Mar 1 98 - 11:30am

I was sitting here working on stuff... and I think I have lost my incentive. I don’t know. As I sit here... I don’t know what I am working for. Is that strange, or what?

There was a time when I was so happy to see time pass because it was another day of the internship done... another day closer to freedom. But... now I am looking beyond that.... to what do I have to look forward too? I don’t know.

Mar 4 98 - 9:01am

It is weird to be here... in my Mom’s kitchen. Two days ago I was teaching 8th grade physical science, looking at entering the teaching profession. Now... nothing. I have not put much thought into it, but, I think my best bet would be to move to Orlando or Atlanta. I’d like to work at Disneyworld. I wanted to start to transition as well. I don’t know how feasible the second is, however, I do believe that a large source of depression with me is not transitioning, and I feel like I’d be knocking two birds with one stone. How wonderful and scary it is to be able to even consider HRT! Something I’ve wanted to do, and now in theory I could do it! Imagine that. I have concerns outside of TS stuff... namely money. But I’ll burn that bridge when I come to it.

Mar 5 98 - 7:30am

My Step-Dad and I had our usual counseling session yesterday. His main point was for me to stop looking for happiness in things. I also needed to get a job—it really did not matter what kind of job. Just to get out there. He also was very adamant about me not wasting time trying to decide about doing HRT or not. His main concern was that I would not be happy unless I did x, y, and z....

I realize this is a trap. The variables could be anything. It could be a car, a job, a girlfriend. For me it is the whole TS bag. I know I am transsexual, and I still have some doubts on that. The stock reply to that is “well, don’t do anything till you are sure, 100%, because you can never go back”. Heh... thanks for reminding me of something I already know, and adding more pressure there. No, I know I am transsexual... I can’t help it if the world ain’t ready for that... it is my life... and the person in the mirror.

When I was going to graduate from college, I got used to the idea that you went to the career fair with your resume, and you took a shotgun approach, looking at all the stuff you wanted to do. But, for the most part, you were groomed for a certain job. If you were a mechanical engineer, you might of specialized in material science, and therefore you would get a job with a company that does what you know. You’d interview once or twice, then you’d get the job. You’d get a check from the company to cover your moving expenses, then you’d move and buy your first round of shirts. You’d work for the company, and hey you made it!

9:18am

Hello again. I just read some ts stuff... I am clearing out my hardrive. I have some concerns. I think they will pan out as time goes on. They are the concerns of transitioning. I know I am TS. But what about my body? Women come in all shapes and sizes. Okay on that one. What about my voice? I just said that.... out loud. I have a male voice... nothing I am too proud of, but nothing I am ashamed of either. I just read an entry in the diary of Melanie Ann Phillips, a TS who I ordered a voice-technique tape from. Melanie developed the ability to switch between Melanie and Dave. The voices. I’ve heard/seen both people. Well, actually they are the same person, just different times in their lives.

Mar 11 98 - 8:43am

I can feel myself slumping toward a depression... I feel so worthless. I can get along with the idea of leaving school since I did not enjoy teaching. I don’t know... the job hunt is a new experience for me. I’m tired of hearing myself say that... perhaps I should shut up. But, it is on the back of my tongue that I wanted to start HRT... so I need to get a job that would allow me that. Heh... damn I hate myself sometimes.

Mar 13 98 - 8:24am

I feel like I don’t know who I am right now. I don’t think I am anyone. It’s easier being male than female. I can get out of bed and shower and be ready to tackle the day. I imagine the same would be true had I breasts... I don’t know. On a personality test I scored right in the middle. I don’t want to antagonize over it... I guess I’ll just be me and see what happens. I’m wearing my Christmas clothes again... heh. Women’s clothes can be more comfortable than men’s... heh. Mar 16 98 - 9:32am

I awoke last night with a start... it was about 3am, and I was on trial for something. I was defending myself... I was being forced to choose my gender. I had to fight to be considered a woman. I don’t feel like a woman today. It kinda pisses me off... what the heck is going on in my life? I don’t know. Perhaps with all the changes going on, our selves do not allow us to consider certain possibilities.

March 28 98 note:

The last week of March brought me a "possible" entry into the world of theatre, and an exit from the job I had held for 5 years. I was living in a world that had been crushed, and I did not know what it would take (or even if it was possible) to bounce back

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