FUNdamental Farce
The Church of Lettuce Prey
established 9/1/99 C.E.
According to The Church of Lettuce Prey, Alcoholism is a
requirement for sainthood (recovery is permissible).
Homosexuality is a behavior reserved for those of high
spiritual status. All priests are Queer. Adulterers are
put to death according to the law (legally recognized,
heterosexual relationships only!). Oh, and neither the
saviour nor the anti-christ has arrived yet, laying to rest
that nasty rumor about Pat Robertson.
Below are Biblical Scriptures that will help support this new religion.
ALCOHOLISM
Numbers 15-10
And thou shalt bring for a drink offering half an hin of
wine, [for] an offering made by fire, of a sweet savour
unto the LORD.
ALCOHOLISM
Ecclesiastes 9-7
Go thy way, eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with
a merry heart; for God now accepteth thy works.
ALCOHOLISM
Song of Solomon 5-1
I am come into my garden, my sister, [my] spouse- I have
gathered my myrrh with my spice; I have eaten my honeycomb
with my honey; I have drunk my wine with my milk- eat, O
friends; drink, yea, drink abundantly, O beloved.
ALCOHOLISM
John 4-46
So Jesus came again into Cana of Galilee, where he made the
water wine. And there was a certain nobleman, whose son was
sick at Capernaum.
JUSTIFIABLE MURDER DUE TO ADULTERY
Leviticus [EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE!] 20-10
And the man that committeth adultery with [another] man's
wife, [even he] that committeth adultery with his
neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall
surely be put to death.-
HOMOSEXUALITY
John 13-23
Now there was leaning on Jesus' bosom one of his disciples,
whom Jesus loved.
MESSIAH not arrived
The Messiah has not yet arrived.
ANTI-CHRIST not among us
The Dark One is not yet among us.
Now you are ready to take your new found faith to the
awaiting sheep.
You may find that people may take offense to your beliefs,
so here are a few scriptures that you can quote to support
your faith, and criticize their lack of understanding.
Mark 16:15
'They may look and look but not see, and listen and listen
but not understand, lest perchance they should return and
be pardoned.'
Luke 2:50
But they did not understand the significance of these
words.
Acts 7:25
He supposed his brethren to be aware that by him God was
sending them deliverance; this, however, they did not
understand.
(PARTIAL) List of Sinners -
Let Us Prey...
"Sex education classes in our public schools are promoting
incest." - Jimmy Swaggart
"I started out by believing God for a newer car than the
one I was driving. I started out believing God for a nicer
apartment than I had. Then I moved up." - Jim Bakker
"I cannot think of anything he did under this
administration that the previous presidents did not have
the privilege to do." -
The Reverend Lacy Curry, of the National Baptist Convention
USA, defending The Reverend Henry Lyons who, as President
of the National Baptist Convention USA, is accused of
swindling more that 4 million dollars from companies hoping
to sell cemetery products, life insurance policies, and
credit cards to his flock. The Reverend Lyons, along with
his mistress, has been charged with racketeering.
( Seattle Times; 11 February, 1999; page A8)
"Everybody talks about what Hitler did to you. What did you do to Hitler?...What made that man so mad at you?" -
Louis Farrakhan on the Holocaust (March 29, 1994:
Friendship Baptist Church, Brooklyn, New York)
"NEWTERING FAMILY VALUES" - Even as he was in the midst of a five year affair with a Capitol Hill aide, Callista Bisek, Newt Gingrich dedicated his 1998 book, "Lessons Learned the Hard Way" to his wife, Marianne, and praised her as "the woman I love - my best friend and closest advisor." Ouch. - per Maureen Dowd —"Contract with Hypocrisy"—New York Times, January 5,2000
"You say you're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians
and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that,
and the other thing. Nonsense. I don't have to be nice to
the spirit of the Antichrist. I can love the people who
hold false opinions but I don't have to be nice to them."
-- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club, January 14, 1991
Pat is a charismatic, Pentecostal Christian (meaning he
speaks in tongues and stuff like that), and only believes
that you are a Christian if you are "born-again." This
means that all Catholics and most Protestant denominations
are out-in fact, not only are they not Christian, they're
downright evil.
Ask Rev. Retentive!
Frequently
Encountered Criticisms in Evolution vs. Creationism
~~• Dancing Jesus •~~
Which Religion is Right for my Complexion?
The Televangelists' Hall Oƒ Shame
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Questions, comments...E-mail me:
phillyphag@yahoo.com
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