I stand alone reflecting on days past when I would look out upon the Pacific; her waves touching the soles of my feet digging them deeper into the sea soaked California shoreline; the breeze light and airy with a touch of that Pacific chill. Even the blades of grass appear hypnotized by her gentle movement.
I am surrounded by the beauty, majesty, and awe that I identify with my Creator. There is life above, beneath, and on both sides of me. No matter where I look there is something breathing, multiplying, creating, dying or making room for a new life.
These life-giving wonders breathe images into my mind with respect to the circle of life; First we are born -- then we die. Okay, but what about that area that lies sandwiched between birth and death? What makes that time special to some and hideous to others? What determines what, when, where, why, and how we become who we are? What is it that triggers our inner space to merge together and form a thought, reaction, action, emotion or way of being?
The seagulls have moved inland and the blades of grass standing in defiance of the mighty Pacific have all but disappeared under her cresting tide. I am now knee deep within her mantle; her waves splashing against my legs in a scolding manner as I look toward the setting sun, and yet I still cannot bring myself to leave this place -- I want to continue my reflection on the circle of life and that area that lies between the Alpha and Omega; the beginning and the end.
Like the countless square miles that constitute the California shoreline -- that area of gray matter that exists between the beginning and end of any journey is equally long. No matter where you begin or end your journey, there is always a an opportunity that catches your eye just enough to peak your curiosity that you feel the need to pull off to the side of the road and investigate.
What makes this journey memorable is not what took place in the beginning (because that has already passed), or where you end up in the end (because that destination has not yet been arrived at), but what happens between the beginning and the end that makes the experience memorable.
What makes a journey of this magnitude intimidating, frustrating, and frightening is that moment when all time appears to stop and we sense deep within our soul that we have become lost. There are no landmarks or mile markers; architecture or points-of-interest familiar enough in which to gauge your way back to where you were. You begin to feel a sense of panic. Your heart begins too race and your breathing becomes short and shallow. Sweat begins to fall from your brow and your hands become cold and clammy.
You begin to wonder when you lost your sense of direction; when you made that right turn instead of left. You second-guess yourself to the point where you lose confidence in your ability to navigate from point A to point B. You wander about aimlessly traveling Helter Skelter in the hope of coming in contact with something familiar--something tangible that you can place your hands on. And yet, no matter which direction you travel, your panicked mind paints exaggerated miles of endless roads, ocean and countryside. You're no longer focused and you shudder at the thought of being out of control; alone and exposed on a lonely California highway.
It is the road least traveled; a road I was lost on for thirty years; a virtual reality of "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride,"--only I was not on a reckless adventure through old London as much as I was with myself. I turned left when I should have turned right. I went forward instead of in reverse.. I went under instead of over the bridge. I stopped when I should have kept moving and I failed to ask for directions--that is until Baltimore 2005.
Katharine Lee Bates was on target when she wrote those immortal words, "...from sea to shining sea!" in America the Beautiful. It was on the west coast -- 30 years hence when I came out to my best friend. I was fourteen years old and didn't have a clue about the journey I was about to experience. I was 43 years old visiting friends on the east coast when I came out the second time to two friends over dinner. An irony when you think about it. "...from sea to shining sea," indeed.
Ghostwriter Wanted!
Calling all interested writers, screenwriters and/or playwrites interested in assisting Carlos Michael with turning the above project into a stage play. I'm also looking for a talented writing partner who may be interested in working on another book and stage play projects when this project is completed. Amateur and beginning writers are encouraged to apply. First hand knowledge of what it is to be gay is helpful, but not necessary. An open mind, being gay friendly and possessing a sense of humor will also work. Please click on email link above to write Carlos Michael about who you are and why you're interested in this project (and don't be shy). If possible, please include a resume, references and a photo snapshot of yourself.
Happy writing!