Aug 1 1999

A part of me feels growing pains… don’t quite know what part… hard to describe. Perhaps a part of me is really looking for someone to spend a quiet evening cuddling with… don’t know what to say… other than to record it.

Sometimes I feel foolish … planning things around SRS. In fact once in a blue moon I feel silly about planning for HRT and even electrolysis… I really don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow let alone in three years. For sure, it is nice to plan and set aside time/money for down the road… saving and budgeting. But my car could die tomorrow and I still would not get anywhere… you know? Oh well…

Me again… later. I was curious about how my budget may go… so I made a copy of my spreadsheet and played with the numbers. Looks like all can come to pass… just takes some time. It is comforting to know that should I continue along my way, that by 2005 it is possible to pay back my debts and be living full-time. As always, and as I mentioned above, there are several things that could affect when things happen in my life. Unexpected incomes and expenditures. But, as someone who likes to have a rough idea what is possible, I find great sanctuary in knowing that what I want to do is not impossible. It is desperation that breeds sadness for me. That being said, it is now time for me to stop procrastinating and getting on with other elements of my life.

But before I go, I must comment on my current transition back into “male drag”… I say that with a laugh and a smile. It has been nice this summer to shave my legs and arms… and keep on top of shaving off my beard hairs. I’ve found for myself that it is nearly impossible to do the “real life quiz” all the time. There’s a saying about “you can’t get blood from a turnip”… which means that there are limitations to physical things. I accept that I was indeed born male into this world, and for the time being there are limitations that I encounter in trying to "be” more female. To get to where I want to be, I need to put my “transitioning” plans on hold, and that is okay. In the end I am only in competition with myself.

Aug 2

It’s been about a month since I started working on my voice. I took about 2 weeks off… so really only been doing it about 2 weeks. Right now I’m up to practicing for about 5 minutes and then stopping. I’ve plugged my headphones right into he mixer board, so I can hear “as it is happening” the sound of my voice. There is a difference in tone between the two… I know that my ears balance out some of the bad qualities of my male voice… but they seem to work in my favor for the female voice… the truth is in the recorded voice… my attempts at a more female sounding voice are good on tape. I feel like I’ve made some progress… but nothing huge.

I wonder if it just takes time… something that Andrea and Melanie Ann both I think have said… it takes time and practice. What’s odd is trying to match the voice to the “androgynous male” that I am… but I guess for now that is what I’ll have to do. But yikes… want to find something that “fits” with the inner woman.

Aug 6

Reached a new deal with the voice training… once I got there I did not want to leave. Once I found a “possible Karen voice”… I did not want to stop talking from there when it was time to go back to the “male voice”.

Aug 8

I can’t seem to get to sleep, so I updated my budget through 2007… made a chart with the years and such down. Assuming I get a 25k job out of college and assuming no major obstacles, then I can start HRT in October of 2005. Heh… yikes! My hope is that by planning for the worst then things can only get better. Oh well… I still want to “be a woman” and all that…

Aug 9

I’m in a fit of depression today… figure writing about it is therapeutic, so here I am. Why do I feel so hopeless? I guess figuring out that I had to wait so long on things… I guess I’m sad. Part of me is like “if you have to wait 6 years… why do it? And that does not make much sense, does it? I just feel like giving up… if that makes any sense. Oh well… I can feel the gears turning. Perhaps I should write off today as being “in transition” between University life and Real World?

Aug 11

Another hot day here in the big city… started out in full regalia, but stubborn as I am I am now down to the bare essentials... must be hard to be a “professionally dressed” woman in a heat wave? When I was on estrogen before, one of the effects was a lower core temperature… don’t know if a female thermal system demands less, or is not as efficient as it’s male counterpart. I’m not a doctor, and I don’t play one on TV.

Had a real good meeting yesterday with the director of new show… even got a compliment… as the sunscreen song says, commit complements to memory and forget the insults. I’m in the middle of my interim vacation of sorts… sort of time to start/finish those summer projects and get ready for school. If all does not work out, at least I got this far… and I can leave grad school for a real job in theatre. While I like the idea of getting a jump on my 34 month incubation period… well… why would I do something that would prevent me from doing more down the road… if that makes any sense.

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