it so difficult for a transsexual individual to survive. I must say that we have come a long way in the past 2 decades in accepting people who are beyond the limits of what is considered socially acceptable. We have a long way to go. Web sites and television documentaries are wonderful in that they educate people who are willing to be educated and those who are willing to open their minds.
Transsexualism; also known as transgenderism, can have different degrees of intensity. That may range from the part time crossdresser who has a strong feminine side and who feels a need to express but is perfectly happy living in the role of his physical gender, to the transsexual who has a strong need to completely change physical gender in order to find peace within. The term transgenderism actually encompasses all degrees of gender incongruity from crossdresser to transsexual. So, while the crossdresser may be perfectly content in living as the male he was born and at times express his feminine side by wearing feminine attire in complete privacy, the transsexual has a much more complicated situation. Crossdressers may be very comfortable in dressing in private as the need may arise and then put away the dress and maintain happiness as a male in society. Living a closeted life in many cases is tolerable if not preferred. In fact, the excitement that arises from sneaking and having this secret life may be a big part of the exhileration that a crossdresser feels.
Although many transsexuals exhibit these same tendencies at some stage of their development, at some point the crossdressing and sneaking and living in the closet becomes a burden. It is simply not really what they need. It is much much more than putting on a dress or make up. A double life is no longer acceptable. Transsexuals do not want to dress as women and minutes later, be men. They are women inside and have a stong desire to live as such and even change their bodies in order to feel complete and whole. While the crossdresser can have the best of both worlds and function happily and normally in todays' society, the transsexual is faced with either living his life as a complete lie or living true and facing predjudice, disdain, and rejection. The choices we must make are not easy ones. Neither alternative is a bed of roses. Many are so strongly pulled that they are willing to risk everything including wives, children, parents, friends and careers simply to be themselves.
As I have said earlier, it is believed that transsexualism stems from hormonal imbalance in the fetal stage or during the early years of the developing child. Symptoms of this can in many cases be seen in the young child as he develops. Many have remembered having a desire to partake in girl oriented activities as young children, but not all. Some of us would cast away the G.I. Joe for a Barbie Doll instinctively. Of course Mom and Dad would at that point usually intervene and let little Tommy know that boys played with trucks and G.I. Joe and that girls played Barbie Dolls and House. Society was already at a young age applying pressure to assure that this child conformed to his gender role. I do agree that many young boys go through stages of playing with sister's things and would even play dress up with sister's clothes. This is actually considered very normal experimentation and usually is simply a brief and passing phase. In the case of a transsexual however, it is much more than that. It does not pass. It does not go away. That child is expressing himself as having a female mind and it is much more than just a phase. Unfortunately, no one recognizes this at the time. The parents may think it cute and gently guide their son to male oriented activities. Parents may become concerned and discuss the situation with their family doctor but at this time usually nothing is done but for parents to continue to guide the boy in the male direction. Of course the boy at this time may be 4 or 5 and not have the verbal skills neccesary to fully express himself. Because transsexuslism is not so well known or understood, it's symtpoms may not at all be recognized by parents or doctors.
In many cases, the real difficulties in life begin when the child enters the school system. Now he is faced with learning to get along with others his age, especially other boys. The child may not yet be aware of the potential ridicule he will face by expressing himself openly and honestly so he may very likely feel comfortable at first in doing girl oriented things, quickly to be teased and tormented as these preferences are discovered by his peers. Now he begins to learn the hard way. He may quickly become an outcast, or if he is strong enough, may alter his activities in an attempt to conform to the male image. He does this to make life tolerable. In my situation, I did not conform well and quickly became withdrawn at school. Many transsexual boys are very timid and non-aggressive. They become easy targets for the average boisterous and aggressive boy. The transsexual boy is already feeling society's pressures and hides his true feelings in a vain effort to get along and be accepted. But, he will always be different and the others will see that. He will be teased and tormented and maybe even beat up and he may not fight back. He may just crawl into a shell, a closet if you will. His closet walls are already being built and no one has a clue what is going on with this child. At some point parents and teachers may become involved as the problem is recognized. He may be sent to a therapist or school psychologist for evaluation. These professionals will likely find that the boy is of normal to above normal intelligence and that there is nothing physically wrong. The authorities will not be able to help this boy for they likely have not diagnosed him with gender identity disorder. Chances are that the child cannot understand or verbalize what or how he is feeling. The problems continue through elementary school. The child at this point begins to hide much of his need for female oriented items and activities, at least to the best of his ability. Many transsexual children begin to crossdress during this time ... between the ages of 6 and 10. By now they have learned that they must hide this part of themselves. They know that it is not accepted for boys to be acting like this. They also have a strong underlying need to act on their feelings, feelings which they have no control over, feelings that are there but not understood. There is a constant battle between these two forces ... what is and what "should be".
Crossdressing is a most common activity among transgendered people and usually begins at a young age. It usually begins with simple experimantation of trying on Mom's or sister's underthings when no one is looking. At a young age it is the ultimate in expressing ones femininity and can be done privately and in complete anonimity. It generally becomes an obsession as this youngster likely would prefer to be in a feminine role constantly but only has brief and infrequent opportunities when he is alone. His main concern is to not get caught. The embarassment and shame and humiliation of being caught by parents or siblings would be devastating. He may take great risks however because the urge to express his femininity may be stonger than his common sense. Many crossdressing children are caught by their parents. The parents may react with great anger and ridicule the child because they do not understand. The crossdresser may curb his dressing or simply become more secretive to avoid further embarassment. Chances are however, he will not stop. As the boy matures and begins to find a bit of freedom from parents, he may find more opportunity to satisfy his passion. He may be left alone at home or be able to leave home for several hours. His private time has increased and chances are, his crossdressing along with it. It really does become an obsession. I suppose that anything that you don't get enough of, tends to become something of greater desire. Transsexuals wish to express their femininity all the time and as children can only do so during those times when they are alone.
Of course, all of this sneaking and hiding and crossdressing takes it's toll on the boy. He is likely very ashamed of his activities. He most certainly does not understand why he is doing what he is doing although he may have had thoughts that he should have been born female. He often becomes withdrawn and quiet and does not relate well with family members. He is now living a lie. He cannot tell people about his true self. He builds walls to protect himself from harm and ridicule. He is afraid. He likely lacks self esteem. He lives in a closet. On the surface he may have learned to make it appear as if everything in his life is OK to others. But something inside eats away at him. It's something he cannot understand but it is something that he is drawn to. It is something he cannot control.
Entering puberty can be a confusing and difficult time for the transsexual boy. As he enters the teen years his body suddenly begins to change. It becomes more masculine.
He may dread the changes or he may be indifferent to them.He is self conscious and embarassed by the growth of hair and the enlargement of his penis. His muscles are becoming noticably stronger. While most boys relish these changes, the transsexual boy does not. He may be indifferent or ashamed while the other boys are proud of their changes. He may see the other boys after Gym in the locker room boyishly comparing notes, bragging and showing off. He does not. He withdraws. He may not understand himself. He may be just starting to but probably not yet. He is not like the other boys and cannot express his true self. But, as he has already done for much of his life, he may go along with the fun to give the outward appearance that everything is OK. Inside it is not. He lives a lie and it is slowly eating away at him. The walls are up and the closet is all around him. He's safe there but it's dark and lonely and scary. He may actually be doing an OK job of "going with the flow" to ease the pressure at school. It's certainly better than being ridiculed and beaten up. He's becoming quite a good actor by now but he's sad and dying inside. After school he wanders deep into the woods in search of his secret stash ... women's clothing. Ahhh, now he can for a moment relieve himself of that bottled up tension. He doesn't understand it but dressing and expressing his feminine side brings him peace and serenity. A feeling of complete bliss. 15 minutes later, he takes off his feminine attire, crawls back in his closet and walks home alone, feeling complete shame and guilt. He asks himself, "Why do I have to do this? Why can't I just be like everyone else?" Torrow he will do it all again, going through this same inner battle over and over again.
By now, he has likely developed quite a collection of female clothing. He finds them. He's probably always on the look out for them. He hides them where no one will ever look. Part of his daily routine is to go there and to for a moment, freely express himself.
In the company of others however, he tries his best to act male, to fit in. He may take up sports and have a small cirlcle of friends. He does "guy things" and may even come to enjoy these activities. Society expects this from him. He knows it and by now he realizes how much easier it is to fit within society's parameters. He has become conditioned by his family and by society to be who he is supposed to be. But inside his feelings are the same. It's all a big lie and inside it continually eats away.
Ironically, many transsexual teens, after high school, enroll in the Armed Forces. They themselves just want to be normal, to fit in. "The service is the answer. That'll make a man out of me!" But it doesn't. Th strong feminin feelings are there and deeply imbedded. He was born with them. It's who he is. I suppose that joining the service is a kind of "purging". Purging is the attempt of the transgendered individually to forcefully rid himself of this gender problem. Purging is usually asscociated with female clothing.
The transsexual one day with simply throw out all of his accumulated attire and tell himself this is not me and "start over" as a "normal" person. Joining the Armed Forces seems to be a purging of sorts, a way to force away the feminine. Purging rarely if ever changes things however. The transsexual must have a means in which to express himself and at this time of his life, clothes is the way. He's acquiring more within days. He may manage his way through the hell of the service and may even be adjusting to its' ways to some extent, and, he will become depressed. He will not crossdress there. He would never risk that, not in the service. His closet door is tightly locked for those 3 - 4 years and the pressure builds from within ... like a shaken soda btltle. Something has to give. He comes out of the service and in most cases he carries on with his crossdressing. He feels beaten. The service didn't work. He will dress alone and feel complete peace from within but after his dressing session has ended, the guilt and shame set in again. Many of us become suicidal as young men. We have tried and tried to purge our feelings and to fit in but we simply cannot. We may feel like complete failures. The pressure of our still not understood gender disorder has eaten away at our self - esteem. We have tried to escape this curse only for it to stay with us. We become depressed and even suicidal. Hopefully that suicide attempt fails and that it was only a way of reaching out for help. Maybe now someone will help me.
Transgendered people usually feel very much alone. They live in their dark and lonley closets and tell no one of their feelings. It is very difficult to deal with something alone that you do not even understand. Fortunately, that is changing with the popularity of the internet. When I was a boy there was no internet. I was completely isolated. The internet has provided us with a way out of our closets to an extent. We can find others like us and we don't feel as alone. We have a place to go where we can express our true selves to others while still having safety. The internet have saved many transsexual lives.
Please keep in mind that this is written from my perspective. We all have our own stories.
Some of us knew from a young age that we should have been born in a different gender role. I have found however, that many share in the inner denial.
Many of us go on to marrying and starting families. This may again be a form of purging, a way to reach a level of normalcy without looking inward at ones self. "If I marry and have children, it will make all of this go away". This may work for a short period of time as in the beginning of any relationship, there is a sense of euphoria. That sense of euphoria can override other strong feelings. As many of us know, the euphoric feelings don't last and demons within us that were buried will come back to haunt us. So is true for the transsexual. The marriage and the family are just another band-aid to cover up something else. It resurfaces. The guilt and shame return at a much stronger level, as now we are lieing to our wives and are children. The crossdrssing begins again. The female feelings are still there. There is a huge difference in hiding transsexualism/crossdressing from ones' spouse as opposed to hiding homosexuality. If one is homosexual, actively seeking to explore it means cheating . In the case of transgenderism that is not the case. One can explore their gender issue without being unfaithful however, most women that marry men want a male figure in their lives, not a man that has strong female feelings. So, even though cheating is not involved here, lieing and hiding is at work and causes great guilt and shame. The marriage likely began as a lie and will end evn though there may be love and caring between the partners.
Many transsexuals go a long time succesfully hiding their gender issue from their spouses. Usually at some point they are caught. It is difficult to live in the same household with someone and hide much of anything. The wife, upon discovering the crossdressing, many times reacts in anger and disbelief. Upon being discovered, we may play it down as just a fun thing or, at this point in our lives, we may see this as an opportunity to "come out" to the one who we are closest to.. our best friend. We hope that because there is love that there will be understanding and acceptance. There may be understanding and acceptance, but there may also be separation regarless. The heterosexual woman wants a man. It's that simple. This does not live up to her definition of a man. She may stay for a while and try to discourage his feelings. She may hope that it all just goes away. Once the transsexual outs himself from the closet to his wife, he my find that this triggers further self-exploration. Although his wife doesn't accept this, there is still a satisfying feeling about telling someone about this long-kept deep dark secret.
It may be the catalyst to self-discovery. That is a good thing and a bad thing. A good thing because now we can begin to know who we are to to stop hiding. A bad thing because now we are facing possible divorce and lonliness. The exhileration of coming out to just one person sdeerms to have a power behind it that sets the ball in motion. We have a taste of being out of the closet. It feels good in the face of all the risks. If our feelings are strong, we risk it all for the sake of being internally at peace.
At this point, our wives may have decided to stay on the ride for a while, in denial themselves about this whole gender issue. They may think it can be cured. They may just pack up in walk out immediately. Many woman become physically and mentally sickened by the reality that their husbands feel that, inside, they are woman. The couple may seek to therapy at this point, hopefully together. There are therapist who specialize in the area of gender. The therapist will help the transsexual sort out his feelings and to put them into perspective. They may also try desparately to help the wife see that this person they have married is the same person they have grown to love, only with a different shell, one that is becoming female. This therapy may help a wife to understand that this is not mental illness, not a bad thing, and not the end of of a loving and caring relationship. Yes, therapy may help her to understand her transsexual husband. Yes she may still love him. Yes she may still remain close with him. But yes, she leaves anyway.
She wants to be with a male, not a female, and not with a transsexual. She imagines herself staying and the embarassment it would cause her. She imagines what this would do to her children. "What will my frinds and family think"? There is a very high rate of divorce among couples where one partner comes out as transsexual. I'm sure we can all understand this. I know I can. It amazes me that my wife stayed with me. I often put myself in her shoes and imagine what I would be like if she had transitioned to male. I honestly doubt I could do it but I suppose I wouldn't know unless I were faced with it.
So, based on the statistics, we now have an alone transsexual at the beginnining of self-exploration or maybe at the beginning of transition. Being alone certainly can complicate things. It can make a potentially wonderful experience a horrible one. The transsexual looks for support at this time. He wanted it from his best friend, his wife, but she couldn't deal with it. He seeks it through his therapist and through online friendships. He seeks it from within. Hopefully he can handle the lonliness and it doesn't eat him up. He has been in a marriage with a family for possibly a long time. He must deal with that adjustment on top of the gender transition adjustment. His therapist ( I use the term "he" only to avoid confusing the issue. At some point, "he" becomes "she" so I will now refer to "he" as "she".) She decides that she has to move forward, to comeout, to begin the process of transition. It is an exhilerating and scary time. For her entire life she hid this and suddenly she must expose herself to all who know her, or thought they knew him. In order to have come this far, she has looked deep inside of herself and admitted who she is. It's kind of like an alcoholic who has to look into the mirror and say, "I am an alcoholic". The self exploration and the now lack of denial is also the turning point, the beginning of recovery. She now has gained self-esteem and a sense of pride even. The lonliness may still be in place but the wonderful feeling of "just being me" has taken over. " Oh what a wonderful feeling after spending my whole life as a lie"! We feel a sense of self-worth for the first time in our lives. It really is a sense of rebirth ... in a non-religious sense. We cling to this new sense of strength, self-worth, and pride as we will need this to survive what lies ahead. Now we must transition. We must be ourselves all the time and stop hiding behind the male shell. We must tell our friends and mom and dad and Brothers and Sisters and friends. We know full well that we will have further loss. But at least we now have ourselves, something we had never had in the past. I believe that transsexual women know more than many exactly who they are. They have had to go deep inside. It's a scary thing to do, especially when it goes against the grain of society. Many people never go there. They exsist. Thir problems get somewhat buried and are never resolved. Are those people truly happy. I think not. Transsexuals at least have the potential to be truly happy as they have turned their souls inside-out. It is that strength that must carry us through.
We begin the process of transtion with the guidance of our therapists who have now helped us to determine this this is all very real. We prepare for our coming out to others. We begin to change ourselves physically through a process called HRT or Hormone Replacement Therapy. Coming out can be very difficult and very scary. We know that some will walk away from us. Some will be angry. Some shocked. Some will in time be able to be suppotive and offer encouragement and friendship. Telling our parents is most difficult. They raised a son. How do we say we are relly their daughter. Some parents may already have an idea that something is going on. Some may have not a clue. I think that in most cases, the parent cannot and does not abamdon their transsexual child. That bond is a very strong one. The relationship however may become strained. The parent may no longer feel comfortable in their childs presence. They see their "son" wearing a dress and make-up. It can be most upsetting for them. Also, they are older and of a different generation, one that is certainly of a more conservative upbringing. Time does help and memories of that other person fade in time. We still hang onto our sense of self-worth and our new sense of dignity. All else in our lives is at risk. It's the only thing we can really rely on at this point. But, we make new friends who are transsexual, often via the internet. We start our lives over. We continue to fight the lonliness.
We have now been diagnosed by our therapists as suffering from Gender Identity Disorder, a requirement to begin feminizing hormone therapy through the care of an endocrinologist. We are prescribed estrogen of some form and possibly testosterone blockers. These hormones will begin to bring our emotional and physical genders together as one. There are potential harmful side effects from these medications so it is very important that a doctor monitor our bodily functions. Internally, these medications will change our hormonal balance to that of female. Our testosterone levels will be reduced to that of a genetic woman. Our estrogen levels will also increase. Our bodies will begin to change. We will develop breast tissue. Our body hair will decrease. Our skin will become more sensitive and soft to the touch. Our muscle tone will soften. As our facial muscles soften, our faces will take on a subtley more feminine appearance. Body fat will tend to gravitate more toward the hip area and less to the waist area. There are emotional changes as well caused by hormonal changes as well as by our sense of
fullfillment. We become more at peace. We become calmer. The aggressive testosterone is leaving us. We are becoming female in body as well as in soul. Hormones are not a cure-all however. There are things that they do not affect such as voice, bone structure, previous hair loss, facial hair, and mannerisms. We fortunately do have resources available to help us with these. Reconstructive surgery is available to reduce or remove certain male characteristics. Adam's Apple shaving, forehead/brow restructuring, hip alteration, nose and jawline alteration, and vocal chord surgery are good examples. These are expensive procedures that can help us to "pass" as genetic females, a goal that is very important to most of us. We begin the process of facial hair removal through electrolysis. This is a very painful and slow method of permanantly killing facial hair. On average, most transsexual women spend well over 1000 hours in electrolysis at a cost of $30.00 to $70.00 per hour to bring the desired result. Electrolysis really should be considered a legal form of torture! It is an awful experience but we find ways to control the pain. We must. Electrolysis is a very important aspect of our transition. There are certain aspects of transition that are learned. We must learn to use feminine mannerisms and not fall back on the old male tendencies that we had learned. We must relearn how to walk and to gesture and to sit and to dance and to speak. I found that some of these came very easily now that I was free to express the female within. Certain behaviours such as speech I have found most difficult. We work hard at these in order to pass as genetic women. Why? Because we don't want to be laughed at or ridiculed or stared at. We desire to "blend" with the population in some areas of our lives. Some of us will never pass all of the time, in fact most of us will not. Some are very lucky in not having been cursed with strong male bodily characteristics. Some may have the money to have had expensive reconstructive surgery. Those of us who do not pass all of the time must be able to cope with the fact that transsexuals as a community are misunderstood and disdained my many. This again is where our new sense of self esteem must be strong. We must be able to recognize the truth, that we are good people and those that laugh at our difference are the ones with the real problem. I ask myself, "Our people who laugh at others good people?" Maybe they have problems within that they have never dealt with. Maybe it's easier for them to point the finger at someone else. I think this to have a truth to it. The word discrimination means to judge someone based on a physical attribute rather than on their merits as a human being. I find it funny that society on a whole agrres that discrimination is wrong but at the same time I suppose it's OK to be discriminatory to certain groups. Transsexuals are still misunderstood and discriminated against. We have however come a long way. We still are careful however, not to be "read" by others while out in public for the risk of harassment and predjudiced behaviour. Many transsexuals live stealth lives. They move far away and start over in their new gender roles. If they pass well enough, they may tell no one that they were born male. They prefer to be seen by others as simply genetic females. Throughall of this, we have to again dig deep inside for our new sense of pride and self esteem. This will allow us to overcome these obstacles. I think that we always must keep our heads held high in the face of this adversity. Otherwise, it will eat us alive. We cn=annot be vengeful toward those who will not accept us. We must try to understand that this is not an easy thing for some to accept. We must have patience with our friends and loved ones. We must hold life in it's highest morality. If we do so, I would like to think that eventually people will see us for who we really are and not judge on based on our transsexuality. Not only will this help us to maintain our dignity, but it will also help our survival and will help others to come to an understanding that transsexuals are people too.