June 2001

Entry #19: 06/07/01...12:27PM

Well...It is with a heavy heart that I write this entry...
After much debate & confusion I've come to the decision that I'm going home for a while...I'm referring to it as a tactical retreat ...hehe...That way I don't feel like such a quitter...
I do have every intention of moving back here to Illinois again, but Don't know when that will be...
I can think of nothing else to say right now...so...


Entry #20: 06/15/01...11:00AM

Well, I'm off in a few hours...returning to Indy.
I've given myself 3 months to get back here...I'm leaving behind someone very special indeed...& While I don't know if we can ever be everything that we seem to be able to be to one another, I know that I cannot let him go without giving it another shot...I doubt that he reads this journal, but if you do, Marc, I will come back, & when I do, I won;t be settling for being your friend unless you tell me there's nothing else...
To the friends I leave behind here, I will miss you greatly, indeed, I do already...
3 Months...A deadline that I think I can live with...


Entry #21: 06/18/01...2:22PM

Okay everybody...I'm officially a Hoosier again...
Tony thinks that I'm crazy & that I'm just running from things...Hmph!!!...As if he knows me or something...hehe...
I suppose he's right in some ways, but it did seem like the most logical course to take at the time...
I'm sure he's tired of hearing about Marc, but I can't seem to help it...Tony says that I'm stupid for coming here when I'm obviously in love with him, & maybe he's right...I do love Marc, very much, but maybe by removing myself from the situation I can look at it more clearly & be sure of my feelings...Then again, as the old adage goes, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder.' I don't know...*shrug*...& how am I supposed to be sure that he does feel the same about me???
Anyway...I began job hunting today...Ugh...Of all the unpleasant things in this world, job hunting finds its way to the top of my list always...hehe
As always...Let you know as things develop...


Entry #22: 06/24/01...2:42PM

It's been one week since I came back here. Tony keeps telling me that I'm stupid for doing this because I'm just so miserable here, but I felt like it was the most logical thing to do.
When I planned on having dinner with Marc before I left I thought it would be a great way to say goodbye to him, & he was everything that he should have been, everything that I wanted him to be.
Of course, I had this secret fantasy that he would do the "romantic" thing & say don't go, but he didn't...In the end though, what he didn't say was even better. He told me as we held one another that he wanted me to come here, & do what I had to do...& then, maybe just my wishful thinking, but I don't think so...There was this pause, one of those silent ones that lets you know that there's more ot be said, but that he just doesn't know how to say it...I'm going to hope that it was something like '& then come back to me'...
We didn't do anything that we hadn't done before really...But somewhere in my heart I think I crossed this line that I had drawn to protect myself, & now I can't let him go the way I could before...I find myself wandering around this city @ night playing out these fantasies in my mind where we have something together, not to say that we don't now, have something, but in my fantasies, we acknowledge it...
I still don't know if Marc reads these journals, I doubt it, but who knows...
Tony keeps telling me I should not have left knowing the way I feel about him, but I felt like there wasn't another way that would have really worked...I keep feeling so guilty about leaving him though...I feel like I showed him & myself this little piece of how great we could be together, & now I worry that in leaving, I've shown him that I can walk away from that...& nothing could be further from the truth.
I feel like I left this huge piece of me back there, & now I'm doing all these things, but none of it matters...This city feels so empty sometimes...
He hasn't e-mailed me back yet, & that worries me even more...
I'm hoping that soon he does & he somehow lets me know that he feels just as lost without me...But then, that's me...ever the hopeless romantic...


Entry #23: 06/26/01...5:00PM

Still no communication from Marc...
I'm running out of hope that he's out of town, or really busy...
However, I don't really feel like going into this big negative right now...So I guess I'll make an entry later...hehe


Entry #24: 06/28/01...10:10PM

Today is Mom's B-Day...Happy B-Day MOM!!!
Well, last night I saw Doug...He's someone I went out with here. He always had this weird affect on me. One of those people that the attraction is so strong for that it's easy to lose yourself in it.
Things went very well it seemed, but ended rather abruptly with his disappearance. I was more upset than I should have been over it.
Then we managed to talk to one another again. I'm still not sure what made me approach him that second time, but I was still interested. Long story, short...He did it again, in even quicker measure. Again I was more upset than I should have been.
Imagine my surprise in seeing him again @ OPs last night. I walked up to him & acted just the way I had before. I'm not sure what to make of my reaction to him.
Marc is, of course, still a huge thought in my heart, but I'm losing my faith in his connecting with me. I've tried contacting him & now I've begun to think it's up to him to reach out to me as well.
How interesting that Doug should show up to stir my thoughts up more. Tony's encouraging me to go after him, but he just wants me to stay here in Indy.
Lots of things to dream on I suppose...


Entry #25: 06/29/01...12:49PM

Sometimes I think knowledge is like a time-release cold capsule.
You get just enough to get this idea, but not enough to be sure...
I called Doug & asked him if he wanted to go on a walk with me around the canal. We'll see if he calls back, or disappears again.
I'm still not sure of my reaction to him, but I figure I've always done better in the doing of things than the planning...
I want to have someone to hold just like everyone else on this planet does, but I don't want to chase after dreams anymore. I feel like I've wasted so much time doing that already. By dreams I don't mean fantasies & goals, but instead, the way that I have of perceiving my reality.
I've always wanted things so much that I created them in my mind. I want love, I feel love. The problem is, no heart can survive the constant defeats when that created reality(psychosis, I believe it's called) breaks down from truth's persistence.
I'm left wonder how someone so obsessed with truth can so ceaselessly delude themself they way I do...
I hope Doug calls back tonight & wants to take that walk with me...
The other night I found myself thinking I might stay here, but I think that was just my romantic side being stupid as usual...


May July