Apr 1 99

I’m feeling odd tonight… been an odd day, or at least I feel that way. I’m comfortable now… here… at home. I’m feeling sort of curious… why was I made this way? I want to look down at my hands and see delicate fingertips with dainty fingernails. Maybe the little girl wants to come out and play? Hmm. I feel like I’ve got a girl’s giddiness and a man’s troubles. What’s with me today? Maybe this is just ‘one of those days’ that you hear about every once in a while? Whew.

The coffee tastes great… both the beverage and the lipstick I’ve got on. I like the little pattern my lips leave on the coffee mug. I wish I did not feel surprised when folks come to visit and I see the lipstick stains on the cups… it would be nice if I felt like I did not have to make excuses and such. Hmm. I wonder what I am feeling tonight. It’s not dark depression… more like a feeling of uncomfortablness. Why? Maybe just a bad day… but this has been building up for a few days… perhaps I’m starting to feel the effects of not getting HRT in Tampa? Could that be what this is? Is it the fact that Easter is around the corner… and I’m not too hip with God right now? I don’t think that’s it… I love God. I don’t know why I was born the way I was… or why I have this challenge of dealing with my feelings… but I’m feeling disgusted right now. I bit un-happy… and.. my confidence is rocking… shaking… from school and work. Is that it?

Not wholly… I had a chance to get a hug from a woman friend I have, and I felt so good having her breasts against my body. It was a warm hug… but I can’t help but wonder what else was going on. As with all women I meet, I have a wee bit of breast envy… which is just a facet of gender envy. I guess I am feeling lonely and desiring some of that company, companionship, and even romance/sex from someone close. What would I like? What would make me happy, if I could have anything right now? Hmmm.

I would like some person to rub my shoulders. I would like someone to rub my feet. I would like someone to massage my body and make me orgasm… and then hold me. To hug me and hold me close to them… telling me that I am doing okay… I’m a good person. If given a choice, I’d rather be a woman all over… but even right now, I’d take anybody. There are some things that a person cannot do by themselves. No one can hug themselves… no one can love themselves. Likewise, we cannot love another by ourselves. It takes two.

Well… Dale Carnage says many things, but the thing that hits me now is to do something about my feelings… so I’m going to go rub my own feet, and just relax a bit. I may listen to some good music and try to put some distance between me and my feelings… maybe they will sort themselves out? We shall see.

Me again—later. Can’t seem to get to sleep… of course now that I’ve made it to the computer (after tossing in bed for a while) I’m feeling tired. Whew. Sometimes I get tired of all this… not necessarily life… I believe that life is a gift. But I wonder if I’m doing it right sometimes. I wonder how much of what I think I will experience one day ‘as a woman’ really does not matter… and, how much of it will not come to pass.

Apr 4 – Easter

It's been a weird weekend... hard to describe I suppose. I had another chance meeting with a real dreamy guy. Part of me wishes he was gay, part of me wishes he was strait. I feel real giddy and goofy... and then when I pass a mirror or something I feel really stupid... sort of pushing those feelings away. Since I'm doing the electrolysis I'm letting my hairs grow so they get actively zapped. Also, since I've stopped doing the IGIA they are really starting to come back. I sort of spent today osculating on whether or not I wanted to play dress-up, or be the woman that I feel I am... the woman won.

And, of course, going to JC Penny's yesterday was a real blast. I feel like I'm taking on a new role in my life with myself... I've become a parent of sorts. Next to me are what's left of my male self and my female self. I like to think of them as being a little boy and girl. As I strolled down the aisle the little girl was tugging on my hand pulling me towards the Easter bonnets... I had to pull her back and say no... not now. Then, the little boy wanted to go look at computer games... and I had to say no... not now. On my way out I saw the cutest skirt for me... my heart was racing... it felt great... the little girl was smiling... she wanted that skirt... and I was reaching into my pocket.... but no. No, I realized that the skirt was about 1.5 zap units... money that could be spent to pay for electrolysis. The little girl started to cry, and ended up pouting for the next few hours.

I had a similar experience when I was talking to Mister Wonderful... he's so cute. I think he is... so as he's talking to me... the adult me is listening and nodding my head. Meanwhile the little girl is looking at him with star-crossed eyes... hands clenched by her side as she's lost in his smile... ah. I'm feeling that warm feeling... ahah! Why God Why? Heh. I mentioned a few days ago that I ran into an old friend who gave me a hug. I think I'm in heat or something. Yikes!

I really have no idea where I'm headed right now in life... I started to think today that it really makes no difference what I do in my life right now in terms of transsexual stuff... if I were really careless... well, yes- there would be consequences. My longest relationship with a girl was 2 years... I've got 25 months till I graduate. In theory I could fall in love and break-up with a girl when I graduate... no, I'm not a smooth operator—I'm not saying I could play with someone's heart/affection. What I am saying is that so long as I don't get married, or get a STD... I don't have to spend the next two years being envious of people who have relationships.

Unfortunately, I know that I could not put the kids out to play while I get to be the romantic adult. Whoever I date will need to know who I am, and where I am headed. Of course, if I do find someone, and the relationship sours... well, I get to live with them making my life a living hell till I leave this town. I guess that's a risk. Of course I only have 4 more weeks here and then I go away for the summer... so all this is moot. But... well, you never know... oh well.

I guess what can be annoying at times recently for me is feeling so much 'in love' with a guy... and wanting also to be with a girl... it's like I want it all... hmm.

Apr 5 99

Coffee tastes great. Whether it’s in the morning, or in the evening… coffee is a part of my beverage plan. We’re out of mugs here… so I’m using an old bowl as a cup. Feels odd to take a half-gallon bowl and fill it with coffee… makes me realize how much I love the stuff. In an effort to loose some excess male fat I’ve been avoiding the Checkers near me as much as possible. For the past two nights I’ve been a good little girl… really. Of course I wonder how much other stuff I’ve eaten to take the place of that BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger. Tonight’s midnight banquet consisted of a bowl of coffee, some animal crackers, some carrot sticks, a peanut-butter sandwich, and some saltine crackers. I’m sure there was plenty of saturated fat in the peanut-butter.

Oh well. I’m still using up some of the supplies that I had gotten from my Grandmother’s place after she had died. Hard to believe that it’s been only six months… seems longer. Being away at college makes everything seem so distant… and loosing one’s relatives, when you have not seen them in 10 or so years… I don’t know… part of me never really got close to them… know what I mean. Hope I don’t sound callous. I guess we deal with loss in our own way.

A few of my classes got canceled today, so I had part of the day off. Ditto for tomorrow. Can you guess what I did? What I’m going to do? Crossdressing? Yes! It was kind of funny. I came home knowing that I had about 2 hours before work… but still I put on my favorite clothes… the long skirt, matching blouse… hose… ah. *sigh* So… as I’m sitting here finishing up some drafts (and admiring my fingernail polish), some sort of magneto-ray pulls me toward the clock… and I realize that I have about 11 minutes to get to work. Talk about visiting some old nightmares… way back to the childhood days of being in my step-mom’s closet, wearing her clothes, walking in her heels… playing with her lipstick… and all of a sudden hearing the mechanized garage door opener motor click on… yikes! Ever see a cougar chase a rabbit? I ran fast! Anyway… so I’m hustling down the hall… kicking off the skirt, rubbing make-up cleanser on my face, looking for my keys… washing my face, changing into male garb… and I’m in my car in 5 minutes.

Well… it was when I turned into the parking lot of where I work when I look in the rear-view mirror and can easily see the raccoon-eye type smudge from the eye-liner and mascara… oh it made for a comedic moment… oh well. I found a Checker’s napkin under my car seat and did what I could do to get rid of the eye-liner. I succeeded part way… I was over-conscious during the evening of people looking at me and wondering what was ‘wrong’… I made several trips to the bathroom to re-assure myself that there was no cosmetics there. But, of course, there was… just enough of a trace that I’m sure any cosmetic-familiar woman would wonder about the shape of my eyes. I suppose as a back-up I can admit that I am taking a theatrical stage-makeup course.

I’m feeling kind of out of things… suppose some fatigue settling in for the night. I feel somewhat happy to know that I can do whatever I want for the next 25 months… and partly sad because I cannot do HRT. Hmm.

Wed - Apr 7

I did another bit of electrolysis today. Amazing the results you get when you pay someone else. I mean I can look in the mirror and see… and I can remember the session. I’ve been keeping track of the number of times that I wanted to scream in pain… the woman I go too has yet to reach over 100. Today she broke her all-time-record of 54 with an astounding 82. Neat, eh?

I spent the night reading some of my old journal entries. Amazing, the paths we must take, eh? I really love the woman I see in the mirror… want to see more of her. Guess I better run before I pass out…

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