|
I do not like labels, and have made no serious attempt to define myself according to the "standard" list of transgendered tags, but I suppose the closest would be "Pre-op transsexual". I know that I should probably be living full time as a woman to use that description, but I know that I am female inside, and that I will have SRS some day, so Pre-op TS it is.
My main purpose in publishing these pages is to enter into correspondence with similar people to myself, to inform others, and to receive helpful suggestions, so I'd better give you "some" description of myself. Workplace Perception In all outward and obvious respects I present myself as male. I have an extremely successful career which has been built upon my image and behaviour, and I am not yet ready to put that at risk. I need a good income to save for my transition and surgery. Family Perception At present, my wife and children only know me as a male. I have broached alternatives with my wife, and received a great deal of hostility, so I have dropped the subject for now. Unfortunately, this forces me to remain totally in the closet as far as home is concerned. As I am planning to be castrated and to take prescription hormones some time in the fall or early winter of 1999, I know that I must force this subject into the open, regardless of the pain it may cause. Fortunately, both of my kids will be away at college, so I will be telling my wife first, alone. Personal Perception For very many years (possibly all of my life), I have been living a lie. Although I have been very successful as a male, I have always felt that I was acting a role. I firmly believe that any success has come through my use of "softer" behaviour than is exhibited by most males. I have always behaved more as a mother than a father, both at home and at work. Dressing From my earliest years I have worn female clothing whenever I felt the need to present my preferred image. Such experiences have always brought me peace and tranquility. On a few, rare occasions I have experienced a sexual thrill from wearing lingerie and a dress, but usually I just feel a deep happiness and contentment. I can also feel extremely feminine while wearing jeans and a sweater, so dressing is not the sole answer to my yearnings. I now wear a bra quite frequently, to give me some support and shaping, and it feels perfectly natural and normal to be wearing such an essentially female article of clothing. Early Outings I have been "out" a number times over the years. My first time, at age 14, was when I was recognized by a teenaged girl neighbour near my home, wearing a dress and coat, stockings and open-toed heels. She didn't see the bra, girdle and full slip! She said "hello" in a friendly way, and I responded similarly. Fortunately (or unfortunately!), she never said anything to anyone. The next year, one of my buddies arrived unexpectedly at my house and found me in full evening make-up. He kept it to himself too. I sometimes wonder how my life would have changed if those two experiences had "outed" me. Self Acceptance Since I started exploring the Internet, I have learned so much. Firstly, I am one of thousands and not the "freak" that I thought I might be. Secondly, I found so many helpful sites that described my feelings, and identified possible responses. It is so wonderful to know that while my feelings are not entirely "normal", they are at least a recognized medical condition with a name - GID. Where Am I Going? While I am confident that my future is as a transsexual woman, I am moving very slowly toward that destiny. While I expect to reach fulfilment of my dreams some day, I am still afraid of the probability/possibility of rejection by those I love and of the hurt and betrayal that I am sure they would experience. I could take the approach that says "I have but one life to live", but I contributed to bringing my children into the world and believe that they still need me as their father. I do not want to jeopardize their love and trust, nor to deny them of their father - YET. Feminization I have been taking various herbs since April 1998 and have experienced some very definite physical changes as a result. I have provided more information about my continued use of Black Cohosh, Vitex, Dong Quai and Saw Palmetto on my Hormones Page. I am currently contemplating castration to eliminate my testosterone production, to say nothing of making it easier to "tuck"! This will greatly increase the effect of the female hormones. I am still fact finding on this subject. It is also my intention to start prescription hormones at that time. I have been in contact with Dr. Felix Spektor who is prepared to perform the procedure and to prescribe the hormones. I would very much appreciate any information that anyone has concerning castration and its effect upon hormone usage and results. Please E-mail me with information, or leave a post in my Guestbook. As of October 1999, I have decided to order and take hormones. I will be starting within the next few weeks. Sexuality As a male, I have loved one woman and fathered two children. I have not, however, had intercourse with any female for many years. My first recent experience was with a shemale in early 1998, and it felt more like what I imagine a lesbian experience would be, than anything else - although male equipment was present, both sets were given a quick inspection and then remained unused for the remainder of the encounter. For many years I have dreamed of loving and being loved, as a woman, by a strong, dashing man. I have never thought of myself as gay, not that I would have a problem with that label, and I have this overwhelming conviction that it would be only fitting and proper to be paired with a man, but as his female partner. There is some more information on my Diary Page. Although I have taken some of the Gender tests before, I have decided to retake them, and to record my scores for future comparison. My scores on July 21, 1999 are:
|
Send your comments to Chantal Lamont
All images are copyright © Chantal Lamont, 1999. All Rights Reserved.
Any unauthorised copying or distribution of images from this site is strictly prohibited.