Ranting & Raving... In the Search for Me & Love

Entry #2:

This rant contains parts of what was originally a long paper, going through all of my nine years in the game of love. It basically pointed out that as a person who has experieneced love in lots of forms, I have no idea what the hows & whys are of it.
Once I shared the completed writing with someone very special. I wanted him to understand me more, & it helped him to do that. In putting it on the net I feel it would take something special away from him, so I'll just ramble on about love in a more general way, & thereby ensure that he always has something special.

April 23, 2002 9:49PM

I have believed for quite some time that the meaning of life is mainly just to learn how to love, & be loved. This seems like a hard enough accomplishment, so why people search for another I doubt I'll ever understand. Especially when the reward seems good enough to me that anyone would want to achieve it. The logic of the human mind & heart has been pondered by far greater minds than my own though, so I'll leave that to them. I'll just concern myself solely with the whys & wherefores of my own heart & mind.
I recently watched a movie called The Broken Hearts Club again. It's a very touching movie about the lives of a group of gay friends, & for once, actually portrays us in a very realistic way. The main character, Dennis, is 28, & he's going through a change in his life. In a particularly poignant scene he states, 'I'm 28 years old, & the only thing I'm good at is being gay. & I'm okay with it. I didn't get to be gay for 25 years. I figured I got some catching up to do. But I need to move on. I need to make my life into something else. That's the only way I'll have something to give back to someone.'
This sums up how I feel now. I want to find something more worthwhile than the pursuit of sexual satisfaction. I also want to know that there is more to my life than just being gay. In fact, I want to make that an incidental fact. I feel, actually, that it is an incidental fact, but I've just failed to find anything beyond it yet.
I've always wanted to be part of a marriage, always had this romantic vein right through the center of me. It's ruled my thinking & actions for as long as I can recall. I don't want it to be that way any longer. I want to know that I have learned from my past, & come to find that the pursuit of love is not a waste, but that there must be room for the pursuit of more as well.
As they say, 'One who does not learn from his past is doomed to repeat it.' Though I doubt that my own logic is at a level far beyond most, I do wish to explore it further. Love is a many splendored thing, right? I also believe in Sir Lord Alfred Tennyson's words, 'Tis better to have loved & lost than never to have loved at all'.
I know so many people that are just like me. They chase & chase after love like it's something that can be caught. I know how that chase ends, & it sucks. I think I've found THE ONE, & instead, all I've found is another respite from my loneliness.
The next time the chance comes up I want to believe that it's not going to be like that this time. I want to believe that so much that I convince myself of that. That delusion eventually fades, & I see the truth. By then I've hurt someone. It's hard to think that having hope in something so much can cause even more damage.
I watch these kids in the chatroom, going on & on about how they're waiting for love. I just want to scream at all of them, "You stupid little shits!! What the hell makes you think it just comes along like that?? How can you be so stupid to believe that you can throw little chances at happiness away??"
That's all we have you know...those little chances...
Sure...People get lucky, they find love. That's great. I don't mean to say that I think they should ignore that possibility. I just don't understand how someone can deny the opportunity to experience a little joy because they want the whole pie. Especially when the truth is...Sometimes you don't get the whole pie. Look at all the people that never find someone. They grow old all alone, wondering why they never got the chance to be happy.
So, they, in effect do the same thing...
They want love, so they convince themselves that they can't settle for less. The problem comes when they meet someone. Instead of looking at that person as a friend they see this opportunity for love. Great, be romantic. Don't be stupid. There is a difference.
That relationship blows up because the truth cannot be hidden forever. Even psychotics eventually see the cracks...
I'm wandering around here, not making much sense I fear...
All I want to say is...Get to know someone, make him or her a friend as you make them more. Then when you say, "I love you," you can know it's true. & when it still blows up because they weren't THE ONE, you know that you meant it. Afterward that person can still be your friend. Only the players have made that a cliché.
I think one of the saddest things I've seen in the gay community is that failing. I see someone date someone, & it doesn't work out. Then suddenly, it's as if they never met. That person is suddenly someone they don't want to know. It's like emotional hit & run. Oh, I trusted you, & I was wrong...Run away, then no one will know. What is that shit?
That person was special for some reason, right? There was something about them that made you see a worth in them, some special quality. That just doesn't go away. How you appreciate that quality may change, but why pretend like they aren't worthy of you now? What do you gain?
In the end, I say...
Always fall in love...& whenever you can. Just be honest with your heart, & with everyone else's that comes into your hands. There's nothing better than loving someone...but you don't have to love everyone you're with...
How can someone be truly special if you say that to everyone?