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| PART 2 |
| The path that I have walked |
| One night while I was passing through the kitchen, he stopped me and observed the split in my lip that he had caused the evening before. He asked "does that hurt?" and pushed into it with his finger. That was it ... reaching back quickly and gathering every ounce of strength that I could muster ... I caught his ass. I watched as he stumbled and then blotted and caressed his bleeding lip with his fingers. I asked sarcastically ... "DOES THAT HURT?" ... stepping back to brace myself and prepare for his wrath. His response as he smiled at me was "You've got a pretty good hit" and with that being said it pissed me off even more. I didn't want to have a pretty good hit. I wanted to rock his ass, stunning him the same way he did me. The very first time, I was unsuspecting. I didn't know that he was about to unload on me as if I were another man. I'll never forget the way he slowly walked towards me. I didn't even see his hands move ... I just remember a sharp pain in my head, trying to gain back my vision and gasping for a breath and in doing so, swallowing the portion of my tooth that he had broken. From then on anytime that he got in my face, I made it a point to not back down and I would try my hardest not to flinch. Sometimes I didn't and sometimes I did. Eventually, I finally was able to walk away, I'll always and forever have this scar as a reminder, I can't dwell on it, I've learned from it. As for him ... he's suffering pretty bad, mentally and physically. Believe me when I say that I don't wish bad things on any person and to hear that, it wasn't amusing. All I can say is ... "what goes around, comes back around." No longer can I be bitter about my past. I just accept the fact that these were lessons that are all a part of life. I also understand that there are more lessons and more learning that I will go through. I have analyzed myself over and over, coming to many different conclusions ranging from "I'm just not an acceptable person. Low and unworthy" to forcibly believing that "men were to blame for all of my problems." No longer my beliefs. I felt that because I hadn't had strong, positive relationships with the men of my family. My Mom and Dad divorced when I was very young, at the age of about five, I came home to find daddy gone. One brother has been in and out of rehab since he was a teenager, it was rare seeing him then and even more rare seeing him now and another brother whom I haven't seen since I was 8 or 9 and haven't spoken to in a little over 11 or 12 years. I thought that I could find familylike support and I desperately searched for someone to take me in under his wing, who would protect me and teach me. I attached myself to these people in search of those things that I had been missing at home. Soon I stumbled upon the thought that maybe I was the cause for them leaving and began to fear that the men who would come into my life would leave abruptly also ... this fear is no longer. I no longer degrade or blame myself for the past but try to understand it a little more and recognizing the fact that I'm not the only one who may have suffered in certain situations. I've come to grips with the thought that the distance and the departures probably and most likely were for the best. I believe that dwelling negatively on the past will not allow me to move forward. I'm still growing as a person, I'm still full of love. Love for my friends, family and whomever else that would like to be drenched in it, I'm still patiently awaiting for "The One". I'm still a bit silly, a little more tolerating, a little more verbal, a little more understanding, and the beauty of it all is simply ... I'M MO BETTA! and THIS IS NOW! |
| THAT WAS THEN... |
| I just wanted to say thank you for taking a moment to read this, to some of you this may not mean shit, to others maybe you understand, writing this was release and closure. Also a bit of advice, whether your male or female ... Never allow anyone to come into your life and mistreat you and never settle for less. |
| Vickey ~ I will never apologize for crying ... I will never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship because I know my safety is priority ... I will never apologize for giving my best in a relationship that just didn't work out. and I will never apologize for being me. As you say "Why fall in love, when you can rise in it" Thank you, gurrrl! =)~ |
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