Dec 21, 97

I had an interesting event today. I sat this morning with my parents and niece.. I sat there at breakfast, participating in the conversation, and I started to feel this pang in my soul. I looked around, and found that every time someone said my old name.. it just got to me. So, I just sat there and waited... and patiently listened as my old name was slapped on me over and over again. Ouch...

Well... I decided that there must come a point where I would need to insist... or at least make a begging plea for my new name. So... they continued to say my old name... and I waited to the next adult to make an example of... not with malice... but I made a decision. So... my Mom said something, and I politely said.... "excuse me, if it's not too much trouble to ask, do you think you could call me Robin—that's what I would prefer to be called." They looked at me for a moment, and I kept on: "I mean, if you want to call me shit-head... that's okay... but I don't like the old name, that's not my name. My step-father did a double take, then asked "Well, what would you like to be called?" I looked at him and said "Robin." He looked at me, and said: "okay…"

A small victory... we'll see what will happen. Since then, my Mom still calls me the old name when talking to my cousin... and she repeats it. But, at least it is out in the open, and I can continue to ask for Robin.... maybe one day they'll catch on. To this day my relatives occasional call me by my old name... at one point I had to start to whip out my drivers liscence and point out what my name is... just takes time I guess!

I don't know how fair it is to change my name here... When things are done (Christmas money deposited, student loan money deposited, name changed), I am thinking of sending a letter or card announcing my full name change. I don't know if I'll make an explanation or not about having a woman's middle name... that is to say I don't know if I'll let the cat outta the bag. It's not fair to expect people to keep up with you if they don't live near you. Even though I told my parents about the name change, I don't think I can get mad at them for clinging to my old name. I can only expect new aquainences and people who can accept it to call me the right name.

Dec 22, 97

Looking through holiday ads brings some GID feelings to the forefront. I sit with my mother, looking over the 'last minute' shopper ads, and all I see are labels. "For Her" "The best gifts for him", etc. This works, in a way... the problem comes in when you see things you want on both pages. I see an add that says "cover girl cosmetics - 30% off"... computer games.... pants... and yes, who can refuse a black and decker saber saw? Heh.. I live in an apartment... what would I do with a saber saw? Heh.

Before I discovered credit cards, I would antagonize over what to spend my money on. JC Penny's would have a wonderful purple sweater on sale... but I needed a new necktie... there would be anguish and guilt... what would I do... I have not escaped that even today, but I feel better off than I did before.

What do I want for Christmas? Heh. Well, I could ask for what I have wanted all my life, for my mind to reside in a woman's body, my body. But that got old after twenty or so years. I think my one Christmas wish would be to get a job somewhere where I could be happy and successfully transition, and to get a contract for it as soon as possible so I could start to plan for my future.

I had a physical encounter with my lady friend before I came here... I won't say much now, but I don't want to forget it, so I mention it here. I am loosing... almost to the point of giving up on it.... well, I have lost almost all of my sexual attraction to women. I don't get excited by women anymore... not to say that men do... but... there is a change.

Eight Minutes shy of Dec 23

What happened to me today: I'm standing in line at Target... so I pick up the latest edition of Cosmo magazine. As I stand there, the woman behind me notices that I am actually reading the darn thing... and I sense some sort of 'are you gay' aura coming from her. I sort of smile and continue to read about how Cindy Crawford applies make-up. Well... all goes well until I start to read an article about "Ten things about a Woman's apartment that turns off men." The first line from the article: "When a man comes home to sleep with a woman, there are several things he looks for. The first is that the woman isn't a man with a flair for make-up, the second... and after the third joke, it gets into the article. ha-ha.

Dec 23 97

Two days before Christmas. I awoke in the middle of the night to an idea. It's still Christmas time, and I have some time to kill. I have a charge card, and I'm in a city where I don't care who sees me do what... so... it struck me... why not do some shopping for myself? Heh.. *insert maniacal laughter here*

I also had an idea about writing a letter that I would send to my family after my name change, letting them know about my plans for full-time and such. I don't know if it would be a good idea... but it seems nice. The diner fiasco from a few days ago reminded me that really only my mother knows what is going on in my life, and it may be a good idea to let people know so they can make adjustments if they so choose to do so. It seems to me that slow change is a steady and more controllable path than something quick.

Changing one's name is a definite sign of the sincerity of one's need for change. It seems that everyday I have spent here I have been presented with an opportunity to expose my mom to some GID feelings. I don't intentionally do this, but I find things happen. On the second day of my visit, we talked a bit about transitioning. On the third day we talked a bit about relationships... making them when one is TS, but not 'full-time'.

It was funny when I came back to my Mom's place afterward. The phone rang, and I went up to it and challenged it to a 'female voice-off'... so, with utmost drunken confidence I did a quick 'Melanie Anne' voice exercise, and with some giddiness, grabbed the phone. "Hello..." Well... the voice on the other end sounded confused, and started to ask me questions. I answered as best I could, and it took me a while to figure out it was my grandmother... hehehe. I wonder how I sounded? Drunkenness does have it's drawbacks. I won't get as hammered again until next year.

While I was Christmas shopping yesterday, I came across a display that made me pause. It was a flat poster, sitting in a stand on a table. The image was of a man and woman sitting on a couch. The woman was not particularly attractive...but she looked like me. I was drawn into the ad.... even now I am a bit shocked... anyway, if I do go shopping today, I will look for something similar to what she was wearing. It was a green/brown skirt and a simple green shirt... so simple and beautiful. My hair is getting longer, I am sad because I think I will have to cut it soon. But, I do look in the mirror and see a little more of that woman inside surfacing... and I feel so nice.

Dec 24 97

I look like one of those trolls that you spin really fast and the hair goes wild. Not enough hair to do anything with, but enough to make it wild. I'll need to cut it in 25 days... oh no! Well, that's as long as my leg hairs have been growing out... they have two days to grow... hahahah. I am very happy they will get shaved soon!

Well...that's a good lead into the results of yesterday's shopping. I am in debt a little more, but I have some really nice and quite utilitarian clothes. My main goal was to find a nice skirt, which was accomplished (and the most expensive of the bunch). My four hour trek found two sweaters, one pair of jean shorts, one pair of jean pants, one 44c bra, three pairs of 'just my size' pantyhose (brown, black, white), one short-sleeve shirt, and the nice skirt. Oh... and, the 'perfect' color lipstick for me... and some eyeliner. It is amazing how 'accurate' a person can be with what they want when they can take as much time as they need to shop. So.... yesterday was a good day.

My goal was to buy some clothes that I could wear out and about. I have lots of clothes that make me look like a cross-dresser.... I don't know too many women who wear dresses every day... I need some practical clothes... shorts, etc. So I got them.

My shopping after-thoughts have brought me to more thinking... I really want to fill out those clothes... I really (as if I did not before) want to start taking hormones. I am broke, and feel like I have a responsibility to pay off my debts... but jeeze... I don't want to continue to loose my hair... and I feel that if I take the low-dose route, I can make some nice changes over time. At the same time, I want to be finished with the little hairs before I do anything hormonal. Perhaps I can come to a compromise? I want to take this one thing at a time...and, it seems that money is just not with me.

There is some security that arises when you are making serious money. It is timing, I guess. Jeeze... I think about filling out my new bra and I melt like hot butter. Heh. And yet, if I was taking hormones, I would not be ready to let the world see me yet. I'll need to look into the medical side of things, and find out about time and dosage. If I had the money, I would like to start on a low dose. The problem is that I don't have the money... so in the mean time I will need to continue to zap them hairs and keep on working toward that goal.

I picked up the newspaper, and took a look at the personals. Where do I fit in there? I'm not actively pursuing a man... heck... I don't even know if it is a man that I am after, but I would like to find out. If I were to place an ad in the paper, where? Am I a man seeking man, a woman seeking man, woman seeking woman? Perhaps the best bet would be to place an ad in the man seeking man and woman seeking man... see what turns up. I've no plans to do this now, but it will make a great story when I do. I guess I would need to include 'pre-op TS' as a precaution...

Seems to me that there are several steps that need to take place... on a few separate levels. The ultimate outcome for me is to live a productive life as the woman that I am. I can have that now, and will continue to have that no matter what lies ahead of me. As it has always been, what 'I am' will change over time. If I can take a risk and perhaps pull some characteristics of my life 20 years from now out of my crystal ball, I see myself in a relationship with someone, perhaps a nice man. I have had SRS, and am leading a life that I design, with my own expectations being fulfilled as to what 'living as a woman' is.

I have time to get there, but that is my dream of the future. In order to get there, I need to make a serious dent in my debts, and I need to get my body there... I have my own expectations as to what must happen prior to then. It's not crucial to me today to have SRS, but I know I want it. To get it, I have to do two years RLT. In order for me to do RLT, I want to look as female as I can, which means anything non-surgical. This means hair-zapping, hair growing, nail growing, voice training, hormoneing, culturing and exercise. It will be easier to do some of these things when I have a positive income. Some of these things I have been doing for a while.

So... it is really easy for me to sit here and be content. I do have my moments... but until that starts to give me trouble, I'll plan on the slow route. Well... gotta get moving'

Dec 27 97

Today I am writing this from a fantasy spot. I am on my new back porch, watching as the sun rises, listening to the sound of rain falling and the world around me waking up. I am wearing sandals, women's shorts, my new bra, and my legs have been shaved as well as my finger/toe nails are painted. I have applied a very light layer of make-up. I guess I am now as I have always imagined my self to one day be. The only exceptions is that my breasts don't quite fill the bra. Heh. Oh, well, and I am in the middle of a 'zap till there ain't no more' igia-fest, so I have a four day beard. Not the best concluding vision, I know, but... that's the facts. I am Helga, the bearded lady... heh.

Before Christmas arrived my mom had given me the task of writing labels for the presents. I decided to test the waters a bit. I did this by writing 'From Robin', or 'To Robin' on the little cards that you attach to the gifts. Only my sister noticed something, asking me what it was... I said my name, and that was all. We had another run in later on, where I was confronted by my grandmother and sister about cutting my hair. She asked why I wanted it long, to which I replied: "Well, I have always wanted long hair... I'd like it long enough to braid." My sister shook her head and said 'no... no braids'... I left the room.

I don't know what will happen in the future in terms of letting my family know. I would find great comfort in letting them know ASAP... even if there will be no visible changes for two years... just so they can get used to the idea.... if possible. I don't know... I guess I want the slow route... instead of the abrupt one.

PS - I prefer the name Karen, but I think that I need to go with something everyone can use. It gets kinda confusing to have three names and switch back and forth amongst them.

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