Random Journal
5-13-99
It is in the morning. I have had a nice rest,I just had to get up and write out these strong feelings. This is how I feel right now, not all of the time but at the moment these feelings are 100% how I feel.
I am looking in the mirror, and although I appear as a 30 something male to society I do not see that. I look at myself and see a woman inside and she feels that she is masquerding as a man. When I look past the male exterior and strip away the guilt, the shame and the lack of society's acceptance I know that I am a woman and I feel complete love for myself as a woman. I do not feel this kind of love as my masculine self.
The random journal
5-25-99
I awaken again and write down these strong feelings.
I am a transsexual woman. There! I said it!!!
I am accepting this more and more although it is rather difficult at times. As I write this, I am sitting in my room and I am wearing my pretty white nightgown, it has lovely red roses all over it. I feel so feminine and pretty wearing this. I have a rag doll (I named her Becky) I felt compelled to buy her at the store the other day. I sleep with Becky every night, hugging her as I sleep. This helps me to feel, touch the woman inside.
Day by day I am coming to grips with my t.s.
Because of years of denial and not realizing my true inner self, I sometimes doubt my transsexuality. This moment (like many others in the past 8 months)I have no doubt that I am a woman inside.I should have been born female. Because of almost 40 years of living as a male it is sometimes hard to express the woman within. But she is most ceartinly there. Since society is very against transexuality, I often struggle with guilt and feel that this is why I occasionaly feel that my feminine self goes into hiding and I try to deny her. Yet I know for sure my feminine self is really who I am.
To go on denying my feminity and living completly as a male would on the outside be an easier task.
It would mean acceptance from society, easier to make a living, easier to get by in everyday life.
But this is not who I am , I have to face this. I often think of Shakespeare: "to thy own self be true". I have inner struggles with who I am because I have only felt real strong feminine feelings for about 8 months. Prior to this though for about 10 to 15 years I always had reoccuring thoughts about wanting to be female. Since expressing my feminity, any feminine thought, feeling, action or expression feels so right, so natural, so good that I cant deny me this wonderful part of myself.
For example when I am alone and doing any ordinary activity while wearing my skirt, blouse, lipstick and pantyhose I feel so whole, so natural, so feminine,so ME. It feels fantastic.
In fact since discovering my femine self I truly feel that I found that "missing element" in my life.
So I ask myself: now what? I am still trying to figure that out. I know that I cant return to the outward easier life of self denial. And I feel it is too soon to make any permanent descisons, (like hrt or s.r.s.) If I ever choose these options it will be several years in the future. So for now I will continue to strive for self acceptance and self love. I will express my feminity in private, on this website and to a few close friends.
It is not easy for me to write about my t.s. feelings. I hope by writting this I can help others like me who are struggling with their feelings.
Miss X
I remained
Hidden from view
Afraid to show myself
or my true colors.
Cloaked
Concealed
I endured.
Waiting for the spring
with the sunlight
the signal to emerge.
Slowly
Cautiously
I begin to unfold my wings,
finding the courage
discovering my strength.
In awe
I marvel at the array
Deepest sapphire blue
Renewing amethyst violet
Tranquil aquamarine
Iridescent blushing rose
Sparkling
Radiant
I take flight.
Kirsti A. Dyer, MD, MS
Like the butterfly,
I have the strength and the hope to believe
In time
I will emerge from my cocoon...
Transformed.
Kirsti A. Dyer, MD, MS
I, a woman My friend Cindy's story.
