Aug 14, 1997

There is a sense of emptyness in my heart… I can not really describe it, but something is lacking. I was planning to marry a nice young lady, and I did not really think we had any difficulties. I wore her pantyhose and cosmetics behind her back, but I did not think much of it at the time. Our issues seemed focused on our difference in religion. I really did love her... but not anymore. What is going on within me?

note:

At the time that I had written this, I had completed a summer of working between colleges. Prior to the summer, I was concerned with graduating on time, and finishing up my undergraduate life. 1996 was a year of transitioning for me. I had spent the year recouping from a failed relationship, and getting my scout troop in order. For my final year of school I got out of scouting, and found a very lovely young lady who I loved.

This young woman would be the closest I ever came to getting married... what I think most ts do to avoid their feelings. In the intrim of 1996, I did crossdress from time to time, but I really had given up on the idea of transsexuality. My only thoughts were of having sex... and it did not matter with whom. The roomate I had at the time was female, and I found that at the times she was not around, I was in her underware and cosmetics. I did not think much of it, but for some reason I did not want to keep my own cosmetics around... I don't know where my stuff went... and in retrospect I had regressed back to where I was when I was on my own for the first time ... going through other peoples' stuff. I think I was in denial of my own feelings. When I met my fiancee, all other things seemed to melt, and for a good amount of time I thought I was 'cured'.

As our relationship deepened, one night I did convey my feelings for her, as well as what I considered my GID'ness... explaining to her that I only had the feelings once in a while. At the time it was true, but as time passed... well... my feelings would resurface at various intervals. My fiancee and I were extremely active, and I believe very much in love. I have no idea where my own "inner woman" was at the start, but by the end of my relationship, well, I was on my way out.

In mid-1997, I asked the young woman to marry me, and she said yes. We were happy, and we were planning our futures together. It did not dawn on me then that I was sneaking behind my fiance's back and wearing her cosmetics. During the summer we both got busy with our own lives... I graduated, and was looking at grad school. The summer came to a close, and with the fall I was looking at new people, and me in a new role-- grad student.

My fiancee and I were preparing for our future together, to the point we had picked out where we were to live in the following spring. We were looking at getting our lives in order, and together. It really am ashamed of all the pain and suffering that she went through as the woman within me made her presence known. I can only hope that my ex-fiancee has found someone who can truely love her, and that the both of them are happy.

One of the last warning signs that I had gotten was at the end of the summer... where I realized that I did not want to be in love with a woman... but rather I was a woman who wanted to be in love. I did not know if my feelings were comming out because I was nervious about starting school, or if something else is on the horizon. August of '97 was one of the last 'normal' months I would have for a long time.

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