How do you fit a fat woman into a small bikini?
You take out the F in fat and the F in weigh. Wait a minute, there
is no F-in-way.
Q: What's the difference between and epileptic cornhusker and a whore
with diarrhea?
A: The cornhusker has fits while he shucks.
Q: What do you call a woman who's allergic to latex?
A: Mommy.
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies,"Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What to you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am...that's your air freshener."
An Army ranger recruit goes into bar with a gloomy face and orders a triple scotch on the rocks.
"Hey you look really depressed," says the bartender.
"Well you know, I have been really gung-ho on being a ranger," replied the recruit. "I have done the march, learned the skills, and prepared for my first parachute jump. My first sargent is like Mr. T, but Mr. T had a better disposition. When we did our first jump out of that airplane I was the last one in line. When it came my turn, I looked out of the door and just couldn't do it. It was too far down and I froze. I told the first sargent I couldn't jump. He told me I was going to jump and tried to wrestle me out the door. Well I jammed myself in and just couldn't go. When I turned around to find out what the first sargent was doing, he was behind me with his pants down. He told me either I went out the door or he was coming in."
"You jumped?" the bartender asked.
"Just a little."
A baby harp seal walks into a bar.
What can I get you ?" asks the bartender.
"ANYTHING but a Canadian Club on the rocks!!"