Dec 10 98

My latest escapade which is requiring me to write all this out is that I have broken up with a girlfriend, and it was interesting the way it happened… the transgender submarine that lurks surfaced and made an appearance. My transgender feelings sort of held a court, and asked me if I remembered who and what I was… I had forgotten. So I’m single again, and I think I’m off the “gotta get a girlfriend” kick for a while.

You see, I’ve learned that I’m not happy with women in a sexual context, and I abhor being in the male role of relationships. I had hoped that the “good vibes” I had gotten with my last girlfriend were a sign that I did not need HRT, and that I could live as a borderline transsexual, perhaps an androngenous man… and I’d have an understanding wife who would let me cross-dress from time to time… but in the end… well, that’s not really what I am looking for.

Dec 14 98

I also have been thinking about my family. It’s no mystery… all of my family members know of my plans for the future. I’ve lost my Dad and my step-mom… could not accept who I am. My Mom’s side of the family, that has been another story. My Mom I think inwardly has a tough time accepting things, but has not voiced her opinions. My step-dad has told me not to waste my life sitting on the fence, to go with it, or no… which I am thankful for.

When my sister got connected to the internet (thank goodness for AOL), and we started to send each other email on a daily basis, well, we had a few emails that sort of let her know about transsexuality, or at least what a common, every-day occurrence or issues we have… my own are watching TV commercials and feeling like I want to be the woman in the cosmetic adds. So, the world of email has been good for my “coming out.” My family has accepted who I am, and knows that I am in a period of transition. They know that I’m looking for a guy to date… and that I have no plans for the married-father lifestyle.

Over the past 5 years I’ve had a series of relationships that got progressively focused and I ruled out specific factors… I went from being an average guy to someone who occasionally crossdressed, to someone who knew they were TS and waiting, to someone who found out that until they explore the gay-side of TS, they could never commit to a relationship (all through this process I’ve “cross-dressed” in various stages… and in ’92 and ’97 lived my whole home-life en femme).

I guess what makes me curious is how my family might react to me having a boyfriend, or if I get married. Can you imagine me, the Amazon Linebacker getting married, in a long white dress? I’d be all giggles… and nervous. But what would my family do? And let’s say that the groom is fully aware (and quite content) with me being TS? Will my family make quick friends with the fellow because he’s doing something miraculous, or will they think he’s gay…. See what I mean? Lots of confusion there. Or… say I marry a woman, since legally we have the genetic coding? Will my family consider me gay, her gay… or what. Strange, no? I imagine we could discuss what could be, but in the end it’s a pointless discussion, better get back to what is really happening right now.

I was chatting to a TS and they told me that since I was wearing boxer shorts I was not a true TS… I think that’s total baloney… but I guess I’ll have to be where she is and go from there… but I hope I never tell someone they’re not TS because they don’t wear what I do… is it really fair to say there’s a test for TS? Such a test would be based on pre-conceived notions that define sexuality… which is something I just don’t buy into.

For myself, it’s the desire to be as much of a woman externally as I care to be internally… deciding what I want, and what I consider important. The motivation for such feelings being the nagging voices I’ve heard from myself all my life about me being a woman on the inside… and the times that I’ve had to hold back some feelings that were inappropriate for the situation. Today, I just let them out… and don’t hold back if it’s not important… meaning that when my roommate was sick, I mothered him. When I feel like crying during the Danielle Steele movie… I cry. At the same time, when I want to drink lots of beer and compete with my roommate for who can belch the loudest… I do that too.

Why would I want to limit myself with constraints that society put on me for being a male… why would I want to do the same for being female? Why not just be me? In those circles, then argue why would I want HRT, SRS… why not be “me” as a male… that I don’t know my friend… other than I can say that I’ve begun the transition to womanhood, and it just feels right. It feels more right than my life so far as a man.

I really wonder where this latest resurgence of my feelings will take me. This is the happiest time of my life, and I am happy that I am doing something about my feelings. I know that I want more from my life than sitting around in chat rooms and masturbating when I think about a man caressing my “one-day” girlish curves… there are so many things that could-be, but I don’t want to get lost in them. Every day is a gift, and with each hair that I zap I get closer to being what I want to be…

My only barricades are my voice and my body… not only because of my Amazon Linebacker status, but also because I love my voice… in the end, I think I won’t care… Kathleen Turner has a very deep voice, and Rhett Butler has a very flat male voice… so maybe my own doubts will go away… something tells me, however, that it’s natural to have doubts… I don’t know… ask me again in 5 years. I have my own style, and I guess that’s what separates the men from the boys in my book… women too. A woman has her own style, and is not mimicking others… I know I’ll only be happy being who I am… and no one else. I only hope society can hack it… but I think I’ll have the courage to deal with it then.

And, I guess that’s another issue on my mind… “society”… I grant you there are certain social norms to follow… belching in public… keeping your legs crossed when you’re in a short skirt… that I can deal with. But I am curious to see how many of my beliefs change when I walk out the door… they say that being a woman is no biggie… walking up the make-up counter in Sears, buying bras, etc… I guess I am wondering about the daily life stuff… grocery shopping, getting along with your co-workers… traffic jams… bank tellers… to me that’s reality, and I imagine walking around as a nu-woman must be initially frightening… “will they notice me, will they accept me”, etc… but then the new-ness must wear off, and things are they way they were before… does that make any sense? I think that’s why they say that SRS won’t cure your ills… if you can’t hack life. I know I can… I do. But I’m curious to get the scoop first hand-know what I mean?

Dec 21 98

My step-dad and their neighbors call me by an old name. I don’t like that. What can I do? I’ve thought about giving them my business card… which has a more current name there. I imagine the worst that would happen would be that they would wonder why I changed my name… they may even ask someone else behind my back. And, I guess that would leave it up to the person what they say. My family knows of my plans, but I think they would just say “they did not like the old name.” I doubt my parents have told their friends of the name change… and I guess it does not matter much.

It amazes me how in spite of all the email’s I’ve sent, and the length of my family’s discussion/acceptance of my plans for HRT, that they are amazed by some facts of my existence. Here’s an example: “so… when you gonna git a haircut? Why you let yur hair get so long?” My stock answer is truth… I say it’s in rebellion to the buzz cut I had from my Air Force days… but I gotta wonder where these people are coming from. My transsexuality is no secret… even if it’s not dinner conversation material. I guess their living in denial or something? My other favorite is “When you gonna get a girl-friend? Why didn’t you work out with that last girl?” I’m like… geeze… you people know that I’m not interested in a relationship with me as a man… you know I’m looking and waiting for the time being for the right fellow to come along… someone who might see the “diamond-in-the-rough” woman inside of me and grow along with me… So, I don’t know what’s up with them… but I’m taking it one day at a time.

Dec 22 98

There’s a challenge to say you are something you’re not… like me sitting here with male genitalia and saying I’m a woman. It’s akin to wanting to be a Physician when you’re in another profession… or when you’re in your teens and someone askes “what is it you want to be”… how do you know what you want till you try it?

My only solution is trying something, and if it does not work out add it to your “not me” list. Does that apply to transsexuality? Can I say I may not be a woman, but for certain I am a “not man?” For myself, it’s best to narrow down my options, and go from there. At least that way if I goof I can say I explored all my options. I was told once that I typed too much like a man… my writing style was too intelligent and entertaining… and that was a sign that I was not transsexual. Is that a good thing or a bad? To me it’s insulting to women… makes you wonder who’s perpetuating what stereotype.

Why do some women dress as sex objects? I wonder if women know the power of sex appeal on men? Men look at breasts. I wonder what women look at? The lack of breasts? I seem to be focusing more on a guy’s face and behind lately… what’s up with that?

This has been a unique Christmas… typically this is a time of stress for me… usually I’m walking around in male drag and hiding who I am. This is not to say that this year I’m wearing my snoopy nightshirt to bed, or when I go out I check my make-up… I think I appear as a nice fellow… with a lack of facial hair.

I don’t know when I’ll make the offical "obvious" transition, or where. My survival and common sense instincts tell me to finish college first. Sometimes they fail me when I see a pretty woman or get to feeling lonely. I think it would be funny if Ramirez (Sean Connery from the movie Highlander) would appear and give me a speech about how I should not get married or have kids.

Dec 23 98

As I’ve been with my family, I’ve been watching from safety… I guess I have been imagining the stares and gawks I would get were I in HRT. The not-so-male face with developing breasts. The stares and comments… mostly hushed inquiries. The “pain and suffering” that people go through when a family member jumps ship. As I wrote this I got interrupted by a phone call which lead to a discussion with my step-father. It seems that my brother-in-law tried to kill himself last night. Another call and my Grandfather’s nursing home called… trouble there too. My step father iludes to the pain and suffering this will all cause the family, such as what happened last year when I tried to take my own life. Yikes! And it’s not even noon yet. What a morning, eh?

Another knock on the door… my step-dad leaving, reminding me to “be a man” and stand-up for my Mother… love my sister and stand by the family. This last tid-bit just makes me want to cry. Well, I wanted to cry when my step-dad told me that I caused ill the family when I wanted to die not that long ago. I don’t know what to do. This all sounds like a bad movie.

Can’t I sit on the couch and just cry this all out… no. In clicks the male machine… the testosterone flows… “don’t try to understand it… get angry!” Grrrr. I feel that suicide is not an answer… I want to live. But sometimes life just sucks. And when a family ostracizes someone for wanting to die… that sucks as well. Perhaps our society should have a month-waiting period for self-euthanasia… if after a month you want to die, then you can do it. Is that cruel? Do I have too much testosterone in my veins? I don’t know. I choose to have an obligation to my family… and I guess since I’ve been given the reins, I have to keep it. I don’t think that has anything to do with being male or female… but isn’t my step-father’s reaction… or rather his request of me… isn’t it in line with what I was talking about earlier… “to be a man”… that implies men and women to be different, and hence can never have equality. I better go… love to chat but I do want to zap some hairs before my Mom returns. More later… but in closing I’ll say that “a man” can sit on the couch and cry… our gender roles have come a long way.

And yet, consider this: my mom described my sister sitting on the couch crying as “your sister needed to let out some feelings and deal with some anxiety.” For my brother-in-law, when he sat on the couch, he “cried like a baby… needs to stand up for what he believes in… act like a man.” Can you see the difference here? Watch the words people use… without knowing it to describe somone else. So even in our “modern age” we are still keeping others schakled in gender reins. My sister, in standing-up for herself and leaving her husband, is called “a good, strong, independent woman.” My brother-in-law, in expressing his emotions, is “a week man…” Just an observation.

Dec 24 - Christmas Eve Day

I mentioned that I had a good chat with my Mom about what I feel each day… I said that each and every day at some point I feel some pain at/of/with/about being transsexual… or perhaps a better thing would be gender dysphoria. Sometimes it happens in the morning, when I roll out of bed and I don’t see the breasts that I want,-- or maybe it’s later when I see a woman and think “do you know how lucky you are?” Or it might be when I see a guy and think how cute he might be. And, I can also say that when the time comes for some sexual fulfillment, I fantasize about having the right organs for the job… and then that’s when Fabio appears at my door and says “I can’t believe it’s not butter!” Heh… I’m playing now. I guess what I mean is that my problems are invisible… I’m not an alcoholic, drug user, or violent person… I’m not socially deviant, or depressed. I feel pain, and deal with it in my own way. I wanted her to know what’s up with me, so that things aren’t a big surprise down the road when I do HRT.

It helps me at times to try to prioritize things… and realize that the test of time is the best for me… as a compulsive person, I need to take into account “how serious” I am. So far all roads lead back to Rome/HRT/RLT, and I do my best to avoid the traps of marriage and career… I started out wanting to be a school teacher, and was plagued by the knowledge that not many public schools would want me. I was actually teaching for a while… and I needed to make a decision as to what I wanted to do. Ask me in 5 years if I made the right decision.

I guess another problem I have is waiting… it’s like I can rationalize the need to wait, but some days are worse than others… and sometimes I can’t deal with my feelings. A successful remedy has been to stop what I am doing and make a nice cup of tea, dress appropriately for the weather (in the winter months it’s my favorite long skirt and sweater), and go outside and just sit. I try and count my blessings. Apart from my size and my own baldness problems, I am lucky in that I am planning my life around what I want to do… both career wise, and with my transsexuality. I think in any situation, things can always be worse. I have come a long way from the panty raids of my early college days… sitting in a dorm room and thinking I was alone.

I know that dealing directly with my TS feelings right now (HRT)is not the most important thing in my life, and that I won’t find nirvana because of dealing with it. But, it is a high priority in my life, and with the time that I need to wait to do HRT while I do electrolysis, I can see if HRT is what I really want. Maybe I just want to live as an androgynous man. I don’t think so-I’ve been doing that for a while now. I want SRS and the ability to look at myself in the mirror and like who I am. My self-concept and self-acceptance is at the front of what I want to do. So I know I am in the right direction. I guess I need to allow myself the time and space to let that happen.

Dec 25 98 - Christmas Morning.

Good Morning. Last night we went to Midnight Mass. Afterward my Mom said I “looked handsome… but you probably don’t want to look handsome… but you did.” I thought this was a nice thing to say. My mom hasn’t forgotten who I am, or what my plans for the future are… so that’s good. I guess that’s all that is happening here.

Dec 26 98

I had a nice conversation with my Mom today before I made the drive back here. I made a point to emphasize that while there were no direct visible changes, I had done some internal transitioning… dealing with my feelings, etc on the inside. She said she could tell… she said I seemed very much at peace and had a plan. I’m sure it was hard for her. What do Mother’s feel when a child comes back and verbally challenges their own sex? I know that talk is cheap. I think our next time of trial will be when it is very obvious what I am doing (hormones, eye-brows, legs-shaven, dressing). For right now I look like a fat guy with a thinning beard.

I read the text of a web-page that I down-loaded about a year ago… it dealt with a transsexual’s sense of self-confidence. It had some good things to say. In a nutshell, each of us have our own idea what we want to get out of transitioning… but at the core of that is our self-confidence. If we base the self-confidence off of the reactions of other people… we will more than likely fail. I think this is a good idea. Basically, we need to meet our own expectations of who we are, and think about others down the road. In my own case, so long as I can embrace myself, then it does not matter what others think- if I can accept myself, then perhaps the opinions of others (laughs, pointing, stares, bewilderment, rejection, ostracization) won’t affect me. As the defensive-tackle turned delicate flower, this is very important. People of my size and breadth attract attention. Being externally female will attract more attention (taller, broader, bigger breasts) on it’s own… add the transsexual element and I’ll attract stares as if I was going down the street naked on a pogo stick.

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