In the Coffee Shop
(What his Java selection is really telling you)

TEA/STEAMED MILK

He's heading home to watch a NFB video:How to Live on Tree Sap and Bark, then deposit his un-amorous self in a duvet cocoon. Tomorrow Ranger Rick will hike through damp forests, wearing his finest granola-wear and bond with fellow tree-huggers who can't carry on a conversation without using the words mite, rations, or cider. Look elsewhere. That or risk yawning to death.

MOCHA-ALMOND-CINAMMON-APPLE-TWIST CAFE AU LAIT

Chip will slip off his penny loafers, play a Whitney Houston record and serve pate on impossibly thin crackers while Torvill & Dean silently spin their sequined selves into an icy tryst on TV. Oh damn, his Yorkshire terrier just got snagged on his new Tommy sweater - make an escape. Run out screaming that Judy garland was a munchkin-loving lush and leave a two foot dildo sticking out of his mailbox.

COLUMBIAN WITH CREAM & SUGAR

He's randy, but there are issues with his family. He wants to be bad; he thinks about daddy's sweaty boots all the time. He's also got more baggage than an RSVP cruise. Spankable, but save the B&D for a second date.

LATTE

Has a car but rides a bicycle around town because it looks more literary. Buys more books than the local library to heighten his aura of intelligence - used ones, so acquaintances think he's read them. It's even better when the meaningful passages from Kerouac and Melville are already highlighted - it gives him more time to pick out a tweed jacket with elbow patches and gray the hair on his temples.

DECAF CAPPUCCINO WITH A SINGLE SHOT OF ESPRESSO

Why bother!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COLUMBIAN BLACK

This boy means business. Pick up the tab and catch a cab, it's showtime at the K.Y. Corral.

ESPRESSO

Intense, bordering on psychotic. Make sure you have a witness, and double check the glove compartment in his Sabb. If you spot CDs from Kansas, Night Ranger, Asia, and any Styx member, past or present, get out on the nexr red. If you find clothes pins, Martha Stewart magazines, or vegtables beginning with the letter C, tumble out of the passenger seat, but make sure to send him a thank-you card, a small plastic bag, and a mint three days later. His dinner parties are not to be missed.