Me and my partner Kas. He is a wonderful man!
Me and my kids. They are terrific!
My Story...
I had my first experience with another guy at age 16. I dated girls to keep up appearances but always kept my eyes open for those opportunities to find other guys like me for anonymous relationships. As I entered my 20’s, I started going to the gay bars in San Jose and Santa Cruz. I hung out mostly in the Santa Cruz bars and worked in San Jose. Eventually, I was out of the closet in Santa Cruz and in the closet in San Jose. As time went on I got bolder and would have guys I was dating hang out with me in San Jose, meet me for lunch dates at my work, visit my family with me… I was getting my feet wet on coming out to my family and straight friends. But at the same time, my Dad was giving me more pressure to get married and have a son. Who was I to ruin 150 years of family history?
So… I pretended I was straight, met a girl, got married and had a son named Frank (Brandon), now age 22. I have two other children from that marriage too, a son 18 and a daughter 15. They are Gods best gift to me! I stayed in that marriage and did the whole straight thing for 10 years… a terrible thing to do to a person (my wife). From outward appearances, we had a very nice family and life. Inside, I was being torn apart. My wife was a wonderful person and a great mother. But I was a gay man. It was killing me. After 10 years, I told my wife I was gay in April 1996. We sat down with the kids together and told them I was gay and that we would no longer live together. We divorced and I moved to Sacramento. I have the kids with me at my house every weekend plus 4 weeks during the summer. The kids and I have a wonderful, close relationship; I am a good dad!
Of course this all hurt my former wife very much by lying to her (pretending I was straight) and so far she has not forgiven me and is barely able to be civil to me. I hope that someday she will at least be able to look at me without hatred in her eyes. She is now re-married to a nice guy and I hope she can have the life I could not give her. (update: They separated & divorced February 2004) I will never be able to erase the past, but I have learned from it and will do my best to make the future better for myself, my kids, my partner Kas and for her.
During the first couple years after moving to Sacramento I dated a few guys. I got back into a relationship with a guy I had been with for two years before getting married. He moved in with me for a few months which was a big mistake and then he moved out. I am now in a very loving and committed relationship with a wonderful guy named Kas. The kids like him a lot. I met him at a gay and lesbian bookstore called The Open Book. He walked up behind me, pulled my ponytail and said, “Get a haircut!” When I turned around, there he was a very handsome guy with hair down to his belt buckle! It was funny! In November 1998 we registered at Sacramento City hall as Domestic Partners, a very important step for us both. In May 1999 we had a Commitment Ceremony, a lifelong commitment. In January of 2000 we were the 72nd gay couple in the State of California to register with The Secretary of State as Domestic Partners. And on June 25, 2008 we were married in a civil ceremony at the Sacramento County Recorders Office.
Let me tell you, I wasted a lot of my life pretending to be someone I was not, and in the process, I hurt a lot of people. And now I am very proud of who I am… I am a good person, pleasant to be around (I hope!), honest with everyone, I work, pay taxes and honor God… and I am a gay man. I am now 49 years old. I am a real estate broker and I love my work, especially helping people to buy their first home. My friends are a mix of gay and straight people. I have only four close friends and a lot of acquaintances. I like people who are not phony, not flashy, relaxed, honest, caring. I live and work in the Midtown Neighborhood of Sacramento, which is primarily the gay community here with many gay-owned or gay-friendly businesses and a high percentage of gay and lesbian residents. For fun, I like camping a lot. I like to swim, play on the beach, Frisbee, Rollerblade. Kas and I also play a dice game called 5000 once each month with a group of 12 or so people. It’s a lot of fun and another chance to socialize.
Things were really hard for those who came out in generations before me. Things were still hard for my generation but easier, and young people now are paving the way for a day to come in the future when people will accept our type of love for one another as a usual part of human behavior! Know that your value as a person is not relying on what other people's opinion of you is. To be sure, there will be some hard situations and some wonderful ones too.
Kas took this of me 5/1/99 at Lake Berryessa
This is a poem I wrote when I decided it was time to let the world meet the real me!
Thirty-six years, a wave hits the beach.
A long time ago I became what I am,
Oceans apart, never in reach.
Thirty-six years, a seagull is flying.
Today’s another day the man stands alone,
Completely alive, but somehow dying.
Thirty-six years, the sands always change.
Maybe tomorrow my life will be full,
Free to be me, it is within range.
June 1995
