July 19 98 – 9:47am

To keep sane I have to have a plan… otherwise I think I will be wasting my time. I know that I don’t have to make a decision right now… that is to say that I could do nothing. I don’t have to stop imagining I have breasts or exploring myself living as a woman, and I don’t have to be committed to seeking hormone therapy. To be honest… I don’t have to do a thing… and of course all I want right now is to rest.

Comes with the territory I guess. Strange to be feeling so much anti Ts one day, and pro Ts another. Makes me doubt everything I guess. But… if we are in a constant state of creating reality, then by me choosing a path, and sticking with it, I can alter reality. Does that mean if I sit here and say “I am woman…and one day I will have breasts”… that it will come true? Am I just deluding myself? I only know what in life we have choices to make. I close my eyes and I just feel like me… no one… neither man nor woman. Maybe that is just the way things will be… and I won’t do anything along the Ts route. But, just keep in mind, however, that I don’t exactly feel comfortable with women, and the same can be said in a way for men. Sort of in-between. I am drawn to the idea of being a wife… a woman who lives with a man. Will that happen?

July 22 98 – 10:42pm

I decided to pursue therapy for my Ts feelings. I feel silly right now. How many times have I been on the Ts bandwagon? I get close, then back away. Well, I have gone to see a counselor, and at this point I am going to take things on a day-to-day basis. Part of me doubts, part of me fears, part of me rejoices. Sounds like things are normal. Tomorrow I am thinking about asking the doctor if he’ll put me on hormones. I figure the worst he can say is no… but at least the wheels are spinning.

It’s a unique feeling to be at a place where you can make a difference in your life. I’ve felt like I wanted to be a girl for so long I forget/remember things. Part of me asks if I could be happier just staying the way that I am… a woman in a man’s body… just be gay… or strait… get married to a woman and such… for right now… I don’t think so, as I would be envious of her in our relationship. In all of my relationships I have crossdressed and fantasized about being a woman… beyond dressing… to want ‘to be’… rather than emulate. To be the real me, which is for sure somewhere between the male/female spectrum.

July 25 1998 – 7:55am

How strange it is to be living in an empty house. And, not knowing what the future holds. I mean that because I don’t know my money situation… well… things are frozen for the time being… so I am kool on the short term. But… I have not gotten word one from UF about money for the fall. I don’t know if I can pay my medical bills… but heck they can’t take what I don’t got… right? But… here I am thinking about getting on estrogen. And, I know that means added expense in seeing Dr. Therapist, Dr. Medical, and Dr. Endocrinologist. There will be a blood test, then prescription costs. This is all based on 1993’s experiences. Can I afford it? I don’t know. But, part of me thinks I can’t afford not to do it. I got two phone calls yesterday on job leads… will I go work, will I go back to school… will/when can I transition?

I am tired of waiting… waiting for the right time to do things. I guess that is why I want to start to do as much RLT as I can… just so I can feel I am doing something along the lines… getting experience and seeing if this is me. Learning what it is like to have long fingernails and how to care for them…. And of course the hair zapping. All of these things are progress towards a larger goal.

Maybe my feelings of womanhood are misconceptions of what it is to be a guy/gal… and by living the duality I will find something I did not see before. Like the fact that the joys/pains of life are the same no matter what is between your legs. People, regardless of their gender, suffer.

It is more along the lines of gender issues when you encounter difficulties with the solely man/woman things. Menstruation, pms, sex. Sure, there are the social elements as well. Last night I was feeling bad for the woman on the anime because the guy was not treating her well, or as I would like to be treated by him… me…the woman inside. Before I looked at myself… I want to say ‘accepted I was Ts’… I would feel the same way but get sad because I could not accept the feelings… and feel I was wrong in some way. Meanwhile my friends would be whistling at the girl’s breasts or something. Same situation, different experience.

When Orlando (movie of the same name) was transformed into a woman… she said ‘I am the same person, just a different sex.’ Dustin Hoffman’s character from Tootsie said ‘if you can love me as a man, the same as you loved me as a woman, then you will see me as both.’ Tip/Ozma from The Wonderful Land of Oz said ‘I am a girl now, but I hope you’ll still see me as the same old Tip… but I am… different now.’ Each of these things say that a person is the same under the wrappings of sexuality… and it’s a misconception to think that our lives will somehow be different under the new gender circumstances… they may well be… but not to expect it.

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