Mar 7 99

I wonder how women sleep. I've slept with them, you know. For years on end. But how do they do it? With breasts, I mean. I slept in my stuffed bra one night… it did not seem to bother me… but women have breasts all the time… my 'breasts' slide up and down because they are not attached. Is that better, or worse? I don't know… but I intend to find out. I imagine they must, as some women go for breast augmentation… so there must be a tolerance level… heh. Is there technical specs on breasts… when is less not enough, and more too much… whoops… sorry. My profession is creeping up.

Mar 9 - Riddles in the Sand

I put on a robe, grabbed a cup of coffee and came into my room to read some of the documents I got from Tampa… I wanted to get an idea who's who down there. One of the ideas that jumped out at me from one of the papers was the idea that in my life I may of created a false-self… as a coping strategy… and it's possible that through transition my real-self may be actualized. That would mean that whoever I am at this instant… well, I may not be that way when I get further down the road… I mean the article gave me an impression that the two personas could be so different. Wow.

I try to imagine if there was a culmination of coping strategies… if that could have been a former self… and next to that is a woman… well, who I am to become. Where does that place me, the author of this tidbit?

Mar 11 99

Me again… later. I just finished up-loading a webpage for my folks… it advertises the Japanese silk art that my grandfather brought home with him from WW2. Whew. While waiting for the photos to develop at Target, I took some time and purused the women's section. I can remember two years ago walking into Target with my Mom and being present when her, my Grandmother, and my Sister started raving about a new brand of lipstick that had come out. I felt despondent and very much an outsider… while inside I wanted to try on the new shade. One of those GID experiences I guess. Then, last year about this time I went into Target to help shop for my niece, who was at that age then were she's a little girl who gets dressed up for Easter. You know-the Easter bonnet and such. And while the women of the family were putting my niece through the rack, I strolled around the women's department and just felt sad because I would not get to wear the clothes there. I especially noted the women's woven hats with the ribbons… whew. My weakness… ribbons and bows. Heh.

Well, I am sad to say that I don't fit into an off-the-rack 18… which sort of hurts my feelings. I'm rather well plump as a man… so of course am never going to fit into anything less than 'plus'… but it still took me back. I've been told that I can expect about a 30 pound loss of tissue during HRT. My question is what part? Another is when do I start to exercise. My contention with excessive "loose fat" exercise is that I don't want to build up man muscles… so I'm sort of waiting. But the fact that I was tight in an 18… yikes! Of course I was wearing a man's baggy T-shirt and boxers… both of which were scrunched and ruffled under the jumpers. So maybe that had something to do with things? I don't know. The long jumper fulfilled a long standing desire for me, and the short one made me look like an Ompa-Lompa. I think that's my "He-Man" body again trying to slide into something curvy and female.

Mar 13 - Back Home

After a long drive here, I'm back home. It's nice to be back here… and back to be able to wear what I want (yes, the nail polish is drying as we speak). I plan to relax and enjoy what is left of break. My room is in parts, but it's nice to just plop and relax. And it's nice to be back in a bra again. I wonder what I'll do when I go back down south? I guess I'll handle that when I get there.

During the drive I had a long chat with myself and God… just sort of going back over things and seeing how I feel. I still want to get on HRT. Not much else to say, other than I feel I'm ready to start to do some more transitioning. We'll see where that takes me.

Mar 14 - Spring Break ending

Today is the last day of Spring Break. I am slowly waking up. I've been in sort of a sad mood… hard to describe… it's like everything is painful… but my mood is changing. I think I'm feeling cheated out of a break… but at the same time I have the whole day off to do what I want (electrolysis… hot bath… read) so why be so gloomy? I'm not sure. Someone on the internet contacted me curious how I would feel about exploring some new sexual avenues… which I'm curious but I don't know if I could handle the mental strain right now… all I really want to do is eat some macaroni and cheese, do some zapping, and get my life in order (perhaps with a hot bath mixed in).

I did my domestic chores this morning, including a run to Wal Mart for a new osculating fan. Passing through the store I paused to look at the women's clothes and I just wanted to cry… I wanted to be there looking through the racks and finding out what looked best on me. I kept myself moving… because I am really saving everything right now to see what will happen with HRT. But just standing there wanting so much to be a woman and wear comfortable clothes… hard to describe.

I'm into cotton. I like cotton panties and jeans. On a rainy day like today I'd be wearing jean shorts and a sweatshirt… much like I'm doing now. But… there was something that stuck me deep while I was there in Wal Mart… looking over the sales racks… the shelves with the purses and even the section that had sweaters and scarves. That's where I want to be as soon as possible… buying clothes that not only feel good to me… but fit me in all the right places. I would like that very much.

And, I have faith that it will happen. Be it here and now with the folks in Tampa, or later with people in Seattle, Chicago, or even New York. I don't know what's up with me today… feel like I'm a little girl who is crying because of something so important but nameless. Is this the cry of the woman experiencing PMS? I don't know. I may have a good cry later and see if I feel any better. I'm hopeing that the day will get better… Dale Carnegie says if you keep yourself busy things will improve. We shall see.

I wonder if I am alone in how I feel… the quiet sadness or silent scream of agony. Relief comes in knowing it won't always be like this. It is a sweet smile of sadness or peacefulness that overwhelms me as I'm looking at fans in Wal Mart and I see a woman down the aisle talking to her 4-year-old son. She's wearing the same color parka that I am, but underneath she is wearing a cream-colored blouse, a knee-length black pleated skirt, opaque black stockings, and leather flats. Wanting so much to be able to be that woman, or to be like her. And- in all the joys and pains of whatever she is thinking about, or feeling about her life situation… that there is someone (me) who would give nearly anything they could to be in her place.

And isn't it more amazing that somewhere on this planet there is a female to male transsexual who would give anything to have a functioning penis between their legs… and here I have one that I want to reform into something pseudo female-like? And both of us (the ftm and mtf) know what we are seeking, and perhaps even how to get there. We know we are doing our best, and doing well… and that one day we will get as close to our goals as we possibly can. I think that's amazing. Oh well. Time to get moving.

This is an excerpt from an email I sent my sister, who asked why I was feeling blue...

It was nice to get your email today. Thanks for asking about me being a bit sad. I think my sadness was a combination of things... but have not felt so bad for a long time. I don't know how much detail you're interested in... so I won't say much to keep this light. I think my sadness was just some growing pains from within, and me trying to keep my feelings in check. That's the short and sweet version.

I don't know how much you know... (or want to know) but there's been a change inside of me... I really don't consider myself androgynous anymore... I've moved on over to the female side of things. I've been much happier and at peace since doing so... so here's where I'm going to be. We never really know what is going to happen in the future... but since I'm not good at lying I can only say that whatever you've seen so far on the outside is not the real me. Getting to know the real me is something we'll have to do together.

I don't expect people to call me a female name right now. I don't think ill of people who mistake me for being male. They can't read my mind... they only have secondary clues to go by... so why dislike them? I'm doing my best to be as natural as I can... the natural me as opposed to the normal me. I'd rather be natural (who I really am) than normal (what is 'the norm' or what people expect of me). I'll live here in male drag till things change so that people can get to know me.

I must say that it is getting harder to keep from tossing what's left of my male facade to the winds..... I'm dealing with a bunch of things... I'm not complaining about the process... I'm very happy with the results so far. I think over the last few months I've learned more about myself and have made some choices... I can only hope that I won't lose anybody as a result of my decision to pursue hormones. I don't want to alienate anyone... but at the same time I can't go on living as a false male... so we'll see what happens.

So here I sit again... already considering myself a young lady on the inside... and trying to deal with people wrongfully addressing me on the outside. An example would be the master carpenter here at the theater, who asked how my vacation was... and if I got laid... he proceeded to show me some pictures of naked women on a calendar he keeps in his desk. This is normal male behavior... and I just got so offended. But the 'normal' response was to laugh and joke. So I ignored my natural response and did what I could to 'fit in'. I've been dealing as a false male so long.... and I guess the sadness is that I've been deconstructing the false male to make way for who I am... me... the woman typing out this email- I'm not that false male anymore.

So like I said... I think my sadness was trying to deal with a world that (through no fault of their own) continues to treat me as the wrong gender. Assuming that I make it the whole route (surgery and a successful transition)... when does the change occur?

If you can accept what I say, then you can imagine some of the problems I encounter when I go shopping and I see a new shade of lipstick that I like... or some blouses that I like... and I tell myself "one day"... sometimes it just gets to be too heavy. While in Wal-Mart this past week I saw about 5 women my size (18)... and sometimes it just hurts... the waiting. Even knowing that at some point that will be me. I think the closest metaphor for my feelings is that of a young woman who got hit with breast cancer when she was in her teens... so she's a woman... but missing breasts... and she wonders who will find her attractive... and how she will go on. Like her I'm looking at the world and wondering when/where I'll fit in.


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