Nov 3

 

Another day… wearing sweater/skirt/hose… want to be more female… blah blah blah.

 

 

Nov 6

 

 

But for now… it is silent.   I guess I have the blahs big time.  Nothing I really want to do.  Nothing I really want to see.  I know I put in a good days’ work… even for a Saturday… I mean I even exercised and took some pictures.  I guess this is the best things will get right now.  No complaints… things still look good for me to transition when the money is there, and I feel like today I’ve taken steps to make me get there… making myself marketable and such.  I guess that’s it.

 

I still feel empty, however.  Nothing really to fill it up.  Seems that most adult things are diversions… eating a meal, having sex.  I guess I just have to laugh.  Not really looking for more.  I’m not really unhappy… just want to have a woman’s body.  Can’t have that now, so doing the best I can.  Again, no sadness… I accept that I must wait, and save my pennies.  Feel like so much to save for… but nothing really “to do” right now… you know?

 

 

Nov 8

 

I feel like I goofed up somewhere.  I’m not a millionaire.   I’d settle for half that… actually just enough to see me beyond SRS.  Am I crazy for thinking that way?  I just got done catching the last few minutes of a game show… sorting of feeling sad.  I guess we all have things we want, eh? 

 

Guess I should be content with being able to wear my bra/skirt/shirt for now… hmm.  Is this to be my existence for the next 3 or 4 years?  And what of the time beyond… the two years where I do electrolysis… or the two it takes to develop my body… what then?  Guess I just have to be patient and find out, eh?  What other choice do I have?

 

Nov 10

 

Hello again.  Well… I made it though the phone call phase of the Millionaire show… sort of nervous- what if I actually made it?  A flood of doubts enter my mind.  The dream- the hope is there… winning money to pay off debts and start me down the TS path again… *sigh*

 

I hate to waste space with that thought… but it is at the forefront of my mind right now… what if I could win enough money to pay off my loans, credit cards, and to pay for all the medical bills?  That would be crazy.  To do so would mean a rare chance for a computer to select me tomorrow between noon and 3 pm.  And whatever comes next.  Anything is possible.

 

Nov 12 – Friday Night

 

I think for a subject for tonight’s entry would be “how to waste a Friday Night.”  I did get invited to go out… but I passed.  Something about eating dinner with a group of people you don’t know… and/or wanting to be something that you’re not on the outside… can remember the last party I went to where inside I was overflowing female and outside quiet as could be. 

 

I’d say I hate this… sitting around in the dark, but I know it is my choice.  Why must I go through this?  Hmm?  Any answers?  I guess sipping coffee is not all that bad an existence… but I guess I’m tired of it… I know I should be thankful for what I have.  Crap…  why must I wait till 200-whats-its?  Hmm?  Oh well.  What else to do.  What difference would it make anyway?  I’d just be a lady with real breasts bored instead of a guy with a stuffed bra, eh?

 

Late

 

Me here… typing on the floor.  I’m so fucking tired of sitting on my ass… so I’m laying down if that makes any sense.  I feel so angry tonight… just wanting to be more female I guess… wanting more than I could handle right now I suppose…. But yikes… I’m desperate for some companionship or something.  As always, wonder why I was made this way and all that baloney.  No answers.

 

Wish I had something to offer in the way of wisdom. I was laying there in my bed and feeling really bad… and I decided to get up and write something about it.  The feelings.  I feel so helpless.  Frustrated that I can’t be doing electrolysis right now.  I want to move on, I want to find out who this girl inside me is, and grow into womanhood.  I want this as soon as possible… when, when, when?!?

 

Nov 13

 

I feel like I want to write out an invisible prison that I made… I say that I made it, but it’s not like I took it out of a box and there was a prison.    But this invisible prison has no walls per se… just a way of living I suppose.   The quick and easy explanation is that it is some kind of gender GID manifestation of dears, hopes, desires, and limitations one associates with gender.  That would be too easy. 

 

No… this is the story of a person who is in-between stages on a variety of fronts.  They have enough money to make rent and food… and that’s about it.  Actually I have a $10 a week stipends/allowance that I can spend on whatever I choose.   

 

I have a new face… maybe it’s an old one making a reappearance.  But it’s the super-mega-pout face.  I think if someone was here they would say “stop that… or it will stay permanently.  But it’s a pouting face.  It’s a gee I have to be like this for another day face.  before you digest that last statement, I guess I have a need to talk about it.

 

Either I’m just like everyone else, or I have the unique talent of being able to see the stings and backdrops to life.  It’s be too easy to say it was a Head thing… if you're keen on the Ennegram.  But  I don’t know what else to attribute it too.  The idea is that I am able to look at the world around me as it is to  be… no biggie, right? Well, what I mean to say is that life has resolved itself into the most ordinary and un-romantic components… a empirical formula for judging happiness and one’s standing in life. 

 

I don’t believe in Heaven or Hell… and most religions make me shudder.  So in all abstraction, I’d have to say that my life is devoid of meaning… other than to scribble away all an early time on a Saturday morning like today.  But my life is meaningless to me… I’m a commentator who attributes no value to anything… expect perhaps what my Mom things about me.  I can’t explain that either.   But I do care what my mom things.   She is the only thing that matters I suppose… and yet, in order to do something that I want to do… namely SRS, I will risk loosing her.   Does that diminish anything?  I’m not sure.

 

So… here I am, a male wearing a purple sweater and blue skirt… a stuffed bra… and wondering is this all?  I want to be more female, you see… I believe I should be more female.  I want it.  Not the easiest thing in the world to achieve… but I want it.  It’s all I want… it dominates my life, and my thoughts.  Everything has become relational to that one goal.  In one light I’m clearly focus, in another I am obsessive.

 

Regardless of what I am… well, I still want to be more female.  But, as I said, not something a person can do on their own… takes drugs, support, and money.  And I guess in the end a surgeon who knows what they are doing.  So much to do… makes me which I wanted to own a fast car, or I wanted to be a great painter or something.  But no… that would be too easy… or rather in all serious ness that hat is not what I want.  So I continue.

 

But… all I was saying earlier have this talent to see abstractions… everything seems to have become insignificant next to my goal of electrolysis… what I see as the next step in my development.  But as I said I don’t have access to the type of funds that will make that happen any time soon.  So I am left with nothing.  No desires… no wants.  I only want to be more female… I want breasts… a body of a  woman, a woman’s voice,.. I want to be treated by a woman, and fall in love with a man.  How illogical all that is… in what I said earlier bout seeing only the abstract truth.  Makes a lie out of truth. 

 

So…  I am left here with nothing… waiting.  Waiting.  This gets repeatitive and pointless.  But there’s nothing I really want… can you get that?  I mean this is futility city.    I say that, and I get no relief.  My situation is akin to walking around and rubbing sandpaper over one’s knuckles.  That is my life.  But I don’t know anything for it… I’m not the one with the sandpaper… that’s just life.  That’s just society.  I wonder… why would such an abomination be… or the situation exist.  Why must I suffer?  No answer. 

 

Time passes… with no change.  The desires persist.  There is an answer… but I will have to wait for it.  But still the sadness persists.   No help to be offered.  Nothing.  I have no broken leg… no outward sign of trouble… just an inward spiral of depression.  But what else to do… nothing to be done. 

 

I miss the old times… I guess.  I miss waking up and thinking there was a purpose.  Perhaps there is significance somewhere… but not right now.  Be thankful for what I have… be thankful I have a job… be thankful for knowing who I am, and that if I wait long enough things will work out. 

 

I cannot control when… other than to not kill myself.  That is reality.  Work hard, save money.  Don’t whine about it… do something.    I feel so helpless… and unhappy.

 

I’ve been told that I can choose how to live my day… I’ve hear wise men say this.. so I say I choose today not to suffer… I will live and enjoy this day… but I don’t feel any better.  I till suffer. 

 

It seems like everything I can think of to do is a diversion.  Again a through trickles thought my head about being a fully post-op nu-woman and feeling just as bad.    I’d just bee here with a warm vibrator next to me and wishing for a man or something… that’s what the old therapists say… TS is not a cure-all.

 

The trouble is that when you think you know what the TS maze looks like, or at least the problems that you encounter can be associated to TS stuff… seems to me to try the TS stuff and if that does not fix things then tackle the next problem.  Still… I am so confused about things.  So confused.    Miss the human touch… miss being in love.  How cold my flesh is,   Nice to lay here and imagine being embraced and loved.  Is that what I want?  No t without conditions… I don’t want to be with a woman… I want to be a woman with a man.  I want to be that woman… can’t have it now.  But I can imagine.  That I can do.

 

Diversions.  Looking for diversions.  Looking to feel a gap.  New things can be diversions.  Activities can be diversions.  Two easy ones are exercise and voice training.  I try to exercise three times a week, and every day I read /listen to my voice in an attempt to feminize it.    I do these so that one day, should be given the chance to do electrolysis, when the times comes for me to walk/talk as a woman I can do so.  It takes a longtime to loose fat… and s long time to retrain one’s voice box.  Those are diversions.

 

I used to enjoy so many things… or was it that I was just kept busy in school.  But what would l like right now?  Hmm?  Something achievable.  Hmmm.

 

Nov 15

 

Had another quick-view of the other MTF at work today… she looked really nice.  Everyone in my part of the office made fun of her.  Part of me wants to transition real, real, read bad… but only choice is to wait.  Felt real crummy… would people make fun of me the same way?  Of course light-years away from that… but right now I want to be transitioning.  To my credit, I did exercise my body and voice.

 

 

Nov 18

 

ATD it would seem.  Came home and I was in a real funk.  Still feel somewhat bad but getting better.  Oh well.  Another night comes to a close… as the eye-liner smears… heh.  Sounds like a bad soap opera… but, as the last few minutes of the night pass, I like’d like to write some stuff down.

 

One is that it amazes me how novel my bra is… I mean I wear it for 6 or 8 hours, get used to it, and then when I take it off I’m like “oh, do I have to take it off, I want to remember what it felt like…pooh.”  Geeze. 

 

Second is that one of my life goals was to experience as much of life as I could.  I wonder perhaps is that is why I was born into this world as a male, and will leave it as a female?  So I could experience both sides of the fence?  Just curious. 

 

Nov 19

 

Friday night.  Just got done watching Sabrina… the two older women remind me how different women’s bodies can be.  Amazing how the less a woman wears, the tighter it is, the more you see of her curves… the delineation between the sexes.  Just curious.  I guess it’s ATD and all that.

 

Painted my fingernails, blah, blah, blah.  Heh… sorry, I guess I am getting sleepy.

 

Nov 21

 

Just checked my bank account, something is amiss… spent some food money to get some new cosmetics just yesterday.  I doubt Max Factor would of made a difference, so I may go a wee bit hungry, but I’ll have great looking lips.   Yikes!  Oh well ATD and all that.

 

Nov 30

 

I’m currently wearing long skirt and sweatshirt…  and enough lipstick to resuscitate my chap’d lips. Well, I guess I wanted to take a quick moment and fill in some of the details… life can be that way at times… in spurts.

 

 

I’ve noticed that I tend to get real sleepy when I get home from work… then as the night goes on I get more energy.  Really I suppose that is it… bought some software over the weekend… I saw it over Turkey day… Cosmopolitan Virtual Make-Over… I thought it would be more than it was, but as it turns out it is okay… it does let you put make-up on a picture of yourself, and experiment with a number of hairstyles. 

 

I guess I am doing okay… as I said I get real sleepy at night.  With the cooling weather I don’t exercise as much… sort of looking forward to the times ahead when I can do something more about some extra fat I have.