Food !
Barring Anorexics , it's everybody's favorite !
There are two sorts of folk in this crazy world ;
Feeders and Eaters ,
God bless them both !
To find out what kind of Fooder I might be ,
listen for my common subtle quotes....
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Hey , did I mention yet that I like to eat ?
I always believed what the research has shown ;
Hey ! Did I mention that I love Food !
Americans are the fattest slobs you can imagine .
Am I alone knowing that eating is an
I'm sorry Oprah ,
I love me a good grain !
By the way , what the hell is all the pretentous hype
Uh oh , I'm getting that irritated feeling ....
My favorite food ?
The food that fits in my mouth !
When I'm out slaughtering the local
all-you-can-eat buffets with my 300 lbs. pals ,
they are soon kicked back , chewin' on toothpicks ,
suckin crap outta their teeth , rattling their car keys ,
while I'm only on my 14th appetizer !
Aww man , it's no fair , you Guys !
Don't make me go out and eat alone !
i'm not an official food critic , but you may
click here to hear a brief summary of my
most recent dining experience
THE FOLLOWING IS A PERSONAL REQUEST
TO MY FAMILY AND ALL MY CLOSE BUDDIES
Please refrain from calling me up and telling me
what you ate , what you are about to eat ,
and/or what you would like to eat !
Especially when you know I'm here at the Palace
either chewin' on a sammich only smeared with
"I Rekon This Ain't No Damn Butter , Y'hear ?™ ",
or gnawin' on some condiment salad !
C'mon , I've asked you politely many times before ,
and now I'm putting it officially in print ,
in front of the eyes of all World Wide Webbers :
DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT FOOD !
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE , DAMMIT !
PLEASE STOP IT HENCEFORTH !
Thank you for your support , guys and gals !
we have the need to nibble all day !
It sounds so good , huh ?
As my peers , I seem to get irritated off and on ,
and I've found that as soon as Daddy
gets a little snack , all is well indeed !
And in this awesome day and age
with all it's neural distractions ,
it's so easy to just forget to eat !
Wow , what a luxurious world we inhabit !
Forgetting to eat ! What a concept !
So , if you ever witness me being paternal ,
and suggesting that you should eat something ,
it just means that you are being a total bitch
and you need to calm yer whiney ass down !
And I will die happy knowing I shall never
be alone in my selfish coveting .
Food is the Bomb !
And I celebrate it in the most vittle idolizing
smorgasboard on Earth ;
America the Bountiful !
There are some foreigners who's whole families
weigh less than your Aunt Betty's ass .
Ask Ms. R. Simmons !
And America's favorite cuisine ?
Good old-fashioned home-style Salt and Grease !
excellent sexual substitute ? Yum !
Hey ! Is that why I have m gut ?
I'm a carbo addict , shame on me .
Girl , but thanks for gettin' you an your
blind followers to cut down on that crap ,
that just means there's more for me to eat !
Rice ! Bread ! And the friggin best , Pasta !
You could put a sodium molecule on a bed of noodles ,
and I would call it Easter Dinner ! I'm serious !
revolving around food and eatin' ?
There are TV Programs , Cable Channels , Magaines ,
even plain ol' Cooks becoming rich and Famous
because they fried some shit up in a pan ?
I don't understand !
I can see if one finds a cure for a disease ,
or creates something for all to use ,
but to get hoity-toity over food ?
What the hell is up with that ?
Doesn't anybody know what food really is ?
It's future feces , for Pete's sake !
Yeah , all those millions of prized recipes
are nothing but how-to scripts for takin'
a big shit eight hours later !
Why doesn't toilet paper share the glamour with
Haute Cuisine ? Huh ?
Why isn't there a "Feces Network" on cable ?
Wouldn't 'Mario Shits Italy' be a cool show ?
It's no coincidence that brown is the most
common color of food .
I ain't shittin' !
