May 4, 1999

Just about an hour shy of my birthday. Soon I’ll be 27. Here I am laying on my bed, stomach down, naked… wearing only my glasses and lipstick. I’d hate to die this way… make them wonder what I was doing… oh well. Today was day 2 at my summer internship. It was much better on the second day. So far I find that I enjoy theatre greatly… just not working for the SD Theatre.

I had some time today to stretch my legs and try on some clothes. I really like the stretch shirt I have. Must be a unique experience to stretch fabric over a part of your body and it emphasizes the form… curves. From a male side of view… it gives me a great set of knockers… heh. I can’t help put look in the mirror and see a woman busting through. Makes me wonder how I would look were I on estrogen or had a year of electrolysis behind me. Let me balance that with me saying that I’m still a size 20, and a long way from my goal… but I did exercise again today, and turned down beer at dinner… the sacrifices we give up to be delicate flowers of womanhood… heh!

May 5, 1999

I wonder if what I am doing is okay. I’m not doing anything wrong, but I have found that the only time for some ‘out and about’ “crossdressing” is early in the morning between the times that my parents go to work, and my work time. I guess it’s about a 40 minute window. Not that I am doing anything wrong… but I still feel sneaky. I guess that is the price to pay for living here this summer rent-free. With the exceptions of my car payments, insurance, and credit card bills I am living here for free.

I’m really into being practical. Today I’m wearing women’s shorts, undies, and T-shirt… what I would imagine I would wear into work were I working as a woman. I’m even drinking my coffee through a straw so I don’t mess up my lipstick. Am I being a bit crazy here? I don’t know. I’ve got about 15 minutes left then I need to get moving again. Still… it is an odd experience to get up, visit with your folks, then get ‘dressed’ for work… relax for a few… then take a shower… and get dressed for work again. But… I really want to feel this thing out… every day getting up and deciding what I want to wear… practical stuff. If all goes to plan, then one day I will be doing this every time I get dressed to go anywhere.

I think every woman has a style. What may be someone else’s style may not be yours. I know for myself that I like t-shirts. I like skirts too. I think lipstick to be one of the most important cosmetic elements. So, a typical ‘Karen’ outfit may just be some sandals, skirt, T-shirt, and some earth-toned lipstick. That works for me… it’s what I feel comfortable with. And, sure profession dictates what you can do. But, even on my Mom’s ‘days off’ she wears the full cosmetic regimen and spiffy shirts. Oh well.

Since buying some more practical clothes, I’ve really begun to appreciate some of the subtle differences in body shape. One thing for me is torso size. As the summer goes on, and I continue to exercise, I want to loose extra fat around my lower front. This will really make me more ‘box-like’ in both front and side sections. Women’s bodies are not like that… they are curved. And, ditto on the arms. Most women’s arms that I see have sort of a tapering effect… which I have as well, but as a male I have great bulk in my upper-arms. From what I’ve read and seen, hormonal treatment can alter the body shape. In addition to moving hair around, it also moves body mass. So… I may loose mass on my shoulders, and gain them on my thighs. This would alter my box appearance… make it more of a cone in silhouette. But you see, women’s clothes are tapered to fit like this… so while I am sitting here in a size 20 short/shirt… the waist is tight, the T-shirt is tight. While that’s great on the upper part, as that would keep my ‘breasts’ in control… my extra male fat pushes out my stomach in the wrong places.

I’ve been on the lookout for women who’s stomach goes as forward as their breasts… just to see what the limitations are. Women do come in a package that does that… in fact sometimes the stomach exceeds the breasts in profile. While this in unappealing to our society… it does happen. And, since I am planning on being on the woman track one day… I feel better. Not to say that is what I want. I dunno. Part of me things that so long as I continue to exercise and keep my body limber… ditto for my voice perhaps as well, then I will be very happy with the way I turn out. With the lengthening head-hair, I am very pleased when I look in the mirror. If I hold my fingers in front of my mustache hair growth area, I really do like the woman that is there.

And, as I said, with HRT and healthy living should come a loss of body mass up top, some nice breasts, I’ll grow back some hair on my head, I’ll loose the hair on my arms and legs, my face will be come more female, and my hold body will take on a female appearance. I can’t knock that. And… it may all be a dream… but the results don’t say as much.

Am I wasting my time thinking about this now? I don’t think so. I guess it keeps me ‘holding on’ for another day. Worst case scenario is about 5 years… that’s 3 for college, and 2 for electrolysis once I get out… guess that’s about 60 months. Heck… but that time my car should be paid off…if I funneled my car payments that would mean 2 more hours a month.

May 7, 1999

They say that in buying a house the important things are location, location, and location. Can the same be said for theatre? I am starting to think so. Working in South Florida has got to be one of the worst experiences I have had over my life… I hated it with a passion back in 1992, and it’s the same now in a matter of speaking. Were it not for the financial benefits of living-in with my folks and saving money, I believe I would be elsewhere. It’s hot, and the people for the most part are dead or dying. I think what caps it off for me is the heat. I think if the Scene Shop for SD was Air Conditioned, I would not mind working so much.

To be honest I don’t want to seem like a weasel… I see a pattern in my life where I start something and don’t finish. And yet, I did improve my situation a bit. Perhaps I don’t have enough information? I’m not sure. I remember being a slave to the school system as a teaching intern, and I left that. The first job I got was at Regal Cinemas… and that was better, but still bad. I moved up by working at the computer lab, and at the library last summer. And I kept that computer job in the Fall. So I guess I got out of a bad situation and improved my station a bit. Working in a theatre is an excellent experience and exercise in working with a variety of people. It’s a shame I have to work with someone who hates their own life they make it miserable for others.

In the final ring, there sits a girl on a stool. The only accompaniment for her is a grandfather clock. She sits and watches the rest of the circus… wondering when it will be her turn… when she will make an appearance. We both know that today is not the right time for an entrance. And I guess I am doubting when that time will be. As always, I realize the time, effort, and cost it will take to bring her out, and I have been ever so active this week to exercise and take care of my self so I can develop into her at a later date. But, I am a bit sad at the wait. Part of me desires to start electrolysis if I can afford it in grad school. But I must only glance over at the financial arena to see not only the uncertainly of my own assets, but also how expensive such a thing would be. As always, who knows what will happen.

And perhaps that is a final note, and a theme concurrent at my circus right now… who knows what will happen. What will be the next step? God is a good god… a very generous god. Life is a fantastic experience. Last year I spent my birthday upset because I had no direction in life. I did not enjoy working at Regal per se… and I did not like my experience of life much. This year, I am happy to report that I spent my birthday singing songs from “Forum” with some very neat theatre people and doing follow spot, ‘performing’ in my own way for an audience… part of a group of people bringing entertainment to others.

May 8, 1999

Hi. It’s me… I’m in the middle of another depression funk. It all started with a “free trial size” foundation display at the grocery store… I actually started to see which foundation would match me best… then I remembered I’m in the grocery store with my Mom… yikes! And from there… well… it was not too long before I was feeling sorry for myself. The best medicine seems to be to do nothing. I’m giving myself a day off of the exercise regimen as well. Oh well. After dinner I plan to lock myself in my room and just vege the rest of the night. My folks know about my feelings… they may not understand why I feel so bad… and I suppose in a way I don’t either. What I do know is that I don’t want to be miserable for the rest of the evening.

Sunday, May 9 – Mother’s Day

I wonder if I’ll be a mommy one day? Hmm? Well… a fresh wind blew a bit tonight. My Mom said that my folks would help me out with a move to Kentucky if it looked like a better deal. Heh… part of me is there already! Heh. Well, seriously, it is completely logical for me to be here right now, and to stay the length of the summer. But my, oh my, would I like to be up north. Sure I would not be living in such comfort and ‘for free’… but I would be out of Florida and not working for Mike at the Stage Door. Oh well. I suppose everything is tabled a bit until I go to Kentucky and check things out. But I sure hope that all goes well.

Spent the waking moments of today ‘en femme’… which was nice. I know it’s stereotypical, but it sure does feel good to spend over six hours in a bra… you get used to the straps and such… and ditto on the other accompaniments. The later half of the day was spent in my favorite women’s T-shirt, bra, and skirt. Can I say that I looked nice?

May 12, 1999

Well, my sister had a sort of nervous attack yesterday. She’s doing better today. I spent my morning deliberating about what I was going to do, when was I going to move, and all that stuff. When I got busy at work, things sort of changed over to common stuff. And, with some time to spare at the end of the day, I decided to do some quick math and see what my options might be. Of course, it’s rather simple… I can move whenever I want. But, I need to temper that with I may not move at all.

With my sister’s sickness yesterday, my Mom and I have not yet had a chance yet to talk. Plus, how do you talk to someone who is already frazzled with dealing with someone else “oh, I have problems too”… so I did not say much. My Mom made mention that I must have several things on my mind, and she brought up the fact that for me there must always be another option… which I was confused about… but she continued to say my plans for womanhood. Yikes! Mom is on top of things. And that’s true. I guess I had slipped into an automatic state of things.

I had been waiting for her to go to work so I could put on my bra and such. I’m into house clothes big time right now… back to that ‘real life quiz’ of my past… which really is just living as the gender of your choice whenever you can. Before you get too excited, that means putting on a bra after your de-odorant, and wearing all through the day till you change into your night clothes for bed… for some women, that’s the only way they can navigate the day without sloshing when they walk. And ditto on the cosmetics… get up, shower, clean your face… apply sunscreen, cosmetics… and leave unless a touch-up later… of course that’s just my way of doing things. But, my guess is that women don’t do/re-do cosmetics every five minutes.

But… there is always ‘plan D’… which for me means continued electrolysis and one day HRT. Later in the plan comes continued HRT and SRS. And after that? My guess is continued HRT, therapy, and if I am lucky a hug and a kiss for being a human being from some nice person… someone to make coffee for and to chat with. If I’m real lucky they may make coffee for me too. But like the Genie in Disney’s Aladdin, I am doubtful “who am I kidding?” But even he got free… so hang in there!

But, for the time being I can squeeze myself into the open slots, and even later in the day can close the hallway door and have the place to myself. Could I include myself more in family life? Perhaps… but even as the androgynous male, I don’t really fit in here… I like to visit and such, but then I’m off to my room to read, watch anime, or play computer games… so as Karen I am not much of a socialite anyway. But, that may change. According to the Tampa people, even the illustrious RKP is not the ‘real’ person in side me… feel like I’m a very complex android or something… and one day the ‘real’ programming will immerge. But I wonder a bit more about who I will be down the road, when all the barriers and inhibitions are dropped… when no one will question which camp I belong too… assuming I am accepted a wee bit into the circles of womanhood.

What will the Karen of 2010 be like, hmm? Will she like to work on scenery? Heh… I think I’ll be too smart to work in an un-air-conditioned warehouse in south-Florida during the hottest time of the year! Heh… oh the secrets of the woman-world I shall learn… all about sweaty bra straps and yeast infections from moisture!

Oh well. Time to get going and start the routine for work. My step-dad will be home soon as well, which means a change of clothes and shower for me. Again, anything is possible. Were my folks to give me $1k, I could in theory leave the SD Theatre, move to Kentucky, and try my luck at the job game. Staying on at the SDT for more time only lessens that $1k until nothing in June. So under my own power I could go up to Kentucky in July and get settled in time for school in September. And I guess that’s about it for right now. I need to remind myself that I don’t have to make a decision one way or the other for about a week. And, as my Mom interjected, not to stress myself out, because I could not make a rational decision about it. Whew. God, I wish these breasts were real… hmm. One thing at a time, eh? Okay… I’m here for the ride I suppose… just so long as one day I do grow my breasts… and I have some time before I die to enjoy them? Not that I have a choice, but it does ease my concerns some.

Me again, later. It’s nice to be here tonight… just to sit with my feet propped up on my bed, about to play Tomb Raider 3. Just me, my boxers, my bra, and my T-shirt. Opps, and that darn lipstick again… can’t help that… as I said I love the stuff.. keeps my lips moist. Sigmond Freud said that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar… heh. Carlin adds, and sometimes it’s a big brown dick. Heh. Just a wee bit of humor before bed. I’ve been thinking about Karen 2010… that’s me in 11 years. Whew. The future. I suppose I should count my blessings… I know what I want. Of course it’s easy to desire something you can’t have right away… you can pine for it without the risk of it being here.

When I was on estrogen in ’92 I did not think much of it… easy to start, easy to stop. Now it seems so darn near impossible. I have a secret hope… which is light-years from moving over to a ‘possible future’… but part of me wishes that there is enough extra cash left over next year so I can continue doing electrolysis… but that would be my tempt to fate. Give me enough money to pay my bills, and I’ll start zapping. Of course, were I to win the lottery I’d rent a room in Tampa and become a weekly visitor to the folks over there… I wonder if they would let me hire them? Two hours a week is four years… four hours is one year… hmmm. Oh well.

I suppose I could move on over to England and get a job there or something… I’m told that British health care will pay for most of a ts’s costs… make sure I marry and Englishman? Heh. Oh well.

May 13, 1999

I guess a goal of mine right now is to stay to do that ‘real life quiz’ deal, and see how I do. It’s kinda funny, but I feel my most ‘woman-ish’ sort of laying naked… without any clothes at all. I feel my chest where my breasts will be and just feel happy. And when I encounter my hairy chest… or even like today as I’m putting on eye-shadow and I can see my beard… I know that one-day things may be a bit different.

I’m sure it must get repetitive… if one was to read my journals from start to finish in a single setting…. the topics and such. But, if you are Trans, or if you think your Trans, perhaps you can get an idea what a Trans may encounter. When I first started to piece together my feelings, and I realized what I wanted…. Well, I had to experiment with things to find a way to get where I wanted to go. And the first time I got on estrogen, it was a quick decision. I’ve learned in the in-between time that that is what I want to do… get back on estrogen and see where that takes me.

One of my concerns was making a mistake… in other words did I want to be a father, did I want to do man-things… for example being a scoutmaster. And all that other baloney…falling in love, etc. I can say that the in-between time allowed me to sow my oats so to speak… and try various angles of ‘being a man’. Some may suggest that since I’ve yet to graduate college and enter a career and experience male-hood… that I have not done it all yet. But, since I did graduate, and work for a year as a school teacher…. And consequently return to college… I think I have had a fair taste of what would be. In watching my male-peers… well, it’s not something that I want.

And so, at least internally… well, right now I’m trying to avoid entering man-hood as best I can… but I know how the game works. And so for the remaining 8 weeks of my stay here at my folks my more female side must take a back seat to the male. And in all honesty, that’s what HRT is for… to get my body in a more female shape. You cannot fit a square peg in a round hole. Why try? Of course it’s going to look funny.

Even this morning, as I was re-filling my coffee cup, I looked at my self in a full length mirror and shuddered. Not because I was some monstrosity, but because I could see the potential women there… perhaps less hair on the arms, less upper body mass… some thigh-definition… and of course no-beard hairs…. But HRT will change some of that. Please don’t take me as saying it’s all physical… I know there’s more. Mentally I’m ready… feed me that estrogen so some of my neuro-networks can shift… and yes, my emotional state is ready for that roller coaster ride that happens every 28 days.

I guess in short, what I am saying (perhaps again) is that I accept that I will never “be” a genetically born woman, and to compare myself to such a fallacy would be an insult to myself. Yes it’s great to be able “to pass”, and it is my goal to be as close as I can get to being a ‘woman’ as I can. And I can see in myself right now, with whatever remains in my body from the estrogen in ’92… the woman who will immerge.

Hmm… it’s almost an oxymoron… but I realize I have to use whatever cards I’m dealt… for whatever reason, I was given not only this situation (woman in man’s body), but this body (frame/mass/color). There is only so much I can do to it… and thank goodness those things are possible. One day I will get there.

And that perhaps is the hardest thing to accept in my opinion… that my goals are achievable, I need only to work towards them. Sure things could happen to make them come easier (God performs a miracle, I win the lottery, I marry a wealthy Englishman)… but you can’t count on them. And… there are always going to be people ahead of me, and behind me. Some TS have to wait till they are 50+ years old… some are lined up for SRS when they are 18. It all works out. And that can be hard to accept at times.

May 14

I really don’t know what to say. Other than I like the way my ‘breasts’ protrude over my arm while I’m typing this. Is that nuts or what? Whew. And last night at the theatre, I saw a woman who was huge… tall as me and twice as thick… and I can’t explain how I felt… it was like “see… see! She is an over-weight version of you and she’s female! And she’s got a boyfriend! see… see!” Yikes. What in the heck is up with me today? Why do I feel so out of it… I really don’t want to go into work…

I guess the way I feel… and perhaps this weekend included… is that I have been doing the real life quiz this week… and I really wanted to continue to do this weekend. And, while I don’t want to inconvenience anybody… know what I mean? Can Karen stay in the closet for a bit while her family does their thing? Hmmm? I don’t know.

May 16, 1999

Whew… on the last few minutes before bedtime here. I was hoping to spend time tonight with Mom…. We all spent our afternoon doing our own thing. Pati needed her, so I guess I’ll catch up when I get back. Bob and I just watched “Shawshank Redemption”… my first time. Good movie. I wonder if I’ll have to crawl through 500 yards of shit to be a redeemed woman? Hmm?

Well… tomorrow morning I get up early to go to KY, so I’ll keep this short and sweet. Who knows what will happen. Had a chance to look at my finances… I have no idea what the future will hold, etc. And I guess that’s it.

May 21 99 - The Day After Kentucky Trip

Well, today I am back in South Florida, waking up on my first day back. As soon as my body gets in gear, I'll need to be serious and plan for the next few days, or at least for the move to Kentucky. From that, you can get that the trip was an overwhelming success, which it indeed was.

Being away, I had a chance again to experience what it was like to be back down here. I don't understand everything, and it is not my place to do so, but from what I can see it is difficult all around. I suppose what comes out of it is that Kentucky will be a healthy environment for me. I don't know for sure, but South Florida is a great place to spend 3 days... but afterward it sort of gnaws on you.

But I am not going to go into that... that is negative. Let's be positive and move on, I suppose. For whatever reason, God has given me a chance to better myself, and I can't turn it away. I guess what makes it difficult is the dependency upon my folks. But I can accept that... in fact I am thankful to them for all they have done for me.

Of note during the trip, my TS feelings went wild... almost crippling me in some points. I wanted to wait and see if it was a warning of bad things to come, or just some relief. The outcome is that I am moving, but it would be very appreciated if I was a woman doing it. And perhaps that is kooky... but that is the way I feel.

If I could wish for the future, I would ask to be a pleasant looking woman with a husband who truly loves her, having a place where my family could seek refuge and family togetherness. I am thankful to God for giving me the next piece of the map to get to that goal. As always, I am pleasantly supprised to find out where I am headed, and striving for the best. I want to be here for my family. I am tempted to go run my errands, stop by the grocery and buy fixings for lasagna. I would then come home and be the best Kasumi Tendo I can be... heh. Oh well. Life is a strange thing indeed.

May 22, 1999

Had one of those eye-opening experiences earlier… it was when I was washing my face of the cosmetics… and I had a thought that I was living up to what I expected my self to be… in that I should not expect myself to be more than a pre-op, pre hrt, pre elect transsexual right now… because that’s what I am. It was like a relief on me. Oh well.

Me again, later. Can’t seem to fall asleep. I keep on thinking “I want to be a woman, I want to be a woman.” It’s easy to say ‘okay, I am glad I know this, and I have plans to deal with it’… but harder to put it aside… hopefully I can in time.

May 23 99

Sunday morning. I've always wondered if there was a parallel between how stressful my life is, and how much I write in my journal. Hmm. Well, why I did not sleep much last night due to a combination of Ts-apprehension, moving excitement, and perhaps a desire to progress in Tomb Raider 3, I can say that I don't feel much 'bad' stress right now. I've been told that whenever there is change in life there is stress... and I would believe that.

I'm not one to believe in pre-destination, or paranoia... but sometimes it does seem like things go easier if you have a 'loaded deck' in your favor... a series of events that help you out. Going to Kentucky last week was such a deal... and I am thankful for it. Makes me wonder if things will be there down the road when I can do more along the Ts path. Amazing how much of my life surrounds those feelings. Seems recently that as my hair gets longer and the way I dress, I am at least androgynous if not slightly female. Seems like it is not a question of will I do what I want, but the key word is 'when'.

My folks have been very supportive so far... I was curious yesterday if I wanted to push the envelope a bit, which I decided not to do. Last night as I was trying to sleep all I could think about was going clothes shopping and shaving my legs... yikes! What do I need with clothes I can't wear outside, and to do the ostrazation of being socially deviant. Also too, in my past I get depressed when I can't do more TS stuff. I think also too of the future, with me in a new place with new people. How will they react to me? When I lived in Gainesville there was always the potential of running into someone who knew an older version of me. Again over time if all goes to plan I will do everything in my power to progress down the TS path... who knows how much?

I don't consider it a bad thing, even though' technically I am 'dressing behind their back'. But there is something nice about just being who you want to be, or how you feel. When I realized yesterday that I would be alone, by default I started to shave and such. About the time I reached for the cosmetics, out-loud I said "I'm not going to do this today." I sort of walked in circles, and got busy cooking. About an hour later I sort of realized that sub-consciously I had indeed dressed up a bit... bra, skirt, T-shirt. Like you do when you get out of bed and you have not had coffee yet. So, I was wearing what I would wear 'were I a woman' without really thinking about it, or antagonizing about it.

Later in the day I decided I wanted to do my best June Cleaver, so I took 'dressing' up to the next notch... cosmetics, hose, heels. Again I went about my business and did not pay too much attention. After about 4 hours I started to feel uncomfortable a bit... I was sweating in the hose... so I opted for a more baggy outfit... woman's T-shirt and shorts... again practical... which later I would go back to the original skirt/shirt I started out with, and remained that way till my folks came home. It was then I was tempted to leave on the nail-polish... but I decided not too.

From what I have seen and experienced, I think it is less stress and more healthy for a slow introduction of things. And, again it seems to take longer for hair to grow than I ever really imagined. I guess from birth in our society we let girl's hair grow out... I'd be curious to compare a sample of pre-school and elementary class photos and see if that's a true trend or not. But, if true, then from an early age women have longer hair than men. Of course in our society today it is fashionable and acceptable for men to have short hair only.

So again, I would stress to any Ts person to grow out that hair if you can. Ditto on the fingernails too I suppose. Only because of the amount of training and skill to not only maintain them, but to let them grow out in the first place. I guess that is assuming fingernails are important to you. I suppose everything is based on your own style... what you consider important. What kind of woman you will be

For myself, here's what I've noticed. I am most comfortable/expressive in a knee-to-ankle length skirt, short-to-medium length fingernails. My shoe of choice is a curvy-flat. Cosmetically, I like a light gray eye-shadow and 'coffee bean' lipstick and nail-polish. And I think that's about it. I'm sure I could add to that some earrings or something, but my fear of needles keeps me from piercing any part of my body. I guess you could toss in that list cotton 'no-frills' underwear... (bra/panty). And I guess that's about it. And, while I do enjoy those props... I must say that at times I feel the most 'female' when I am naked and in bed... not really doing anything...just a feeling. It is a pipe dream of mine that anything more I do to my body (hrt, SRS, electrolysis), will add to those feelings.

Later - Well… my last Sunday here at my folks place. It’s 10:30pm… once again Bob has the living room. Heh. Wonder how I’ll find things up north? It’s been sort of a weird day… trying to get so much accomplished and such. Really all day I’ve had an urge to just wear my favorite skirt and ‘be female’, whatever that means. Things were going real good this morning, then whilst at Blockbuster I ran across a copy of Dr. Jeckle and Ms. Hyde… and seeing Sean Young.. or rather knowing in the movie you can see the guy turn into the girl… well, I had another episode of ‘poor me’.

Anyway… my Mom and I had a nice chat. She said she was concerned about calling me by male pronouns… I thought that was neat… very considerate. Oh well… too tired to relate things… just wish I was female…

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