Sept 1 99

Well. This morning I left the graduate program at my university. Now looking for carpentry job. Or office job. Preferably in theatre but I work anywhere. Got my haircut… poop.

What can I say? I feel this is a good move. Had not really dealt much with it yet. Everyone saying “you should stay” minus my Mom. Of course I’m near broke. Oh well. Have a lead on a good job for me… may happen. Experience says not to waste time on it… apply for it and a few others. Not much else to say.

Sept 2

Once again in a strange position, but this time have some leads. I have a feeling my credit is going to get screwed, but even there that means that I survive and such. Don’t know what that means per se in terms of Kasumi and such. Right now that seems so far away anyway.

Again think it’s weird to be in situation where one phone call could make a difference. Also odd to buy digital camera… run up credit card bills. But unlike last time I’m in a big city with lots of opportunities. I wonder how things will work out… where will I end up. Part of me wonders if there is such a thing as happiness, or a perfect job. Mainly for me right now it is just trying to get something to help make ends meet. Don’t really care too much about set design or construction… makes me wonder what in the hell I am doing… but I know I am doing my best. To make things work out.

Sept 3

Day two begins. Woke with feelings of uncertaincy inside me. Relieving tension involved some mental gender gymnastics. I don’t want to loose myself this time around, if that is possible. I have not crossdressed for almost 2 weeks now. The feelings are there… the desires to “be a woman”… but right now over-powered by desire to “pay my bills” and “find a job”. I’ll worry about finding significance later I suppose.

Again I am amazed at the situation… my situation right now… don’t know if there is a word for it. If grad school is not for me, and college is not for me, then I must find a “real job” and go from there. One advantage with having worked a long time, and having a generic degree is that I should be able to slip into any job. I think one day is not long enough to start to worry yet. And they say worry does not do any good.

My experiences in the past say that perseverance will get you through… even if you can’t see everything at once. I could get a phone call at any time today asking for another interview. Since I don’t have call waiting, then I really don’t want to pick up the phone in that 8-5p time, for fear of missing a call.

Second issue is a biggie… just trying to figure out what’s up with me. As I said survival desires are out-weighing anything related to Kasumi or anything else. Perhaps I don’t see “fun”… which I may need to make happen at the theater today. Perhaps I need to give myself credit that I am working an 8-hour job right now… and it won’t be here next week.

I stopped in at the local BSA Council office and talked with one of the folks about positions in the council. Seems that they are in desperate need of a Camp Ranger… something that is from my way-way- past that I really wanted to do when I was younger… long before I had any concept of college and adulthood. I gave them my resume and said I was interested. If the money is right, I’m planning on taking the job. It would mean a move 30 minutes north… into another state, but it would mean “free” housing and a job that I think I could do. Later in the day I started to doubt, but I don’t think I can loose on the deal.

Sept 4

This is the first day off I’ve had in a long time. I’m sure that tomorrow will be even more lax… tonight I work at the theater. It’s a strange feeling not to feel “compelled” to do much of anything. Realized I had the option to get up, put on some hose, cosmetics, and my favorite skirt and I’ve declined… feel like I just need to be the basic me… no additions… basic me. Enjoying listening to old favorite Erasure and just taking it easy. Don’t know what that means in terms of TS feelings… don’t really want to know right now.

Me again, later. Was just taking off my bra and such, and had a few ideas. Since getting my camera I’ve wanted to take some images of me dressed up, so I did. Part of me has been wondering about TS stuff… off and on all day. Something about if I do get the Scouting job, that sort of puts any TS plans on hold, other than paying off debts, crossliving, and doing electrolysis or even some starting HRT. Then it sort of dawned on me “well, what other choice do I have?”… meaning that no matter how I feel right now, I don’t have a choice in the matter. With so much debt to be paid, wouldn’t it be nice to try the Scouting job… I may even like it enough that I may put TS stuff on hold indefinitely. I don’t feel sad per se that I can’t do anything… just realizing what is possible, and what is not.

Sure I like the clothes, and I’d like to imagine having a loving husband and house. But neither of those are available right now, so why antagonize over them, right?

Sept 7

When met with human resource person at theatre this morning, my first thought was “she’s TS”… which she’s not… it’s just her size and stature. As I sat there I thought “I could be like her”, which was followed up with “no you couldn’t dumbass… this whole TS business is a crock of shit”… right now don’t know what to say. Suppose I want some re-assurance that all will be okay… suppose a dream would be to know that I will have a job soon that will pay my bills of sorts. Need to find out where it is at… again if could have wish right now would be to get Scout job…

And I’ve lost some steam with the scouting job. Sure it is in 23 days… but I know it’s a bad idea to put my eggs in one basket… what if job is not offered to me, or it is something I don’t want to do… how “silly” is it to think about doing something you’ve never done before… particularly when you think manual labor is not your thing? Again I’m confused. I suppose a plan of action would be to do my job interview deal tomorrow, then to get a paper and go though the classified adds.

Sept 9

Fading fast… have job tomorrow with company… just a temp deal… but who knows what the future holds. Scouting job chances are will be filled by November 1… so that’s the “worst case scenario”… if that’s what I’m going for. Right now so sleepy… applied for some tech support positions… must be something about scoring high on computer tests. Right now just want to have money for bills… worry about job satisfaction later.

A Hot Bath later- amazes me how good I look in lipstick. I don’t know if I’m going anywhere with that statement… but I just wanted to record it. Amazes me how even now… “apparently” so far away from being able to do anything TS related, I was wearing my bra and feeling so good. Oh well. I just wanted to write down some things. The bath and some pop tarts are making me feel a bit talk-a-tive.

Sept 12

Good morning. Got up and did housework stuff so I could get cleaned up and do some cd’ing… I decided about ten minutes ago to get up and do something else. Have not decided what that is to be yet… my desk is littered with papers and such. Sort of confused, or at least feel like there is so much inside of me trying to get out, so I figure writing about stuff may help me out a bit.

I wonder about a few things… where I am headed, who am I, am I TS, what can I do about it-- being at the forefront. Sometimes I feel rather confident about myself, other times a bit shaky. But today, being the half-way mark for this month, I feel like I should be feeling something somewhere… and indication of some kind. But really I am between states on a variety of levels. It was only 11 days ago that I closed down my grad school path. No regrets there. Being here today, can only wonder “what was I doing that for” about grad school. And the same can be said of theatre. So I sit here like I did about two years ago, wondering what I am doing with my life.

I’ve ruled out college… I don’t see a need to go further in debt. No, I think it is time to get a job and find something that I enjoy. If, for example, working with computers now requires going back to school in the future, then so be it. I may end up getting involved with networks or something, and that may require me to get my MSCE down the road. But at that time I won’t be in debt. Right now I feel that with my computer experience it would be a waste of my talents (not to mention that I enjoy working with computers) not to do something computer related. At least give it a try.

I feel like I’ve progressed in the last 12 days… left grad school looking for something in the theatre world, and realized that the money was just not there. The clerk stuff I did on Friday was only one day, but it was far easier than anything I had done before, and I did not mind the work. To make enough money to survive and do something that did not rack my brain or stress me out was a nice thing. To realize that such a working situation is possible is nice… far nicer than where I was nearly two weeks ago when I was scrambling to get a carpenter job or do anything theatre related… scrambling for an unsteady $7 an hour job. But I know better now, and it gives me some solace for the future. To be frank, some people are not cut out for various areas of employment… and others are… all enjoyment aside, if you can do something, then do it. It’s nice when you get paid the right amount to make ends meet. So, I don’t regret leaving school, and I’m getting an impression that the future will be brighter.

I have an interview this week with a big company, and that may lead to other things if I take the job and enjoy it. I feel like once I have established myself, and I am making a positive income, then I can start to think about other things in my life… perhaps along some sort of needs hierarchy… once you take care of your primary needs you can think about the others. Food, shelter… they seem to come first. But in living day to day… well, it seems to be the way to go right now.

As for my TG feelings… well, no room for them right now… hope that does not sound like a cop-out or an excuse… perhaps it is an excuse. But a person can only handle so much in their lives… reminded of the story about the monks and the cows… too many cows to worry about. Why add to the pile? Mom suggested that perhaps my TG feelings were a security blanket of sorts… perhaps. My daily dream is still to be a woman… perhaps I have some doubts now about completing that dream… perhaps I am realizing that right now I really don’t have a choice to do anything. I must get up in the morning and “be a man” for the working day. I don’t know the solutions right now… as with having too many cows, and this being Sunday, I have to rest… and while I’m not too keen on wearing the full regalia, I am right now wearing nail polish… and just relaxing. I have to rest, and people have taken Sunday off for several hundred years now… me doing the same does not make me any less or more of a TG person. I’m curious to see what would happen if I did get a job that would support my transition… would I execute some of those plans.

So what are my desires now… mostly to find a job, I suppose. Yesterday I bought books about Networks and MS Office. I would like to read them and learn more about the software. Right now I care equally about hardware and software, but I think there is more of a future for me in the software or administration side of things. Again, I don’t know… been around computers and networks for the bulk of my working life, and the more I learn the more I find out how little I know. But I want to know more. That desire combined with some possibilities to put my mind to use and turn my income to a positive situation is keeping me going. Not the desire to have a labia between my legs instead of a penius, or my desires to have a significant other in my life. It’s not the desire to wear a skirt or have a cat… although I would like both. But had I both, I would still be close to financial ruin and not able to do anything else I’d like. There was a sign on the church across the street… each week they change it to some new quote. But this week’s was “to get upset about the things you don’t have is to waste what you do have”… I don’t know if that is true, but it seems applicable to me in some way. Again, right now I don’t feel like I have any real choices, and I need to do my best to keep any possibilities open.

It’s just the timing that makes it interesting. Three weeks left in this month… interview with a big company and working as a clerk this week. Possible job as Help-Desk in the making. At some point in this period the Scouts will interview me for Ranger position. Only thing left for me to do is to get paperwork under control, pay what bills I can, and learn more about computer stuff. And that’s it for now.

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