July 2001

Entry #26: 07/04/01...4:52AM

I gave Doug the poem I wrote him...or left it for him, rather. We'll see what he makes of it.
I don't know why I left there tonight. I wanted to be there, but I wanted him to know I was more.
Sometimes I'm so tired of wanting him...Other times it feels so good to know that someone can make you feel so good & not even know it.
Hope he calls me later today.
>>>Entry #27: 3:29PM
Sometimes I wonder what keeps me faithful in my belief in LOVE. I fail @ it so much I think sometimes, but maybe it's not failing if you feel it. Maybe being successful in LOVE is no more than being able to feel LOVE.
It's what makes us human, that capacity for feeling & the realization of that capacity's existence. It's what sets us apart from almost all of the other creatures on this planet. Not so much the ability to love, a mother dog loves her pups, of course, but she's not aware of it. She doesn't know that that instinct is something.
Our knowledge of it allows us to use it against one another, to gain material things. In the most simplistic terms LOVE has become another resource for us. A tool.
I see these cynical views when I watch the world, & @ times I fear my faith is poisoned by these truths. Yet when I get the chance to love someone I try... Faith? Stupidity? I hope for faith.
I still think of Marc, he woke something in me that I doubt can be put back to sleep, but he seems content to have let me pass out of his life...& certainly my feelings for Doug are not gone due to my feelings for Marc...
This leads me to believe that I still need to make myself more sure of what I feel...
I thought I returned here to make some $$, then return as if nothing had changed, but instead, I think I came back to complete myself somehow.
I've been thinking of returning to school, business or education is the undecided part.
While it's true that you can't go home again, I think that @ times you have to go back to figure out where you got lost. So here's to coming home.


Entry #28: 07/06/01...4:38AM

I'm sitting here torturing myself with love songs...
I think sometimes my greatest fear is that I'll wind up alone...Right now I'm giving into that fear & crying like a baby, burying myself in this disgusting heap of self-pity...
I have all these memories of listening to songs like these, convinced I was so in love...& all that any of them were was this delusion of happiness
I don't want to be alone & yet I ran from the bar to avoid being with someone just because...I want so much, but I don't know what to do about it...
I'm rocking back & forth, tears streaming down my cheeks, writing to avoid from screaming...Struggling to maintain some sort of dignity when all I want to do is run...
How do people survive this?? How do people keep their faith? I've always thought I was so strong, but I'm breaking apart here...I don't know how to cope with all this longing anymore. I used to be able to just shrug it off & wait, but now, here I am...falling apart...
I don't know which is worse...to have love fail, or to long for even that chance...
I'm going to bed now...perchance to dream...


Entry #29: 07/22/01...7:12PM

Hhhhmmmm...
Long time, no entry...Lots going on, yet nothing changed. That's becoming my new favorite saying...
Well, about 3 weeks ago I met this guy named, Craig. He's really nice, handsome, sweet, totally my type. He's moving to Chicago today. I've spent nearly every Sat. & Sun. w/ him, just talking.
There's a mutual interest which is cool. I told him we could talk about us when he was a little more settled in Chicago & that would give me time to figure out what I'm gonna do.
I've been thinking a lot about school & getting a degree in Education. High school English is where I think I wanna go. The idea of being here in Indy is horrid, but I still feel like I came back here to find my way back...
I've seen Doug a couple of times, but I still feel like that's just a space filler for him...Maybe it is for me too. I like him, but I think maybe space filler is just fine...I have no life direction, so trying to make a relationship work seems less like priority #1...hehe...
Still...I see an interesting potential in exploring something with Craig. A long distance thing might not be so bad while I'm trying to be an adult finally. He is a great guy & I could devote myself to growing up without having to worry about how my relationship is every moment. I feel saddened by its lack of romance in reasoning, but I've always found a way to romance...
To life & making choices without tears...


Entry #30: 07/23/01...8:47PM

In the past couple of days I've realized that I've spent so long chasing this dream of love that I never bothered to think about what life I had.
I've wanted to share my life, yet had no life to share. It's no wonder I always became a fixture in their lives & never had any fixed life to put them in.
How could I expect them to love me if I never had an identity? I mean, personality, yeah, I have that. I have presence, but I've never had much of a life outside of my search for love.
I think I was beginning to get the picture in Chicago because I was much more relaxed about things, but it took coming back here, seeing all of my attempts again, to cement it in my head.
Tomorrow I'm going to IUPUI to see about getting that life I never thought I needed.


Entry #31: 07/27/01...2:32PM

All enrolled @ IUPUI. I begin classes in August. I'll be majoring in English Education with a minor in Spanish. I want to teach @ the HS level. I think literature would be one of my ideal focuses, but any would be cool, I have a passion for the written word, this can't be denied...So how could I fail??
I got a nice leather bound notebook for my poetry. It looks really great in it. So good I've thought about getting it published...hehe...We'll see i I ever get that brave. Although it does make me braver knowing that two people have expressed a total faith in my writing ability recently...Thank you guys!!
Well...Always more to come...


June September