I had a 10 hour drive ahead of me and lots of time to think about what the future might bring and what I had left behind. For the first few hours all I could do was cry and think of the 10 years my wife and I spent together. I felt alone and uncertain. Sad, yet happy at leaving the horror we had put ourselves through the past few years. All I could do was wonder if I had done the right thing as the miles went by. What had I done? All the plans we had made, all the things we wanted to accomplish together ran through my mind as the miles went by.
Arriving at my new home was a mixed blessing for me. A new world was about to unfold, yet I was a little hesitant. Everything was different, unknown to me, unsure and unfamiliar. I had never had actually seen my net friends before, so I was a little unsure of who they were and what their reaction would be towards me. Who were these people? Were they really friends? Did I do the right thing by coming here? So many questions, yet no answer to anyone of them.
But I was here for a reason. To live my life as I should have been doing for so many years. The thrill and joy of just knowing that, gave me strength in this uncharted territory. I had dressed up all my life. I could be Laurie now full-time. I had only to think of myself now and what lay ahead of me. But thoughts of my marriage would haunt me for many months to come, that I knew for sure. A fact I had to face. This was not going to be easy.
The weeks that followed were mixed with emotion. I had very little female clothing, a couple of old dresses I was given as a gift from a support group in denver and lots of old makeup my wife gave me. So, it was off to the thrift stores to try and find something half way decent I could wear. With the help of my friend, I managed to purchase a few blouses. I had some underwear my wife had given me and nylons that a male friend kindly bought for me. I bought a new bra and shoes and was pretty much set to start dressing again. The only thing holding me up was buying a wig. Wigs are not cheap and the cost prevented me from buying one for several weeks. In the mean time all I could do was practice putting on nail polish. Which isn't easy to do by the way, trust me.
Then the day I had the money to buy a wig finally came. I was overjoyed at the thought of finally being Laurie completely. With my friend in tow, we walked into a beauty shop to find a wig for me. The shop was relatively empty except for two ladies getting their hair done. An older lady approached us and asked what we wanted. I told her that I was looking for a wig and she led us to the back of the shop. I sat down and started looking through books of wigs they offered. I was trying not to look at the other ladies in the shop. But they soon figured that the wig was for me. Once I started trying on several wigs it was easy to figure out. I was surprised at how nice the lady that was helping me find a wig was. She didn't seem bothered by my request but they are paid to be nice right? I finally found the wig I wanted and proceeded to pay for the wig and they assured me I could pick it up in about a week. I knew once we walked out, the ladies would have much to talk about. But I held my head up high as we left. I felt good as we walked back to the house, which surprised me. I didn't worry what the ladies in the shop thought of me or what they would say. A big change for me as I have always worried what people would think if they knew that I thought of myself as a girl. Society's control that hung over my head for so many years and prevented me from being who I truly was.
But as luck would have it the wig didn't come on time. Excited and anxious as I was it was a letdown to be sure. But several days later it finally came and we headed to the shop again to pick it up. This time the shop was full of people. My heart started racing, I got nervous and a little shaky. One of the employees said out loud that the wig was in and proceeded to bring it to me. Everybody in the shop knew then who it was for. She explained a few things I should know about it's care, prolonging our visit for a few more minutes, in front of all those people. But as we walked out of the shop, I again felt good and didn't care much what those people were thinking of me. I had the last piece of my wardrobe I needed and it was time to be Laurie once again.
The next day was going to be my day. I was nervous and excited at the same time. I had not been seen as Laurie in 10 years. I had not dressed as Laurie in 10 years. My friends would be the first people to see me and that made me nervous. But I didn't care, I knew what I had to do. I was rusty at putting on my makeup but that didn't matter to me. I forged ahead and finally appeared as Laurie. My friends didn't laugh or ridicule me and I slowly calmed down after being very nervous while I dressed. I had done it. After 10 years I finally was Laurie again. It was a very happy moment for me. A moment filled with joy and relief. I actually did it.
As the days and weeks went by I knew I had done the right thing. The anger, horror and frustration I felt with my wife disappeared. The relief I felt couldn't be described in words. I was happy, excited and a new person. But I did have times when I was sad and depressed that my marriage ended. I missed my wife, that was for sure, and I knew I still loved her very much. I found myself wanting to go back to her and be with her again. But I knew that would be impossible. But nevertheless, I loved her and missed her very much. It was hard on me as I struggled to deal with the separation and my need to be Laurie. I found myself asking did I do the right thing? Was losing all I had worth it? Only time would tell.
It has been months now since our break up. I had been dressing daily and my inner peace I was experiencing was hard to describe. The anger of being something that I was not slowly started to go away. I was a girl on the inside and now on the outside. I was becoming a whole person. It amazed me that I had put this off for so long, to make others happy and not for myself. Why had I put myself through so much hell. I thought to myself, how stupid could I have been all these years. Hiding who I am for some guy down the street. Hiding because society told me it was wrong for me to feel like I do. To act and dress as I felt I should for 32 years. To be the girl I truly am. I was hiding to satisfy everyone I saw or didn't see. I lived my life according to what everyone else said I should, to conform and be normal. How stupid it was for me to do that. To let others control my life for me. I was gettng sick to my stomach and angry as hell. At myself! Why did I put others before me? Why did I let them control my life? It was time I took control and be who I really am. I would not hide anymore, from no one.
To be continued..........