Feb 1 99 - 2:00am

Whew. What a day. I'll give you a slight run down… spent the day working. As I was leaving, I got an email from Adult Friend Finder… there was someone in town who was interested in sex with me. What would I do? I was a bit curious. Well… I later would find myself in a dorm room, standing above a man who wanted me to give him oral pleasure. Wow… a dream come true. Something I've always wanted to do… done. Does that make me bisexual? Heh.

Seriously… so for the first time in my life I had my lips around a cock… and it felt good. Imagine taking a polish sausage… removing the tough skin so you have a meaty center… stick a condom on it… and that's what it was… a fleshy thing in my mouth… whew. What a sensation… going up and down on a penis. Doing what so many girls had done before on me. Wondering what felt good… doing to this fellow what had been done to me.

Some thoughts… hmm. Nice. Sort of what I expected. Would I do it again… yes. Do I want to have sex with women right now… no. If I could, I would like to have the capacity so that a man could spread my legs… he could lick my pussy… and do what comes next. I'd like it. I'd like it a lot.

It was funny at moments... looking back. I found myself getting tired... can only whistle so long... but... I can remember some old girlfriends of mine giving me a look... and I did it myself... it's the "why-don't-you-hurry-up-and-climax" look... you can only do it at an angle. I did not understand till I did it myself. Another thing was that the fellow reached out with his hands and started to push me down further... that I did as well in my past... it annoyed me now as much as it did others then. What am I-a machine? I don't think so. Oh well... just some thoughts.

I had a chance today… or rather when I would have a moment between things I thought back to my encounter last night. Whew. What can I put into words… hard to get emotion down in text. I look forward to the day when I come home from work and there's a man waiting for me. One of the things that happened last night was that as I was going down on the guy… he ran his fingers through my hair… as well as groped around my breasts… fondled them. Whew… what a feeling. Can you imagine what it would be like had I larger breasts… or a pussy for him to finger? Whew… maybe one day.

Feb 4 98 - 10:06pm

I suppose another thing I've learned is that it takes a long time to get to the point where you can do HRT... in my case letting my Air Force buzz-cut grow long enough... zapping the beard hairs... bleaching the arm hairs. I guess I should be exercising too... got to watch my girlish 18 figure... tee hee hee.

I'm amazed at the balance... or rather the swing between feeling so unable to do HRT right now, and the things that can be done at any time... things that will make (I think ) me a better woman... things such as eating right, exercising, etc... learning about skin types and cosmetics... or about fashion and dressing. I don't know.

Feb 6

I realize that we all have our moments. Life would not be as interesting were there not peaks and troughs. I imagine there are particular things that we all get really intense about... things that matter so much to us... things that chances are no one else can really appreciate.

I'm sitting here trying to get going again. Maybe that's the wrong terminology... I never really stopped. But, I do get zapped... or rather reminded of who and what I am. Will these feelings ever go away? How substantial are they? What can I convey to you? I feel like I'm trying to move the immovable object and block the unstoppable force. I think the fact that I have made it this far say something about my conviction. I have every intention of reaching my goal... but how can I share what it is like to try to cope with my transsexuality? Comprehension... compassion... understanding... as much as I am able. What can I do? Why do I need to do it?

I am very happy with most aspects of my life... but this is not what I want to be. I don't want to be a man. And I can't fight it right now. I can't do anything about it... other than say "bummer". That makes me angry. And upset. I am a very nice person. And I work very hard. Why can't I just be happy? Why do I have to feel like I am not here... I am not fucking here. I am a machine to the world. I want more out of life than this machine... this android covering from which I walk, talk... this is not me. I am in control of my faculties... but why do I have to feel this way... felt this way... am this way. I don't want to die... I want to live... but I'm living a lie right now. I'm tired of saying things are fine when they are not. I'm tired of being treated the wrong way.

I'm tired of being 6 feet tall... 275 pounds. I'm tired of wearing clothes that I don't like. I'm tired of living this charade of man-hood. But what can I do? I want to experience life... I want to live. But I want to live as I am inside this shell... I want to wear the right body on my soul. I realize I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my body... I have plans for it. I need what I have for down the road. But I'm not living "down the road" right now... I'm here. Today. Now. What can I do now? What can I do... I feel so frustrated and tired.

This is my weekend... my one day a week where I don't do school work. And I can't enjoy it. Can't live it. Sure I'm here... I'm breathing... but it's the machine that talks... that walks. It does what I tell it to do... my mind holds dominion over this vessel... but it's not me. IT IS NOT ME! I want IT to reflect me. And the only way to do that is through hormone therapy.

But I can't start that till I can afford a therapist... and an endocrinolgist... so I have to wait. Wait. It just does not seem right in some way... having to wait. Emotional flare... secondary functions failing... fatigue coming in. I'm pouting.

It's so hard sometimes. Hmmm. But I do get by.

Feb 7 99

Well... another week comes to a close. It's been a tough week... time to start to think about the summer and get my act together. Yesterday I saw some photos of a TS friend... had not seen her for about a year or so... my how far she has come. Amazing... I can remember this young, skinny fellow... well... he's gone now. I took out an old photo and compared the two... not even close! Amazing. Afterward, I got into a big hole of a depression. I suppose I should be happy... maybe I can hope for similar results. Hmm. I feel so sad.

Feb 9 99

It’s been a long day… I suppose. I mailed off the application for internship into the Tampa Gender program… so we’ll see what comes out of it. Feel like the last few days have been building to a decision. The other thing that happened today is that my Grandfather passed away. Kinda sad… very much at peace. I don’t know when the man that was my Granddad died… what happened today was merely a physical passing.

I found myself over the last few days wandering around and trying to figure things out… very reminiscent of the past. Makes me wonder what happened last time. From the journals that I recently read… seems like there was no one in town who would write the prescriptions. When there’s no one around, well, you give up. There’s a doctor in Daytona (2 hrs away) who writes scripts… but requires completion of electrolysis first. Sounds good to me. The doctor is not an endocrinologist… but a pediatrician… a child’s doctor.

Feb 14 99 - Valentine’s Day

Somewhere between here and Tampa is a letter asking for my admission. From what the website said the next step is a consultation type interview, where I’ll meet a therapist and an endocrinologist. I wonder how many visits it takes to get the meds? I remember last summer how ridiculous my therapy sessions went. Only so many times you can give the condensed version of your life story… trying to give all the details but not bore your therapist. I wonder what it must be like to be the therapist, and have a blank slate ready to be filled… the questions you must ask this person before you who is so obviously male, but says they are female.

What do you think? What do you keep in mind. If you’re an experienced therapist with gender issues for mtfs, then I imagine it must get repetitive… most TS I talk with had some sort of cross dressing incident as a child, and then carry a sense of doom with them as they try to deal with their feelings… be it denial, indulgences into hyper-masculinity, or just plain ignorance. I’ve seen six therapists over my time here, and yesterday I hit upon the idea of slipping the guy a crib sheet… rather than ramble off the top of my head… I’ll pass him something to look at that he can write all over… he can even circle things. I guess if I wanted to get real analytical about it I could even come up with some sort of table. Heh… overkill.

But, back to my Mom… well, what can I say. Will she ever see me as I am right now… can she understand that perhaps like her I enjoy having breasts… and could not enjoy life any other way? I suppose a point of my email was that my feelings have progressed to the point that I have the severity of suicide, but I want to live. In other words… the desire to live and be a woman is keeping me going. It seems to me that TS may have some ability to cope with GID much like brake pads do on cars. For some it’s nothing, but for others those pads are buffers to keep themselves in check. If you have really nice brake pads, you’ll can decrease your transition momentum almost to a standstill and function fine. For others… well, as that pad wears thin it gets harder and harder to keep those transsexual urges under the hood.

So… it is a quandary… to have that “I’ve got to do something about this or I’ll die” feeling, and knowing that death is not what you want. Amazing that something so inexpensive as estrogen can save us… I guess it must be the three-ring circus to get them that puts us off… well, put me off. Can I get them now? I don’t know… gonna find out. My own brake pads here are wearing thin. Sometimes I think it’s only the last vestiges of cohesion rational masculinity that keeps me together.

Feb 14 - later

Well... getting ready to enter another week. It was a shock to get out of the shower before coming to work and seeing the woman in the mirror again. The non-verbal communication went like this:

Robin - *turns off shower, reaches for towel, looks in mirror, sees Karen* "Hey you!"

Karen - "Hey yourself!"

Robin - "I gotta go to work... damn you're looking good!"

Karen - "Thanks... but I think it's more like we are looking good."

Robin - "Yeah, but I can't go to work looking like a woman."

Karen - "Heh... guess you shouldn't of spent all morning doing electrolysis."

Robin - "Or the really good make-up job"

Karen - "Yeah... we're looking real good. Why not just go to work and let other people wonder if your a woman or not... it would be fun."

Robin - "I suppose... but I'm not ready to come out yet... but we are looking good."

Karen - "Yep... one day you won't think twice about traces of eye-liner on your eyes."

Robin - "I guess so... but... "

Karen - "But what?"

Robin - "Well, it's just that I work so hard this weekend to get you out and I don't want you to go away... you're becoming cuter and cuter..."

Karen - "Uh-huh... "

Robin - "I mean I look in the mirror and I like what I see... I see you. I am just curious what other people see."

Karen - "Well, if they saw us before you took a shower, they might wonder about you."

Robin - "True... but even without the cosmetics... I mean right now... I am wearing the most "guy" clothes I can wear, and I have my hair back... so I should look like a guy..."

Karen - "And?"

Robin - "And... well, I am looking like a woman. Even in tough guy clothes... even if I am one of the largest women I have ever seen.... I see woman... not man."

Karen - "And is that a bad thing?"

Robin - "No... no. It's a good thing, it's just that I am surprised by how cute we look. I'm not trying to be narcissistic... but when people look at me I want them to see you... us. The emphasis on the you in me. I want to be more like a woman than I appear right now."

Karen - "okay... sounds good to me... take care of us"

Robin - "I will."

2 20 99

It’s sort of a sad thing to think of the weekend as almost being over. Seems like things are just getting underway and it’s time to go back to school and such. One day I’d like to bring more of the female side of me out… maybe I’m doing that already? I don’t know… something nice about getting on a nice big, comfy purple sweater, ankle length skirt… to make your lipstick match your nails… match the colors into an ensemble… and to sip hot tea on the couch. To think about leaning back into some man’s arms and being held. Maybe some kissing. Who knows. But… to go to bed and wake up the same way. Perhaps that is what I am seeking, and one day I’ll get it. Atd I suppose. No trumpets, no fanfares… just feeling good at what you are doing… being.

2 21 99

The weekend is almost over. Tonight at work I drew a little sketch, which I’m going to put on the web page… it shows me as I conceive myself to appear. Amazing how far I have come in a year from the nerdy teacher to the delicate theater flower. Imagine me on HRT?

Feb 24

I really wonder what the effects of hormones are. I’ve got access to the medical files out there on the web… but I am really wondering how *I* might be affected by them. I’m not on them yet… but still I wonder. I suppose I wonder about a lot of things… but over time I’ve thought/felt them out… so the ramblings sort of go on without much input from me… I think I must say “we’ll see” or “one day” at least once a day. Usually when I wake up in the morning and I hear my voice for the first time… sort of like throwing darts at a dartboard… never know how close you’ll be to your target. I found myself walking around playing piano tuner with my voice for several days… today I told myself to can it until I get the go on HRT.

This morning, reaching for something warm to wear, I reached for my favorite purple sweater… I did not realize it till I went to brush my teeth before school, but there I was in all my womanly splendor… all I needed was the stuffed bra and I was ready to get lynched when I stepped outside my door. I mean… there I was… woman’s sweater, jeans… I vetoed the outfit because it was too womanly… and I’m not ready for that yet. I’m in the middle of another round of electrolysis, so I am letting my hairs grow long enough to zap. So I look like a stoner from the 70’s… a Wings haircut and beard.

But one day, assuming this HRT thing happens, I mean there is going to come a day when I will *have* to wear a bra… I’m curious what will happen then… will by that time I already be ‘out’… I don’t know. I wonder what people think… I mean now… what do they think about when someone mentions my name in conversation? They did not notice a few months ago when I shaved my leg hairs… they don’t seem to notice why I have remnants of nail polish and eye-liner sometimes… or at least they don’t say anything. I’m going to be around the same group of people for the next two years… I mean assuming HRT does it’s thing… at some point they are going to ask “what’s up?”… who do you tell… is there a way of breaking the ice so to speak? Or do you go home one Friday as “that really female looking guy” and come in the following Monday as “that really manish looking gal who last week was a guy”… sort of cold turkey?

2 28 99

Well... another month has passed. Spent my weekend doing work stuff. I would complain but I enjoyed it so much. I guess that's good feedback that I did the right thing last year and left the teaching arena. I had about an hour before I came here that I could do anything I wanted, so I painted my fingernails and went for a walk. It was nice to walk alone in the woods near my apartment and just listen to the sounds of life around me. To see all the things that were made so long ago. I believe there is a God. I don't think God has a gender... s/he does not mean much to God. God just is. Today I had a chance to admire and peruse some of God's handiwork... the trees and the creek out back. I thanked God for these things, and particularly the opportunity to exist.

I can remember earlier on in my life... trying to deal with my ts feelings, and reconciling myself with God. It's important to do that... perhaps that's part of the journey. I don't know. My time last year teaching was such a downer... it's euphoric to feel so light now. And I am happy to be alive right now... regardless of how "I am" to others. It's being at peace that makes me know that what I am doing is right... and I will continue to seek out HRT. But it's nice to know I can live a semi-peaceful life without it. But I know I still want to do it.

It's hard to cope at times. I'm not saying this is all easy. Sometimes I feel that dealing with TS stuff is like planning your career. Where do you start? What's next? When. I'm trying my best.

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