Ranting & Raving... A Buddy or a Boyfriend?

Entry #3:

I recently made a decision to have a, to call a spade a spade, fuck-buddy.
In the past I have not had much luck in that, as the person would soon turn into a boyfriend. This is understandable, as the differences are hard to discern at times. When dealing with a one-night stand it is clear that that is what it is, even if more was wanted, it becomes clear after no more contact. However, with an FB, you see them consistently, you make a sexual connection, & then they vanish until next time. You can even grow attached to them, & miss them, though strictly in a carnal sense.
In my head, this becomes foggy. I'm not sure if this is due to my wanting something more meaningful, or just because it's dubious in my thoughts for some reason. This is why I've never really had one until now.
For some reason though, with this guy, I am comfortable with that concept.
I met him one night at OPs. He was there with a friend of mine. I didn't think much of him at first. I noticed him, of course, because of his height & dark hair, my turn-ons, but then dismissed him. Later though, we began talking & he wound up asking me to go home with him.
First, I said no. I was dating someone at the time, & I have a fairly strong sense of obligation. I did have every intention on ending things with that guy as soon as I saw him again, but I figured my obligation was still technically intact.
He pressed it somewhat, & I was tempted, but still declined. I was surprised by what tempted me about him. It was his candor.
I had always wondered how I would respond if someone were to be totally honest with me about their intentions. I was mixed in my thoughts on it. I, on one hand, thought that someone asking, "Do you wanna go home & fuck?" would be too crass to find appealing. I also thought though, that to be asked in such an honest, if crass, way would be refreshing & intriguing.
That is what he did. First, he tried assuring me that going home with him would make it easier to end things without trauma. I, in being with him, would effectively dismiss my feelings of loyalty, & could feel more able to pursue other people, as well as feeling obligated, now, to end things. This line of thought intrigued me. Still I declined. Then he gave up for a minute, & gave me his phone number, telling me to call him when I had dumped the guy. Then I could, in his words, 'cleanse my pallet'. Again, I was struck by his candor & impressed. He seemed to possess no delusions about what he wanted. I was somewhat envious, as well as impressed.
In the gay societal structure I find that there is a lot of self-delusion running rampant. I get approached by guys, & approach guys, with the desire to simply have sex. In my mind though, I feel that that is too selfish to be a motivation, so out of an imagined obligation I try to make more out of it. In the end, it would have been better to just accept that that one night is all there could be.
I have always thought that there was nothing wrong with one-night stands. When both parties know what is happening, accept it, are honest with one another about it, then does it really hurt anyone? I see no problem with that.
His candor in saying virtually my thoughts to me was great. I was very impressed with him, & in the end it won him his one night.
We both had a very good time. & he & I both wanted to have another great time. He asked me if I wanted to be his FB, & I agreed.
Now, my thoughts on FBs are different from my thoughts on one-night stands. I was of mixed thoughts, as I am in lots of things, you may notice. I like to think of it as open-minded. The concept of FBs seemed a bit selfish, like having your cake & eating it too. You get all the fun of a BF without the obligations. At the same time though, if both people are being honest with one another, how can it hurt anyone?
I usually choose to have a BF, but, right now, when I am still not ready to travel down that road again that is not a choice. Now I have someone that I know won't be hurt by me, barring any unforeseen desires for something more. Why should I say no?? Why deny myself some joy simply because society says that sex should be more meaningful?? How does society get to choose what is right for me?
I say let sex be meaningless if no one's getting hurt...

May 8, 2002