There are two kinds of abuse - physical and emotional or psychological. We will focus first on the Physical abuse. Usually, it is associated with the fact that men more often than not physically abuse their spouses, and sometimes their dates. This can be in the form of sexual abuse or physically hitting or engaging in some other physically harmful behaviour which is not agreed to.

PLEASE NOTE : It is with regret that I refer to the fact that many men are abused BUT just don't report it. I know of two men who have been abused and while being abused called the police. In both instances, the police arrested the man, choosing to believe the woman. When bruises started to show, both men were believed and let go BUT if the man is NOT to be believed, it makes it more difficult to get accurate statistics.

The individual who strikes out physically is most often the man (in known statistics) and as a consequence there are many types of help for the female so abused. However, when it is the man who is physically abused (and this happens far more than is thought possible), there is little assistance and most men are unwilling to admit they have been abused.

Physical abuse often leaves ugly psychological scars which most men and women who have been so scarred are unwilling to admit. First amongst these is FEAR. Second, usually, there is a reduction in the socialization of the person so hurt. Finally, there is a further attraction to the abuser in the hopes of reforming the abuser or helping someone who obviously has deep psychological hurts or why else would that individual have abused?

I was urged to take this section off my web pages because it might cause me trouble in the long run. However, I can not do that because I feel so strongly about it. You see I have been the victim of abuse.

In my case, my spouse first became abusive to herself and to our first child. That scared me. She overdosed and she allowed our baby to fall at times when a normal mother would have avoided that. I even covered up for her and drove them to the hospital for emergency. No one questioned an educated woman bringing a baby in who had fallen down stairs.

When she overdosed, I had two small children (one under one) to handle so I drove her to the hospital, called her counsellor, and met with him as she was having her stomach pumped. I urged that she not be hospitalized and thus became a co-dependent. I spent days trying to help her overcome.

For the next years, when she got angry she threw things, and damaged walls which I was always able to repair. Almost immediately after we had the kitchen redone with new cupboards and all, she got so angry one day that she started pulling one of the cabinet doors open and slammed it shut until the door split in two right down the middle. I managed to glue it, making sure it matched and put it back up so no one would notice - again I was a codependent

Finally, one night she got up and left a group we had meting in our living room. When she did not return, I went to see if something was wrong as I tough she had gone to the washroom. Well, when I walked into the darkened back room, she pummelled me and for two weeks my shoulder, arm and chest were black and blue. We had company in the front room so I did not scream and I did not run and I did not hit back. Once she had got it out of her system, we went back into te front room and isn't it interesting, the church group that was meeting there chose to pray for me.

That was followed by several times when she picked me up from work or was driving me to work, when she would throw her right arm out and strike me if I even so much as tensed when on ice or another car was skidding. One day, I arrived at the office so shook up about being hit that I put my head down and cried for half an hour> My solution was to want another vehicle. She fought me tooth and nail on that because if she drove me she had complete control over me. Finally, after several counsellors told her it was OK to have a second car and I kept relentlessly pushing, we did get a second car and when we would go together, I would drive.

It is interesting that it was this last event which brought me to an awareness - a fear which I had not experienced before and a feeling that I could do nothing for my spouse.

After all I had been going to counselling with her for 21 years at that point and when she blamed ME, I TRIED hard to do things better. If only I had stepped out of the situation when it all started!

One of the most pernicious aspects of abuse is that it gives the abuser control. If one cares, like I have, one is concerned about what might happen if you are not there to rescue. Perhaps it feeds a feeling that YOU (the victim) are important because YOU can keep the perpetrator from killing themselves. I am convinced now that it is NOT true for the abuse to self and others only gets worse.

The victim is victimized twice - from having been hurt physically and then from having to move away from the situation. I NEVER chose to have to support a woman who does nothing for herself and who treated me like dirt - and the courts rule that being a victim in such circumstances means one should continue to be a victim since they insist on financial support even once someone has split with that individual.

The kind of abuse I have discussed here is probably easier to deal with than emotional abuse BUT the abuser in both instances is probably also a victim. In my wife's case, she was a victim in her home of upbringing. I understood that. That is why I supported counselling. However, over the years, whenever a suggestion was made which would be helpful, she changed counsellors. That put her in control so she did not have to ge better. I must have been stupid to not see it. If something was painful, she would say "I can't discuss that - it is too hard".

This section is just beginning. I beg you to stop back and check it out later.