Apr 27 98; 12:09pm

I get the feeling at the time I wrote this that I felt very much an outsider, and without hope. My transsexual feelings were stll present… but I felt that the situation was hopeless: if I am ts, then I’ll never make it… and if I’m not, then I’m “cursed” to feel so forever. Not cheery prospects. What is the solution? Perhaps to try and find out?

My friends and family... I’ve reached a conclusion today. I’ve decided to end my existence upon this plane. I don’t know where I’m headed. Being alive has always been a gift. I have had some good times in my life... but for some reason within the last few months I have begun to believe that I don’t deserve this wonderful gift. How can it be that someone as physically healthy as me came to this decision I do not know. I have asked God to strike me with some thing... an accident or disease in someone’s place, but my wishes were not granted... God does not want me to die now. Like any organism in the right environment, and given the right nutrition, I will continue to generate cells and ‘live’... until my immune system breaks down and I shall die of ‘natural causes’ at the right time.

I’ve tried to live my life to the fullest. But, I can’t seem to escape the darkness. I don’t want to embrace it... and ‘getting out of the boat’ or not being ‘controlled by the dog’ only go so far in the abstract. To anything I can apply the ‘so what’ rule... and I conclude that my life is meaningless... I’m not going to do anything significant. Sure, we touch the lives of others, and if by ending my life I hurt six others, and by them the rest of the world, then I cannot control that.

I don’t know where I began to live. I was born in Ft. Lauderdale... but hated being alive. I wanted to be a girl... not a boy. And when I found out such a thing was possible, that was my dream... to be the woman I wanted to be. Recently, as I had discovered before... such things are medically possible... but the honest truth is that I would always be a social outcast. Is it better to take that risk or live in question of it? I don’t know. Therapists only tell us what we want to hear... perhaps everyone does to a certain extent.

I lived with my folks and hated life... always longing for something better. Not being happy. Sure there were times of thrills and sadness... but on average I was sad. I don’t consider my life as my own till I went to college and started discovering who I was. I had started down a certain road... being a mechanical engineer. I continued that dream through good times and bad till I decided I wanted to be a teacher. I followed that path through college until last month, March of 1998.

Perhaps I am feeling self-pity here... but can I not be allowed to feel that? If this is what my life is to be.... dark with the occasional light flare... why live it? Why suffer for the occasional happy moment? Is it the desire to experience life that keeps us going?

There’s no way out... of living. There’s no form to sign... no request to start over again. And I’m afraid to pick up the phone because I am afraid I’ll miss a job offer. No one’s calling. There is a light of hope that things will get better. I feel like my life is on hold till the phone rings....

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