As the months have gone by, I have had the joy of experiencing things I had hidden so deep inside of me. Things I couldn't admit to anyone, let alone even to myself. My whole point of view, the way I thought about things has changed dramatically for me. Some things I always knew were there and others I didn't. Coming out and accepting who I am has brought me great joy and yes, some pain. But I expected that.
One important issue that kept creeping up in mind was my sexual orientation. I did put on my web site that I was looking for that someone special that I could share my life with. But I kept thinking about the gender of that special person I wanted to be with. I began to get very confused about that. And I wondered if this was the right time to even pursue such a big decision I would some day have to make. I told myself that I should wait to decide such a thing but I couldn't get it off my mind. And I didn't know why? Why would it be such a concern for me now? Was I feeling all alone that caused me to start thinking about that?
But the fact remained that I needed an answer to this. Whether it was time or not I felt I needed to resolve this issue. When I was young, I did as every boy should do and that was to think about girls. Being conditioned to think about girls and girls alone, I just assumed that was what I wanted and the right thing to do. All though I felt I was a female, it was bad to think of being with a male. So, when I did start dating, it was with girls only. Yes, I did the macho thing if pretty girls walked by and I would watched them like they were some type of prey I should conquer. What a babe, sure would like to get her in bed and have some wild sex. And being that well adjusted male that I was I continued to think that way for most of my life.
All my dates were with females. All my marriages were to females. I had been attracted to females and that was what I always thought I wanted. Not to mention that society demands that males be with females. And I certainly wouldn't challenge societies choice of what gender I should be with. Not me, no way! Yea right!
After my second wife had left me, I began to question what gender I did want to be with. For the first time in my life, being the girl I am, I started thinking about being with a male. This naturally kind of really blew my mind. To put it mildly. What the hell was I thinking? Still in utter self denial, why would I start thinking that? Was I just sick of being dumped by my first two wives? Did I really want to be with a male? I wondered as Laurie was that what I wanted? I found myself looking at males and thinking what it would be like to be with one. It made sense, I am a girl and girls are suppose to be with males. This was the first time I had ever thought about being with a male.
I knew that I was a girl, so I didn't consider myself gay for looking at a male. I started thinking to myself, this was all I needed. I wasn't confused enough about what gender I am but now thinking about being with a male on top of all that. Was I going crazy, ready for the loney bin. I didn't know. But after several months of trying to figure that out, my conditioning as a male took over again and ended any thoughts of being with a male. Right! Was I wrong. But the thought would never enter my mind until late in my third marriage.
Being the macho man I was (what a joke) , I met my third wife and that pretty much ended my curiousity about being with a male. I was right back doing what society said I should do. Living my life for everyone else once. As the years gradually went by I began to hate being with my wife in bed. I realized that after I started to think more about being Laurie again. About being the girl I knew I was. I began to get so jealous of her and the role she played in our relationship. I had never thought about this before. And it hit me hard. Had I thought this way all my life and now just let myself think about it? My answer to that wouldn't come to me until much later.
As you know if you have kept up with my bio, my marriage started going down hill rapidly at this point. My only interest really was being Laurie. And that is all I thought of until a few months ago. But once again the thought of being with someone and what gender they were resurfaced in my mind. I had pretty much figured on being with another girl again. I guess you could say "retry abort or fail" type thing. Hadn't I learned my lesson after three failed marriages. I guess not. I had convinced myself that I wanted to be with another girl. The only thing I was sure of at this point was that it would be hard as hell to find a girl who would understand me and what I was.
Finding this girll the conventional way was totally out of the question. It could take me years and my chances were pretty slim at best. I know that some of you will say there are girls out there that do understand and let their husbands, boyfriends etc. dress up and have no problem with it. But to me finding someone would never happen. I had failed miserably so many times it would be a miracle at best if someone came along. But soon I would see things totally different. And different it was.
When I built my site, I had put down that I was looking for a male, female, cd, tv, tg, or ts. I felt that pretty much covered everything. Two months ago I took out female. Some how I started to realize that I didn't want to be with another female. It didn't have much to do with being able to find one who would understand either. I just knew I didn't want to be with one again. It wouldn't feel right to me anymore. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had been with females all my life because males were suppose to be with females. Anything else would be evil, taboo and would go against what society deemed improper.
All these years I had been thinking that my attraction to females was genuine. I now started to question that seriously. Discussing it with my therapist one day she asked me if when I was with a girl did I feel right about it? Did it seem natural? Did I feel comfortable in my role as the male. I surprised myself by saying "No". I told her I actually hated it. I knew deep down that I hated everytime I had sex with a girl. But never allowed myself to think such horrible things. And now all that changed.
Did this mean I was gay? Or that I was a lesbian? Certainly not. I finally allowed myself the opportunity to explore this totally hidden part of myself. It finally dawned on me that when it came to sex and what gender I was attracted to, it would be a male. My therapist said that I was heterosexual. Wow! I was normal. It all made sense to me. I am a female and naturally I would be attracted to males. I always told myself or anyone else that I would never, never be with a male. And sure enough, I wanted to be with one. And so, it came to pass that I finally was with the first male I had ever been with in my life. And as it turned out, well read part eight to find out the whole story.
To be continued..........