David's Personal Pages

My Life on Disability

The last six years of my life have been on disability. What circumstances put me on disability? Why am I still on disability, and will I continue to stay on disability? These are questions I ask myself continuously, and here are the answers.

The reason I am on disability is because I am too depressed to stay on the job. I had been fighting severe depression since 1992. That was when I began to think seriously about suicide. I had broken off a relationship with a friend after six months, and I began to doubt if I was capable of committing to a relationship at all. I began to think how alone I would be and I became depressed. The depression was affecting my attendance on the job, and my reputation was coming into question. During May of 1993 I was diagnosed with diabetes, and the depression became worse. The oral medication prescribed for me would work for a short period then stop working. A higher dose was prescribed for me three times. In May of 1994, I attempted suicide. This was my second suicide attempt, my first was in October of 1988. I believe the reason to be that the uncontrolled diabetes was making the depression even more intense. For the next two years I changed jobs and left abruptly several times and went on state disability or unemployment as many times. I even tried Electro-Convulsive Therapy (shock treatments) in June of 1995. Finally, in November of 1996, I almost attempted suicide again, but instead I went to see my therapist who suggested going on disability again. I have been on disability since then.

When I was put on disability the last time, I was convinced that it would be permanent and I would continue on it for the rest of my life (however long that would be). That is a part of my being on it, even now. But, mostly it's fear. Fear of trying to go to work and failing, and if I failed would that be enough to finally commit suicide. Fear of success and discovering that I had been merely wasting my life, and would that be enough to commit suicide, as well. Fear that any action would end in me committing that final act of suicide.

I have decided that my life is as empty as it could get, so a change is absolutely necessary for me to move forward. I am currently working with the California Department of Rehabilitation to get me back to work. The first thing I did was select a career that would be interesting and motivate me enough to follow it through to the end. Next, I needed training in that field. I selected the closest college with the appropriate classes to get me back to work as soon as possible. I made an attempt last September and had to pull out by October. I began with too much to begin with and six hours a day travel time, five days a week put too much stress on me and my attendance began to falter. I became depressed. Eventually, I dropped all classes. I am close to a full recovery from that failed attempt, but I am ready to begin again using the knowledge that the failed attempt has given me.

David L. Carlson
November 28, 2001