June 2 1998 - 10:16pm

Heh... a wonderful night this is... even if my bra strap keeps ridding up my chest. To say that men were not built for bras would be a 'duh?!?' statement, but it's true. Without the fleshy stuff to anchor it down, a bra has no reason to not slowly climb it's way up a fellow's chest.... just my observation, folks.

June 20 98

hello there... oh... I don't know what's up with me today. I woke up embracing the bed... like it was a big person who would hug me. I did not make it three steps out of bed before I felt so alone... so I reached for my skirt, bra, blouse, and make-up bag and got dressed. I don't know why. I just feel better right now. I know I'm just sleepy. I worked long yesterday.

How do I feel? It's like I'm not sad... I'm not happy. Maybe it's just because I just got up... I don't know. It is kinda dreary outside. There are some forest fires out of control in the city next-door. Last night the air smelled like sulfur... burning wood.

Looking back, I must say that I have changed much since March... that being the time I came home and decided I was not going to enter the teaching field. I remember some of the more memorable students... the good and the bad. There's still some fear-- "do I really want to enter the software development field"... much like my feelings on theater production. The answer is yes to both. I guess that's why I should feel lucky that if one does not work out, I have the other.

I'm trying to think back... it seems like my transsexual feelings and my unhappiness with life are paired up. I've had ts feelings all my life. At my core I believe myself to be transsexual, however I don't have the option right now for hormones and a biological change.

June 23 98

Well... I am an official employee of the University again... can you believe it?

June 26 98

Why do I feel so bad... so depressed... hello... there's no body calling... I'm thinking about killing myself... I wonder how long it would take for a human body to loose all of it's blood? I don't know... I don't feel like I've got much to live for... nobody needs me... nothing is working out here. I'm tired of trying... trying to cope with all my feelings. Why bother? I don't know... sometimes life isn't fair. Why bother?

Note:

Perhaps one day I will remember the sequence of events that lead me to popping the sleeping pills in my mouth. I can remember sitting there on the computer... drinking the last of the vermouth I had. I was feeling sorry for myself, then I got angry at myself for so much self pity. On a whim of emotion, I decided for death. The rational side made a good case against such an action... but the emotional was so strong.

Looking back... it had really been a few days of darkness in my life. I don't think any one thing lead to another. But, at this time I had allowed myself to be deluded into thinking that a lady friend and I were going to settle down, and that we had created something between us... and it came falling down before my eyes... I was mad at myself for lying to myself. I felt like I was not going anywhere... I had been intent on getting out of the college town and atmosphere. Ironic that one day previous I had gotten hired at two jobs, no? I think another element was that I wanted to be a woman so badly, I felt there was no way out... and in a drunken state, well... a very spiteful side said okay... let's do it.

When asked why I did it... I said that I felt that my goal of transition and surgery were so far distant as to be unachievable, and no one wanted to understand. My family could not hack it, and I was doomed to live a life of being alone. I had proof of such things... my own oscillation between being ts and not, my failed relationships, my failures in finding and keeping a job... it had gotten all to be too much for me, and I surrendered.

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