October 13, 1997

I have spent today partly in silent desperation, worrying all day about what might happen in the future between my fiancée and myself. Last night a friend told myself, my fiancée, and another friend that he was gay. It was not that much of a surprise, and kudos to him for being so brave and honest. What got me worrying here was that in a period of super reasoning, somehow it came forth that I often think about crossdressing. My fiancée and I have decided to wait until later this week, where we will go and see a counselor of some sort. I really do love her, and would not want anything to come between us.

Of course I had been wearing her cosmetics and pantyhose for several months... and was shopping for a plaid skirt for myself behind her back... talk about me living in denial!

14 Oct 97

I am 25 years old, and very much a healthy person. Ever since I can remember, I have always been drawn to women. I love women very much... to the point that I'd like to be one. I like to imagine myself as a woman from time to time. As a joke, I say that I am a lesbian trapped inside a mans body. I sometimes wonder if such a thing is possible, perhaps I am in fact a woman. Not biologically of course, but if it is possible to isolate one's psyche from one's body... very similar to Ghost in the Shell, then my Ghost is that of a woman.

Our reason for counseling is that there are times when I wish to express my female soul physically. I wish to express myself externally. When I was younger, I tried out what it would be like to be a woman externally all the time. I know that I stopped taking the estrogen and getting the electrolysis for a variety of reasons. One of them was the cost. I quickly spent $1000 between everything involved. Another was the fact that had I continued to go down the transsexual path, I would of ended up as an ugly woman... most importantly I would loose my voice.

These pop up from time to time. My thinking is that people come in all shapes, sizes, and sounds. And, as I go along the path of non-HRT change, becoming more androgenous, I like what I see in the mirror.

This did not really make sense to me until I reached a point where the estrogen started to effect my voice. So much of my life is in the mimicking and voices that I do. While these reasons are important, are they enough to stop me from taking the pills? Looking back, I think I realized that I did not want to make any changes to myself at that time.

I do have my thoughts and doubts from time to time, but I think that is normal. I am sure, however, that I do want to be able to express my more feminine desires from time to time. There are times when I can get away with a mental image or trick, but I have noticed times when just imagining is not enough.

Sunday Late, 10/20/97

Well, here I am again... alone in the dark. I sit upon one of the blue couches. I am alone right now. Very alone. Tonight makes it a week ago a friend 'came out' to everyone over here. That night I told my fiancée that I sometimes wanted to wear a skirt. Tonight we had a rather lengthy conversation about what I like. We talked for a long while, and near the end she asked me what I thought about us sleeping in the same bed, and I said all I wanted was to be near her. She could not make up her mind about me, and here I sit on this couch... unable to go to sleep. I am alone. I am not the man that she fell in love with… so who am I?

Breaking up is hard to do, or so the song goes. Looking back to '97... I feel sorry for both people. For her, up until that point she was in love and happy with a guy who full-filled her needs and desires. The woman that I am today longs for a simular someone. I feel empathy for him, becuase up until that point he thought he had found someone to meet his needs. Lost, alone, and perhaps even a bit ashamed, he went on trying to discover who I am... and how could he make things work... even if only for a short time. Life does not stop... there are things to do, bills to pay, and of course people to see and be with. Being a pre-pre-op TS allows you several freedoms because you can still interface into male society for a bit... even 2 years later I've yet to master this existance of balance, compromise, and moderation.

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