March 19 - Curiosity and Concern

Do you ever wonder what houseguests who don’t know you are TS think when they notice that the majority of your cups, mugs, and glasses have lipstick stains? Heh! Just curious. I have a few friends who don’t know yet… not that I’m telling anyone or broadcasting it. But I wonder sometimes when people use my bathroom and they notice not only the bottle of nail-polish remover, but also the face moisturizer and cosmetic remover cream. I wonder sometimes. Oh well… I guess that’s payback for all the times when I was a kid that I was tempted so much to go through people’s cabinets to see what kind of lipstick they had.

Well, today I signed up for a real, honest to goodness electrolysis person. She gave me a consultation and let me try a bit of really effective lip numbing cream. We talked about some of my goals. I wonder sometimes what it must be like to be in a field dominated by women for women (such as the beauty parlor where I was today), and to see someone say “please rid me of this beard”… I wonder that they think about. I look in the mirror and see a $12,000 price tag.

My last electrolysis person from ’92 was very nice and sweet. I used to show up at her office all nice and cute… fully dressed. I never knew if I really fooled anyone or not. Oh well. So… today… I am laying on my back bracing myself for that shock in the mustache that I remember so very vividly from 7 years ago… and I felt a slight prick. About 2 minutes later she asked me how I was doing… and I make the comment that I was waiting for her to start… and you know what… she already did a few… amazing! Thank goodness for medical advances. There was not a readily available numb cream when I did this the last time around.

So the more we talk, I learn that my trusty home-zap kit is really bad for me. And I’m like… yikes! What have I been doing. As it turns out, for the last year or so I’ve been helping my hairs grow by stimulating root hairs. From what the electrolysis person told me… my kit was a hoax. Wow. So… now that I’m not doing the home kit… well… not only do I have some free time, but I find myself wondering how all this may affect my plans to transition ASAP.

I have my visit with the folks in Tampa in four days. What will they say? What will happen. I don't know… I honestly don’t. When I found out about my kit here being useless, well... I felt somewhat sad and the logical, rational side of my personality took over… I rationalized my situation… “I’ll wait till I’m done with college for HRT”… that’s not washing so well right now. Doing some quick and dirty math, I am looking at 12.5 years of electrolysis as a base level. Surely when I graduate and make a real income, that figure will dwindle a bit… depending on what job I have, and how much I make. I may have the ability to change some of that right now, depending on how much I work over the summer.

But still… 8 years? Less… I hope so. But all this brings to mind a serious question. If I am back to honest-to-goodness electrolysis… when do I transition? Speaking from as realistic a point of view as I can… I’d really rather transition when I don’t look like an extra from the planet of the apes. Knowing my body size… it’s going to take a while to feminize things. So how realistic would it be to start off on a low-dosage of meds to keep me from going bald, keep my androgynous (if not give me a slightly female) appearance, and get some mental ground covered? What is the bill on that?

Mar 21

My whole HRT plans were biased on using the home-kit, and now that I’m going to be paying for the electrolysis that sort of changes everything. Money for HRT is now going into money for electrolysis… a fair trade if the results are good. But… for the time being I’m back to looking/feeling like a hairy man again. I can still feel my hair pressing down my back, so that’s sort of balancing things out.

Electrolysis. Wow. Here I am back to electrolysis. They’ve all done it, you know… all those images of people on the web… you can get to many of them through my web page… they know the electrolysis route well. And now I’m on it. Real zapping, real pain, and real results. Did I waste the last year of my life… no, I don’t think so. While I was doing my home kit I was keeping my day-to-day sanity because I was doing something about my beard hairs.

It’s weird to be sitting here… I guess I should go outside or something. It’s sunny outside. I went for a walk this morning to kind of air me out and talk to God a bit about my life so far. I guess a concern of mine is the pendulum thing. For me, my TS feelings seem to be on a pendulum. For the last four months the thing has been in the “I’ve got to do HRT now!” mode… and I can feel it swinging the other way. It’s done that before… but each time it does not get as far on the other side. Way back when I would purge… for a year… for six months… for three months… for a month… for a week… each time with diminishing returns. I think this time is different. I think this time I will remain on the TS side of things, but I’ve changed my approach.

Mar 22

The end of another work week for me. Tomorrow I'll hop in my go-kart and head on down to the folks at Tampa. I wonder what I will wear. Previously I would always wear women's clothes on a first therapist visit. I don't know why… guess it was a message of my intent. What am I going to Tampa for… yeah, to see about getting on something that will prevent me from becoming a 27/28 year old male… keep my head hair. Seems like everything is based on cost. I suppose when you make up your mind that you're going to do the electrolysis, hrt, srs route… life gets easier if you can keep a handle on the lack of funds.

I'm tempted to go in my work clothes. Wouldn't that be more kosher than wearing something you wear only once-in-a-while? That would mean paint covered sneakers, socks, shorts, and t-shirt. Complete with the hair band I wear to keep my hair out of my face while I paint. Hmm. Well, I'm getting tired… suppose I should get a move-on.

Mar 23 – Tampa Day

I had a good two hour drive back here tonight. I spent portions of that drive happy, others sad. A few times I was wondering if the tractor-trailer in front of me was going to crash into me and make this journal entry moot. I’m not praying for death… more so I’m just wondering how I am to survive… how I am to get there. I’m helping myself right now to something I’ve not done in a long time… a super-cup of coffee and a really good pull on my pipe… even through it’s not my favorite brand of stuff… it just feels good. I need the warmth it brings my body. I was told today that Hemmingway supposedly had a female mind… so I guess I’m catching up with him… if I decide to go fishing or move down to the Keys I’ll let you know. Mental image- me, in my panties, long hair pulled back with a backwards base-ball cap, hunched over the keyboard… one eyebrow raised.

Where to begin. Who am I… I suppose that’s a start. I was told today that I don’t know who I am. I tend to agree. But I am here right now drinking coffee and filling my apartment with ‘spring walnut’ smoke. Dr. B in Tampa postulates that Transsexuals develop a false male self to “survive” in the world… as an adaptive strategy to their state of being. This false self is so complete that a person can deceive themselves so completely, that they may not know who they really are. If this is the case, than I, the person sitting here typing this does not really exist… I am a mere covering to protect the little girl inside of me. Were this an “X-files” episode, we could contend that I am in fact an alien living among you… trying to pass myself off as being a human male.

But, seriously… this makes a huge “amnesia” type situation in my life… who am I… really? Is this an accurate description of my life? I think so. When I was younger I did not know where to fit in… how to fit in. The room I had was a “boys room”… it did not fit me. My sister told me when I was younger that I had a ‘fake laugh’… that it was not the real me. To this day in social situations I don’t feel a part of anything. I feel so disconnected… it’s like nothing I do matters. So I tend to agree… yeah, there is a false-male self. The way to counter that… to transition… is to deconstruct this false male self and discover who the real self is. Dr. B suggests that transition really has nothing to do with RLT, the real-life-test.

I guess what brings me down is that I cannot afford the Tampa program right now. Hundreds of bucks spent a month is not something you can do in college. I’m stretching things to make my minimum payments due… well. To keep me from whining, I’ll just say it’s near impossible…. Unless I win the lottery or something.

The keystone of the Tampa program is a triumvirate of services… therapy, hormone replacement, and electrolysis… to the tune of about $500-$800 a month. If I had the money, I’d be there in a heartbeat folks. I mean it. Their electrolysis person knows her stuff, Dr. B knows his stuff… wow. If you’ve got the money go there… they run a class act and whew… wow. Do it. But… well, in my life… at this point right now… I can’t shell out that many clams.

So… no money to do this the Tampa way right now. Bummer. So, what can I do? I’m certainly not going to live the next 2 years of my life in hell. I say that because I will graduate in 2 years and I’m assuming my income will be about 4-5 times as much as it is now. What’s $200 a month for electrolysis when you’re making 20 times that per week? Hah?!? I mean really. Humph. So that’s then… 2 years… 25 months from now in theory I can walk into Toby Meltzer’s office and introduce myself. “Hi… my name is Karen, and I would like to get a referral from you for therapy, continued electrolysis, endocrinology maintenance, and in a few years perhaps space on your operating table.” 25 months… there’s got to be a way to make it 25 months.

There’s a really super-dooper website on my “stuff” page… it’s the first one… called the “TS Roadmap”… I think it’s keeping me on the level right now. I may not be able to name my first-born “Andrea”… but at least my first cat. *nods* One nice thing about the page is it helps to get one’s priorities in order, and suggests there are really “no excuses” for things. I can accept that. At all costs we don’t want to change our dreams. And that leaves the factor of time. I can accept waiting for what I want, so I guess my problems are not so bad. I guess I may have to wait, but I don’t have to like it.

En route to Tampa this morning I was listening to the radio and I heard a song by John Cougar Meloncamp called “I’m on my way”. From what I got of the song it’s about someone who’s been through hell and back and they are going towards something. The line that really hits home for me goes “I’m not running anymore… but I’m on my way.” I like that… for me I am trying to get to ‘transition’… and I’m on my way. It does not matter how fast I go… I will get there. That’s super-rationality… I wonder if it will hold up against the emotional discomfort and crap that I’ll face in the months ahead.

Part of me still wonders… well… if I can begin/continue to ‘de-construct’ that false male now. I’m not saying that I run out to Wal-Mart and buy a seven-day wardrobe… but rather to assert myself more… the girl within. I wonder if she can handle the adult world… perhaps I can help her along… assuming in fact that there is a false-self, a real-self… and then me… the person who is neither but both. Sort of messes with your mind if you think about it I suppose.

I guess I have another motivation in writing all this out so I can understand it… and that is that I don’t want find myself six months from now wondering if today I made a mistake of some kind… or that I’ve purged. If anything I’ve learned some things, even if I cant understand them all right now. My trip to Tampa was not a waste, and… if I do get some money… well, I’m there!

So what’s next? Continuing electrolysis by the person I started with last week? Nothing? Can I really afford to do anything now other than loose some weight and work on my voice? I’m starting to get tired… the caffeine is wearing off. I need time to digest what I learned today. Right now I’m just sleepy.

Mar 24

My hair is in my face. Heh. Happy am I to say that. It’s no wonder that hair takes so long to grow, eh? Heh. Life sort of swallowed me up today… fills my mind with things. My life is by no means static. I think I’ll have enough to do for the period of time between now and having money for electrolysis and things. I'm kind of scared that soon I’ll find a girlfriend or something, box up my clothes, and have a burn-out break up down the road.

This morning while laying in my bed I imagined coming home at 5pm and dressing up a bit… and here I am at 11pm not even out of my sneakers… between phone calls made and taxes compiled and filed tonight. It was only when I went to check out some ingrown beard hairs in my make-up mirror that I realized I never did dress up tonight. Not that it was so important… but it was just a thought on my mind all day… if I can’t “be a woman” ala hrt right away, I can at least dress like one. The truth… well, since I am a woman then whatever I wear is what women wear… heh! Even when they are about to fall out of the chair they are typing in when it’s late… heh. Guess I better hit the hay, eh?

Mar 26

Well, it’s Friday… I’m home. I really don’t feel like doing much of anything. This is my one-free night this week to play dress-up-Barbie if I wanted too… I really just want to sit… and relax. Does that make me any less of a ‘countdown to 26 month’ hrt candidate? I don’t think so. Not after I did another 20 minutes of fun under the electrolysis probe. No complaints… every painful zap was (hopefully) one less mustache hair to contend with. Oh well… time to find something productive to do…

Mar 28 – Sunday

Is it really Sunday? I’ve had some pictures developed… there’s some of me on there from about six months ago, where I was best man *choke, cough, wince* at a wedding. Compare me in the photo with the me sitting here typing… wow. Is it the way the sunlight reflects off my fingernail polish… the swish in my skirt when I walk… or the hair curls that are swept aside by my eye-glasses? Heh. I imagine that were I doing the meds there would be more to compare… I imagine either way I’d have a big butt. Heh.

Whew. What a week, eh? Maybe even I can say ‘so far this semester” or something. And/or, we can go back to the wedding six months ago when I was wooing a young lady for marriage. Crazy. I wonder where I’ll be next? Heh. My life has never been boring. I imagine other people have that quality as well. Blah.

Attention has shifted away from me to my family, which is nice. I’ve gone back to being ‘our son who wants to be a woman someday’… guess that’s appropriate, and it’s time to move on. Families are for support, and I guess I don’t need anything now… even though the uncomfortablness of GID experiences persist… well, I’ve found a middle ground. Particularly when I can continue to ‘crossdress’ when I want… and sort of play gender blender for a bit. Again it amazes me how slow hair grows. As time goes on, I go more towards looking like an old ex-girlfriend of mine… but it is a slow process. To anyone who even thinks they may go the TS route… I would suggest starting to grow out your hair as soon as possible. I imagine it takes a good four years to get male hair out to female standards. I’ve been growing mine out now for nearly a year, and it’s grown about four inches.

After this week’s electrolysis session, I decided to see her every week for 20 minutes a pop. Our first target area is the upper lip… the most painful. Perhaps in time I’ll go for something else at more time (less expensive the longer you are there)… but 20 minutes on my upper lip gives me a memory of what happened for a few days afterwards. In fact, there have been a couple of times last week where I started to get the “I’m not transitioning yet’ blues, and I cut them off real quick with a ‘but I am doing electrolysis’… which is true. And, while I may only get about 25 hours done between now and the time I can do more… at least I am doing something, and it is painful enough for me not really to wish for more time.

Not much else to write about… just sort of taking this one day at a time. My family is having their own problems… so like I said the attention has shifted away from me. Not much else that can be said…

Me again… later. I just went through my mail, bills, etc. I was just thinking how nice it is to be able to dress ‘as a woman’ whenever I want too… I’m thankful for that. I was just thinking about it… the little things that are reassurances of one’s desire/like of ‘being a woman’ 24-7. Like as I was writing checks out for the bills… to just look at the pen you’re holding and compare the shade of the plastic pen case to your fingernails… and it all sort of clicks together. I don’t know if this is going anywhere… oh well.

Mon, Mar 29 1999

I'm a Girl... I may have a penis, but I'm a Girl
I can't explain it... I'm no genius, but I know I'm a Girl
You can't see it, but take my word I'm a Girl
One day there won't be a doubt because I'm a Girl...

Sorry... been on my mind lately... no music for the lyrics yet, but one day perhaps. Not much to say... had a wild idea this morning I'd start to 'cross dress' before work... I have about 30 minutes every morning between the shower and packing my lunch... so why not do it in a bra? Ha! My how I've down-graded. Phew. My life has picked up the slack, however. My career, or rather my school work as filled in the gaps. I'm concerned how I'll make it this summer living with my folks while I intern... I'll have to hide my clothes and cosmetics... because the neighbors may drop by for a visit. But, that's a small price to pay while I earn money that will keep me doing towards my degree, towards graduating, and doing more in the TS path.

My face is getting a bit prickly... all the hairs that were Igia'd are coming back in at their own pace. I'm not mad though... even if the thing is a sham. It got me through a time when I could not afford electrolysis... and doing electrolysis is keeping me mindful of where I am going and where I stand. So... what else can I say? Life does not stop, and I'm trying to make the best of it.

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