April 2002

Entry #37: 04/03/02...9:13PM

Another day...another entry...I didn't wait all that long this time...see??
I wrote to Terry the other night. After rewriting the journal entries involving him, & then rewriting the rant section that was his time I started thinking that perhaps I had reacted out of leftover fear & not on my true thoughts...
You may recall Terry from Entries #15 & 16. I assume if you weren't caught up you are now...
The more I've thought about it recently...& after receiving his reply...I've come to wonder...
In the beginning I thought it would do little good to see him again. After all the pain we had caused one another, I failed to see that we would have much to say.
Today, I was thinking about it a lot, wondering if I had done the right thing in asking if we could meet after all. I had some interesting thoughts come to mind in response. I think I was scared that I had never truly grown out of that 17 y/o he had known...I mean, we all want to believe that as time goes on we mature. Yet how often do we find ourselves making the same mistakes we made before? If anything could test how much I've grown in these years, surely it would be seeing Terry again. I think I may have even vaguely mentioned that in my previous entries...How awful would it be to meet thinking we could be adults, only to find myself staring at him out of a youth's eyes, & seeing him as he was, not as he is. Yet, on the heels of that thought was its derailment...
Sure, I could hide, I could think myself mature & wise, but in so doing, was I not failing to offer him the chance to be redeemed? Not that he asked to be...but I want to see that we're men now...I want to know that we both stepped out of the shadow of our pasts, & stand now in the light where we belong.
I wrote to him that I harbored no ill will for him, & this is true. Even as the past was happening I only asked for him to find his way back to who I knew him to be...I never hated him...I never wanted to see him suffer. I just wanted it to end...
We were just kids, damn it!! We were just two kids...two lost kids finding something so womderful before we could even begin to know what to do with it...How could we ever blame one another for that?? How could we blame ourselves, or one another, for not knowing how to handle something we had never known??
Geez...Now I'm crying again...I can't recall the last time I cried over anything to do with Terry Jared...hehe...Now though, it's tears for an innocence that we both lost...
I want to sit there sometime, & I want to talk to the man I never got to meet, & I want him to be able to do the same. I doubt that we can ever be close friends, by nature of our growing so separated, but I think we should at least know those men that rose out of the ashes of those two kids...They deserve that.


Entry #38: 04/05/02...9:51PM

I've been dating again, & the more I do it the more lost I feel about it. I find someone, I like them, we wind up having sex, & instead of accepting that that's all there was to be...I feel the need to try to make it more. I think this is due to the fact that I don't make friendships. I have always tended to keep them at a distance. I have work friends, I have bar friends, but I have very few friends in the typical sense of the word...
I'm not sure what the reason for this is...Perhaps it's the danger of putting your trust in someone...Maybe it's just the leftover effects of low self-esteem...
Whatever it is...I am trying to make it change. I'm making an effort to make friends, & maintain the contacts necessary to keep those relationships. Of course, this effort is coming at a time when I am unable to focus my attentions. I'm finding it hard enough to keep a roof over my head currently...But I am trying to make it work desite that fact.
More later...I'm too distracted right now...


Entry #39: 04/10/02...1:28AM

Well...I haven't made an entry in five days, was feeling obligated, but nothing whatever has happened in those five days.
This will most likely then turn out to be one of my rambling entries...hehe
I've been redesigning my site, which I believe I may have mentioned in here before...I'm still working on it, but it's coming along really well,& I'm almost done with it...I wish I could get more people to let me design for them, or something...I'm getting tired of my own... hehe...
There's not really much for me to say I guess...
Til next entry...


Entry #40: 04/16/02...9:54PM

Here I sit @ the canal...
Letting the wind dry my sweat on my brow...
I was sitting @ home watching 'City of Angels', & the end, that makes me feel so empty, made me think of Marc...Why would anything make him return to me? I think he's gone & there he is again maocking me...
I never even knew him, yet I feel like I'm losing my soul whenever I think of him again.
What gave him that power?
I know I did...but why?
Why was he so special?
I don't know...
From that first night he just made me his...or I made me his...Whatever the semantics...In the end I'm still being torn apart by my desire for him.
I remember the night I knew I'd never have him...But how can I say I knew when still I pine away for him??...I got off the phone with him, & I self-destructed. I went out on the patio, & cursed God for ever bringing him to me...
I close my eyes & I see him now, sitting on the couch, telling me how his religion left him without explanations, & how he believed in the things we coudln't see...
I hear him telling me he counted how many times we kissed, I hear him showing me New York in glittering words...
& I wish so hard I was there holding him, kissing him...
& I want to go deaf.
I want to forget how he made me feel on that last night because he let it all go...
I want so badly to hate him for making me cry nearly a year later...
I want to SCREAM!!!
Why won't he go away?
I think of other guys...I can want someone else...So why won't he go away??
How can he mean everything & still fade away when someone else comes?
Are they replacing him, or is he replacing them? WHy would he be the one for me to float back to?
The lights around the canal reflect on the water, & look like bars, yet I feel comforted in the cell...Am I in it? Is the world behind those bars, kept away??
I wish I could show Marc the canal...It's so quiet & calm. I know he'd like it...
Why do I feel I know him?
It's the same way he knows me...
>>>Entry #41: 12:20AM
Okay...back home...exhausted from my bike ride...When I get upset I really punish myself on that thing...hehe...How do I survive in the winter, I wonder??
Anyway...I'm really not sure why I keep coming back to Marc...
Maybe it's only because I never got the chance to see where we could go, but I don't think that's it...or at the very least, not all of it...I think a lot of my fixation is that he was just perfect...Intelligent, wrote, wrote poetry back to me, big points, funny, dorky, passionate, dark-haired, light-eyed, small build...Perfect...
& there was the way we could read each other so well...He knew exactly what I would like to read, & I knew what each of his pauses meant...
I really don't feel up to this right now...More later...Maybe tomorrow...


Entry #42: 04/24/02...12:13AM

Well...What should I say?
I'm still thinking a lot about Marc, but I've yet to come to any answers.
I'm not really wanting to date anyone, mostly out of guilt for failing in the past relationships, & partly just because I don't know what the right thing to do is...Do I continue dating, & getting it wrong? Do I just focus all my attention on getting things in order?? So many things to do...How do I decide?? hehe
If I focus on getting things in order, does that mean that I can't make time to date someone as well?
*shrug*


March May