Jan 3
I just got off the phone with my Mom… it’s sad in a way… well, how
her attempt to understand or “cheer me up” brings me further under. I know she meant well. It is not easy to understand what drives a
“pre-pre-op” TS.
All night long I’ve felt sort of pissy and lonely… I guess my Mom
must of picked up some of that in my tone… nothing that I consciously said out
loud, mind you. But I’ve mentioned in
the past the sort of dilemma I’ve put myself into… that of isolation. To a certain degree I’m happy because in my
own domain I can be myself… to whatever degree. Tonight due to the warmer temperature I’m in boxers, t-shirt, and
bra. Could I do that and be with someone
else?
My mom has made mention on a few occasions that I should get out
and meet people more… something about me being isolated from people… and she
does not want me to be in pain. I guess
I’d have to ask myself what I’d be looking for… to have very defined objectives
so I could decide if it is worth my effort to proceed. I’m not looking for a girl… however as recently as today I saw a co-worker in a
short pink-plaid skirt… half of me wanted to wear the skirt… half of me wanted
to get intimate with the girl… it was a strange clash of inner desires. But I know from experience that I am not
interested in a loving relationship
with another woman.
And, ditto I suppose for the fellows. It would be neat to be friends (or more than friends) had I the
right plumbing for the job… I’ve had a few fantasies recently with me and a few
of the fellows from work… but I don’t want to be treated as “that guy ….”… if
you know what I mean. So, what I’m
saying is that I am not really cut-out for any kind of relationship right now…
but my Mom does not understand that.
And, admittedly she is not able to comprehend my TS feelings… why
“I would choose something like that” for myself… repeatedly I’ve mentioned that
if I could purge the TS stuff from my life… well, I would not hesitate.
But really… there’s not much of anything I really want to do… not
really interested in watching movies, anime, sports… or role playing to a
degree. I’ve mentioned over the past
few weeks a general apathy and lethargic behavior in my life… as if I am not
interested in doing anything… period.
So I guess I’m kind of sad, kind of angry, and mostly tired. I never imagined that working a full-time
job would be so demanding on me physically… it may very well be that the tedium
of waiting to transition is starting to set in… I’m not sure. I’ve yet to get paid yet… that will be this
Friday.
I guess after talking with my Mom I felt somewhat bad for sharing
my life/problems with her… I guess it was only a natural reaction… she told me
what was up with her, and I reciprocated…. But it sort of hurts me to “hurt” my
mom with news of my own trials and tribulations. I don’t want to hurt anyone.
I guess in a way I feel cursed… like a Mummy or Plague of sorts… I
am a harbinger of desolation and sadness.
I am talking of the ills to come, and then will be a steadfast reminder
of those painful issues. I’m touched
that my Mom feels empathy for me… it shows that she cares. But again I feel like I live to suffer and
cause suffering… and I’m not even at the part where I’m ostracized by society
and a social outcast.
My Mom asked why it would be better to risk living in pain as a
Psuedo-Woman half-breed… instead of just living the lie of false male
hood. I’m not sure I have an
answer. I guess I’ve lived the latter
for the last 10 or so years… and when you are feeling like killing yourself on
the one hand, well… the alternative just don’t seem all too bad.
Well… unfortunately the Sandman is starting to beckon me to his
realm… so soon I must sleep. Again I
want to state that I am happy to be alive.
I accept the daily pain of my existence, for I believe that I am
actively working toward a larger plan or goal.
I would rather do that and have a chance of reaching some of my dreams
of womanhood than not have a chance at all.
Again I feel for my Mom and her pain as a result of knowing my own sadness. Part of me is curious, however, why she has
not taken a gander through gender-related literature or scientific study. There is a bunch of reputable info sources
out there… not to mention a web-site of my own experiences. Oh well… time marches on…
Jan 4
Well, another night of me in the green chair… only use it for those
nights where I want to relax a bit. For
some reason this is “Day 2” of me feeling like shit about stuff… can’t really
put my finger on a reason… I just do… feel bad. It’s like I sit and I can’t do anything… feel so darn paralyzed
in a sense. I want to cry… but don’t
start up. And while I feel lonely… it’s
like I don’t want anyone. Hard to say…
I feel lost and without direction.
Today had a quick run-in with Angela… and of course with Andrew… both TS
at my work. I’m looking around and
going “what’s up… help me here.” Oh
well. ATD I guess.
Jan 5
Another day here… I would almost say the sadness continues… but
something else is going on… don’t quite know what to say. I came home and watched “Kingpin”, a movie
on loan from Shane… and I sat and watched the whole thing from start to
finish. I just went to the bathroom… I
started to say “aren’t we going to put on some make-up tonight?”… and as I
passed by the mirror I looked and saw myself.
In reply was “why, I’m a beautiful woman enough with out it.”… strange
no? Oh well. Guess I’ll keep on trucking.
Jan 8
Slowly the warm coffee enters me… feels nice. I’m not 100% awake yet. It amazes me how “female” I feel today… in light
of the fact that I am currently physically 100% male. Hard to describe… I don’t have the long hair from my dream. I guess in being half-awake, and in doing a
super job on my nails last night… I guess in the dim monitor-glow I may even
look a little female. But I feel it…
it’s an odd feeling… peculiar.
Status report Mr. Sulu.
Things going okay so far (+11 min) today. Had a solid night’s sleep.
Coffee warming internal digestive systems… pressure building on bladder
wall… flatulence pressure increasing as well.
Physically I’m doing okay… healthy body.
I guess as I wake up, I am remembering more and more why I wanted
to write this morning. Since working
for Widgets, I don’t spend as much time on the computer as I used to… so I’ll
have an idea and then won’t get on the computer to write it out. Another thing is that since I’ve started to
work so much… I am rather “lazy” when I come home… meaning I don’t do a whole
lot. It’s neat also too as I wake up
the additional facilities as my disposal… my memory is getting clearer… and my
vocabulary has grown… I’ve gotten better/faster at typing… wow. Not at 100% yet. And since it is Saturday I suppose I don’t need to be at any
level.
Tonight I will play a game with some friends… a new group of
people. One of my first few thoughts
was “maybe I’ll meet my future husband there”… which I have quickly quelled… I
don’t want to spoil things with emotions.
But I wonder if that is not what pulls me over to the more female side
of the fence?
At work one of the gals had a baby shower, and made the comment
that since her baby was a girl, they had to design the baby’s room in
Pink. Again that Pink vs. Blue
mentality. Immediately you’ve set a
distinction there. My feet are
cold. Sorry to break the train of thought. But… well, when you shave your legs… but you
are blessed/cursed with “Gorilla Hair” on the rest of your body… well… the legs
get cold quicker. Hang on… I’m going to
go put on a skirt. Heh… if my Niece
knocks on my door then I’ll know I’m still dreaming. Heh.
Okay… back again. No knock
on the door. Guess that means 11 more
weeks of Winter… er, wait… that’s Groundhog’s Day. Ah… the feel of skirt on legs… nice… warm. Okay… where were we? Hmmm?
Okay… um… immediate imprinting of Gender Stereotypes on our youth. I guess it is okay… again if there were not
defined rules for gender behavior I’d have nothing solid to pursue… and I would
not know what I don’t like. It amazes
me… and maybe I am just fooling myself… but how “female” I act at work… I’m sure
they must think I am gay. Well… I guess
we’ll see what happens over the next 5 years.
That’s 3 years till I start Electrolysis… and 2 years later (or as
soon as Electrolysis is done) when I start Hormones… give 9 months for any
effects to show… then I’ll be a size 24, 50-C hot mama… hehe. Well, I have no illusions there… I’ve come
to the conclusion that I’d rather be an ugly woman than a handsome man. And, seeing how I am no Fabio, De Niro,
Redford or Jackie Chan… well… I’m not exactly sitting on the far side of the
see-saw… so I don’t have that much to loose as a Male.
I mentioned that I got mad at my Mom earlier in the week. I’m not sure if it was a reflection of my
own insecurities or what… but I was upset that she would not take the time to
familiarize herself with my “condition” as a TS. What set me off was that she said “I don’t know, and I don’t
want to know”… which I guess I need to
give her space for that… but as I listened to her talk about how she was
learning how to use her Camcorder… well, I got envious of the little piece of
plastic that she was so keen on knowing more about.
Jan 9
Other than that… I guess not much else to say… other than I’d like
to cuddle with someone. Again, not a
whine so much as just stating a fact. I
sent email to Angela the TS where I work… I’m hopeing that she won’t figure out
who I am… but part of me could not remain silent. I did not tell her much about myself… just that I was TS… and I
wished her well… no indication of my geographic location or personal
information. I’ll phone my Mom in a
bit… see how she is doing.
Jan 15
Another week comes to a close.
Had some thoughts I wanted to share about stuff. Had a strange dream last night, had a
close-call with Angela at work, and found out there is another FTM TS in my
building today. All in all a strange
day.
Jan 16
I was about to talk about my dream… I was wearing a blue dress with
pastel blue hose… it was crazy. Somehow
the store was infested with Banana Slugs… but upon closer inspection they were
actually Penises… it was the weirdest thing to see 3 disembodies Penises squirm
on the floor… yikes! I wonder what that
means? Dr. Freud?
So… it’s Saturday. Awoke
with visions of having sex… found myself clutching my crotch and feeling the clit
that wasn’t there. A strange emotion of
sorts.
Up here I’m feeling ATD and Saturday Blues in a big way… but I’m
not depressed per se… I realize I can leave the apartment at any time and go
out. Last night almost went shoe
shopping (ladies shoes) and went looking for new skirt. I wanted to buy some lip liner, liquid eye
liner, and concealer too… and then I sort of woke up and said… why, why
why? I mean here I am sitting on 65k in
dept, barely making enough $$$ to get by… and here I am thinking about buying
stuff that I don’t need. It was like…
yuck. So I’m doing better now. Hot, fresh coffee in cup, and my body is
waking up.
At some point I’ll need to clean up some… I’m out of clean plates
and all forms of bowls, cups, glasses, and utensils… my living room has yet to
reach “Dan Standard” of filth, but is looking trashy.
We have Monday off… Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. Something that I’ve always liked… so much of
his “I have a dream” speech can be said of Homophobia and the fascination/fear
of Tran sexuality. I don’t think
there’s a word for TS’s like there are for homosexuals… queers, queens,
etc. I guess “she-male” may be the
closest slur or slang for that… but I think something else needs to be
developed or discovered. Maybe a
caterpillar… since there is a transformation into a butterfly? Hmm. I think amphibians/insects are the only
organisms to change their gender when the needs arise.
Well, I know what ATD stands for, but what about “Saturday Blues”…
maybe a better term would be Weekend Blues… need another world in there…
Acronyms are only effective over 2 letters… TWB… The Weekend Blues… I could
settle with that for now.
So what is TWB… for me just the indecision about what to do… do I
get up on “my one day off a week” and totally vege like my non-TS peers, or do
I get up, take a hot bath, shave my legs, shave my beard, dry off, apply
cosmetics, and “be a woman” inside all day.
And then later, when my non-TS peers are going out and being with other
people, do I discard who I think that I am so I can be with them. I guess in an ideal situation my pals know
who I am, and accept it… and it need not matter if I show up as male-me, or
female-me… but I’m not there yet.
And, I’ve discovered that I can’t really talk with my Mom anymore
about stuff… so it’s back to just being
by myself again. I realize I could
phone up the Southern Belles, and go to a support group meeting, but I’m not
there yet either.
So, the delicate hormonal flower will remain shut-in. And that’s TWB. Perhaps to be different today I’ll go out… do my errands and
such. I’d like to let my beard grow out
anyway… just to see how effective the last run of electrolysis was.
I mentioned about the bank… well, the lack of funds in the
bank. It’s quite a toss-up, you know…
having something you want to do but you
won’t have the money for a long time… but that’s ATD for me.
I guess what’s on my mind is that I really am lonely to a certain
degree… I guess I am looking for companion ship on my terms… and to me that
means pets. But from my past I’ve
learned that it’s got to be a cat or dog… and I can’t have those where I am
at. So that would mean me moving I
guess… something that I’m not too keen on.
I tend to osculate between moving to a pet-friendly apartment, getting
a house, and staying where I am at. I
know that during the week I am rarely here… I mean I come in, sit down, and
pass out. But isn’t that what most
folks do? I guess I miss that on the
weekends… and I’ve always wanted a Dog or Cat.
The problem is that this place is so nice, and nice to me. I guess after my consolidation loans go
through maybe I’ll see about moving…
I guess what I’ve hit upon are a few “optional obstacles” on my TS
time-table. One of those is my Car,
another is my Apartment. If I try to
upgrade my car, I push my transition date back. I may do the same with my Apartment. On the other hand, if I don’t have a car to get to work I fail,
and if I go crazy from loneliness I fail too.
Crazy.
Jan 17
There were a few times he asked about my own “Depression” saying
that he did not understand it… where it was coming from. There were several times I almost said “I’m
TS”… but I did not. Yesterday it sort
of hit me that there’s no reason to tell people about me yet… with so much time
between now and then when it would make a difference. My experience with the group of friends back in 1993 told me
that. Even at 7 years ago I think for
some I carry that stigmata… that and some people are so bored with their own
lives that they take on behaviors and attitudes to give their own lives
meaning… and I think to gain a common ground with other people.
Choices
I guess I wanted to write a bit today about “choices.” I don’t know why (and it’s not important
why), but the first cognizant thought I had today was about Choices- the
options we are given which we may decide to make a change in our life.
I guess what I am feeling, or rather noticing is applicable in my
own life… but I imagine some of what I am expressing is somewhat universal.
My way of explaining my plans is that I am unhappy with my current
situation, and I want to change it. I
realize that in progressing along my TS path, I will exchange one uncomfortable
situation for another… but my opinion is that it will be less painful. The only analogy I can think of is an
amputee victim, who is considering an expensive surgery or prosthetic. The person realizes that they may spend an
enormous amount of money and time on something that won’t work out, but the
idea that things will be “less painful” is attractive. They may exchange the “hook” prosthetic for
a rubber hand… and some people may make
fun of them, or at least be curious if the hand is real or not… but for the
amputee… it’s less painful in the long run.
That may be the closest I can come to an analogy… what it is lacking in
is that with Mental Health stuff, the person “seems” okay… their dehabilitating
issue/injury/disablement is not as obvious as someone stuck in a wheelchair, a
blind person or someone who has lost/never-been-born-with a limb. The Mentally Health disabled can walk among
the “normal” and look like they are okay, it is just at times or inside they
are a walking sack-of-shit-feelings.
And, maybe at times that is why it is important for TS to verbalize
their insecurities or desires to people… because we don’t look like we are
suffering, but in fact we are. And, it
may be a big reason why so many TS end up killing themselves because they are
unable to let their feelings out. My
approach so far has been honesty… especially when my family tries to hook-me-up
with someone or ask a question like “how about her—she’s cute, she’d make a
nice wife”… or what-have-you.
Unfortunately, my family is so far away, and I don’t have anyone where I
live currently to chat with.
But…. This all was supposed to be about Choices… sorry for the big
introduction there. But I guess on one
hand I am given choices, and on the other-hand not. But let’s deal with the positive first.
I have taken great steps in the last year to secure myself into
adulthood. With proper planning and
frugality/thriftiness I have made a foot-hold into adult life. With no alterations, I can remain here, and
as I said above work the 7 or so years so I may begin RLT. So, for the time being I’d be deluding myself
into believing that in the next year I’ll do anything more along the TS path.
But, I am given some choices.
Very few, but some. The main one
is Finances, which are so much at stake when I talk about TS stuff. As I said the will is there, but the cash is
not. But with my $5-20 a month I am
given a little lee-way. If I buy a CD,
or go out to dinner, well, I feel like I’m not being true to my TS self. Ditto for when I see a lipstick shade I
like, or at my worst when I see a kool looking skirt or shoes… I mean I go
ballistic… never mind my current physical state, but as Karen I can be a real
whinny bitch when I don’t get what I want.
But fortunately I am able to subjugate some of that emotion… the “I
don’t have enough money for bread and you want *another* pair of shoes you
can’t wear outside the apartment? I
don’t think so.”
Throw in there a wildcard about socializing with people from work…
networking at lunches and informal gatherings (like me going out drinking with
David last night). I mean you can’t
play cheap-skate when the boss asks you out for lunch. It
may lead to bigger and better things… and when you are looking at
diminishing the 7 year wait (itch?)… well, lunch out is a good thing. And, insider information is another.
But that’s small stuff. I
guess the choices I am thinking about are big ones. Recently it seems I’ve been fixated on trading in my car (the
go-kart), or moving to a kitty-cat friendly apartment. Again, these are things that are not
“necessary”… but they are “keep me sane and happy” type stuff. I don’t have the money to put down on a car…
and unless my situation improves (salary goes up, win the lottery), I won’t
have “5 thousand down” for a car. But,
as they always say “you’ve got to get to work”, which is true. When I bought my go-kart I got butt-fucked
because I had nothing to put down for the car.
That’s how I’m paying 14k for an 8k car… and three years into it owe 7k
when the car is “blue-booked” at 3k… not much “trade-in” leverage there.
So, I’ve compromised in taking care of the go-kart so that when the
time comes I’ll get whatever I can for it.
But, I’ve realized that I need to start to save up money for the initial
down payment… that and there’s no way I’ll get such a low monthly payment… I
mean I pay $200/mo…. The next step will be $350 or $400… can’t do that right
now. But when the go-kart dies, I’ll
have to get another car. So assuming I
had some money in the bank… I could pay off the car with it, or save it for the
next one… but both will have an effect on “the seven year plan/itch” from
above. But it is a choice… no one is
forcing me into it. I guess for the
time being I’m ignoring it all.
The other “choice” is moving…. To be honest this is the best
apartment I’ve had ever… just the right size for me. But I’ve noticed that I’m getting lonely. I think 2 cats would keep me happy and sane
for the time being… again the expense would add/subtract to the TS stuff, but
it would also help get me there. My
current apartment is kitty un-friendly, so I’d need to move. To get an apartment I’d need money down and
such… stuff I don’t have right now… you know?
I mean more rent detracts from what I can send in on what I owe… so it
affects the TS stuff again.
I imagine for other TS’s there are other financial issues… parents,
siblings, children and such. So I know
I am lucky to a certain degree. But
what I wanted to say is that these are some “choices” that I am faced
with. Much like the TWB, it is a choice
to stay where I am at, or to move ahead.
A weakness of mine is that I want something immediately, or not at all…
I guess that is immediate gratification?
I can rationalize it… but like seeing a skirt that I can’t wear, well, I
get emotional about it… and that’s where the depression comes in. Thank goodness for Prozac.
I guess that may be a third “choice”, but for me it has been
elevated to “need” status… and that is the Prozac. With my HMO I think I’ll pay like $7 for my pills… that is good…
but I know my Mom pays $50 a month for her pills. Again that’s money I don’t have right now… so not much of a
choice, but could I live without it… I tend to think not… the last time did not
work out so well.
So maybe I feel like I don’t have some of the choices that I want yet. But things can change… and maybe I need to
keep in mind that my plans for the future have been made on “the worst-case
scenario”. That, and that I have
several years to achieve my goals. If
god granted me a long standing wish, and I woke up tomorrow morning 100%
female, what would I do then, eh? I
mean what would come next? Finding a
husband? Having lots of sex? Hmmm…. Karen blushes and goes “hmmm………” with
an evil grin. Heh… how come I have
such a good time “being” three people at once?
Crazy. Damn my legs are cold… I
shifted and the skirt moved… yikes!
I guess I don’t have an answer for that. If we had everything we wanted, what would be the point of
living? Of learning? I’m stumped. Can I imagine a world where every 28 days I bleed between my
legs… of being concerned about having sex with someone because I could get
pregnant… of being on the other end of Abortion? I’m ready to try, and deal with it. But again, that is not an option right now.
Last night at the Trivia game there was a question about the author
who said that “Religion is the Opiate of the Masses”… it never really hit me
till today. I think it’s easy for
people who get what they want to claim/profess being in good graces with God. For so many years I thought I was evil, or
had sinned because of what I was… TS and all.
I don’t know why I went from “Choices” to Religion… but that line is in
my mind. I think people rationalize
their shortcomings with Religion. It
wasn’t enough to have a god who changed sides… as in the Old Testament. I can’t remember right now, but I don’t
think the Old Testament talks about an incarnation of Evil much… I know in
Genesis the snake talks Eve into eating of the Fruit of Knowledge… but it
really is not until the New Testament/Book of Revelations that Evil is given a
personification… the Anti-Christ and such.
I do believe that Faith in something makes it true, or at least
gives it presence. Human Emotion can
precipitate itself into Non-corporal manifestations of will… and I don’t know
why I’m thinking about all this… I went from “choices” to spirituality.
Hmm. Is there a connection?
For some, Religion may be another obstacle to overcome in dealing
with their TS issues. In my own time on
this earth, I’ve seen public opinion shift greatly. I don’t think TS have as much stacked against them where I live
as they once did… socially and religiously.
From my own viewpoint… there is no way of “proving” or “disproving”
something you cannot empirically ascertain.
So a discussion about God may be a moot topic and waste of
time/energy/effort. But the cerebral
gestalt of “Faith” is focused by the catalylitic precepts of Religious Dogma…
and I can see/feel those boundaries or forces in action. Perhaps our “rogue psionic abilities”
manifest themselves as Religion in our world.
Hmmm.
But that energy/force can be used as a tool for good or ill… and in
the past has been used as an instrument of social change and methodical
segregation, discrimination, control and genocide of minorities. So I for one, take a positive attitude
towards Religious disbandment… I believe the spirit of love and understanding
so often associated with Religious Dogma can transcend organized religion… and
I am looking forward to the disolvement and dissolution of organized religion,
and a release of those human emotions and aspirations back to the Human race as
a whole… instead of to “like” isolated groups.
I guess that’s why I cannot align myself with any Religious
order. Hmm… again, how did I get
here? Oh well… my journal I guess, can
write about whatever I want here.
God Bless America… land of the free. And I am thankful for being alive… and the continuing discovery
of who and what I am. It’s not always
nice, and it’s not always painful… it is life as I know it, and it is mine… no
one may take that away from me. I am my
own keeper, my own judge… I can only do my best to integrate myself with those
around me… and if they can’t hack it, that is their loss and problem… I am
going to be considerate of their feelings, as I would hope they will be of
mine. But I cannot expect them to
understand my TS feelings, and I do not need their permission to have a good
life.
That’s quite a “Mission Statement”… oh well. Guess I best be getting a move on… almost Noon
on my day off here, and I don’t want to spend it all on the computer… that’s
what I do at work, and I’m not at work now.
Jan 17 – late
Well… another weekend comes to a close… I over-did the cosmetics
today.. heh. A few quick thoughts…
something about waiting and letting things run their course. As always… when you don’t have a choice you
don’t miss much… in other words you can’t steer a train… can only make sure it
doesn’t stop or jump off the tracks.
Jan 19
Oh… make it stop… make these feelings go away. Hi there… just me checking in… feeling
terrible. Like something is wrong
somewhere. It’s just shy of 7pm… and
I’m tired… don’t want to be on computer, don’t want to watch movie… don’t want
to do anything… want to cry I guess… want to take off my clothes and feel my
breasts… up against someone… and to be held.
I guess that won’t happen for a while I guess.
But I feel so upset… not really angry… but full of energy… endless
energy. When can I have fun? Ahahahah.
Oh well… said what I must… going to try to get moving again.
I’d like a normal life, please.
I’d like a normal life. I’d like
to be “just a man” who comes home, plays with the cat, kisses his wife, and
relaxes… but I’m not that… and I don’t have the opportunity for the reverse
right now… being the wife, having a loving husband and such. But I’m sick of this charade… tired of
playing “strait white guy” at work… tired of it.
I’m tired of wanting to throw myself at a guy at work… knowing that
he wouldn’t have me… but I feel love/lust for him… rather I just want to be
close to someone, is that so wrong?
I know I’m not going anywhere with this… I know that no solution is
going to pop up… but I just thought I would say it.
Jan 23
Where did the month go?
Well… there’s snow on the ground outside… and it’s a warm 72.5°F inside. I’m listening to Enigma’s new album “The
Screen Behind the Mirror”… and trying not to smear the nail polish on the
keyboard… takes a while to dry I guess.
I sort of woke up with nice visions of me more female… and once I
woke up enough to realize what I was doing… well, the ATD, TWB, and something
else came in and crashed down quickly.
I’m trying to find a term for the 3rd deal… I think I’d have
to call it “So-What-Do-I-Do-in-the-Meantime?”… that’s SWDIDitM… kind of a long
one. SWdidRN? SWAN? Heh. SWARN?
I could go for that.
So-What-About-Right-Now? Okay.
SWARN. So what about right
now? That feeling of “okay, I’m TS”…
when you’ve “come-out” to your folks and friends, you are crossliving everyday…
and the only thing keeping you from “transitioning” is a lack of money to pay
for it.
I guess what pops into my mind is “count your blessings”… in other
words I should be happy I can do what I want, and just “take the A”… another
powerfull word string from my past… where in high school you meet people who
get strait A’s and complain that they are not challenged enough in school. With some I just wanted to say “hey
sceezics, just shut the fuck up and take the A”… yikes!
Okay… a short phone chat with Mom and some breakfast later, I’m
back. Had a quick thought last night
that I wanted to write about… the idea I wonder if TS people are “chosen” of
sorts to experience and question life.
I’m not so sure if it’s a TS thing, but as a TS, well… I need to start somewhere. I guess it may be more practical to just
talk about my self I suppose. Perhaps I
should say I was “chosen” to experience the TS deal to understand a bit about
life and such.
What got me started was listening to the Enigma 4 album and I
realized how much I like challenging, or at least probing the norms of our
society. Ten years ago when I was on
Premarin… well, I feel like there was far more challenging to me back then… TS
stuff was so unknown I suppose. So unlike today… or at least it seems that
way to me. I mean I have 4 TS working
in my building alone… and even at the AD&D game last week someone made a
comment about TS stuff… I feel like either I’ve been living in a cave, or
society has accepted more about TS.
So, in light of that, I wonder if I was chosen for this role… and
perhaps given the “gift” of exposition… prolific expression to write about
it. I guess I’m just curious… perhaps
I’d like a reason why I am the way that I am.
I’d rather feel justified I suppose… I’d rather have a reason to back me
up than to just say “this is what I feel”… which I have done for so long.
But I wonder again if I am to observe something, or make comment on
life… sort of foster some understanding between people. Perhaps.
My ego would like to think so.
Oh well.
Jan 25
Like the snowflakes that danced across my face as I walked home, so
many feelings cascade before my mind… filling my life with quiet discontent…
and curiousity. I sit here slightly
cold… the heat on… there’s snow falling outside, and my feet are a bit
cold. I am curious what’s up today…
with me.
It’s not been a normal thing for me to think about how fast I would
have to ram my car into an Interstate support pylon to make sure I would die in
the process… or to wonder if the only serrated knife I have is big enough to
puncture my abdomine and allow me to commit seppuku… I mean why these feelings
that life would be better for me if it wasn’t.
To the rational that does not make sense.
I’ve been unhappy for a few days.
Not sure when it started… perhaps for a small time now. I am glad to be making it… that is to say
having enough money for rent and such.
Perhaps I am looking beyond rent… beyond what I need to survive. Crazy how we are/not satisfied with what we
have… always looking towards the future.
All TS stuff aside… there are things that I would like. Perhaps I am a bit grumpy because I cannot
have…
Jan 29, 8:14pm
Saturday night… no one around.
8pm… I’m kinda lonely, kinda sleepy.
Me again… later. I fell
asleep at about 8:30… and woke up at about 11:30… so I’m up a bit late. Had a few thoughts… don’t know if they will
amount to much. It amazes me lately how
I can have an idea… and by the time the computer warms up I’ve either forgotten
it or am too sleepy to write it all out.
I wonder where my energy has gone… the drive I suppose. I have much to live for… I am happy to be
alive right now… even if a bit tired.
From what I have said in the recent past, so much of my own transition
is hinged on three things… I have direct control over 2 of the 3… those being
my own “struggle” with being overweight, and the obstical of feminizing my
voice to a level I feel comfortable with.
The third tranition aspect I have some input into… and that is my
finances… I can alter my spending a bit to save a little bit of cash… right now
it’s nothing to write home about… but I am trying.
I guess over the course of the last month my life has changed
again, and now I am working hard a Widgets and exploring either being a better
technical writer/production specialist, and a possible middle manager or
sorts. Both can lead to elevating me to
a better financial position. But I
want to add that I have not forgotten my TS roots or plans for the future. The only closest pioneer I can find is
Andrea James… I remember reading somewhere that James had to work for 3 years
so that Andrea could come to be. I
think I’m on the 5 year plan. So… as I
mentioned before… SWArN and all that… dealing with the here and now is what is
on my mind… as Master Yoda says… focus on the here and now.
And I guess that is my life for a while. Tommarow will be the first chance I’ve had in about a fortnight
where I could “dress to the nines” if I wanted too… the way I feel right now
I’ll end up in my knock-arounds… I must have gotten my money’s worth out of
that blue granny skirt by now.
I guess what got me thinking is how comfortable I felt in bed a few
hours ago… I had eaten some dinner at about 7:30… two helpings of Hamberger
Casserole… just prior I had played out some trial combat simulations of my RPG…
I guess as I was laying in bed I looked over and saw the new digital drums… and
I realized how precious life can be… not so much over the material things… but
just how much I did in fact want to be alive.
That contradicts with what I have felt in the past. I hope that during my next round of
depression I can think back to tonight… and the few moments that I enjoyed
living… being no one in particular… just enjoying warm coffee within me… and
writing this all out.
Over the 27+ years of my existence on this plane, from time to time
I wonder “how I got here”… maybe that is not so important… other in that I can
be thankful for being alive. I’ve got a
warm bed… in this cold winter that means a lot. And with my job at Widgets I don’t have to be so worried about
work. I guess I am experiencing a
certain amount of relief in knowing that so long as I work hard, and continue
to be myself, I will succeed. I am
thankfull for the gifts of life that I have been given so far.
10:14pm
Well… another weekend almost to a close… I’m here in blue… t-shirt,
skirt… and purple panties/bra… heh.
Hard to believe another day has passed.
Spent bulk of day on-line downloading files… and playing drums between
checking in on computer. Did bang-up
job on cosmetics too… I think I like liquid liner for tops and pencil for
bottom. Liquid on the bottom seems to
make my eyes run. And for some reason
the Almay pencil is good at the lower… comes out too thick a line on the
tops. I find I can shape the upper
eye-lids… better control with the liquid… Maybellene’s new stuff. Oh well… another night alone.
I guess I should say something TS related… but I guess I don’t have
much. It’s Superbowl Sunday… which I
don’t care too much about… don’t know if that’s a gender thing.