May 24 99

Today is my last Monday down here with my folks for the summer. Thinking about things, I don't imagine I will return to visit my folks in Florida till Christmas. Living 4 states away I suppose will do that. It's kind of fun to think about what I was doing about a month ago... finishing up final exams at UF, and making final arrangements to move in with my folks. In the final week at UF, I made amends with my roommate, and packed up stuff for the long haul. I did not expect to be making plans about a month later to be moving again. No complaints about stuff, however.

Within the first few days of moving down here, I had a flavor for what was to come... it was going to be hot, and unpleasant. Working for the SD theatre was like working in a slave shop, however I did learn much from Mike A. It is a shame he hates theatre so much. Mike has talent and such, but to my knowledge just did it because he could. I don't think it is that way for me. Honestly, I am very happy to find out that I do like theatre work... but my reasons were to find a profession that would enable me to plan for, execute, and complete my transition.

I guess I have Bill J. to thank for all of this moving stuff... but I believe the real thanks goes to God. Regardless, I am looking forward to leaving here in a few days for Kentucky. In reality, Kentucky has most of the amenities of South Florida, with the exemption that the climate is more to my liking, and the people are real human beings. I have not decided yet if most of the population of South Florida are genetic mutants, spoiled brats, or just people who continually have bad days.

My Mom bought me a bottle of Baileys... perhaps to cool me down a bit... when people are unhappy I guess if they can afford it they resort to drugs of some kind. Yesterday I hit a pocket of woman-envy, depression, and frustration big time. I have not come across any term that quite quantifies what a transsexual may be feeling when all they really want is to be a woman, any woman. And someone says "you will one day"... and like Beruca Salt from WillyWonka we say "but I want it now!" My mom commented it must be an obsession of some kind.

Depending on how one defines an obsession, I may agree with that. Believing one to be transsexual is akin to believing in God, where from most external perceptions there is no empirical proof... it's all feeling and faith. For myself, and in my own situation, I am asking my folks not to look upon me, or address me as the son they've had for 27+ years. All they see is young man who seems to be clinically depressed, with longer-than-normal hair and fingernails. Since I don't keep secrets, they know what I want to do, and where (had I money) I would be going. Perhaps me living with this past month has let them know what I am going through. But God willing, if I can, one day I will be writing checks to an electrolysis person, and some time down the road I will be taking a cocktail of medication to change my body a bit. They know that, and they are trying to keep me cheerful.

It is quite a stretch...to look at someone so externally male and imagine/accept that they may be female. My Mom said yesterday is that one of the reasons she is so adamant on spending time with my sister's daughter is because there may not be any more grandkids. I asked her if she resented me for that... me not adding more family genes out there. And she said no, she did not hate me for not wanting/being able to have kids. It took a few times I think for her to realize that I am not going to get married any time soon, and were I to have children they would either not be my own kids, or I would adopt. My sister I think is still clinging to an idea that I will meet a woman who will 'cure' me of my feelings. If such a woman exists, I’d like to meet her.

My Mom also suggested that one day soon I should see about getting on sort of drug to even me out a bit... she said to take the edge off of my feelings... yesterday being a prime example where because I could not 'be a woman' soon I saw no point in living suffering. I've yet to meet a transsexual who was happy because they could not transition right away. Sometimes I wonder if it is all a hoax... my feelings and such. I wonder if what I believe to be transexuality is just depression. Perhaps just acute crossdressing? Hmm. Unfortunately I can say that I have been in good relationships with women, and my feelings of 'I'm a transsexual, I really want to be the woman in a relationship' got in the way. I've had a few sexual encounters with men where my feelings of 'I'm a transsexual, I really want to have a woman's body for sex' got in the way. And, I believe on a daily basis, my feelings of 'people treat me odd because I behave like a woman, and all they see is a man' get in the way. It is almost that whatever you see in front of you, I am not it.

And yet, I must be, in some way. If the folks in Tampa are right, then the person you see does not exist, that facet of me is a false self conceived to help me deal with the world. It's too easy to accept that on the whole. "No matter what you see me as, I am not it." But Tampa says it's true. And it might be. I tend to think there is a continuum of selves... perhaps some of us are able to integrate what we truly are with what we need to be to survive. Sort of a symbiotic relationship... a unwritten contract of compromises and treaties with the various aspects of our personalities. Tampa suggests that on the path of 'transitioning' one learns to deconstruct the false self. And, I can imagine for some it must be a very cataclysmic and significant change. The false male may be totally different than the true female. Tampa also suggests that no matter what the age/stage of the false male, the true self is a pre-teen girl. I'd like to be able to comment on that in 5 years from my own first-hand experience. Heh.

But... today. Well, for me my life is focused on moving and setting up shop in Kentucky. No matter who I am or what I do, I need to get ready... make arrangements, plan, pack, etc. So I suppose I better get cracking on stuff, right? I'm not going to push myself to do anything, but I do plan on my standard comfy woman clothes for my house-time. Don't know what that makes me, but for the time being it really does not matter.

And, as a closing comment, I must say that it does stink to feel so out of touch with everyone else, and you think you have a good idea that only through electrolysis, hrt, and SRS you'll be back to normal. Everyone chimes in with 'but you'll still be depressed and upset... these things will not cure you, or make you happy'. I would agree with that up to a point. If I have a headache, I take an aspirin. If I have a splinter in my finger, I remove it. If taking Prozac cures depression, and makes my Ts feelings go away, I'm all for it. But there comes a point (particularly when you read other ts's retrospection’s) where everything indicates that you are Ts, and SRS will help you out. Knowing that, and knowing that you are not going to reach that for a few years, well, you can understand that that might make me a wee bit bitchy, or a wee bit sad, right? Heh. Wish I did not sound so nasty there.

But... if you are like me, then you have realized what you need to do, and are waiting for the right time when you have everything you need to progress. Saying "it's going to work out", or my daily "one day" things will be different only go so far. But, regardless, even if I feel the highest high, or the lowest low, I am not giving up. But it still sucks. But there's no more I can do, you know? All I can do is to strive towards meeting my goals. And that is tough. But, well, nothing I can do. I'm not angry, nor am I giving up. This is the situation, and I don't have to like it I suppose.

May 25

Well, just about a day left here. I’m cooling down in the back room. Amazing how warm it is… oh well… come a few days I’ll be on the other side of the thermocline. Well, today marked the first time in about a month where I did not do the real life quiz… heh. I was just too busy… if that’s a legit excuse. Oh well. I plan to make up for it tomorrow for the final packing. Of course there will come a time when I’ll need to pack up the non-essentials, and for a four day excursion around my Mom that means packing up the cosmetics, bras, and such. I never did sew the ripped seam in my favorite jumper. Oh well.

To stick it to my fears, I went ahead and secured a copy of “Dr. Jeckle and Ms. Hyde”, just so I could have a copy. I should also see about a copy of Tootsie… but not really in my league.

In a return trip to the bathroom, I paused in front of a mirror and marveled at how much one day of beard growth can make me look so male. No wonder electrolysis is amongst the first few steps. But, here I am thinking about the future again. Master Yoda says to keep our eyes on where we are. The present moment and all that jazz. Heh. Oh well.

Here I sit ‘in total irresponsibility’, where I could spend all day drinking and sleeping. And I’ve spent it getting ready for my trip and of course dealing with the gender dysphoira of sorts. Well… I guess I don’t have much to say… just sort of waiting for the big move up north…. And of course still hoping to wake up as a woman, in my woman’s body tomorrow…

May 26

So, for one last time I am faced with a daily question... do I want to wear women's clothes or not? Heh... most days I get some other echoes about 'am I happy?' 'am I transsexual?' 'can I make it another year?' But, I've been noticing that since I've been down here with my folks, I needed to set aside some isolation so I could wear what I wanted to wear. But in making that choice, I've kept myself inside... and really not doing much. So, do I want to spend another day 'cooped up' inside here, or would I like to go out?

Going out would mean a tour of the malls and shops... more likely placing me up for big depression because I will see women's clothes I can't afford or wear (today). Instead I could take my shower, shave, and then get dressed. But what woman would wear a nice skirt, shirt, cosmetics, and hose just to 'hang around the house'? None. I guess on my last day here I want to be comfortable and enjoy the day... which may call for my standard house clothes (comfy skirt, bra, and T-shirt). And, apart from a neutral lipstick and eye-shadow... that's it. The rest is all me. The result is somewhere between Arnold Swartenegger and Rosie O'Donnell. Just with a deeper voice and lacking the Tom Cruise fetish.

I've decided that in semi-darkness I am looking more and more like a woman... I guess the shadows hide the beard hair and such. My Mom put a night-light in the bathroom, and by that light, standing in front of the mirror, I see more and more what I want to be one day all the time. Since not working at SD, my nails have started to come back in. And, without any of my help my hair has grown enough that it is starting to lay-down and curl on it's own. I wonder how many Trans people out there would just be happy if they could let their hair grow out?

Back in '93 when I was on estrogen the prevailing philosophy of my care-givers was the cataclysmic RLT... some event where John Doe would go to Jane with a flick of the shaving razor. I will say there is an enormous psychological barrage/up-lifting/realization when I look in the mirror and see no beard hairs, and/or when I rub my hands along my feet, all the way to my knees and feel no hair. There is something soft and supple about shaved legs that gives swimmers an advantage and Trans folk a sense of womanhood. To be that way permanently... whew... nice. But the fact of a tremendous single-event 'transition' from one gender to another to me is akin to one of those crack-pot diet fads... the results are dramatic, but not only short-term but damaging. Talk about the Tampa false-self being lost, and so totally different than the 'real woman self'? Why would you base your gender off of a way you dress or comb your hair? Heh. But... well, it works. Heh... sorry, I don't know all the answers. If I did then my advice would not be free, I imagine.

So, in my case, as I am packing up those last few boxes, I have the option of wearing men's clothes and exploring the South Florida Savannah one last time, or wearing something else and being stuck inside all day. Hmmm. The obvious answer is to compromise... hmmm. But there really is no place I really want to go... with no money to spend... or rather right before I move to a big city that I've never been in knowing no one... it's like buying yourself a gift with your credit card days before Christmas. Who know what you are going to need? Yikes!

Knowing that you have plural years before 'transitioning' with electrolysis and hrt, it's near stupid to rush out and buy dresses and such. I'd like to buy another practical skirt... but why should I when the one does me okay? I could take that money and pay off some debts, and perhaps raise my standard of living. Why shoot myself in the foot for a few years, eh?

I guess that also is my clothing dilemma... perhaps I should go out this morning just so I can say I did it... and then this afternoon do whatever I want while I pack. Again there will come a time where I'll need to pack up those clothes I can't wear around my Mom... and that means the comfy women's clothes I've been wearing around here for the last month. Heh... easy dilemma... no real problem I suppose. In five days time I will be opening boxes and trying to put clothes away. And, I will need money/credit to buy stuff for the new apartment... so it would be stupid to blow credit.

So that leaves me back at staying indoors and not doing anything. What a boring life that would be... but it is only for the one day. I hope I'm not whining... not my goal. Oh well. Guess I should just do what I want and see what happens.

May 30, 1999 – Kentucky Start

Opportunity. Kentucky. New Home. Well, this is the moment that has been on the tip of life… where I sit at my computer and type. I just returned from taking my Mom to the airport. The inquiring mind asks… what’s next?

What would you do if you found yourself transported to a new town, in a new state, knowing no one? I have the option of calling my friend Andy and letting him know I’m up here. I also have the option of staying in today and finishing up the set-up of my apartment. I am here, but I’ve only just arrived.

I had the pleasure of spending 4 days with my mom, undiluted with other family issues or concerns. It was a fantastic feeling. I know she is needed elsewhere… but it was nice to have her all to myself for 4 days. I think she enjoyed the experience as well. It took us two days, traveling 1078 miles. I spent about 2900 on my Amex Express between car rental, hotel, moving rental, and my Mom and I’s airfares. Pretty amazing. On my way back in I stopped off at K-Mart to buy some soap and I found out the Amex was full. Amazing… all of that moving and such on one credit card.

But… the obvious question is… what next? Tomorrow being Memorial Day I have it off… don’t know the specifics on when I start with L at the DD Theatre across the river. I have time to myself. No one knows my phone number or who I am. Part of me is tempted to shave my legs/arms and to go ‘full-time’… heh. Yes.. those feelings are still there. From what I have seen Kentucky women come in all shapes and sizes… saw one yesterday that was how I may be… whew.

Leaving my Mom at the airport… watching her go on the plane… and then returning here and seeing the glass she drank out of… well, it makes me a bit sad. Right now my prevailing feeling is to rest. Seems like the last 4 days have been ‘go-go-go’ and no real rest. Again I could phone up Andy, but I don’t know if I am ready to announce my presence to the world yet. Oh well… I guess I really don’t have to do anything….

Me again – later. Amazing how things happen. I was just thinking about how I moved down to my Moms for the summer not knowing that I would be here now. Amazing.

Me again… just trying to get organized and such. Spent some time on-line moving me around a bit. Amazing how things go… just people. I had two emails from bisexual girls wanting to meet me in Gainesville. Yikes. While taking a bath I wanted to shave my arms and legs… so I compromised. From my wrists and ankles out I shaved. Naturally I later painted my finger and toe-nails. Hopped on-line to check out stuff. Chat rooms were dull. Oh well…

May 31

Spent today as myself... who else would I be? Heh... as always it's nice to dress appropriately... felt slightly down when I had to take off my nail polish to do laundry... but considering I could be in a position where I could not wear polish period... life does not seem so bad. Once again I find myself wishing to be more female than I am right now... but what else is new?

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