Subject: The Lineage of Jack Schitt

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are
at a loss for a response when someone says: "You don't
know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle
the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt,
the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son,
Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and
the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie
Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the
twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married
Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. However, after
being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because
her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her
previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they
produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.
Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,
were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently
married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The
wedding announcement in the paper announced the Schitt-
Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg,
Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left
home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy
with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says: "You don't know Jack Schitt,"
you can correct him or her!

Family History Recorded by Crock O'Schitt

Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The
first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a
long time and there is something I must get off my chest.
I am a Kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never
stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for
too long."

The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true
confessions here, I must get something off my chest too.
I am a Nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on
your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we
have been friends for too long."

"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess
something. I am a Lesbian. But do not worry, I will not
hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends
too long for me to ruin our friendship."

The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession
to make also. I am an uncontrolable gossip, and I have
some phone calls to make!"

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

...one old love she can imagine
going back to... and one who reminds
her how far she has come...
...enough money within her
control to move out and rent a place
of her own even if she never wants
to and needs to...
...something perfect to wear if
the employer or date of her dreams
wants to see her in an hour...
...a youth she's content to
leave behind...
...a past juicy enough that
she's looking forward to retelling it
in her old age...
...the realization that she is
actually going to have an old age
and some money set aside to fund it...
...a set of screwdrivers, a
cordless drill, and a black lace
bra...
...one friend who always makes
her laugh... and one who lets her
cry...
...a good piece of furniture
not previously owned by anyone else
in her family...
...eight matching plates, wine
glasses with stems, and a recipe
for a meal that will make her
guests feel honoured...
...a resume that is not even
slightest bit padded...
...a feeling of control over
her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
...how to fall in love without
losing herself...
...how to quit a job, break up
with a lover, and confront a friend
without ruining the friendship...
...when to try harder... and
when to walk away...
...how to have a good time at a
party she'd never choose to attend...
...how to ask for what she
wants in a way that makes it most
likely she'll get it...
...that she can't change the
length of her calves, the width of
her hips, or the nature of her
parents...
...that her childhood may not
have been perfect... but its
over...
...what she would and wouldn't
do for love or more...
...how to live alone... even if
she doesn't like it...
...whom she can trust, whom she
can't, and why she shouldn't take
it personally...
...where to go... be it to her
best friend's kitchen table... or a
charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...
...what she can and can't
accomplish in a day... a month... and
a year...

Anti-man jokes....

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the
world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.

What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming
a human being.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
caring and good-looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband
is every night?
A widow.

When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.

What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in
the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to
bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to
the fridge.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.

What did God say after creating Eve?
Practice makes perfect.

How are men and parking spots alike?
Good ones are always taken.
Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars
have in common?
They're married.