November 6, 1997

I have really decided over the last few days that I am a transsexual.... something that I have known for all my life, but have been repressing for a long time I have been waiting for the moment when my feelings dissipate.... like they did back in 1993. I can remember my decision from back then as being that then was not the time for such change. It is true that a person can transition (alter their living style to accommodate the new change) whenever they wish, but there are things that can make that transition easier.

There are four that I can think of off of the top of my head:

• 1) The decision to surrender one's false sense of self and coping strategies to allow the true self to emerge
• 2) The use of electrolysis to remove unwanted hair from the body
• 3) The practice of unlearning some false gender communication techniques (voice, social practices) and learning the true gender
• 4) Hormone therapy to alter the secondary physical attributes of the body to align the gender and the sex.

Fortunately, these are in an order where the changes made will be slow, and if the individual wishes to stop/slowdown, they may.

I do have some fears:

My desire to transition is temporary, and it will pass.

I know that I'll need to give this some time and see what happens. This is a double edged sword, however, for longing can make life morose. I have wanted to have the physical body of a woman all my life. I have decided to do RLT as much as possible, and see what happens. Time will tell, and I have the time to wait. Amazing how two years later I still have the desire to transition, and the doubts. I think that as time has progressed, I have dealt with obsticals to transitioning on a variety of levels. Still, time is the best test of sincerity.

I am afraid that I will become depressed because I will have to wait.

I've been feeling sad all my life because I did not have the body of a woman. Does 5 more years really matter much more? I don't know, but I need to keep up with my feelings, and keep talking to other people. I need the reassurance that my feelings are not unusual, and that there is hope... I just need to stick it out. This depression would climax 16 months later in a suicide attempt. I would do my best to deal with my depression in other ways. Over time it has gotten easier. And, I learned that suicide is not the answer for being a woman.

I am afraid of the friends I will loose or the opportunities I will miss out on because I am/will be transitioning.

I think this is a real fear, and one that I encountered back in 1993. I think that the majority of the people I know really don't care one way or another. They would be shocked, but how much of my own daily life is a part of theirs? I only have one real, tight, friend right now, and he knows everything about me... including my current thoughts. The weapon to combat this fear is to continue to network and perhaps join a TS support group. I need to make friends who know about me, and who will remain my friends down this road.

I am afraid of the TS subculture.

There are elements of the TS subculture that I don't like. There are people out on the Internet who are miserable, and they feel better about themselves by spreading their misery around. I don't want to be a stepping stone for them. There are also some TS out there that are just plain unhappy-- and that is an element, and a possibility to which I must face.

I am afraid of not finding someone who will love me; and that I will be an ugly woman.

Ha! Who doesn't have this? I think there are people out there who could love a TS, even one as big as me. I have met women who are larger and 'uglier' than I could even imagine myself as being. I remember my altered self from 1993, and my CD self from 1990... I know that I am not the most attractive woman externally, but I am not chop liver either. There are women out there worse off in the looks department than I am, but that is part of reality... the hand that god deals us, and we have to accept ourselves and move on.

I would not mind finding some guy to live with, date, and perhaps even marry. Right now my mind is not closed to a woman as a partner either. My current state, or rather my track record of dating shows that even as a closeted TS, I can't stay in a relationship with a woman long enough. I could come close to settling down, but I would always feel incomplete or unhappy... and that does not sound all that great considering that I could get the body I want and still be single.... at least I'd have the body I wanted, and live the single life I wanted.... that's a step up in my book.

Nov 7 97

Well, another day has gone by. I spent about an hour talking to UF's counseling center today. How does one start to explain about themselves? I did a good job on the fly, so to speak. I told her about myself, and my feelings. I don't quite remember everything I said, but before I was through I felt very good about myself. I think I presented a very good dialogue about myself, explaining my feelings, and my hopes and fears. I think being organized and confident gave me a real good foundation to present my case. I addressed my concerns, and did not try to unload on the woman... I just wanted to talk.

I have been thinking about myself. I got a phone call from Leslie today, and when he said my name, there was something about it that just did not seem right. I can't explain it... but the name is applying less and less. My current name is a boy's name. I've been thinking about what I want to call myself. I don't want a real girly name.... I used to like the name 'Sarah'... but that has changed. My concept of myself as Sarah was a shallow one. I want to take this slow and make wise decisions. For some reason, the name Karen sounds like a good one. It is on the tip of my tongue for some reason. I have a liking for the letter K. I don't know why. Karen sounds nice... not to girly. I don't want to get too bogged down with names, but a name is how we want others to call us by... might as well be something you like. I don't know, but if I am going to make a foundation for myself as a woman, then I need to start to get some recognition as one.

I bought a lottery ticket. I figure I might as well loose a dollar a week trying to get rich. At worst, I loose $52 a year. At most, I might win some $$$ to help pay for my bills. I expect some big ones down the road. I keep having erections today. I just saw "Starship Troopers".... when I see a naked man, I get hard. When I see a naked woman, I get hard. What the hell? I have no idea. Well.... that's all for now.... in two years I have not won the lottery yet... but i'm not giving up.

November 9th, 1997

Friday afternoon I came home, plopped down, then went back out to go to dinner and a movie. At dinner I sat next to a couple that were extremely overweight. I could not help but focus upon the woman... she was huge. I looked at her, and realized that even if I was 5"11, it is all how you wear you weight. No one would dispute that the large person next to me was a woman.... would they feel the same about me if I kept in shape and maintained my own contours? I felt relieved.

I came back here and went to sleep. It was at about 1:30am that one of the things that a friend said came back into my mind. She pointed out that I still had my mustache. This confused me, but it got me thinking. Why keep the damn thing? So, knowing full well what would happen, I got out of bed and ran some bath water. I put on some music, got in the tub armed with three razor blades and shaved. And shaved. And shaved. It was about two hours later that I emerged from the tub with only hair on my head, arms, and pubic area. I felt like a butterfly emerging from the cocoon. Naturally, I wanted to see myself in pantyhose, so I put them on. Well.... if you give a mouse a cookie.... anyway, in about 20 minutes I was 100% en femme. This was the first time since 1993 that I was made up all the way (all I need now is some comfortable shoes).... clothes, underwear.... make-up.... Isn't this always a unique sensation? Check out La Colge La Faux or the Birdcage... when the Cabinet Member/Senator sees himself in drag... heh!

Well... I looked in the mirror and was shocked.... there was a damn fine looking woman in that mirror!!!! Self-delusion? Perhaps a bit. While not model material, I can say that I do look cute, in a mousy sort of way. I looked before me and I saw an old ex-girlfriend. Back in 1994, I was dating her. She and I were about the same size, and I would wear her clothes at times. So, to see myself in a skirt and sweatshirt, with breasts... Agh.... such emotion.

Anyway, so there I am, at 3am, looking at myself in the mirror. All I can do is to look at that person and ask who they are. I had washed my face prior to applying make-up, so my hair was wet. I combed it strait down, so it covered my forehead.... it reminded me of Liza Meneli... sort of strait-banged hair. Anyway... I looked in the mirror and saw what could of been a very 'butch dyke' in front of me. I wanted so much to reach out and touch her. I talked with her. I remember looking at her and saying "okay you.... what is it that you want from me... who are we?" I think we had an impromptu conversation for about 20 minutes. I remember siting on the bed, looking at myself from many angles in the mirror, and asking myself what I wanted. Naturally, I knew that the woman in the mirror was me, but it was just so shocking. I had pictured myself as being some terrible ogre. And here I was not so... it was just so un-nerving... but a positive experience.

Saturday was nice. I got up and got organized, formulated the DnD adventure for the day, then started to cook. As the time got closer for friends to arrive, I went into the bedroom and started to undress. I looked at myself in the mirror and marvled one last time. I liked the woman in the mirror. I disrobed, and felt some sadness. I went into the bathroom and washed my face. There was little make-up on my wash-rag.... but the little that did come off reminded me that it was just cosmetics to highlight my natural features. I looked at the person in the mirror and still saw the woman. She is there, maybee not as obvious to everyone. I think my mustache was a mask that confirmed my sexuality whenever I took a risk to look at myself in the mirror. But now, when I go back to the mirror and peer at myself, I see the woman. Even without the clothes... the woman is there. She peers back at me with a silent nod saying 'I'm here and waiting... let's take our time and do this right.' I look at myself and just feel optimistic.

You know, there are many similarities between woman and men.... at least on some levels. I sit here... well, I don't even know if that is it. I sit here and admit to myself that yes, I am woman. I say that, and then a few seconds later I squeeze my crotch and feel my testicles move... how is this? What is this? Why is this? There is great satisfaction in being able to say one is woman (that is for a transsexual), and to embrace one's perception of womanhood with full heart and soul. But what I feel can be felt by man as well. How peculiar and non-intellectual my feelings are.

As thinking creatures, we humans try to rationalize everything. At the same time, we have religious training that we accept on 'faith'. I can not prove to you that there is a god, or even a being known as Jesus Christ.... or whatever religious superhero you believe in (prophets, scriptures, structures).... there are some things that you take on faith as being reality. I wonder... could you take it on faith that I am a woman... even when everything else in your world.... your sense of sight, touch, smell convince you otherwise? Physics tells us that we live in a state that will forever go towards chaos and entropy... that is that we shall all die and everything we hold value to will go to waste.

Even our children and the values that we have...they will all die when the Sun goes Nova down the road. And yet, we feel that if we can aid/give emotional fulfillment to that child, we have done good (let me say that I believe in this.... the only thing worth living for is to pass on life and help those in the future.... it is payback for those who tread before me... to 'give back' more than I have received.... can you suspend what you perceive as reality and build on what you would like to be? President Clinton (whom I would like to believe in, but his track record makes me doubtful) said this morning that a key part of living is that we may enjoy our freedom so long as well are law-abiding citizens who contribute to society in a positive way.

There is a great difference in my approach to this, today, that contrasts to 1993. The difference is time. Back in 1993, I had to have everything 'now'... I had to be on hormones, doing the RLT, and telling everyone I was a woman. I have grown since then, I guess more self-reliant, and patient. I realize that I can 'live' as little/much as I want whenever I want....and it does not make me any less of a woman if I get out of bed and reach for boxers instead of panties. I like panties, however I am cursed with 'the package' that rather likes snug fit which reminds it of masturbation... which it takes notice of and acts accordingly.... aye yie yie.... why God why? *silence*

There is a little bit of doubt in my mind about the whole transsexual business. I guess I have rampaged in the past and felt 'so sure' about something only later to let it go. That frightens me, but I don't think this is anything out of the ordinary. I can say however that a tremendous burden has dissipated from my shoulders. I don't have to worry about 'am I', 'will I', or all that crap. I just am. I am told that there is a point where 'am I' will not be an issue. In my opinion, this is true, but only in that you surrender that doubt in the name of sanity and hope for the best. It is odd to take a moment, reach for the coffee, take some, and then stretch and enjoy the sensation of just being alive... seeing one's breasts and saying 'this feels nice'... 'this is who I am'... to have the strap of one's bra cut into one's back and feel security. All of that. It is odd in that the next minute, when you get up to get something, you have to adjust your crotch because your testicles are getting squeezed.... heheheh.

It is not ironic... nor is it malicious intent.... but in my opinion humor for a transsexual to feel 'I am woman' and then get an erection. I look on that with humor now... for I know that one day my penis wont be around, and it will be my vagina.... yes MY vagina that gets stimulated.... and the damn thing will be inside of me and not visible to everyone else who just happens to look between my legs.

I know that I want a family if possible. I want children to mother and a husband to love for me, and for me to love. Perhaps I could find such in another woman, but there are something's that my society has instilled in my brain. I want a wedding, with a dress that shows off my breasts. I want a man who will treat me as an equal but also as a woman. I want a man to have sex with me, putting his penis inside of my vagina and I want both of us to have an orgasm. I want him to fondle my breasts and suck on my clit. I want to rub his shoulders and suck on his penis. (I'm getting steamy just thinking about this.... whew.... down boy....) Doubt comes in and says 'what if your just a latent homosexual male'? I say.... not a chance buddy!!! I plan to go to the general Gay and Lesbian meeting this week. I don't know who I shall find there, but right now I plan on being honest with other people.

I guess here is another thought to think about. While I cannot have a pussy right now, I can live 'as a woman' because I am woman. This is a real big concept to accept and digest. The issue is not 'am I a woman'.... the issue is that I AM a woman, and my sexuality differs. While I am not in love with the idea that I have to wait for a pussy, I can almost do everything else that I really want to do RIGHT NOW! And that makes life easy. In order to get a pussy, I need about $20,000.... in order to get that money, I either have to win the lottery (which I buy one ticket a week for this reason, btw) or I have to work. I can make that money quicker if I work as a Science Teacher, which for the time being I must do 'en male'.

I am not 100% sure yet, but Karen is getting closer and closer to me. I am her, and she is me. There will come a day when the old me must die for Karen to live.

I am feeling this now.... it is a remorse that my friends and family will encounter... maybe not today or tomorrow, but in the future. Again, I realize that I am between two worlds right now, and I don't expect anyone that I know to call me Karen instead of my old name. But, I am formally declaring this to myself right now… I am Karen.

November 9, 1997 (10:55pm)

One of the things I did was let my mom know about some of the things I was thinking about. The only thing she said back to me was that it sounded as if I had thought things out, and that my intention to do things slowly and with concern gave more credibility to my feelings... she knew I was sincere, which holds a lot in my book. My mom said that she hoped that I would continue to pursue a career in education, and that I might have some difficulty keeping things among a select few—I needed others to know, and that was not always the best thing. And with that... I'm going to hit the sack.... night!

note:

So the chase is on again, it would seem. I addressed some concern about me being indecisive... flipping between 'being a transsexual and not.' I believe that over time I have been discovering what I am not... and within a year I had discovered that I was "not man"... so what was I? am I? Today I believe myself to be transexual, and have been actively dealing with not doing HRT since July of '98... time will tell.

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