June 1 99

I had a thought whilst in the tub… sort of a mixture of wanting more than I could have and being afraid to ask for it. There is an un-planned for respite when you would like something you can’t have right away. No matter how you feel about it, you accept it in time. For me, it is waiting about 36 months for me to graduate and get a job. For sanity sake, I have not been entertaining doing electrolysis until I am out of school. It’s sort of a self-imposed blocking of some desires. For me it is better to put things out of my reach when I can’t have them all. If that makes sense… it may explain why I am hesitant to send email to the local TG support group. I don’t know if that makes me a weasel or not. But, I do know my own life has stabilized, and I don’t want to deal with any more repression than I have too. Oh well… just my current feelings.

Me- later. Actually had some time tonight to get spiffy! I have a long skirt that does not allow much leg room.. neat. *yawn* What can I tell you? I spent the afternoon reading my play, then I took a nap. I slept very nicely, very much at peace. When I woke up, all I could think about was what a woman I was… how much I liked who I was, where I was going. Keep in mind that I am currently not on any drugs… all I am doing is wearing whatever I feel like… but just laying in bed… I felt so much at peace. Anyway, I got out of bed… reached for my undies and clothes… and as I did my cosmetics I really started to think I was cute... it was a strange sensation.

June 2

Another thought on my mind is my TS stuff… which not a day goes by I don’t think about it. But recently I have told myself to ‘bag it’ and move on… meaning not to deliberate about what is, and what isn’t… and more so not to waste time trying to build a future life… I have a present one to deal with. Why sign away 3 years for being a woman one day… why not live those 3 years and be happy doing so?

Electrolysis, Hormones, and Surgery will fall into line when the time is right… can’t rush them. It’s easy to say, but hard to do. Seems I repeatedly say that. Hmm. Oh well… better to get out of bed and switch to automatic… take a shower, dry off, reach for the bra, get dressed, eat, and then ponder what you want to do today. I guess I should do that rather than lay in bed and try to plan out my day so I can maximize bra-time. But, I guess that is all part of the ‘real life quiz’ I suppose.

Me again – later. Well, I got up, ate some breakfast, and started to do some cleaning. On a whim, I phoned up L at DD, seems he’s back and will call me back later. Yikes! Guess this thing is going to happen? We shall see… doing things seems to help, by the way. Seems today if I tell my inner voices to take a hike… and that it does not matter what I wear (ala ‘if you’re not wearing women’s clothes, you’re not a woman’). I mean really… I want to go out and see the world a bit… you know what I mean? Hmm.

Me again – later. I’m on AOL waiting to see if my Mom checks in or not. We were supposed to rendezvous last night, but she never logged on… oh well. I had the niftiest evening… cleaned out some of my old files. Found some pictures of me from 1989… and some scattered through time. I shuddered a bit on the floor… looking at myself on my way to get married… and here I was all nice and comfy in my skirt and such… how things change. I’ve decided that black will be my official panty-hose color. Perhaps I just like the way my legs don’t look so big and bulky… heh…

June 3

I’m not at ease today, I guess it is not knowing. Also, when I got up I found a streak of nail polish on a finger that I must of missed last night. I started to get a bit pissy about hiding things… but then I remember that it is my choice not to let the locals in on me… and that is my choice. Rather than get pissy either don’t paint them at night, don’t whine when it comes time to take them off, or just do it and let the world guess what’s going on. I guess I’ll do what I need to do to feel comfortable with myself and be at peace with those around me.

Me again- later. I feel so stupid in a way… had a nice chat with a 31 year old TS who just had surgery… why do I do this to myself. I guess it’s something I want so much… sort of drawn to it. But yikes! What a feeling of isolation and dread. It’s like… I have to wait… nothing new I suppose. But whew… oh well… I’m going to go do something fun…

June 5

I’ve been told it’s a falsehood to believe that surgery will cure me. I would agree with that up to a point. When confronted with how lonely I will be down the road, I wonder if that means more than I am right now? My time here is alone all the time. Hard to imagine it getting worse. I suppose being shunned and ostracized at the grocery store and at work would add some negativity to the idea of TS life down the road for me. But as someone who is alone, has been alone… well… hard to imagine it gets worse. All this aside, I had a nice evening… did my fingernails… watched a movie.

Perhaps I am lacking in that there is no man who will tuck me in… kiss me goodnight. Would I take him were he here… who would know… I intend to find out should the opportunity present itself. I feel like a girl who does not want to be known as a slut, but one who knows if they don’t make themselves available soon, they will loose whatever youthful lure they have. Oh well… experience tells me to get off the computer, so I will sign off here.

June 10

The past few days at the shop have been at my discretion… which is nice… gives me a chance to do things as I see fit. And, the nights have been nice as well… I’m sure there comes a point where women get tired of skirts and hose… but not me… not yet. I hope to comment on that again within five years when I’m “full-time”-ing things. Seems like “full-time” really is a misnomer… don’t know what would be better. As with diets, I would rather do lifestyle changes that become permanent. “Full-time” sounds like your holding something back… oh well.

Not much else to say… I have not shaved yet this week… so while I am flopping around with my hair in pig-tails, cute as I could be, I have a nice beard… heh. What imagery. Heh. Well… guess I should go and run my errands before work. I’ve noticed lately that I don’t smile much. I can’t really say why. I think some of it may be me realizing that while I am in the best environment I have ever been in, I still won’t be doing the electrolysis/hrt for 5 years. Sort of depressing. I could bend a bit on that… but to be honest I am tired of hoping for the best. I’d rather count on the worst and be surprised when things happen early.

My past is littered with episodes where I think I am going to do hrt, or I am going to go ‘full-time’… and something happens to really shake me up. Perhaps I’m as shook-up as you can get… but I’ve realized for me the best thing to do is make a plan that no-one can shake, no-one can alter… no surprises. In three years time I graduate with my Masters, get a job, and then make some decisions as to where the money goes. I’ll have about 60k in debt then… so I figure the first two years will be bumpy. But sometime in there I will start electrolysis, and do that for at least a year before I consider any form of HRT.

Can I hold out that long? I really don’t know… but I am going to try. As for financial matters, relationships, and all the other elements of life… I don’t have control over that as much as I would like. Oh well… hmm.

Whew… the effort it will take to get all the eye-liner off… and the remains of my fingernail polish… it’s worth it… I’m not whining… but the double side of my life… I want to merge them… perhaps that has been happening for a while… and I’m seeing the cohesion? I’m not sure. My hair is starting to get long enough not to be a nuisance. I hope that I will continue to be able to grow it out.

Whew… oh I want to be a woman still… I want to be a woman… please… one day I know… but oh do I want to be a woman right now!

June 15

A quick moment before work. I had a compelling call to the computer this morning. What’s up with me? I keep asking God that… what’s up with me? Here I am in the best place for me to live, doing a good job, learning my trade, etc… all of this and I feel like I am lacking something.

I wanted to get out of bed and get ready for work by reaching for a skirt and sweater… not my shop clothes. For a moment I wondered if working in the Scene Shop is what I want to do… when I could be a…. secretary? Yikes! Is this a mid-mid-life crisis or what? Were things anatomically different, I would reach for my painting clothes, just plus the bra… so it can’t really be the clothes.

Hmm… I don’t know what to say… it’s like I’m talking to a wall… everything I say just bounces back at me. Everything ‘should’ be perfect, and yet I don’t feel happy. I’m afraid to ask for more… I’ve known what it is like to have less… know what I mean? And I don’t want to be a broken record of sorts.

My body has decided to rebel as well… everything is tight all over. That, however, I can fix… with some stretches before work. I can’t seem to focus, however… it’s like everything… all my hobbies and activities don’t make sense anymore… and even though I can come home, and do whatever I want… I’m not happy there… it all comes back to SRS/HRT…. Blah. I guess I want a bit of a respite. But I don’t want to go buy more Anime, CDs, or even the sacred shoes I’ve been dreaming about… the flats I saw the other day at Payless. Even knowing how futile planning for SRS is… saving and such, I feel like I want more… hmm.

June 20 – Father’s Day

I never wanted to be a father… a mother, yes. Well… ‘tis 10:33am… and I’m set for the day… what to do next? I bought some new foundation the other day… it’s a wee bit too white I think… hard to tell. I keep looking at the mirror and say “is this my color… is this my shade?” Then I bounce back with “isn’t there something you’d rather do on a Sunday then comment on cosmetics? Heh. I wonder if women just do their best and then go on… course the easiest thing to do is to not do anything… may just be more my style. I don’t know. I had a girlfriend once who I thought wore no cosmetics… came to find out she had a real neutral toned sun-screen deal… which she wore every day. It was not beige in color… did not really cover blemishes and such… so I guess I’ll find out what to do down the road. I guess in the light it makes me more milky-white than I’m used too. Crazy… blah… let’s move on.

Me again… almost 8pm. I like having Sundays off… the way I spend my weekends I don’t mind going back to work on Monday… seems like the quicker time goes by, maybe quicker I’ll get to my goal… if I could have that goal this instant, it would be not only to ‘be a woman’, but to have a loving husband hugging me after a nice roll in the hay so to speak. I keep thinking about the last time I had sex… not erotic thoughts, just memories. I had gone down on a guy… and afterward just wanted some cuddling… but it did not happen. Hmm.

In life I’m always hesitant to think about more.. having more, because no matter how much you have or do, there’s always more to be had, or someone has less than you do. Good words of advice for post-ops who brag… and for pre-ops who whine… and for pre-pre-ops who just dream and desire. In time all things happen… all doors are opened and all questions answered. It just takes time. It is hard to remember that at times. As a change of pace, I’ve decided to spend the rest of the night ‘au natural’… meaning no bra or female clothes… just me in my old “standard” house outfit… boxers and a white undershirt… quite a change from the ‘real life quiz’ deal that I do 24-7.

I’m doing it for no real reason… I’m just curious what a night as ‘a male’ is… been so long since I’ve done it… of course I’m not 100% dedicated… my toe-nails are always painted, and I’m not going to remove the fingernail polish yet.

I feel like I’ve reached a plateau of sorts… I’m happy that all is well. Can see myself finishing up school and doing electrolysis in 3 years. I’m trying to enjoy life while I’m waiting… other than that… not much else to say.

June 22

Got frustrated yesterday with my fingernails… seems I can’t play the guitar and have “nice lady nails”… you can guess who won out… I imagine if I ever do give up the guitar I can let my nails come back in. Still… part of me goes “what… no long fingernails? Guess your not a real transsexual?” What? Heh. Fingernails does not a woman make. I guess the only perceivable difference is what’s between your legs. Women who experience breast cancer are still women. Hmm.

Things are going real good with my life… all things considered. I’m starting to question my expectations for myself… practical things. For the past month I have spent every possible moment ‘en femme’… I wonder how productive that is… it feels great, but I just wonder how good it is mentally for me… daily reminders of what I don’t have… breasts, thighs, clit… sort of depressing. The deconstruction of what I am seeking more of.

I’ve realized it’s not an issue of wanting to be a woman, but rather wanting to be more of a woman… perhaps to be as much as a woman as I can be. But from my status point, unless I win the lottery this is where I will operate from for the next 3 years. Happy to do so… would I want more? Yes. Hmm. There are only so many ‘buffer’ times in one’s day… times when you can drop your guard and such. I still want to develop my breasts and body into more female proportions and design. I also recognize that I don’t want to waste my off-time shifting between reality perceptions.

Granted, it only takes 20 seconds to de/bra oneself. But how many women you know wear bras if they can avoid it? I guess that’s what I’m talking about. It’s not when friends come over… or family. I’m referring to the quiet times of isolation, meditation, and relaxation. Hmm. I guess as in all things, I am only competing with myself. And, what I think is the most important in matters governing my life. Since I have 3 years to wait, I could pack up everything I own and store it… and three years from now break out the box and use the stuff like I do now in my every-day life. Either way I get from point A to point B. Another approach is just to do whatever I want to do, follow my heart, and things will work out.

I guess I just don’t want someone to read this and say “well, at this point he realized that he wasn’t transsexual, so he stopped dressing like a woman everyday”… because that’s the farthest form the truth. I think there is no minimal dressing requirement to be a woman… other than anatomical limitations from breast size. My chest is flabby enough to support a bra on it’s own right now… which is why I’ve been wearing one every day for the last month. I don’t think not wearing it negates my transsexual feelings. Hmm.

Well, to go on further would waste my time, so I’ll stop here. I sincerely hope to comment on everything said today down the road when I am a ‘fully transitioned nu-woman’… and see how things are looking back. Until then… I go onward.

Me again… later the same day. Whew. Amazing how feelings run deep… and also consequences. Something was itching me wrong all day… could not put my finger on it. As a last resort, I decided I would get back ‘en femme’ again… something more than normal… have not worn this outfit for a while… and rather than shower after work I changed clothes, so my hair is still dry and poofy… and you know I feel better? I don’t think going back to women’s clothes had something to do with it… maybe just more me. Hmm. Wish I could isolate those feelings and precipitate them.

Okay… well, I’m not going to stay on long… but I did want to write things down. I hope what I wrote today is not too contradictory… I’m just writing down what I feel. Okay… moving on.

Me again – later. It got too hot for the clothes I was wearing so I cut it back to a simple T-shirt, bra, and boxers. That’s the fashion update… heh. Well… the hair that I shaved off my arms/legs a few weeks ago is coming in full again. I don’t know if I’ll leave it alone, shave it, or bleach the hairs… so many choices. Time went by quick… hard to know exactly where it went. I don’t watch videos anymore… can’t sit still in front of the TV long enough… I imagine it’s because I don’t have anything new per se… and I don’t watch normal TV… don’t have cable.

Oh well.. just here, wishing I was more female than I am. That feeling does not go away. Guess that’s a sign of my sincerity. I do mean it… even if I have to wait 5 years for it. Hmm. Bummer.

June 23

What are these feelings? Hmm. One of my first desires upon waking was to get some loving from the non-existent person in bed with me… a caress, a hug, a kiss. I found my hands on my breast and crotch area… one hand fondling my non-existent breast, and the other searching for the clit that I knew had to be down there… and when it found the other thing down there… well, it was hard… solid. This is not meant as an erotic vision, just what was happening. And, as I came out of the dream-like state of sleep… I realized I was alone, and an inner voice said “and you will be for a long time, so get used to it.”

Who could combat such a prediction… it was not long before I was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling… an old pair of boxers wadded next to me… and I was upset. My ejaculations come from visions of me having sex with a man after I have SRS… and afterward my doubts about finding someone popped back in.

So I’m laying there… thinking about getting up and getting dressed, looking over to the chair where I got ready for bed last night… therein was boxers and my bra… and part of me just wanted to cry… I was so impatient. My cold rationality failed… only so many times you can say “one day”, or “give it up”… you know? Anyway… after stepping out of the shower I realized that what I needed to do was turn on the computer here and write down my feelings.

What would I tell a therapist? I would say I’m feeling impatient… I know what I need to do to get to my goals of electrolysis, hrt, and srs… but I’m having trouble waiting. The only solution I can think of is to get busy… buy a lottery ticket… and wait.

Me again – later. Well… what is a single pre-pre-op mtf transsexual to do on a night off? Heh… more than just sit here I think. Oh well… bought the right shade of eye-liner for me… don’t look like a tramp when I wear it. Back wearing bra, boxer, and t-shirts… to hot for a skirt. Saw a deer and doe at the park today… thought they looked cute.

June 25

Well… it was about a year ago that I opened a bottle of sleeping pills and tried to die. For whatever reason it was not meant to be. A year later, I sit very comfortable in an apartment in Kentucky… where I get to do whatever I wish, and I am surrounded by laid back people… in a far more open-minded and accepting community. Everyone up here knows me as my current self… no past bits of the old me about. Hmmm.

Looking in the mirror, I like what I see… we are our hardest critics. For a good moment I feel like everything is in it’s place, and God willing everything will swing my way in a few years… I can only depend upon myself to provide the money it will take for my goals. Only me. I spent a bit today going through and updating my budget… since I’m going to be here for 3 years I needed to get things in order.

In retrospection, I have come a long way… although I think surviving on a day-to-day basis is merit enough for a hearty handshake. And, even though when I finish this I’ll need to change clothes and clean the cosmetics off my face…. for a night of carousing with what I hope will become new friends… well, we’ll see what happens. Still… whew. It’s important to keep in touch with others. I guess I miss that element in my life.

I choose not too leave my apartment wearing my bra… I choose not to explain to those around me who I am… I see no need too. Yes, there is a longing, particularly on a night like tonight, where I want some company… someone to sit with on the couch… someone to hold me… and perhaps someone to kiss. I am about to meet 5 new people. I’m not ready for them to meet me yet 100%… I still plan to act the same… but without the stuffed bra and skirt. Guess that’s okay. Hmm. Perhaps one of the guys I meet tonight will be understanding, or will find me attractive, or will want to be my friend… or more than friends. Perhaps. Guess I should not hope so… but I can’t help it… guess I am a woman… no, a person who desires fulfillment. Well, I like to think a woman too… but you know how that goes. Oh well.

June 26

Well, another day here stuck in my room. I don’t mean that mean… I could, if I chose, go out and do something… Kentucky is blessed with more things to do for out-doorsy type folk than any state I’ve lived in… could easily go on down town if I wanted to do indoorsy type stuff. But, when I got up this morning I reached for my bra, a cup of coffee, and made my way to the couch. Therein I watched about an hour of stuff… could read, drink coffee, etc… thought I would make my way here to the computer and jot some thoughts down.

I still want to continue down the TS path. I guess that’s nothing new. What’s up with me? Well, as my hair continues to grow out I’m looking more like I want too. Sometimes I go to the mirror and I like what I see… other times not. It’s sort of like looking at an object at different angles… if that makes any sense. My hair, if left undone, well… if the bang strands go a certain way you’ve got full view of my receding hair-line. At other times, the wild hair goes over itself in a way that hides my hair-line and makes me look more female. My current hair standby is pulling the bang stands back in a way that covers over the receding spots and looks more female.

Like I said, I’ve noticed that at some points I walk by the mirror and I see a blossoming women, and at other times it’s a guy in a bra… if that makes much sense. I can go and come-back and see something different.

Me again, later… I don’t have much to say… perhaps I’m starving for some attention. I’m tempted to go take a shower, take off my nail polish, and go for a walk… wish I could stay the way I am and go outside… my choice not too, I know. Perhaps I am just bored?

Me again… later. Took a really hot bath… watched a video, made pancakes… I’ve deiced to go off and do some driving… sort of get me out into the real world before heading on over to Andy’s Moms for gaming stuff. Again I wonder where I fit in… I guess where ever I want too. It’s an odd feeling to go into the bathroom after a shower and give yourself an approving nod… then you realize that there are traces of eye-liner still present… and you clean it off with a q-tip or something… in my past I was not too careful to remove it… I figured if anyone figured what it was they wouldn’t really say anything, plus I was not going to get Christmas cards from anyone anyway. Tonight I think I’ll play it safe.

I feel like I’ve reached a new plateau of sorts… sort of recognizing the limitations of this existence right now… I need to get out… can’t spend all my time cooped up on the weekends.

June 27

Well, another Sunday, and as the final one in June I’ll try to get back into posting my journals again on the web. Since I don’t work in the computer field anymore, it’s my free-time that gets spent updated the WebPages… and seems of late my computer use has slackened. My goal is to close up this month and post it today.

So… loyal reader, where am I today? A year ago I was waving my Mom good-bye, reassuring her as she left that I would not again do the suicide deal. I was washing my clothes I think, trying to get the blood stains out of them… sipping coffee and wondering what in the hell happened over that weekend. The blood was from where the ambulance people stuck the IV in me… not from any self-inflicted injury. I think I spent the majority of that weekend trying to make sense of it all. Life seemed cruel and uncertain at that time.

I had been making comments about killing myself… exploring the option since February of that year… and no one even noticed. I did not hint at it, I said it… told of my plans… directly. I sometimes wonder what would of happened that day had I gotten my Mom or my Sister on the phone. To be honest, I saw getting their answering machines as the “go light” from God to end it all. I did talk to my Grandmother (who died a few months ago from cancer) that day, but she wrote off my feelings… in the same fashion that everyone else did too. Even today that pisses me off.

Nobody gives a shit about what you do until you do try to kill yourself. Then people take notice and try to help… but it’s all bullshit… nobody gives a fuck about your gender problems… because it’s not as visible as a broken arm or a wheel-chair. And even then people only gawk because you’re a side-show freak, a symbol of how someone else is “not fucked up as you are”… people jump up about “how precious life is”… but don’t help you deal with your short-comings. I’ve learned that in America you are on your own… always. I hope one day our government sees gender dysphoric people like they do other disabled people… in need of legal protection and medical support. I hope, pray, and wish. But I’ve found the hard way that I can shit in one hand and wish in the other… one hand will get fuller faster. And that’s the world we live in… dealing with our own shit. Rather than spend an hour trying to get your cosmetics in-line so you can hop on-line and be in a chat-room…. Take that hour to get your own shit together. Instead of say how much you can’t transition because of money/wife/kids/religion/career…. Get a piece of paper and make a plan for your transition… and do it.

In my case after my suicide attempt I was back in my shit-hole in less than 10 hours… and everyone went away again… to them all was normal. Perhaps that was all that they could do. No one can wave a magic wand and change our genders… likewise no one is going to write me a check for my medical bills… at least not in America yet. I used to have a more reasonable perception of death, but friend take it from me, you don’t know what it is like till you try it. I don’t recommend it… I hope with the ut-most sincerity that death for you is a last option. But no one has any idea what it is like… and no one can comment on it unless they’ve felt so low that death is the best way out. It’s sort of like dealing with all these NRA toting bastards who fight for gun laws and the freedom to carry weapons. Half of those fuckers have never served their country, and of those never killed another person with a gun. They think it’s cool to have a gun… but as one who has served… a gun has one purpose, and one purpose only… to destroy… be it property or life. And that is a terrible thing. But I did not understand that till I saw someone die. Now… guns just piss me off… a symbol our times… where we are so fascinated with the preservation of life on one hand, and equally fascinated with destruction of life on the other. We spend so much money on learning how to keep people alive, and almost more on how to kill them.

But… that was a year ago. Oh well. One look out my window today wipes those bad memories and feelings away. It is a shame that here today in the United States we don’t consider transsexuals as serious as they do in other countries. I can’t imagine the government paying my way… would be like a dream come true. But, rather than get pissy about it, I think my life for the past year has been doing what I can do… what is possible for me to do… so I can achieve my goal of SRS down the road. Again, getting myself in a position so no one can take that away from me. I wish it was otherwise, but… oh well… what can you do but try to survive and succeed.

This past month I have been able to live each day as much “as a woman” as I can right now… dealing with every day the clothes, and even the cosmetics to a certain degree. Again, clothes nor cosmetics does the woman make, but it is an element… a variable in one’s own style and form of expression. With doing the ‘real life quiz’, I have discovered/chosen that there is a bit of reclusive behavior that comes alone with it… for the time being. Meaning if I choose to paint my fingernails, then I choose not to go outside. There was a day… a few weeks ago where I got out of bed early, and went to get gas… did not wipe my face… had all the cosmetic remnants from the night before… and luckily I did not meet anyone on my way out, while driving, or at the gas station. But I thought it was neat to see my fingernail polish in 100% day light.

Had I therapist, I would express to them that at this point in my transition (pre-pre-op that I am) I would say I am experiencing some isolation, and I have not found a balance for it yet. Perhaps in time I will. Whist some days are harder than others, I do accept and deal with the isolation. And, I realize it is my choice. I could go out ‘en femme’ and interact with people… but to be honest I have never been a social person… male or female. I guess I am happy. And, I can choose the degree of external female that I choose. I am thankful to be alive, and I guess my life is so very different than last year at this time… and I am thankful for that. As for the future, who knows? I play the lottery each week in the hopes of accelerating my goals of electrolysis, HRT… concluding in SRS down the road. I think now, more than ever, that I am in full control of my life, and my plans for transitioning are extremely realistic and achievable. All I need to do is be patient.

Back to Main Page