Marie's Biography
I am a pre-operative transsexual on hormonal treatment since October 1994 and
and living full-time as a female from 14th July 1995.
At 3 I was in a nursery school blisfully playing with the girls making daisy chains.
The playgroup leader said that I should be playing with the boys so I tried.
I was called queer and a cissy at that age. I wanted to put on the girl's hats
from the toy box but was discouraged.
At 4 I started Primary school. I was the cry baby.
'I you cry anymore we are going to have to build an ark' joked the teacher.
I was a loner and was picked on. I didn't want to do the rough and tumble games like
the other boys. I wanted to do skipping and headstands like the girls.
My favourate toys were gender neutral. I played nurse to my action man who never went
to war. I knitted him a blanket to keep him warm. He must of been in the UN as
he never went to war. I loved playing shops. My mom even let have a doll and cut out dolls.
Sports became more threatening and I detested playing.
At 8 I tried on some of my moms things in private. If only.
At 13, an age that seemed to last a decade for me, puberty came.
It was not welcome, I was being badly bullied at the time. I started to have
feelings for girls but they never seemed right. I never went after girls
and thought I was really ugly. I buried myself into work to forget about it.
I realised that I had these TS feelings and was horrified. I lived in such a
normal village with normal parents. People who were like this only existed in
newspapers or television. They were freaks and perverts because the media said
they were. Plus they were all gay. Whereas I was not. I was dressing up in
secret in my mom's things. It riddled me with guilt. I attempted suicide
but even then I still did not admit to my problem. It was so shameful.
My parents would have punished me so much.
The bullying at the time was about the small breasts I had developed at
puberty, they mocked me by saying I should be a woman and have a bra.
What upset me was they were right and I had to disagree.
I knew at 14 that I had to work hard to achieve in life. My dad had been made
redundant and I realised how a good education was essential. Academically I
excelled. I ended up with 10 'O' levels at good grades. Life was okay in 6th
form. People didn't question why I hadn't ahd a girl friend. I had started to
buy my own girls clothes then so I didn't have the guilt of using my mom's
things. I ended up with 3 A levels. I had started playing with computers
as I liked them and knew that they were the future with good job prospects in
learning about them.
At 16 I went out as Marie for the first time. I must have looked god awful.
But I had no trouble. I saw my female shadow on the floor for the first time and
I was ellated.
At 18 I went to university. I was free of my parents and plebs at last.
My personality blossomed. In my own private room I could dress and dream to
my hearts content, but it was lonely, I craved having a girlfriend. I had no
success. Maybe girls picked up on something being wrong with me. I read as
much as I could about the condition in the university library. I discovered
that TSs were just like me. Not perverts nor necessarily gay. This frightened
me. I was scared even of being a TV but being a TS....
At 19 I went to the university consellor, Mel. I was scared stiff I hadn't told
a soul about this and I thought that she would be disgusted at me and accuse me
of being a pervert. She was very kind and understand which was a relief to me.
I was in counselling for a year and she cured all of my nervous dispositions
that I had built up around the condition. At the end I thought that I was just
TV as I could cope with that and that a grilfriend would cure me of an TS
feelings. I was at the end of my teather went I went into counselling and it
helped me so much. During conselling a dreadful thing happened to me.
I was living in a student house with 3 guys. I ended up doing all the cleaning
and being the butt of jokes. I think they might have found out about me as
they had become hostile. One day this guy Paul saw me adjusting my cycle and
leared menicingly. I am sure that he tampered with it because the next day I
had a terrible accident. I was rushed to hospital and had glass wood and grit
removed form my face. I was in so much pain. A doctor said to me that I would
require plastic surgery. I knew then that my face would be scared for life and
that I would never be a pretty young girl. They had no beds in the hospital so
they sent me home in a taxi, with my head entirely bandaged, to an empty, dirty
student house to cook my own supper. I had requested a bottle of pain killers
and like a fool the nurse gave them to me. I was at home alone with the pills.
I had called my parents. I starred at the pills and logically thought of taking
them all. Peter, he only nice guy in the house, arrived with his girlfriend.
They held my hand and took away the pills. Mom and dad had sped through the
night to be with me. The next day I had the plastic surgery under a local
anesthetic. They repaired my face with a graft they scraped, very audibally,
from my ear. I had a week of worry in bandages. When they took them off I
looked like frankenstein. Over the next month things improved. The scars
became little noticable. Today I have to point them out to people. The incident
ruined my second year exam results. Mel introduced my to some TVs and TSs.
I realised then that I got on with the TSs. I learn't a lot from them and the
thought of doing it became feasible. But I still wanted to fight it and make a
go of things as a normal guy.
At 22 I moved into a better student household and times were happy.
I ended up with a 2.2 in computer science. I should have been a 2.1 barring the
second year.
I then had an awful time being stuck at home unemplyed.
At 23 I found a job with an large IT company.
I enjoyed my work and still do. I made friends and tried to live the macho life
but kept on dressing and dreaming in private. All I needed was the right girl.
At 24 I met a girl Tracy. We dated for 12 dates. I thought I was happy with the
hugging and kissing. I was very romantic, buying her little things. She had
chatted me up in a night club and kissed me first. She was tall, stocky,
forceful and had a motorbike. Looking back on it she was very manly. She found
me strangely like a girl. I whimpered when we kissed I didn't press her to have
sex like other guys. Finally she thought that I didn't really fancy her for
this reason. She said that if she ever had a daughter she would call her Toni.
That was so telling. She ditched me and was with another guy the next day.
During that time I had started going out in public and had got my act together
to pass almost completely. I went on a company training course for a week
spending all the evenings as Marie with my friend Angela. I passed so well that
a guy chated me up in the hotel discotheque. After a week I knew that I had the
looks to make it work in that same way that Angela did. I also saw my hair
receding and my stubble thicking and my male functioning was becoming
so hideously distressing. I was living a lie for others peoples benefit I
wasnt living. At that time I had an incident where I nearly died in a light
aircraft accident. As the plane engine stuttered to a halt, due to our empty
fuel tank I thought I am going to die a bloke. The thought of dying a bloke was
more repungant than dying itself and as if some god had heard me
the engine started and we landed the plane on the fuel vapours.
This was the final straw I went to Charing X NHS GIC. There I
was given appauling treatment. 10 minute interviews, delayed appointments,
group therapy sessions with 40 people. A Dr Montgommery told me I was TV after
quoting things I hadn't said and feeling my breasts for no apparent medical
purpose. This was the final straw I cried all the next day. I confided in
Caroline, who worked in my office. She was not shocked and very supportive.
I started making lots of TS friends and joined GEMS. I realised that it
was possible thing to do. I went to Dr Reid and he realised I was a Primary
TS and put me onto pills. After 4 months I would realised that they were the cure
for me and that I could not lead a male life anymore. I was so clear headed at last.
life. I agreeing things with my company counsellor who has supported my
throughtout. My company seems to have a good policy for TSs.
At 25 I bought my own home, at this point I revealled all to mom.
She had known I was worried. She thought it was AIDs or homosexuality at first.
She was very worried for me but did not disown me. We both thought it best not
to tell dad. He seemed to hate gays, so what would he make of me.
At 4 months I knew that the effects were right for me and felt great in myself.
I was worried about telling dad and felt suicidal for the 3rd time. I soon
realised that he would prefer a TS daughter to a dead son. So I tearfully told
him. He cried too and pledged his support. I had a bad time deciding whether to
keep a sperm sample at this point whist I still could. However I would have had
to fight an ethics commity and pay out lots of money and I was saving something
I should never have had. I decided not to do this after making the decision hard
on myself by seeing the children play in the park. I cried when I saw a proud
father photographing his young toodler.
At 5 months I was spotted by the women at work and they started askingi
questions. I told my boss, my bosses boss and his boss. To my absolute amazement
they were all supportive. I told the women and gradually told 40 people
indiviually. Then I annouced to all 160 people. I gradually altered my dress
and went full time 6 weeks ago. I have had a minority of people go totally cold
on me but that does not worry me. I am happy. I hope to have surgery soon, after
seeing Angela go through hers sucessfully in the last few weeks. I am now
happily interested in just blokes and have dated 4 attractive, young,
straight boyfriends so far.(They did know of my condition to start off with BTW)
Marie (This ought to be made into a novel)
