Apr 13

Been a long day… even though I was tired I decided to paint my fingernails… one of the girls at school had such pretty nails… figured no reason I could not set aside some time to do mine as well. I guess that's Dale Carnage's "do something rather than whine" philosophy… which works real well most of the time.

While working today I got invited to an ice-cream social of the local gay-lesbian-bisexual student union. Sometimes they stick a “T” at the end to say they support transgendered people as well. From what I’ve seen they are only gay men and women… and I suppose I fit in there somewhere. Right now I would not mind a hug and maybe a soft kiss… someone to say I’m doing okay. Of course I look in the mirror and I see a very nice looking woman… sort of a round, piggish face… but a woman just the same. One day maybe someone else will get to know me externally as well.

I was sitting in on www.gay.com last night, checking out the tg chat room there, and while I was having a neat conversation someone busted through with a four-line description of what they were wearing on their profile. Something about that bothered me… but I did not really have a chance to reflect upon it till today… it sort of came to me as I was washing my ever-growing hair in the shower. I wonder where a boundary may exist between primary/secondary transsexuals and other TG folk. For myself, I don’t want to be known because of my bust size… or for what I’m wearing. I want to be loved because of the person that I am. I like when I can share a joke with people, and laugh with them. I think I’d make a nice wife because I’m an independent person who likes to enjoy life… and the prostitution-type behavior… it just sort of disgusts me… hard to define or describe.

Sadly… at least in our society… that sort of thing sells. Most of the TV ads that I see seem to place women as sex objects. Even commercials such as for Taco Bell and Doritos… they sort of down-play women. And I guess I don’t like it. Maybe that is what we are up against… women being stuck as a stereotype… and for transsexuals, some of us don’t want that. Certainly in order “to pass” as women we can hide behind stereotypes and what is ‘expected’ of us… but what if we are individuals who seek to be ourselves… where do we fit in? Hmm? I don’t know… I’m still feeling this one out.

I guess I may of earned a gold star today… I was a good girl all day. I ate healthy food and even exercised. I have some school work to do, but after that I think I am going to go to bed. I really like feeling my breasts/bra through my shirt… sort of confirms my belief I should really have them. It’s nothing sexual or erotic…. Just sort of nice like a hug or a smile.

Me again… later. Two drafts done, one watercolor done. I’m very thankful that I get a chance to draw and paint… and one day I’ll get paid for that… blows my mind sometime… all those years spent being an engineer and hating life. Oh well… can’t go back, so why fret it, eh?

Just thought I would write a bit… I’m feeling a bit lonely.. and of course I’ve worked past my bedtime. Not that I know anyone to ask over/invite… but I just feel expressive. It’s a neat feeling to ‘have to’ put your hair back with something. My frontal strands are just getting long enough to cover my ears. I’m really hoping I don’t have to cut it. I guess it’s been growing for about 8 months now. Keep growing! Don’t fall out! An old therapist of mine once told me that hair grows faster in the summer… let’s see if I can get a few more inches out of it. And, one thing that growing allows me to see is all the gray hair I have acquired. I don’t mind them… to be honest I think gray hairs are a sign of wisdom… at least in the olden days. Perhaps even more so… as fools may try to hide their age, rather than embracing death.. hoo-hoo-ha! hmm.

Just thought I would share a bit more of how I’m feeling… of course now I’m ready for bed… no sexy underwear… heh. In fact all I own are cotton “just her size” panties… no lacy ribbons or such. Were it cold where I live, I would wear a night shirt or something. But as I am alone I just sleep in the buff. I had a girlfriend once who did the same… said that nightshirts hurt her breasts… heh. But I still feel very relaxed and such… as I painted I just had to take in the moment… laid out sidewise on my bed, painting. Me, the girl in the skirt… relaxing with some favorite music and doing some painting. Sounds nice.

One of the things I noticed as I cleaned out my watercolor brushes is just how I looked in the mirror. I’ve had a total of 4 months worth of electrolysis… enough to clear my face once… and I did the Igia sham for 2 years… and I still have plenty of hairs… but I know that as I do real electrolysis when I can afford it, my face will get clearer. But… even taking into the account the ‘five o’clock’ gray shade on my face… I think I looked good. I guess that really hits home with me tonight… because one of my concerns about ‘being a woman’ is how I’ll look.

So many of the internet sites out there have women who look really, really, really good… and I’ve always wondered how many of them are touch-ups… I mean with Adobe PhotoShop, or Corel Photo Paint… you can do some nice things. How hard would it be to take an image of a genetic woman, and cut-and-paste in a penis? And a slew of other things you could do. I suppose what I’d like to see (and I may only see this if I do it) is some sort of documentary about a transsexual woman over a long period of time. I think there is such a thing… something about “one year to womanhood”, or some such thing, which follows a pre-op through the SRS procedure.

But what I am thinking about is some company ‘sponsoring’ a TS provided the company can observe the change… hormone dosages… I would volunteer for it. Heck, the company could even put a web-cam in my apartment… and just compile some of the changes that happen. Wouldn’t that be neat? I think it would make a really kool internet site… they could even have interactive images where you could see how/what gets feminized they could take pictures and do some ‘time-lapse’ photography of breast development… hips/thighs… wouldn’t that be kool? I’d volunteer to do it. Just a thought.

But back to looking good. That’s a relative term, and really is a personal judgement call. The key, I believe is that the TS likes what they see. If they don’t, then perhaps it would be best to pursue another route. I really do like how I’m coming along… I don’t look like Uncle Fester from the Adams Family anymore… and even though I speak very deeply… well, I look sorta good. And I like who I am… who I am becoming.

Apr 17 99 - Early

It was nice to roll out of bed this morning, reach for the bra, shirt, and skirt I was wearing last night… and in the bathroom apply a dab of eye shadow and lipstick and waaa-la, here I am again. As I was waiting for the coffee to perk, I looked down at my feet, and realized (again) that clothes are not as important to me as my body… I guess that was always a dividing line between transsexuals and crossdressors. Yes, I’d like to look down and not see big, bulky, hairy arms. Ditto on the legs. I have not worked into any planned work-out/exercise routine yet. And… it is very, very nice to feel the bra with my breasts… small as they are… can only imagine what it is like to have more breast than a wadded up bra… I guess I’ll find out one day if all goes to plan.

A challenge that I have right now (which I think I’m dealing with superbly) is the issue of waiting/doing things. I don’t want to put my life on hold because I’m waiting to do HRT. Of course, what do I do? Having time off is a new concept to me… usually I’m so busy. Of course, since I work in Theater, I don’t have much of a chance to be a ‘manly man’… I tend to be me and everything’s fine. I’m sure people must think I’m a gay man or something.

My life sort of has been re-structured recently with the move. First and foremost, I need to get packed. I believe I have 11 days left here, and some of those days will be spent at the theatre, working on projects. My last final is at noon on Thursday, and for that I plan to have everything packed and ready to go. My plan will be to return from the exam, load up my car, and I’ll zip on down to my folks. So I need to get stuff put away.

My second goal is to do a good job on my assignments. For this weekend, however, this will take a backseat to cleaning and moving. I suppose a third goal is to cross-dress as much as possible… but I don’t know if I can agree with the terminology there. If I am indeed a primary transsexual, then I am in fact a woman, and wearing womens’ clothes would not be crossdressing. But-I think you know what I mean. And, as always, women’s clothes for me are practical… cotton panties… t-shirts. Perhaps one day I’ll splurge and buy some of the other? Heh.

Life is an interesting phenomena. I had a chance to watch Blade Runner last night… and Roy’s final speech really hit me hard. He said that his memories are like tears lost in the rain. I thought that was neat. I think web-pages are going to be the first time people’s thoughts/ideas/memories have been widely accessible to the public. Of course, at your local library are autobiographies and such… but I’m talking about the small stuff. But in terms of first-person human-to-human experience, when someone dies, their memory ‘lives on’ for a bit. All of life’s potential joys, terrors, fears, loves, hates… an entire pallet of emotion… exists as one person’s total experience… and then slowly fades into nothingness. Amazing.

I’ve often felt that rain is a cleansing agent. It is the world’s way of resting, cleaning, and getting ready for the next bunch of visitors. As I pack, and my apartment gets more bland and condensed… I am a bit sad. Even though I am going on for a better situation. *sigh* Well… guess I better take in the moment and start packing…

Me again… much later. Just got back from a theatre party, where I invited an old friend to tag along. After the party, I went with her to Denny’s, where we chatted and ate a late-night snack. I was very, very, very close to trying to strike up a kind of relationship beyond friendship… I could feel myself slipping into it again… I don’t want to make that mistake again.

Part of me is confused… don’t really know what to think… how to feel.

Sun, April 18

Another weekend draws to a close. All day today I kept on thinking back to the party last night… and how close I came to kissing that girl. I'm glad I didn't… the joy of a kiss would be short-lived. I guess I don't care for living the next 24-plus months of my life alone… at the same time I know I cannot be a 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' in the sense of the word. I'm okay with that right now… I choose to not slow down my life any.

For the most part I'm just going through the motions of school ending and moving on down south for the summer… working. Part of me feels doubtful that I will enjoy it. Part of me wants to be where I was an hour ago, relaxing on the floor… me in my favorite skirt… I even wore hose today… hmm.

You know… part of me is tempted to just say 'fuck it' and go ahead and go 'full-time' right now… I wonder how far I could get. blah. Depression on the horizon… all systems shutting down…

Apr 20

Spent tonight chasing after Ms. L, a lighting design student… whew. Don’t know what’s happening… when I see her at times I just want to give her a hug and kisses. I don’t know how/if she feels about me. I asked her to go see a play at the Hipp later this week and use up the last few ‘free passes’ I have on my season pass. Things are really coming together this semester… tomorrow is the final day, I suppose for new info from my classes… whew!

Apr 21

Imagine everything coming to a stop and you take a breath. That’s what I feel right now… sort of like I just ran a really long race and now I am panting. I’m doing okay in the external world… very good in fact. Today I got a scholarship award for my efforts in the theatre. It was nice to have people say ‘congrats’ on my way through my day. And, of course, there is a great sense of accomplishment in turning in assignments. I still have lots of work to do to complete my projects… but they are all do-able. Tomorrow I have my portfolio review, and I’m ready for it.

In the non-external world… I’m just reeling. Spent a good chunk of time tonight on my back looking at the ceiling… trying to get in touch with something… don’t know what it is.. perhaps it can best be labeled as my ‘lost femininity’, if such a thing exists. But as I sit here, I can even feel it… it is what I am reminded of when I feel my hair on my back… hard to explain. It is the desire to spend a day in a sun-dress, looking as female as possible… wanting to bridge a gap that I can’t explain well. It’s a feeling that is non-sexual in that it is not erotic, but very, very strong. I would like to peel away those clothes and appreciate the woman underneath… bring my body to a more female point. Of course, contradicting this is my beard stubble, and me sitting here in my boxers. Would I be more female sitting naked, or in panties? Or in a nightshirt? Hmm.

I mentioned before very briefly about my sex drive… it’s been real out of control this week. I asked lighting Ms. N about going to see a show in town. I don’t feel the same pull towards her as Ms. L. And I hope I’m not going down a wrong path… but I really am lonely… not to say I am looking for a relationship. I know the answer to that… don’t start… but whew… hard to do.

Even last night, at the dance show, I could feel myself in the role of ‘boyfriend’, and I hated it… I wanted to avoid it. But when I saw Ms. L all female-spiffy I wanted to be her so bad… and I wanted to kiss her so bad. It’s like I wanted to be her so much I would love her to get as close as I possibly could. Hmm. Wish it was more than that. As least I recognize it, huh?

I guess also too I am growing tired of the ride. It’s like I’m happy to know my feelings… or rather that I am not running away from them. But part of me does not want to wait 24 more months to find somebody. And how realistic is that? I’m going to need to find a job, and get established before I can do much. I can only do so much ‘one day’ thinking… know what I mean? Blah.

Anyway… even despite the beard stubble, my hair is still coming in nicely. Well… better move on I suppose.

Apr 22

I feel like I am a joke tonight… it’s so hot I had to take of my skirt… the only clean undies I have is some pink panties. If it gets any warmer I’m going to take off my shirt and bra. I feel very restless… there has been something building up over the last few days… don’t know what it is exactly. My crowning achievement is that I finally did a good job with the eyeliner.

Today at my portfolio review the design people asked why I was going for a BFA when I could go for the MFA. I’ll know more about it next week. The advantages are a ‘better’ degree and I can go to school for free. Disadvantage is that it would take me one year longer to get out… on the other hand it would open more doors and put me into a higher earning bracket. So even from a TS point of view… it may be better to do it. One year may save me five financially.

In terms of myself… I feel like a bad joke… and one whose life may be over. Not my hand this time… but a feeling… very ominous. I don’t feel happy… and I try to think of what would get me going again… right now I can’t think of much. Perhaps this is just a case of the blahs in extreme? I really just want to go lie down somewhere, and see if I live through the night. I’m not asking for death… but I feel as if I am going to die.

If I had a wish to spend, it would be to be a woman 100%… and I guess I’m feeling a little down that it’s not going to happen anytime soon. I know what my family does not see this as a necessity… but I just feel so fake. I want to bridge the gap between the person that I am right now, and the woman I want to be. I guess I’m also searching for some physical comfort… kisses, hugs. I am, however, very thankful for the congrats and good fortune I have received over the last few days in being a good student… but part of me feels like I’m perpetuating a falsehood… dreaming of a day when I can do more… more electrolysis, and of course hormones.

I wonder what I would do differently if I was born female… would I be sitting here typing all alone in the dark. I know I could get up, wash my face, and head on out… go somewhere… but there’s really nothing I want to do…. I’m even loosing whatever sex drive that was revved up for the lighting girls. Gone.

I guess in all this isolation, I just want someone. And yet, I realize I can’t have them because they won’t see me as I want to be seen… as a woman. And, I am saddled by the limitations I have right now… no electrolysis/hrt. I know things will change down the road… but I guess it is the ‘right now’ that I want to live in and deal with. And I feel so hopeless.

I don’t know where to turn, and more importantly what I would do had I known what to do/where to turn… if that makes sense. God, I know that you love me… but what am I to gain out of this experience and feelings? Hmm. Well… I’m quickly running out of options. Guess I’ll go lay down. Part of me just wants to shed all my outer garments and lay there… asking for deliverance from this. We shall see. My roommate is on his modem… I’d kinda like to send an email out. Bummer.

Me – later. Just sent out some email… how come people gotta be so distant sometimes… not that I’d know what to say to them. Wish I could be a woman tonight.

Apr 24

One day I may be able to figure out why in my current apartment my room is always the warmest… it’s like the a/c does no good no matter what I do. Of course, there may be some extra layers tonight since I am wearing a long skirt with hose. But… I mean really. I even have my hair up… and I’m warm. Of course, I doubt what I am doing as I look outside and see the ‘girls’ next door walking their dog and wearing shorts/t-shirts. I don’t get much of a chance to wear skirt w/hose much… so I’m doing as much as I can. Other than the hose I feel like I’m being realistic. Of course I’m in for the night… so no matter what I do… well, it does not matter much.

The sun is setting. Yesterday I went to the construction site across the road and watched the sun go down. I made a wish on the first star that I would be perceived as others externally as a woman within five years. I asked God if it were possible, for me to be made a woman too. I woke up this morning a man… but at least I tried. Today while at work I wrapped up my last hard project of the semester, so it’s down hill from here. I don’t know what will happen on Monday with my MFA review… but it’s possible they will want me to stay this summer. I don’t have enough info yet to make a decision, so I’m still going on my old plan of moving out this week. I even took down all the décor in my room… so it really is looking more and more like an empty space… it’s lost my flavor… it’s just a place where my stuff is currently. So I’m still mobile.

I really am feeling at a loss tonight… don’t know what to do/where to go. Part of me knows that if I start the MFA in the fall, then in a few days I’ll be living with my folks… I wonder if I’ll be able to spend a Saturday night in my skirt/hose? Heh. Also, there’s nothing for me right now… this is the time when I should be relaxing… but I think I’ve forgotten how to do that. I woke up this morning at 4am and could not sleep… I’m not used to having so much free time. What do people do? Watch TV? Read? Guess I could break out the sleeping roll and see if I drift off. I guess weekend nights is when you do stuff with your friends, or your loved ones. I sort of feel like I don’t have any. Not that I’d ask someone over right now and let them see me dressed the way I am… hmm. The real me? Whew.

Apr 26

Last night of me working in the computer lab… possibly forever. Who knows? Spent this morning doing the red-tape run-around so I can get into the MFA program. If I get in then next fall I wont be working with computers… I'll be doing theatre full time. It's been a strange last few days… mostly getting stuff put away and packed. I had some interesting moments where I just felt so 'female' I wondered if I would spontaneously grow breasts or something. Unique, no?

With the semester winding down, I will be moving out soon, which means packing up everything… I don't know how much of my 'stuff' will be hidden when I live with my folks. Not that it's anyone's' business, but I currently don't worry about leaving my cosmetics out and about my room… for example in the bathroom next to my deodorant and toothbrush is a bottle of fingernail polish and makeup remover cream. Sure that does not need to be on display… but I don't want to treat the stuff like uranium around my folks… hidden and secure. I've also gotten accustomed to wearing a bra and at least some light cosmetics (like I would were I more female than born with) in my non-work times… is it fair to do that around my folks? Hmm? What's the vote from the peanut gallery? Guess I'll find out what I feel comfortable with? Hmm.

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