Aug 14

Feel like I need to set some things out… no real direction for them. Just a reminder that I still have plans for “Special Project K” as soon as possible. So much of the past was justification of what I wanted to do… really all that’s left is to continue to ask “is this what I want” when the opportunity presents itself. For now, all I can really do is to continue on until I can do more. Soon I will be experiencing “theatre” grad school… and unlike “education” I think I have a better handle on who I am and what I want out of it. If grad school does not work out then I will pursue a position as a TD or web person with theatre.

Aug 15

Tonight is the last night of “my summer vacation”. Spent my weekend doing theatre stuff… blah. Part of me nervous for design meeting tomorrow, part of me nervous for grad school, and part of me wanting to be “more female” than I am right now. But “being” a woman is more than wearing clothes or acting a certain way… want more than just the surface stuff… I feel I can’t progress anymore till I have money… be that by lottery, graduation, or job. So all I can do is to press on, right?

Aug 19

I’m so concerned about not making the same mistake I made last time I did grad school… not knowing when to jump ship and when to say help. Hard for me to keep in mind this is my first time on a variety of levels and things. I’d say my life is 75% dominated by theatre stuff. I guess I have about 5% for other things. Almost got in a bind today with cosmetics… I am going to have to cut back on what I wear and when.

Aug 20 - 7:36am

I’m curious where my free time went…where my fun went. For me it is a challenge to get things done… you know what I mean. I guess right now it all seems so huge and I’m so small… at least the floor plan for my first show is done… and I can make a good attempt at the rest of the drawings this weekend. I ask myself what would I do otherwise?

Would I contemplate my existence? My TS? Would I goof off… perhaps a little. But I would imagine for the most part I would not do a whole bunch. Oh well.

School is busy… my brain is too melted to really say more. I’m tired, I suppose. Want to spread eagle and let some man lick my pussy… of course I’d have to get one first. Yikes! Feel somewhat sad… I’ve been so busy lately… not had time to do some “real life quiz” stuff… whine, whine, whine.

Aug 24

In a fit of anger at school stuff, I started to feel worthless today… a bulk of this was due to some verbal comments from my professor. I thought about leaving, quitting… in a brief moment even death. In the end I cheered up a bit. Worked all afternoon getting up to speed with design things. Not much to say… other than I’m doing the best I can. Tomorrow is the first day of my discussion TA class… I’m so frazzled by what happened today I can’t really get anxious/excited/nervous about tomorrow. Guess I should be thankful for having 15 minutes before bed time to read play for tomorrow. Blah.

Aug 26

Been a hectic few days. Thought about killing myself, thought about quitting school. Had a real turn-around of feelings. Had a freaky dream last night that I found out that my girlfriend (in the dream) was TS. Last three nights have been nearly sleep-less.

Aug 28

I’m trying to find a balance in my life… don’t know what yet. I’m down to one day only for wearing cosmetics and such. I don’t want to forget that I am TS… if that makes sense. I’ve realized that so much of my life now is outside the TS realm… really not enough time to “be TS”… if that makes any sense. No time to wear two sets of clothes each day… or to be concerned what people will think… or to be worried if someone notices the remnants of mascara or eye-liner on me. No time for that.

But I don’t want to forget who I am. Not that I have legions of adoring men and women who want to date me… but I have to protect myself and also express myself. I have needs… to be hugged and touched… that human element. I’m in a new phase of my life… and there are things that must be done that surpass the others. And I have to invent/create/save/recycle elements so that I nurture the various selves and side of my personality. In that vein I hope to start to bring some of my own personal life back into my writings… if that makes sense.

I’ve been questioning my aspirations here… this past week was frightening. I was lost… thought about quitting. I’ve realized that the college program is not what I was told… I thought there were three production people taken each term… this time only two. That makes 3 total for graduate stuff.

Aug 30

Tonight I’m sick, so thanks to good working weekend I can lay in bed. I am afraid that I won’t get done what needs to be done. Answer is to work harder, or make sure deadlines reasonable. For tonight, however, I am okay. Traditionally Mondays not a good night for doing things anyway. Have to wait and see I suppose.

But, I wanted to record some of my thoughts. Been reading old journals… I don’t know where the person who wrote them went… must be on vacation. I still feel that I am TS, and still have plans to do something about it down the line, but any current attempts seem fruitless. Several times in my past I said something about “I’m going to wait on HRT till”… like I was making excuses or something. Looking back, I don’t see how I could do HRT at any time previous… knowing the financial burden.

I felt another “gee I wish I was dead” pangs today… I’m hoping it was my fever talking. I was just tired of needing to do things… work and such. I know the fever is a good chunk of that. But as in last week I wonder if I am doing what I really want to be doing… theatre this time around is not as fun as last year. I realize there’s a difference. As a grad student I am treated like I know something… last year it was easy to hide in ignorance. To be honest I do know some things… not totally a spring chicken. I realize I am here to learn, and if I knew anything there would be no point in trying.

But at some moments I wonder what’s going on with me… what am I doing here. Did I make a mistake in leaving old university? I know it’s a moot issue, but it does press upon me at times. I’ve decided so far to stay and see how it goes. Last Tuesday all I wanted was to kill myself… ditto for Wednesday… but by Thursday I was climbing back up and on my feet.

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