Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
A dog is a man's best friend.
Who's smarter?
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started,
they emit noxious odors,
and half the time they don't work.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger
in between his neck and the noose.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat;
we clean-they dirty;
we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs
every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is
legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None.
( It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch. )
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE
-He just holds it up there and waits
for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
THREE
One to screw in the bulb,
and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
TWO.
If you slice them very thinly.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed
gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks
he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
What makes a man think about a candelight dinner?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What is the difference between a sofa
and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
SEX.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the difference between
Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft
before creating your masterpiece.
Why do female black widow spiders
kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds
they forget what happened.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why does it take 100 million sperm
to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why does the doctor
hit the baby's behind when it is born?
To knock the balls off the smart ones.
Why is it difficult to find men
who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space,
at least the woman will ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis
a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood,
he's already there.