July 19
Hello… just dropped off my Mom at the air-port… came
home, took shower, broke out the skirt, etc. Whew. Feel like
I want to chat a bit. I can still “feel” like she’s around… nice
feeling. We had a good visit. At one point she even borrowed
my nail polish to re-do hers. Seemed like there were a few
gender-related conversations. She even mentioned that she was still
‘kool’ with my plans. Of course I’m still looking at waiting 34 months
to get started on stuff. But at least she knows.
One thing she did ask me about was surgery… she wondered
if I could handle the pain. She also wondered if it was “right” to
alter a “natural” configuration of organs. She also wondered if I
really wanted all the negatives of womanhood… drooping boobs and menopause.
Not so much could I hack it, but why invite all that stress into my life.
I had a few replies, but the one that seemed to come
back again and again is that I did not think I had a choice in the matter.
I feel a rest-less within me that I think will be present until I do experience
more of transitioning. I think that’s it, to be honest. The
pain is intense, but I wonder how that compares to all the pain of life
so far, in feeling like a woman and not having the right sex organs.
I guess that’s about it. I also sent some email to the kind nice
lady who phoned 911 for me last year at this time. Just wanted to
thank her.
July 20
Me again – later. I had not taken a hot bath for a long while…
it felt good. Feel like I should write something. I don’t know
what. I feel like I lived today… if that means anything. I
guess it does. I can remember it being about this time last year
that I got it in my head that with credit cards I could pay for electrolysis
and such. I think I was on that bandwagon till about a week before
school started. I think I hit upon the idea that I needed to see
if school was for me or not.
Now… today… well, I am about one month from Grad school.
A selling point is that I’ll be making more money per year when I get done,
so I can start “Special Project K” sooner. Hard to realize at times
that I have taken a step ahead. I told my Mom that I was curious
to see what would pop up over the next 3 years to keep me from transitioning
down the line. I don’t think that’s pessimism… just me wondering
about the future. I guess the obvious is that if I am not making
enough money to pay for electrolysis right away, then I’ll do it when I
can. Ideally I want to shoot for 4 hours a week… that way a year
later I can seek out hormones with a cleaner face. At $50 an hour,
however, that is $200 a week… $800 a month. Will I make that much
money?
July 23
I still would like to be a woman all over. I would
like to sound more female on the phone. I’m wondering about tomorrow.
I don’t really know what to do with myself… tired of all the diversions,
but what else can I do? I really don’t mean to complain… no complaints.
I did updated my budget to include hormone therapy, so I know I can do
it… all is set for “Special Project K.” I guess I am just sitting
here and feeling lonely. In many ways feel like the Boy in the Bubble…
have everything I need here, which is nice. But I don’t want to go
outside ‘en femme’… not that I would anyway… hmm. Guess I would like
some companionship… don’t know what/how. It’s more than just TS stuff.
A name for me would be Robin… I envision myself as being
an androgynous person… at a glance could not say male or female… this is
the ‘just am’ of my existence. I grew into this role… a compromise
of necessity and desire. I don’t know if I will remain through the
transition. My best guess is that Karen will take over… for the time
being she has no real face or dimension… other than she is a culmination
and precipitation of my waiting female childhood and adolescence.
I imagine when the time is right she will take seed and grow quickly into
a young woman. At some point perhaps we shall merge and the lines
of discernment will get blurry… perhaps concluding in a synthesis.
I don’t know… these are my feelings and I’m doing my best to share them.
So me sitting on the couch in the darkness… starting
to cry a bit and not knowing why. Like a concerned parent I gave
Karen a hug and asked her what was wrong… why were we crying. In
the sniffle-sniffle-talk-sniffle fashion of young children she just sobbed
a bit and said she was lonely. I held her close and tried to coo
her a bit… told her all would be okay. I cried a bit too… and I guess
that’s it. I’m waiting for things to cool down a bit. I don’t
know what tomorrow holds… have many things I could be doing. I don’t
want to stay cooped up here all day… perhaps I can come up with a compromise?
Hmm.
July 24
One concern of my Moms is that I waste my life… which
I can see up to a point. But perhaps as John Lennon said “Life is
something that happens to you while you do something else”… which for me
means that yes I want to be more of a woman, and yes I want to live more
as a woman, but I’m not going to do it by sitting in the dark. I
will be going to school, and working on plays for the next 5 years… and
beyond.
But if I think for a moment… there really is not much
that I do outside of my apartment anyway. I do like to go to the
park, and I do like to exercise, but on average I am your “inside” type
of gal… so I’m not really loosing much anyway… if that makes much sense.
Another thing is that I am in a unique period… no classes
going on, and no real outside diversions. I’m trying to think about
what I used to do for fun… seems like it was a declining bit of activities…
I don’t enjoy computer games as much as I used too, and the same can be
said of my old stand-by of Anime. So I feel that my own interests
are changing a bit… and perhaps those are outside the realm of being gender
related. I feel comfortable to cook and clean… the domestic things.
But what do adults do for fun? They exercise, watch TV, read… perhaps
play an occasional game of something. Couples I guess have a level
of interaction both physical and emotional beyond what single people can
do.
July 26
Had a curious observation… guess it was being able to
shave in the morning and watch the stubble grow so to speak. I used
the lightest foundation this morning… so as the day went on and the “five
o’clock shadow” made it’s way out… it was very obvious. But, even
as late as bed-time I can look in the mirror and still see myself.I tried
to do about 2 minutes of voice stuff… I could not get my voice to bend
much. I am starting to loose faith about results. I know I
have a long time to go… no real rush on things… won’t need a female voice
till 2004… but you know what it’s like to see yourself developing… looking
better. And the voice just is not there yet. But what else
can I do?
Whew. It’s nearly the end of 1999. I’m looking
at May 2003 for the start of electrolysis, and May 2004 perhaps for estrogen.
An option is to wait a year then so I get it out of the way before estrogen.
I think in the end it is going to be saving up for SRS that will push that
back. I know there is a 2 year waiting list of sorts… but it will
take time to get the money for the operation. Bummer. You can’t
pull $15k out of thin air. Would SRS before 40 be a good goal?
Wish I could do something… I know I’m not whining… oh well.
July 27
Well… near the end of my wits, I suppose… sort of waiting
for that second wind to come around. Chance brought me in contact
with a post-op picture… and it’s all I can think about… tick-tick-tick
goes the clock. I don’t want to whine, and I think I’ve said everything
before… tick-tick-tick. Seriously… I want to be more female than
I am… what else is there to say? I hate to sound repetitive… I hope
I can make it… I’m sure all will happen when it is supposed too… but you
know what it is like to wait. Even in light of the post-op images…
I’m ready… just waiting for $$$… know what I mean?
July 29
I’m tired of all this shit. Tired of waiting.
Tired of being ready. Tired of the self-analysis. I’m
a seed waiting for the right time to germinate. When, when, when?