Oct 23
I’m
feeling real good… wonder if I have too much stuffing in my bra. Really I’m just waiting I suppose for things
to happen- I know they will come together of their own accord when the time is
right and such. In the mean-time I work
all day and have an hour or two at night to relax. I do try to stuff in as much as possible in the in-between
times. I’m doing my best to make
it. Sort of like feeling a slow or
slight pain that you know one day you’ll get a chance to ease. I am presently optimistic for the future.
Oct
21
Me
here. Just in a Moment of wondering
what will happen. Did not make it even
out of my work clothes… got phone call from $$$ people. Debt people are not making payments for some
reason, credit card people want money, California college loan people won’t
accept me being in school… so my California loans due early. I’m not making $$$ yet to make payments on
everything. I’m in crisis shock mode. I’m in a very different mood than the one I
came in here with. Whew. Got a letter from the Scouts… they want me
to interview for the Ranger job. I
don’t know what to do… I’m tired… just want to crawl into bed. Want to know what to do… don’t know if things
will work out for paying for my transition, blah blah blah. Right now feel
real low… very quiet. Nothing I can do
but damage control…
Oct
22
Another
Friday night… chomping on some Captain Crunch. It’s been a bouncy type day… just trying to get a grip on
things. Saw mtf TS today at work… she
looked good. I don’t know if that’s God
going “see…” or what. Tired right now
of all this. I want to shave the rest
of my legs and be a woman tonight… for what I don’t know… no one to do it for…
and since I’m barely sitting up strait due to fatigue I know I wont get
far. It’s amazing to me how much things
can change… and I don’t think they are due to hormonal imbalances or whatever…
really just life is a stressful thing at times. I hope that in two month’s time I have an offer from Widgets
that will do the “atomic pile driver” on some of these bills and such.
My
Mom made a comment in passing on the phone that she could not afford to support
my transition… which was sort of out of the blue. In my current financial crisis I am worried mostly about making
my car payment so I can drive to work to make money to make the payments… not
thinking seriously about SRS and all that stuff. Sure I’d rather be doing electrolysis/laser treatment… but how
can I seriously think about that when I am concerned where my next meal is
coming from.
Certainly
the feelings are here—the desire to be doing more. And the sadness that I can’t be doing more… but my goal is to
make it to December so I can get the job and see about the future… I know that
December won’t be the end of things, but at least that will give me a starting
ground… an idea so I can make a plan of attack. As things stand right now I have $14 to last me another week… and
that includes groceries… unless I win the lottery I don’t see pre-op any time
soon.
Gotta
wonder, however, why God gave me a snapshot today of what life could be
like. Ditto on another intern in our
office this week who I think is a ftm TS.
What’s up with that, eh? Oh
well… more later I suppose.
Oct 23
This is me coming home from
Grocery shopping… in sort of a nasty mood.
When I first took an image I thought I looked like trailer trash. I called my Mom… today is the one-year
anniversary of my Grandmother’s death… so I wanted to make sure that Mom is
okay. After talking with her… well,
there was so much that I wanted to share… sort of. She really hit me with a big one when she said she could not
afford to help me out with my transition.
I did not ask her to… I guess she may be feeling guilty in one way or
another that she can’t help me out. I’m
not sure.
Later in the day I changed
my clothes and did my cosmetics. But,
getting back to my Mom… I was going to
say that a down-side in sharing your TG feelings with your folks is that they
may get sick of hearing about them… but I guess it’s important for others to
realize what a daily pain in the behind all this is for a person to go
though. But I guess we need to temper
our desires with how it affects other people.
There comes a time I suppose when you know that they know what you are
doing… you just have to be quiet and go about your way.
So…
that’s me by the door there. I wish
those breasts where real. One advantage
to the digital camera I guess is I can see how I look from a distance…
something that is limited with a mirror and such. A concern from my past was that I would make a real ugly
woman. I think I’ll make a real big
woman… beauty is a personal choice I suppose.
I could do without the big arms as well.
Sometimes I think I look
like a Potato Person… hard to explain what that is… you sort of have a round
face and what-have-you. Again can do
without the big arms. I know if I
shaved them they would appear not as massive.
I think I look better with long hair as well. If all this does work out, I’m curious to see how I turn out.
I guess another concern of
mine is how I spend my Saturdays. It is
the one day a week with no obligations.
With the exception of my 8am grocery run… I really have the whole day to
do as I like. My old standby dilemma
was wondering if women wear cosmetics, hose, and such on their day off. I’ve yet to meet one.
Also
too… is this how I want to spend my Day Off?
I guess this is my one chance a week to live “en femme” all day… so
that’s why I invest the time.
Oct 24
Another
week comes to a close. Spent this
morning doing odd jobs and such. I did
not change out of my clothes, so I had a neat trip to the laundry room, gas
station, and of course the bank.
Heh. Did anyone notice? Did anyone care? I did… was very nervous. I had a sneezing fit this afternoon that
make me strip down to undies. I was
wondering if that makes me “any less of a TS”… I don’t think so. People sneeze. Oh well… I still want to be a woman and all that… nice to imagine
my breasts as real and all that… still want to wrap my lips around my husband’s
penis and suck him dry and all that… nothing really changed from yesterday…
other than I paid my car insurance… I don’t know when I’ll start the
electrolysis and all that… but at least I’ll be an insured driver. Oh well.
Life goes on.
Oct 25
Me again, playing with the
digital cam. How nice it was to play
Christmas Dress-Up and work on my voice.
I’ve noticed that when I am stuffed-up with sinus problems I have some
difficulty.
Felt
a bit strange recording the video… first audio/video mix with me in it… strange
to see the body and hear the voice.
Only hope that in time both give a female impression in presence.
Thought
a bit about how now really I am the one setting the pace for what is/is not TS
in my life… meaning if I lay in bed that’s okay… I have been feeling obligated
to wear hose whenever I can since I shaved my legs… realizing that I don’t have
to “feel bad” if I don’t go the extreme.
Oct
26
Me
here. Been a strange sort of night… had
a good practice with my voice and such… I am sort of wanting more… don’t know
what of… hard to describe.
I
guess it was after dinner that I started to feel “is this it?” for my
feelings. Not really GID… maybe more
general life related. I’m like feeling
“I want more out of life than a stuffed bra”… but I wonder had I real breasts
under my shirt if I would feel the same way… wanting more post-work than dinner
and a movie.
Had
a good after-hours chat today with my boss… he said I was still a shoe-in for
the job at Widgets. Again wonder what
that means in term of salary. I have a
pipe-dream of getting more-than-enough money to get me started down that
transitionary path. I hope I’m not
selling myself something… but shit, what have I got to loose? Oh well.
Oct
27
Another
day coming to a close. Took the night
off so to speak. I still got to admire
my “sexy legs”… something about smooth legs… oh well. But no bra. No woman no
cry as the song goes. Got a lead on
some numbers from Widgets. More than I
need for food and shelter. Part of me
goes “whee! All aboard for the
Electrolysis train!”… other part goes “whoa there”… guess that’s rationality
pulling in the reins. Here I am having
a crisis day because I have to trim back my nails and I’m raging out the
starting gate… whoa is right.
Wonder
what will happen… guess we all do. Oh
well. Waiting for the numbers I
suppose. Hope has replaced doubt.
Oct
28
Got
a case of the blahs tonight. Feel like
doing nothing but being miserable.
Amazes me how in an apartment with so many diversions… on the back
burner is some sadness from feeling like I can’t do electrolysis… wish these
feelings would just go away.
Oct
29
Felt
like all I wanted to do was die this morning.
I’m up to speed on my Prozac and such.
Talked with my boss some, think that spurred some of the “I can’t
transition right now so why live” feelings.
I’m kind of out of things to do… don’t want to do anything right now…
blah, blah, blah.
Oct
30
Just
finished moving around furniture in my apartment… sure it will take a few days
for the dust to settle and for me to find where everything went. Today is the first Saturday in a long while
where I did not jump out of bed and “cross-live” the day inside… actually went
outside and exercised a bit… did not do it “en femme” however… guess I loose
some points… just kidding.
The
last few days I’ve been feeling down big time… don’t know if it’s because I’m
not currently “transitioning” or not… had to tell myself this morning to
grow-up a bit… I mean I’m doing the best I can and giving me shit about not
transitioning right now is crap I don’t need… it’s not like I’m sitting on tons
of money and holding back things… I’m working hard and saving money so one day
I can do the electrolysis and such. As
the saying goes you can’t get blood from a turnip.
But…
in my “furniture moving dilapidated state”, I wonder what I’ll do the rest of
the night. Guess I need to just relax a
bit. Right now so sleepy. Oh well… part of me wants to break out the
cosmetics and such… but mostly I just want to relax… I mean I could do my face
and such… but as I pass out on the couch I’ll smear it… you know what I
mean? I somewhat hate my TG feelings
right now… want them gone. But what can
I do?
I
did exercise a bit… been feeling like a fatty over the past month. I guess I can’t get too mad at myself for
working hard to pay the bills. Phew…
why can’t I just be happy sitting here in my boxers? Oh well… don’t want to waste time.
Oct
31 – Day Light Savings
The
sun rises… fills my room with light.
This is my first morning typing from my living room. It’s nice to look around me and see things
that I recognize. I think that’s become
my view on décor… something that reminds you of your life. I’m not saying that I’ll make my furniture…
but my walls say something about me. It
may be the Bailey’s Clock that reminds me of my old friends… or the Japanese
Silk art that was my Grandparents… the two huge Johns who look down and remind
me of some of the concerts I have seen… or the “daily affirmation” poster that
reminds me that each new day is an opportunity to live.
Today
is the first day that I have felt good about myself in a few… may be the effect
of prolonged exposure to Prozac… but I like to think it is an acceptance of my
situation. Not that there has been any
great catharsis or development… just counting your blessings, accepting the
present, and not loosing sight of your goals.