Dec 1 1999

 

Hello again.  Tonto say want to be girl.  ATD.  I’m still here… when I look in the mirror I still see a girl waiting to come out… blah.  I’m tired of waiting… ditto ditto ditto.

 

December 2

 

To say that a TS suffers not only is moot, but meaningless.  I think people suffer.  Life contains suffering.  Even myself, being a healthy specimen of manhood (please don’t laugh), I have my days.  As I get older, and I loose some of the vitality of youth… namely getting heartburn from eating pizza, a sore asshole from acidic poops, and lips so dry they have cracked and bleed… these are common things amongst people.

 

I don’t think being a pre-pre-op TS adds to that stack today.  In fact being where I am… looking around me and seeing the “trophies” of my life so far, I am very content.  As the temperature drops outside and my world has gotten so small, I am thankful to have a soft, warm place to rest.  And even at work, I am docile and lead a sedimentary life… no hard exertion.  There will come a time when it gets warm enough for me to exercise… and like the hibernating bear waking in the Spring, I shall emerge and exercise.

 

Dec 3

 

I just caught the tail end of 20/20… had one of those “snapshots” of Dana Rivers again, the TS in California.

 

I feel like I should say something… sometimes my own GID makes me want to stick a gun in my mouth and splatter the walls with my brain.   That’s not a death wish… or a plea for help.  Rather just an “oh, this is a bum deal” type-statement.  A lesson in futility.

 

Like the man who’s punishment is to push a rock up a hill only to see it go back down, I feel like I’m trudging against the impossible sometimes.  For sure, I could not walk out of my apartment tomorrow morning more female… and when things are going “real good” you don’t think about those kind of things.

 

The time-clock is 3 years for me to “enjoy” my time as pseudo-male and do what I need to do for a more female me down the road.  No new solutions or problems I suppose, other than to say that I am closer to my eventual goal of SRS.  I have been on “get a job after college” for so long I don’t know what the next stage will be…. And I guess I am going to enjoy passing a milestone for a few days.

 

From what I have seen and gather, I wonder for a moment if it’s all worth it… the effort and such.  In my heart, I am willing to take the risk to find out.  I can’t imagine it getting worse.  Is it better to be “normal” on the outside and a wreck on the inside, or to be ostracized by society but feel good about yourself on the inside?

 

 

The quick answer, and the one I’ll stick with is the later… better to be true to ones’ self since that’s who you’re around the bulk of the time.  I hope that I retain my sense of humor when it’s my turn.  Right now I get to wait I suppose.  Good luck and God Bless the pioneers out there like Joan who are fighting and taking their case public.  I hope to reap some of the benefits of that… who knows, I may be a pioneer myself. 

 

Dec 4

 

Saturday is a good day for fighting, or so the song goes.  Actually nearly all day I’ve wanted to die… again out of nowhere comes these feelings… things are okay, things are fine.  Today I went Christmas Shopping, bought myself a nice exercise bike to combat my love-handles and what would be a beer gut if I drank beer.  So why the upset?  I’m not sure.

 

I can’t seem to get a grip on today… glad it is almost over.  I try to imagine what would make things better… not much comes to mind.  The past few days I’ve had day-dreams of me grabbing my testicles and ripping them out… sorry of that is too graphic… but like Dorothy and Glenda… well, Glenda afterward says “see, you could had a vagina all along!”  Yikes!

 

For some reason or another I keep coming back to Dana Rivers on 20/20 last night, and again how I “just happened” to stumble across her story on TV.  Again, I can’t imagine, or rather I must admit that I am under no delusion… I have 3 or so years to wait to transition outside of my apartment.  Perhaps today I am sad because I have been accepting that all day… I don’t know.

 

One of the downsides of living your life at work is that when you’re not at work you’re not really living.  I don’t know if that makes sense or not.  My Mom goes into her job on Saturdays… I used to think it was to get away from my Step-Dad and get some solo time… but I wonder now if like she I need that structure in my life.

 

Ever since I was 19 I wanted to transition… I can remember a phone call as if it was only yesterday to my Mom telling her of my plans.  I can remember the initial “what’s so great about being a woman?” from her, and the 3 hour conversation afterward.  It’s been over ten years since that call, and here I am today still wanting the same thing. 

 

When I look back at all the lives I have lived, the careers I have tried, and the people I have been… I need to give myself credit to making it  to today… this being day 2 of being out of college and having a job… something that was so unachievable way-back-when I realized that not only did I want SRS, but I had no possible way of getting the money. 

 

I’m in the “golden” time of being out of college and getting my first real job… why can’t I let myself enjoy that, particularly when I know that Widgets is TG friendly… I mean ten years from now won’t I look back and be thankful that I ended up going to a temp agency… because if I hadn’t I would never of made it?  That’s a thought.

 

 

But that is the way it goes.  Better to be a single guy who knows what they must do than to be married with kids I expect… always things could be worse than they are right now.  That does not diminish the pain… but at least you know more about yourself and the world around you.

 

And, while I have no plans to rip out my testicles, part of me wishes that TS had some sort of external marker of sorts that they have a problem that can be fixed… I only say that because my family continually ignores my pain… not that I could expect them to understand or dwell on my problems.  But someone with an arm in a sling gets a certain degree of pity from people… or at least the other people can identify with the pain… but without sounding whiny I must say that no one knows the constant pain that TS go through… something that even as an enlightened, rational, intellectual, well-adjusted individual, I wish at times that God would have mercy and kill me.

 

I  wonder at times if that is why I have no great love of going to church, as if that is some reminder of my situation.   Why would God allow such a thing to exist… why not of let me have two X chromosomes and let me be woman?  Why must I go through this process of social ostrazation and come within a hair’s width of suicide… killing the false male self on a gamble that the real female will emerge?  Why castrate a perfectly functional sex organ into something that is pseudo functional, not only making me sterile in the process but risking never having an orgasm again… that risk of “you can never go back.”  Wouldn’t it of been just as easy to make the Y-bearing sperm do the dog-paddle while the others side-stroked ahead? 

 

I guess the same could be said of people who get cancer, or children who no fault of their own are born with crippling diseases.  What did the 11 year old boy do to deserve premature death or a lifetime of abnormality?  How does one equate that with the love of God.  I guess that’s the crux of “The Star”, which is one of my favorite short stories.  The answer there is that as Humans we are unable to comprehend God… or as Walsh suggests we are parts of God looking back so we can experience ourselves and the divine.  That could be so.

 

That is something I can believe in… that there is more to my experience.  In the end, I will have known quite a variety of roles… some more realistic than others.  I had a dream the other night that I gave birth to three children.  In my dream my Mom took them out for ice-cream.  It was one of the best dreams I have had in a long while… to have a newborn sucking at my breast for life that I would give him in mother’s milk… my milk.  While there are a few cases of mtf’s developing milk ducts in breasts… I don’t put much faith that I’ll get my chance to breast feed… the numbers are not in my favor.  But in time I may give life and love to children in other ways… by volunteering my time or adopting children who need loving parents.

 

Again I’m not expecting to reach womanhood 100%… I think 60% or 70% is a better goal… at least more realistic.  A driving force for my life so far has been to experience it… guess that goes back to all the lives I’ve lead so far… being a male teacher and scoutmaster… I think I’ve done everything I wanted to do as a male.  When the time is right I will pursue coming as close to being a woman as I can… and while I can’t have a full 90% of that experience… I can come close enough to be satisfied.

 

Oh well… tomorrow is another day as the saying goes.  I mentioned I did my Christmas Shopping… all done.  I am glad to have it behind me.  This year, unlike years past I made no excuses for looking at clothes I really liked… and to my credit I did not buy anything for me… no skirts or cosmetics.  And I’m not sad about it… while I’ve been wearing the same clothes for three years I can’t see spending money for good clothes that no one is ever going to see…  but it’s still painful not to be able to wear them… I wonder if my situation is akin to being forced to wear a mask over your face and a bag over your body… no one gets to see you as you see yourself.  Perhaps that is the most liberating thing about transitioning.   Again, this is all for right now… I must concentrate on the future and what will be… no one is saying “no” right now… I am saying no for right now… in the next 10 years at some point I will say “yes”, and get to grow into the real me.  Hmm.

 

Dec 5

 

Here’s a quickie… was shining my work shoes this morning had to laugh to see black shoe polish on my fingers with the purple nail polish on the finger nails… heh.  Oh well.  ATD and all that.

 

 

Dec 6

 

Hey there again.  Feel like I’m in training or something… TS training?  TS boot-camp?  Home from work, hop on the exercise bike, do some push-ups, take shower, read 8 pages from The Hitchhiker’s Guide Compendium out-loud, healthy dinner, a quick shave, cosmetic practice, and three games of Star Wars:  Rogue Squadron.  When do I graduate?  3 years, what?  Oh well.  ATD I guess.

 

Dec 7

 

Another night here at home.  Had a bad day at work… only wanted to come home… slept 2 hours right after work.  Managers are inspecting apartments tomorrow… had to stow clothes and such… feel like I’m hiding who I am, but that’s okay for now.

 

 

Dec 10

 

Again I am happy that I am alive… very content.  I was going to shave and break out the cosmetics, but I realized that by the time I did it, it would be time to clean up… you know the drill.  I hope that does not make me “any less of a TS”… he he.  Blah.  Sort of bored… sort of tired.  Tomorrow I am to help Andy work on his house.  Whew… don’t know what I am looking for… something.  Oh well.  Going to see if I can’t get some relax time in.

 

Dec 12

 

Another weekend comes to a close… I think this is the first one in many moons where I did no Cding what-so-ever.  I wanted too, but got too busy.  Well, turns out I don’t have enough money to buy a car.  No biggie I suppose…  makes 3 years for electrolysis instead of later.  I think I’d have to be making more money anyway for a car.

 

So time goes on… took some pics of me with my “beard”… ATD and all that.

 

Dec 13

 

Tonight I’m wearing house knock-arounds… having pseudo-breasts feels nice.  I really do miss wearing a bra every day… guess you get used it or something.

 

I’m trying to only write when I have something profound to say… in reading over old entries I find out that I can get repetitive… or is it that the problems are persistent?  In any case, whist watching TV tonight I just wondered what it must be like after you come out to folks at work… when you are on the hormones and such.  I’m still about three years from being able to do electrolysis… so I won’t fall into the trap of planning/pinning for something I can’t have right now.