11/11/97 Veterans Day

I attended my last Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual meeting. I stayed for the first hour, then had to bail. I don't know why, but I just did not fit in with a group of gay males.

This is peculiar to say, but I don't fit in with a group of gay men. I am not gay, or at least in the sense that I am a gay man. I am a woman, and a woman first. I don't know... the idea of sleeping with another woman does not excite me, nor am I repulsed. It's hard to explain. Mentally I have switched to a 'ten year' plan to explain my situation. I may have accelerated the process this morning when I found a website for Igia, which is a home electrolysis type thingy. It uses sound waves instead of electricity to fry the hair roots. My experience with Igia is that it does more damage than good. Better to wait/save up for laser treatment or electrolysis than taking it into your own hands

I have started to refer to myself as Karen more often... in replies amongst friends. I don't expect them to follow suit, but we shall see what's what. Of course, right now I feel so Karen-ish... I'm wearing an androgynous blue shirt, a black skirt, house booties (slip them on your feet, they keep you warm), a stuffed bra and make-up the full way. I'll be alone here for a little while, and when things get cranking later on today, I'll tone it down some.

So far everyone of the key three friends have been very receptive... I even got a request from a friend to see me in a skirt... hee hee hee. We shall see what happens. I checked up on the voice tape, it seems to be in transit, which is a good thing

I don't know, I guess I am just dealing with this one day at a time, and trying to keep an even keel. I feel the warmth within me, and that is important. I look at my hands... so muscular and hairy.... and I have doubt. I took a look at Melanie Ann Phillips' webpage, and found some images of her as she is now, 8 years into the deal.... she is the same height as me, but about 100 pounds lighter.... I would like to have that body!!! She looks great!

There is even a picture of her in a 2-piece bikini.... geeze.... I look at her and see breasts!!!! You would never know. I want that for me as well... so hard to see right now... I have such a big body and little head.... maybe long hair would help? I don't know. Who knows what the future holds? Gotta find out...

Nov 16 97

I spent this weekend learning a few things about myself. I have learned that I am a woman who wants to be loved by a man. I don't know how, but I am going to one day be with that man.

Nov 18 97

Some good news today... I got a phone call a little while ago from Dr. W, which will be the UF therapist that I see. The 'goal' of the therapist is to help me deal with any sort of stress/depression related to having to wait until I start to transition. I don't know if she will be able to help me, but I will see. Still, seeing her is a step in the right direction. Seeing Dr. W did help out, however we quickly ran out of things to talk about... the only thing bothering me was dealing with not being able to do HRT at the time... and I had a good handle on that.

I don't know if it is 'okay' for two people to be like we are... but I do know it is okay with me, and in sharing/communicating it is okay with her. There have been times when I wished that I was a crossdressor, and that I wanted to live the rest of my life as a man. It seems to me that she could accept this part of my personality. For the most part, however, I feel that our relationship is ideal... we can provide emotional support for each other and the physical as well.

It was nice last night—she came over and we watched Monty Python. I sat next to her and she put her hand in mine. It was so romantic... I sighed then as I do now... There was another thing as well, and that was that she asked me to put on a skirt... I don't know why, but she asked, and I did, and that makes me feel even more for this woman. I don't know if what I feel could be called 'love', but it is something. I think I am starting to look at her from a space where love dwells... I am inviting her in, and she me. We need to communicate more. When next we meet I will try to look a bit more female, and see what happens... while I have been wearing my 'house' skirt around whist my friends are here, I have not been wearing my bra... so I guess I should start that or something.

On that note, so far I have done 5 hours on the Igia, which is a home hair-removal kit. So far with positive results... it's nearly painless, and easy to do. I am hoping to build better hand-eye coordination over time. One thing that removing the hair does is that it makes me more androgynous.... which is a good thing.... and a bad thing. The good thing is that with every plucked hair, my face gets smother and more female looking. The bad thing is that I am getting to see more and more of the woman inside of me... and so can the world. What makes this 'bad' is that she wants to come out more, and I have to wait on that for a while.

It is a quite an experience to look at her in the mirror and see her.... before she was hidden behind a mask of grey shadow... even after a close shave.... and when that shadow is gone I see the complexion that she has.... this makes me happy... but it also makes me ask what the world around me thinks about my activities... will there come a time when by looking at me an outsider will question my gender? What then? I look forward to the future, but I am concerned as well. There will be a time when my fingernails are to the point where if I let them grow they will 'appear female' (long and contoured, just minus the nail polish), and there will be a time when my hair is long and full... so that if I do not have it in a ponytail, it will look female.... My face will be as smooth as a baby's bottom... no grey shadows... and after seeing me work from 9am to 5pm you will notice that I don't get the shadow.... what will you think? What will you assume about me....?

Nov 19 97

I am writing because I feel somewhat at the bottom but I am not giving up. My car is dying, and I don't know what I am going to do. I was going to drive on home for thanksgiving. I don't know where I stand with my lady friend, or myself. Blah blah blah.... I'll keep trying.

What else can I do? My lady friend wrote me as Karen today, and used female pronouns... I had to smile.

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