Oct 3

Mom asked me about the Scout job… which I really and written off. I don’t know now about it.. of course I have no new info… but this would be the week for them to contact me if they needed someone. I don’t know if I’d take it if it were offered to me… Widgets seems to be a good company to work for. But I wonder about it now… I was so enthusiastic about it then. I wonder if I could hack it… being a Ranger. I suppose I’d have to find out what a Ranger does… really think about it. Strange to think that so much could happen… you know.

You think you are doing something… then another comes up. For me right now that could be job-related, relationship-related, or maybe even some TG in there as well. It’s nice to have the possibility to do something… nice to think about so many options… curious to see what pans out.

Oct 4

Wish I could figure out what was up. In a strange mood. Just took off bra and such… wish I could isolate my feelings… iron them out. I feel lost in some way, and I don’t want to sit in front of computer any more today… but I know this is the fastest way I have of getting out info… my feeling and such. Feel empty… cheated in some ways… but I don’t know what’s missing. There’s a feeling of contentment I suppose. What am I looking for… I don’t know. Stability I guess… but life must be more than working all day and doing diversions at night… at least I thought so.

Want to be someone… don’t know who. Why can’t I just enjoy being me. Why can’t I just be me… who is me? A person I suppose. But I can’t sit still so much energy and yet I know I should just relax. Why must I watch a movie, why must I eat. Like I have all this power and nothing to do... true I have diversions… videos and such, but I don’t know what I really want to do. Wonder what is true, and what is illusion. Think I should write or something, or take hot bath. I’m craving chocolate big time… dreaming of German chocolate cake… but that’s sensual diversion again.

What do I want… companionship I suppose. Again wonder why I can’t just be me, why must I seek out something that is so false… I’m speaking of the female me. Wish I could divide and let the pair meet… maybe they’d get along. Perhaps just lonely… maybe ready for more… more life things… a cat or dog… or wife. But I’d hate to tell someone the wrong thing… do the wrong thing. Yikes. But all is well here… things starting to happen. This is the last month of the low bank account perhaps. If Widgets gives go on job, things could really start to move up for me.

I’m not asking for trouble… everything is here… status quo and such… why must I seek more? What am I looking for… more movies? No. I guess seeking more than things… feelings I suppose. Want to share and love. Who ever I am. Want to turn off the head and let the body go free… but no one around. Could/should get out of house and go to store and get chocolate cake… don’t necessarily have money but to shut me up I’d take it. I know things are better than I make them… but seem so distant.

Oct 6

Well… I finally did it… after what felt like an eternity. I am wearing my old sweater, skirt, and hose… somehow lost one of my black flats… so I’m wearing one black, one brown. Oh well… not the fashion person. I say "finally" above because it seems like for the past few days I’ve been thinking about CDing a bit… I know no biggie… but after what I was doing all summer, well, this is a "big step."

I feel like I’m trying to make sense out of things… how I feel where I am going ,etc. Hard to make sense of everything. But what is happening. It’s like I want "so bad" to be with someone, but where would I find the time? And I guess that goes ditto for any "Kasumi" time right now… on a variety of fronts. I don’t want to back myself into a corner or "do something stupid" like commit myself either way right now… no point in doing either… if that makes sense. I’m talking about "selling out" to the idea of getting on estrogen, getting married, or giving up on any TG feelings.

I know that for the time being that I really cannot do anything but plan for what I want to accomplish. I don’t mean that as a whine… but I really won’t know what I want to do till I am given the opportunity to try… if that makes any sense… and for right now TG stuff is not in the cards. And, for the past two weeks or so I have not even CD’d. I don’t want to waste time right now trying to figure out who I am and where I am headed—because I am afraid of setting myself up for disappointment when I realize there is nothing I can do right now about my feelings.

Me again – later. Was sitting there smoking my pipe and an advert for 20/20 came on… tonight’s issue… the story of a TS… yippee! Here we go again? I’m not so sure. Not much has changed in my life… but I feel like I have to write never-the-less.

Perhaps I do need to get on the Prozac again… and stay on it. I’m not miserable. As I was waiting for the coffee to warm up I was singing Norse songs and acting like a Viking. This morning before lunch all I wanted was to get some relief from somewhere. Post-lunch I was back on survival stuff… making money to pay my bills and such. This afternoon I was glad to imagine I was female, and enjoying a few moments ago not being so. With so much confusion, what can I say… do? Wait for 20/20 I suppose.

I feel like I’m waiting for something… and everything now is just a diversion. I dislike looking at women at work and wanting to be them… and I doubt myself in relationships. Assuming that Ms. L (latest potentiality) was "the best"… could I live in envy of her? I remember back when I was living with S or being with J and wanting so much to wear their clothes… I don’t like feeling this way… feeling like there are some-things that I want that I know I can never have.

Is my life to be me wanting something beyond my grasp? Based on my experience, I’d have to say that I need to wait and see… whether the storm so to speak. I mean even now I sit here wearing my favorite house knock-arounds… the weather changing… starting to get cold. Soon I’ll have to wear sweat pants and socks… no more pure boxers and white-t’s… I may end up wearing my favorite sweater/skirt combos.

Having been so close to "transitioning"… at least physically, I lament for a moment getting my haircut. Tonight’s Drew had something about giving in… Steve is going to marry Mimi… and Drew was kidding Steve about being whipped. I wonder if that is the position that I will be in someday… would have been in someday.

I am not praying for death, or an early release, but I wonder in many ways what is to become of me, and perhaps even if I’ll live long enough to see my dreams come to reality. I’ve given into false hopes before… longing to "be a woman" and doing my best to survive… certainly I’m not ready right now to walk into Widgets and say "you’ll be seeing some changes in me soon."… I mean I’m not even ready to contemplate that. And yet I do.

Again I know my limitations… and for sure the future is blank… anything can happen. Am I destined to live the next few years alone? And what of the finances? Yikes. I guess if Widgets works out than that is for the best right now. My main goal is to keep me alive and happy. I don’t want to miss out on life, however… I don’t want to miss out on being happy and who I am.

Oct 9

Been a strange sort of day… up at 4:30am… went grocery shopping and got my car tested for good emissions. Came home, dragged out the skirt box and waa-la, here I am again. Did a bang-up job on the cosmetics. Even put the voice through some training exercises. Wondering what’s up, where I’m headed… yikes! Wish I could change this body to reflect me… less hair on the arms, less body mass. Oh well. Tonight going to have some new-pals from Widgets over… so soon I’ll need to de-K and clean. Oh well… just wanted to share.

From letter to sister, Oct 9:

Happiness. An illusive concept. What is "happy" to one person may be "sorrow" for another. So why do we try so hard to capture something that is so fleeting and contemporary. I can remember an "After School" special I saw once that dealt with Happiness... or rather the state/quest of reaching a state of pure Happiness. A message from that video was that "Happiness" is different things to different people. A challenge would be for each of us to find that thing that makes them "happy".

I tend to find that Happiness for me comes in the form of stimulations or diversions. I believe there is a God out there in the Cosmos, but God on the most part is too busy to make me "Happy". I don't pray to God... I would not want to interfere with our friendship. I don't believe in Heaven or Hell... and I certainly don't believe in any incarnation of Evil... aka Satan, aka the Devil... beyond perhaps making the Universe and playing Cosmic Pool, everything I have encountered as "God/Religion" is something that the Humans of this planet have devised. The only difference between Theology and Mythology is contemporary revitalization and perpetuation of a belief. I don't believe in an Afterlife... I'm not working hard for "Soul Merits" that I can redeem later on. So everything that will "make me happy" can only be found on this Planet, for me, in the remaining years of my life. So I am left with some very basic empirical things for happiness.

But what does that leave me? Stimulation’s, diversions? It all seems so trite, or to quote the Barenaked Ladies, "It's all been done"... with my superior intellect I can do anything... I can learn to play the piano... I can learn how to weld together an Air Craft Carrier, I can learn how to fly... I can learn how to rebuild a carburetor if I wanted to. You see, all these things are within my grasp... it's only a matter of having the time to invest in leading how to do something, and then doing it. Hopefully I enjoy what I am doing, or at least at the end I make some financial gain that I may invest in another form of happiness... exchanging little green pieces of paper for another material good.

But is that it? Material goods? Jumping back to stimulation... no... stimulation can come in the form of thrills (rollercoasters, sex), drugs (caffeine, coffee, chocolate), or good food. These are the carnal pleasures that kept the Romans eating, barfing, and eating again for days at a time. Like the above, however, it's something that does not last.

Perhaps there can be a series of materialist things or a long-term project... like say you are carving the face of your favorite President into a rock outcropping, or you are building a Cathedral one stone at a time. Another venue is to meddle in the lives of others... become a school teacher or councilor of some kind, and assist others as they grow and begin/complete their own quest... assuming they are searching for "happiness".

It seems to me that most "happiness" is a combination of the above, and some people are happy with them. Raising a family is a combination of creating and directing a generation of lives... living vicariously as another person grows... getting involved in the things that were "amazing" or "wonderful" to you as a child... Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, etc.

What I find difficult is that I guess I see these things for what they are... diversions or things to do "in the mean time". I guess what I really wonder about, is there more to this experience as the Artist Formally Known as Prince would say "this thing called life... " than these things. I mean for me, I feel like I understand them, and don’t' really care to do them. In the end, everything crumbles to dust... my future is decomposing into basic elements. All I see before me is when the Sun goes Nova in 4.5 billion years and everything on this planet melting into space. There is no point in my eyes to do anything because "its all been done" and life has no meaning beyond carnal pleasures. So in the words of George Eastman (one half of Eastman-Kodak), "why wait?" What is to be gained? What am I to do?

My life is akin to being the only meat-eater in a world of vegetarians... you can quietly get along with everyone but there is a quiet rebellion that is going on. You know at your core that you live so differently, or you see the world so differently... how can you possibly co-exist. It's the quiet subversion of the religious dogma... where people "are not very religious" but they wear a Cross or Star of David and continue to celebrate religious holidays and do traditions without even knowing the symbolic impact. It is "celebrating" the Birth of Christ in the Winter when he was born in the Summer... it's like accepting Bullshit and perpetuating it. I guess that is my own personal state of affairs... seeing all the lies and deceptions that are going on around me and powerless to do anything about it... if I express my opinion I am an outcast. So instead I am quiet.

Perhaps what I am saying has nothing to do with being happy... which I suppose is what this email is about... or rather my own reflections on what we were talking about. I guess it ties in because those around me buy into the Religious bullshit, and when all else fails they point you to the crap they believe in... Pray to God and you'll feel happy. I feel like saying "why not stop using God as a crutch and change your own life so you can be happy" to them. But I have to temper that with I look at my own life and I can't say I'm happy either. But shit, do you honestly think that by saying the Rosary over-and-over again, that you'll be earning "Soul Merits" that you can cash in for a better view in Heaven? Get real... if a person spent the time they devote to repeating religious nonsense into building homes for the poor, or assisting the elderly... that would make a real difference in their life than mumbling crap to an anthropomorphic deity. But I myself don't donate my time to Habitat for Humanity... I'm not a hypocrite here- I don't invest time in religious rituals or myths either.

But I can say that I'm content enough to be alive. While I have nothing in my life right now I want within my grasp, I'm not "unhappy"... I do have food in my fridge and heat in my apartment... and perhaps those are the things to be unhappy about not having... going hungry or being homeless... those are things we do have control over, and we have gotten so accustomed to having them we are "not happy just" with them. I'm not sure. I am in a period right now of transition between college life and adult life... so until things settle down I can't move beyond being "content". I can only suggest that if you're not happy, try something and see if it works.

And now time for #3, the last point. You've known me over 25 years... that’s a long time. You know I change allot. I have not quite figured out where my next move will be. I am currently adjusting as I said above to adult life. I had no idea what being an Adult would mean in the long run. I don't know yet... I've only been out of college for a month. It amazes me that Mom and Dad have been out working for as long as they have done. So I really can't speak with any authority... but I can share with you what I have experienced at a month out... and perhaps some more too.

I'm starting to believe that Work is not necessarily something enjoyable a person does. Work is something you do... and after-Work you do the things you enjoy. I'm not saying that we're all cogs in a machine... but I think about the Monotony of Dad's Job... which he does for 15-18 hours a day around Christmas time... or the shit of Mom's job... which seems to be draining her of all life right now like a Vampire. But I think there's a "trick" of finding something you don't hate 51% of the time and just do it. It's nice to think about a good place to work... perhaps people and place... but in the end, well... at least from the past 4 weeks... just leaving the house, and doing something for 9 hours... for me it helps pass the time... I even find I want to go back to work just to have something to do.

I mentioned Transition... I think the pendulum inside of me has swung on over into Male mode... been working the past month as "that clean shaven, nice guy"... which I put up with. To be honest I don't know what's up within me. To many things happening. Nothing I really want to say or do... or can do at this time in my life. I have not gotten confirmation on actually being hired full time at Widgets... so I don't know how much income I'll have... making $5 a month does not allow much for the Materialistic diversions I talked about above.

But... I must say that I'm quietly sad on the inside. My main concern since leaving college has been providing for myself... food, shelter... and neglecting my inner self. Perhaps that applies to you as well in some way... perhaps whilst you find yourself with all the things "to make you happy"... nice Husband, nice House, nice Child... you really are not feeling happy... like there's a hole inside you that you can't quite describe? I have not isolated that void within me yet... I hate to state the obvious from my past... my gender dysphasia. I mean there's nothing I can do about that right now... for a good 3 years I have to play "that clean shaven, Nice Guy" before I can do anything to get me more where I want to go. But I think I can dig your pain. I have all the tools/signs of being "okay", but I'm really not.

If I say I don't have a reason to be alive, I don't want people to think I'm suicidal or crazy. I just "know" that I won't be happy till I do some of the things I've always wanted... and even then there is a chance I wont' be happy. But I think I'll be less un-happy. Hmm. Well, I'm not sure about all of this... I have time to discover.

I know for me, that I'm not really going to be happy dating a girl... the sex is good, but all the time I'd be envious of her... I've tried being the boyfriend... and it's just not me. Hmm... I'm willing to try things... you know, but there's something inside that says no matter what I do my ultimate goal will be electrolysis, hormones, and surgery. I'm sure that must sound like a crock of shit to you... as I said I'm going to try other things. But I don't think it's fair to marry a woman, and wreck her life in 10/15 years time when the "real me" comes out.

So--- the bulk of #3 is just me saying that while I think I'm a good person to chat with, I myself am in a period where I am searching for what I am looking for... but I don't really have access... or rather I do, but I don't... have access to things that I think would make me happy. But my happy is not your happy. But I realize that what you have as happy, that may be my happy, may not be happy... perhaps happy is beyond things or people...

It's too easy to say "nothing will make you happy"... it's harder to go looking and try different things. Perhaps also it's too easy to say "go looking and try different things"... discovery will only come through doing. And I guess that is where I am at... experimenting and such. And I haven't found anything really to say... but I'm not giving up yet. And that is what keeps me going... the idea that it is out there somewhere, I just have not found it yet.

Oct 10

Another week coming to a close… since I have tomorrow off I am in a very comfortable mood/place. Sort of trying to make sense of things. Wondering if it’s better to just put my TG feelings on hold till a time comes when I can actually do something about it. Again have to wait and see… eliminate all the outside variables.

Oct 11

Spent the day at Mammoth Cave, about mid-way-through the tour there was an eruption of "I’m TS darn-it!", which is cooling off. I’ve not taken my Prozac for today yet. But it was a very nasty period of time… between then and now. Again, know nothing can be done "right now" but take care of body and voice. Strangely enough, as I was singing some TMBG, I slipped into "Kasumi" voice and talked/sang for about an hour. Right now not sure what I’ll do, I think I’ll get comfortable, take a shower, shave, break out my favorite skirt/bra/shirt, and just relax. Been a real crazy day.

I’m trying to think of a good analogy for what I am feeling. I feel like I am an explorer looking towards the future. I feel like I have the potential to achieve my objective. I have a rough map, compass, supplies and plenty of time for my journey. I don’t quite know what I will find, or the way in detail. Today I was reminded of the journey I may one day take. It is my choice one day to fulfill this possibility.

I know from experience (pain, suffering, exposure, attempts) that my options are currently limited. But pain has no prerequisite- along with fear, concern and paranoia it can occur at any time or place. Tonight, I am concerned that my TS feelings are either clinical depression or me adjusting to post-college life. I see that before I continue to pursue electrolysis, I must explore and perhaps eliminate these possible reasons.

If my feelings are the result of a chemical imbalance, than I can solve this without messing with my life. If this is me having trouble adjusting, then in time I’ll learn what I need to do. It seems like my feelings emerge when other areas of my life are going well.

However, there are numerous examples from my past where I have questioned my feelings. I am looking for some form of confirmation from somewhere. I don’t want to live my remaining years wondering if I should of done something different. But as always you wonder if you make the right decision. I have no choice right now. I have doubts. But I am getting tired of not doing anything about my feelings, and the fact that they don’t go away. Perhaps I am to be a male and somewhat female in mind, but I can’t stop being envious, jealous and in awe of women. To me that means I will be alone until I die. Sometimes if I feel like I am choosing the best of the worse scenarios. The past worst is that I never find a wife, and wonder what I am missing. Another is that I marry an open-minded woman who will let me dress up. I don’t think I couldn’t share space with her, and not be envious of her character, personality, clothe, fashion, i.e., sex organs, cosmetics and hair. So that is questionable.

So, I must wait till things change a bit. But how uncertain I feel about my future, love life. I know that I feel lonely. I don’t know what to do other then to make the best of what I have.

Oct 12

Woke up way early and had some time to write. I really want to be a woman again. I have my doubts… but so much of this is repetitive. I know I must wait. But the feelings don’t wait. Each day at it’s best contains the feelings of doubt and unhappiness. It’s not the unhappiness of normal life… can’t compare them to people who are homeless or disabled. It’s a different kind of pain. I really can’t afford to have these feelings interfere with my life right now- working and such. I suppose they really don’t have to come into play… I can still crosslive as much as I want. I guess I should be thankful for that.

But I guess I just want to express how much I wish I could be rid of these feelings, and I hope in time that I learn to accept them and if they persist deal with them. I guess I’m waiting out the storm and see if it passes me by. Last week I could not sleep either- knew something was brewing on the unconscious level. One night I realized that there was nothing for me to have/live for, other than to survive. Perhaps that was the Male reasoning away it’s existence? I’m not sure. Only time will tell. I should count my blessings that I know sort of what I am looking for, and with Widgets I may have a way to get there. Far better this than being unaware of the origin of my feelings, or feeling unable to do anything about them.

Me – post work. It’s cold… wearing booties, purple sweater, skirt… bra. As I brush my teeth I look down and see those little lumps made by the stuffed bra. I wonder for a moment what it must really be like to have breasts. Not much more to say I suppose for the night.

Oct 13

Greetings again. Nice to be able to combine technology here… to look up and see those images and such. Wish I could let the world know a bit more about me- who I am and such. So many of the TS websites that do have images are post-op in nature… oh well. As a big guy I make a big gal.

Tonight I’m not wearing the skirt or sweater… back to summer-time knock-arounds… t-shirt, boxers, and bra. The most comfortable compromise of sorts. I feel like I’m not going to say anything new, but I have a need to express myself. I drew a picture, I guess I should explain it.

The image as I see it represents some of the struggle that I am going through right now. Mostly time and money seem to be slightly beyond my grasp for the time being. I don’t know when that will end, but for now I have neither time nor money to continue my transition.

The surrounding composition deals with the division of the self and how I feel at times.

At the bottom is a quickie characterature that represents me- asking a good question- why? Why me? Why must I feel this way? What am I to do? What will I go through? It’s not a feeling of pure fear, but rather a rational approach to looking at a problem or concern and weighing out the options.

For the time being I am a young, professional nice guy. To be honest I don’t mind the tie… but I do miss my shoulder length hair that is now "conservative". To make it today you need to look good… and this is the way I dress and act now. This is the state of "Male Me", who 9:10 will tell you things are okay, and for the most part he gets along okay.

In the middle we have the hand reaching out for the hourglass tipped with coins. I realize that the only way to "success" right now is a sell-out of my own sense of self- that only though hard work will I save the money it will take to accomplish my goals. However the feelings don’t stop… the pain persists.

Along with this is the time it will take to establish my financial goals. I must be patient and understand that what I am doing now is forging a future for me down the road.

Where does the I divide? I tried to capture some of the dichotomy of my existence here. Neither the left or right are a whole representation of me. The Right is the mechanical droid who is responsible for getting me where I need to be and taking care of the logical aspects of my life. He wears a tie to work, and really is just another number.

The left may be a glimpse of what is so far away from the left—she is an expression of self-seeking and what I believe may be a quest for womanhood- something that may never be given to her, but she will try her hardest to capture. She is wild and her ways unknown to the Left droid.

Notice however that both live in sorrow. A "good" day is still crappy beyond measure. While both have creature comforts, they are living an illusion of extremes. Certainly no man is an island, and no woman runs soley with the wolves. There must be some sort of compromise. But, for the time being this is where "Male Me" meets "Kasumi"… and they are torn in some ways.

The droids’ "more-realistic" self is "that guy", who at Widgets seems to be a real nice fellow. A hard worker, a people person- someone you’d want on your team.

Robin is certianly helpful and may be a final resting point for Me in time. If I choose/tolerate being a white American male, then this may be how I am for a bit. I think this image is the one I most come in contact with in my travels in people my age- nice fellows who are out to see what life is about.

Beyond "that nice guy Robin" is one-step-closer to pure male, if it is not masculinity itself.

For some reason I think of Vikings, or Dwarves… "real Men" who have beards, drink beer and belch real loud. They bang with their hammers and make things happen in a very logical fashion with brutal efficiency.

I can only imagine Tim Allen going "ahr-ahr-agr" when I think about the real male here.

Okay… so if sweaty, big, brawny, gold-medallion wearing Macho-freaks are the extreme on the one side, what could we possibly have on the other?

The extreme opposite, which I would call the "inner girl" who lives way-down-inside me somewhere. She’s the girl who was me till I became about 6 or 8 years old… and she got pushed aside as the male me took over.

This is "little Kasumi" who may one day make an appearance. Right now for the most part she pouts and cries, but every once in a while she sings and dances. Like most young kids, she is not old enough to learn how to control her feelings (strong as they are to overpower the Viking above).

As I understand it, should I one day transition, I get to enjoy a second childhood as "little Kasumi" plays catch-up with the other women around her. Sort of like a girl who emerges from a 20 year coma to find out she’s a young woman now… so much to do and learn.

But "little Kasumi" is not going to last… rather her final outcome is "Kasumi", or perhaps even Male Me for a little while.

As Male Me leaves the male world and treads into the female, there is some growing… "little Kasumi" has to become a woman in a short period of time.

I think this adult Kasumi or not-so-male-me is a nice resting point for my time left here.

So that’s my drawing… as I said something was bugging me and today was much nicer.

So what’s up today? Another day of work and some relaxation… for some reason I still come home from Widgets and just collapse. I’ve had experience with this before, when you get a new job with new working conditions. I’m reminded of my situation, however at work where one of our sub-divisions are MTFs… seems like I can’t escape the TG world.

Really, I guess that’s all I can write about for now… can feel the eyes growing tired and I’m starting to drool a bit… signs that the muscles are getting tired. It’s been nice to just relax… wear the bra and forget it’s there. Part of me needs to cry a bit… I guess that’s next on the agenda. I did take my Prozac today… I don’t know what’s up with my emotions… perhaps just everything I wrote about above starting to sink in and affect me—the sadness.

I miss my hair tonight… I miss playing with it, braiding it, and wearing it different ways. I know I am moving in the right direction… you can’t transition without money in the bank. I just wonder tonight if I will make it to the point where I can make a difference along those lines… as if surviving was not enough. I guess I’m going to try…

Oct 13

Well, had nice time tonight… got to wear fav skirt with gray tights… heh… it’s getting colder. Not much else to say… just wanted to say it was another day… still am thinking about TS stuff- you know the deal. I wonder if anything will come out of all this… I know I’m the driving force and what will make this happen if given the chance. I miss having longer hair.

Oct 16

Did something today I have not done in a while… got all dressed for a night on the town and have just been enjoying being alive and such. It’s nice to look down and see those painted fingernails or make a mirror check whist walking down the hallway to see how I look.

No major revelations to be made here… just glad for it to be about 7pm and for me to have the night ahead of me. It’s unique to look into the mirror and see a vague reflection of what I used to look like… before I left theatre. I miss my hair and such. Part of me looks forward to growing out my hair, loosing my gorilla body hair, and some moving around of some body mass. I can feel my body warmth being reflected to me from the bra… it feels nice. I wonder if this is what it is like to be a post-op… for things to appear to be aligned. I wonder. I hope to find out first hand some day. So what do I do now? Hmm?