I bought my first tie today.
Actualy, it was two.
some of the people looked at me funny,
you know, i was a *girl* - buying ties and collar shirts.
but what's wrong with that?
why am i crying now?
When i'm alone i wear the ties and collar shirts
like i'm in some kind of fantasy.
Only a few times have i worn them outside the saftey and shelter of my room.
I supose it was okay.
I mean, If i was a guy wearing a dress, it would be different.
But i felt like i was exposing myself for all the world to see, too.
"Here I am world!" The tie on my neck shouted each time.
"Guess what?! This is who i am, and I can be this way if i want to!"
It felt strange, because I've always hidden who i was from the very begining.
It's funny.
Your family is supposed to be the people you're closest too,
yet, i find i can not show this face to them.
I can not wear my ties in front of them.
I would be too much, i think.
My hair, is the shortest in my house, and
if i wore a tie in front of them...I...
I guess they would know my secret
you see, I've told them that i'm not quite straight before...but...
they don't know about this part of me.
The way i want to dress...and be...They would not accept it.
I don't understand why I am this way.
It's not my fault.
Why must i wear this tie?
 
 
 

AOI USAGI (PIANO VERSION)

Somehow I seem to love you
as I feel you, kiss me
and the world spins around us, in the loft,
as I feel inner beauty,

But my touch, it was in vain,
you left me here in pain,
you drown me slowly.

And when you made me think you loved me
you touched my forbidden part,
inside my heart.

But you did make me see
just where promises can lead,
to the silence and loneliness
inside my heart.

never to believe,
all the things that i will feel,
Letting them disappear

Want to hear and sing allong to this song? Click here to d-load the midi file

ONE IN TEN

I love you,
Mom and Dad,
You raised me
to be honest
You raised me
to trust you
But even after all this time,
How could i tell you,
That I'm Different?
There's something I have to say,
but I can't tell you
How could you ever understand
that there's a part of me
that is not the same?
One in Ten, Mom and Dad
One in Ten.

MORE THAN YOUR HAND

I Felt your hand today
You wanted a massage
When I'm with you,
I feel this something
and I wonder,
Do you feel it too?
That Inner excitement
That says,
"I want more than your hand,
So much more,
I want your lips,
Your breasts, and skin
and sin."
I want so much,
just to be with you
to hold you
to be yours
and you to be mine
Say that you want me
Say that you need me,
becuase I need you.

Who am I?

There are different people
and other things,
that make me unsure.

Who Am I?
Am I worthwhile?

Who Am I?
Only I could know,
So Why can I understand myself?

I thought I was sure,
Now I'm not.

Tell me who I am, Please.

-----------------------------------Yes, I did find out who I was, keep going to find out!

There's something beutifull,
I'd never felt before
It's just when I think of you,
My emotions run the extra mile,
and evey part of me,
Yearn to become one with you

Although I'm alone,
my soul tries to reach for you
in a deparate, feverish haze.
But you're not there.

Oh, cruel world,
denying me the satisfaction
fate feining ignorance,
But i'm still waiting,
and you're not there

TRUTH

If I told you the truth,
what would you say?
If I said what I feel,
would you push me away?

If I said that I love you,
would you embrace me?
or would you deny my love,
and never turn to face me?

You belong to someone else,
This I do know,
You wouldn't like the words,
but i yearn to tell you so.

So I sigh,
and wait in pain,
but is my waiting
all in vain?

If Truth is what you want
I won't hold back what I feel,
But if you cannot take the truth,
All my love I will conceal.

If you knew who I was,
What would you say?
Does who I am bother you?
Would you want to run away?

Surely you know,
That I had no choice,
But if I am different,
Should I not have a voice?

You don’t know how it is,
To lie awake and cry at night,
To push away what you feel,
And with yourself, to fight.

While others look at others,
I look at the same,
While others find joy in others,
All I find is pain.

So if you imagine what I go through,
Perhaps you would not fear,
And refrain from calling me harsh names,
Like "fag" or "dyke" or "queer"

Mom and Dad you have shown,
How much that you love me,
I am grateful that you have,
But there’s a yearning that taunts me,

I know that you love me,
And although you care,
There’s something inside of me
That searches for a different love to share,

When I wake up in the morning,
Once again I’m all alone,
So I waste all of my time,
Talking to much on the phone,

And when I go to sleep at night,
I hold a pillow close and tight,
But a pillow cannot replace,
Another body or another face,

There’s just so much that I need,
That you could never give,
And although you want to see me happy,
I need another type of love to live.

You would say to me
"I know you want a man"
And that just goes to show,
How much you don’t understand

I need to love another woman,
And to you that is not sound,
But I cannot deny my heart,
Or it will protest and pound.

You would tell me to conceal,
But I cannot control,
When I feel or dream
About another woman’s soul

This is a piece of me,
that makes up part of my soul
and If your aim is to change me,
you will never reach your goal

Do you remember what we had?
Do you even remember me?
Well I remember how it was,
and how it was not ment to be

As I beared to you my nakedness,
I beared to you my heart,
You can't take one without the other,
but that was your intent from the start

You're the one who started it,
you asked to see me nude,
I assumed you wanted my love,
I didn't think you'd be so rude,

So I stood in the closet,
My cloths lay on the floor,
I fixed my hair and braced myself
as I opened up the door

From then on we flirted,
everytime we met,
I didn't think for one moment,
all you wanted was a pet,

So at last I came over to your place,
your mom was in the house
So we climed above the garage,
and you slid your hand up my blouse,

Soon my shirt was up,
and your pants were down,
I thought all this was harmless,
We were just fooling around,

You wanted me to lay down,
and since you I did trust,
I did just what you asked me,
but all you had was lust

You made your way between my legs,
and you drew very close,
but suddenly I remembered,
It was God I love the most

So I asked you to stop,
and to your credit, you obeyed,
And that proved to me, I thought,
You wanted more than getting laid.

I went home that night,
and called my cousin on the phone,
and I told her what we did,
when we were all alone

I found out hours later,
she told my parents what we'd done,
They aproached me later that day,
and ruined all the fun

So I called you the next day
and told the love I was feeling,
You sighed, and paused a moment,
and then you made your killing...

You said that you felt different
You only intended fun and games,
and never thought for one moment,
my heart that you would mame,

You ripped it out and threw it down
onto the dust-covered floor,
So I shoved it back into my chest,
and watched you walk out the door

In the end, you only hurt yourself,
by only wanting a screw,
because I don't think for one moment,
another could love a jack-ass like you.